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    Old 03-24-2005, 03:46 PM   #16
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Hello everyone!

    You can't imagine how much your advice means to me!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!

    I feel that even people who are close to me are not here right now! I am so happy to receive your help! I think I should't worry about sleeping with him because he was the one who actually said it that we shouldn't be intimate with each other now because he says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... he says he knows that making love for me means that I am seriuos about the guy.. he says that he doesn't want to make the same mistake with me as he did with his ex. Appareantly she always begged him to sleep with her and was telling him she was ok with that but he knew she was doing it in order to change his mind about her.. he said he kind of lost repsect for her!

    I am naturally not an independant woman when it comes to relationships.. but I guess I have got to act independent of him.. and I must not go needy and desparate on him! It's going to be pretty hard but I guess I must do that! I wonder if I do that what is he going to think? I worry a little that he might that I don't care after all.. but I think if I go needy on him it would push him away! It's really strange to think that he is actually coming here tomorrow! we are going to see a musical on Saturday night! We both agreed to go and see it and I think it's good because I won't have the need all the time to ask him about us! I guess some of you might suggest that I shouldn't ask him about us or should I? I spoke to a very good friend