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  • PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

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    Old 06-16-2005, 02:06 PM   #196
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?



    I have never expected to face a situation like this... I have never been in a situation like this.. it's such a lesson for me really!! Iam kind of scared! You are so caring! Thanks so much! I am seriously thinking about what you are all saying..

     
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    Old 06-16-2005, 02:10 PM   #197
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    When a man really loves you, he doesn't have to think about it that hard. My ex put me through a lot of the same stuff. I spent a lot of time worrying about what I was doing wrong and could I fix it, and was I good enough for him, and etc. For two whole years he kept me on pins and needles, insecure and weepy, wondering how I could be so inadequate. He left me anyway, and then within just a few months of dating her, he moved in with the exact kind of woman he said he never wanted. The kind of woman I tried so hard not to be like in so many ways. He ended up marrying her. I know now that there probably wasn't anything I could have done to make him stay. He just didn't want me. He did the same thing your guy is doing, make me hope just enough to keep me there to use until he was done using me all up. Take it from one of those pathetic, pitiable women Envy was talking about a few posts back: if you hang around and wait and wait for him to finally decide he's done using you, you might not ever recover from it.
    Nini, you are definitely not pathetic! You are wise and 100% right in your outlook. I'm sorry to hear that your ex was that horrible to you and hope you are starting to see how much better off you are without that kind of abuse...men like this are so insecure and cowardly. If anything you should feel sorry for him and his wife because he clearly does not know how to treat people with love and respect. You are so right that when you are in a good, healthy relationship, it is not difficult, confusing, or painful, except on very rare occasions which are far outweighed by the bad times. If someone in your life is having an overall negative effect on you, it's so important to cut them off and move on before they do any further damage. Nini, I am so sorry that you learned that lesson in such a painful manner, but I am glad that you now know what you deserve from a relationship. Unfortunately, many people do not seem to know this or at least they don't act accordingly, but I guess if they did, there would be very little to talk about here.

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 02:12 PM   #198
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Another problem is that even if I do reply to him like good luck see you in august or something along those lines.. If he hasn't gone yet for good, he will try to talk to me during June and July and he will probably say that I am cold and distant if I won't talk to him about things.. and if I keep it distant he will tell me that I am not nice to him?? That's the hard bit..

     
    Old 06-16-2005, 02:46 PM   #199
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Another problem is that even if I do reply to him like good luck see you in august or something along those lines.. If he hasn't gone yet for good, he will try to talk to me during June and July and he will probably say that I am cold and distant if I won't talk to him about things.. and if I keep it distant he will tell me that I am not nice to him?? That's the hard bit..
    Ask yourself this, Lovingyou: when you keep it light and cool, he accuses you of not caring. When you talk about your relationship and things that matter to you, he accuses you of smothering him and not taking it slow and dwelling on the past. Do you ever do anything right as far as this guy's concerned? Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life, hopping on one foot, rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same time, while balancing plates on your chin to try to keep him happy? WE all could stand a little self improvement, no one's perfect, but at some point, at the end of the day, we are who and what we are, and if that's never good enough for someone, then perhaps the time has come to say "this is who I am. Take it or leave it." And you can't, you can't you can't you can't live your life in fear of them leaving it. Twisting yourself into a pretzel so badly that you don't even recognize yourself anymore, that's no way to try to love someone, or to try to get them to love you. It never works. Just tell him you'll miss him, but you know he has things to do. Tell him you don't want to sound cool and distant, but you know he doesnt' want you talking about your relationship in too much detail, so you're only trying to respect his wishes, wish him well and tell him you'll see in him August. If he complains about that, then I would really seriously wonder about his mental stability and his true intentions toward you. If he constantly makes you feel like a failure, then to tell you the truth, I really don't see the point???

    Last edited by Hiya; 06-16-2005 at 02:48 PM.

     
    Old 06-20-2005, 10:06 AM   #200
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    He emailed me today at work.. asking me about my weekend. He found a flight for me and suggested if I wanted to go and see him in August in Paris! I haven't made a final decision yet but I was going to ask him if I do go to him, what's his compromise?

     
    Old 06-20-2005, 11:05 AM   #201
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    This isn't about compromise. Hiya told you EXACTLY what this is about. It is about him USING you up like a tube of toothpaste, then throwing you away with about as much concern. Too much disrespect, too much control, to much emotional blackmail. This guy isn't even good at hiding his intentions. How much do you want to bet he makes YOU pay for the ticket to Paris? All you need is a sign that says WE DELIEVER. Think about what you are doing LY. Hiya told you that you can reach a point of no return when you feel so worthless that you may be unable to EVER find your worth again! That idea should terrify you! It does me. Don't let another human being play you so badly that it scars the remainder of your life. This has been going on for months. You are NOT letting this wound close. Stop responding to this guy's email and stop reading what he sends you.
    I keep telling myself I'm not going to respond to your posts anymore. You say you read them all, but in truth you see only the parts you want to see. You just continue doing the most self-destructive things with this guy. It's eating up your soul and you just keep letting it. I love my soul, I can't imagine letting someone else do so much damage to it. It is such a hard thing to rebuild. Be careful you don't loose it completely LY.

    Last edited by evy38; 06-20-2005 at 11:15 AM.

     
    Old 06-20-2005, 11:12 AM   #202
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Lovingyou, if you re-read my last two posts to you, I told you what I think he is saying in that last email. Actually, I don't think he's ending things. I think he wanted you to do exactly what you're doing. He intended for the email to freak you out and worry you and make you think "Oh God, have I lost him for good now?? How can I fix it?? How can I make him want me again??" I'd say you've already given him exactly what he wanted in response to his email. But I think the first thing you have to do is figure out what you want from him. And then you have to look at the situation logically and objectively and honestly and figure out if you are ever really going to get what you want out of him. Personally, I don't think so. When a man really loves you, he doesn't have to think about it that hard. My ex put me through a lot of the same stuff. I spent a lot of time worrying about what I was doing wrong and could I fix it, and was I good enough for him, and etc. For two whole years he kept me on pins and needles, insecure and weepy, wondering how I could be so inadequate. He left me anyway, and then within just a few months of dating her, he moved in with the exact kind of woman he said he never wanted. The kind of woman I tried so hard not to be like in so many ways. He ended up marrying her. I know now that there probably wasn't anything I could have done to make him stay. He just didn't want me. He did the same thing your guy is doing, make me hope just enough to keep me there to use until he was done using me all up. Take it from one of those pathetic, pitiable women Envy was talking about a few posts back: if you hang around and wait and wait for him to finally decide he's done using you, you might not ever recover from it. It will change who you are, and how you see and feel about yourself. If you're smart, you won't let that happen. I say forget about whether or not he WANTS you to respond to his email. You still care way too much about what he wants and what will please him! Search your mind and do what's best for YOU for once. Tell him have a nice time, good luck, and you'll see him in August. Then like I said before, spend June and July building a life you can be proud of, with or without him. If he really loves you, by August, he'll be begging you to come back to him, and he'll be willing to do whatever it takes to make YOU Happy. If he doesn't, if he's still luke warm, "let's take it slow, you're still too clingy, lower your love," then you must be prepared to face the fact that he's simply not the one for you. Just because we love someone doesn't mean they have to love us back. The longer you put off accepting that, the longer it will take for your heart and spirit to heal. Pleast listen to me. Take care of yourself, because this guy certainly isn't.
    Hiya.
    Stalkers are pathetic. You are just a little damaged. But there is still a spark in you! It's just waiting for the right fuel to start a really good fire going again.
    Evy

     
    Old 06-20-2005, 12:05 PM   #203
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    He emailed me today at work.. asking me about my weekend. He found a flight for me and suggested if I wanted to go and see him in August in Paris! I haven't made a final decision yet but I was going to ask him if I do go to him, what's his compromise?
    I don't know what you mean by "what's HIS compromise?" It sounds as if you're saying, ok, I'm compromising by coming to Paris on my own dime to nurture the relationship even though I'm still wounded and hurt that you don't want to spend more time with me, that you don't even seem to care that you aren't going to see me for almost two whole months, but I'm swallowing my pride and coming to Paris anyway. Now what are you willing to give ME?" Is that right? Well, what do you want him to give you? Unless you're clear about that, he won't compromise or give you anything. Why should he if he's already getting everything he wants from you?

    But I do have two questions for you: 1) who's buying the ticket to Paris? If it's him, then he's saying, "I still care for you, I really want to see you, two months is a long time to be away from you. I'll pay for you to come be with me." If he expects you to pay for it, then he's really saying "*sigh* ok well, I know you want to see me, and you're not going to shut up until I let you see me, so sure, you can come see me in Paris two whole months from now if you want to. I'll let you come visit me."

    and 2) I'd still like to hear what you want from him. You ask what's his compromise. What do you want it to be? What are you hoping to get from him? A commitment? A marriage proposal? A few more weeks of good sex? What exactly is it you need from him?f

    Last edited by Hiya; 06-20-2005 at 01:49 PM.

     
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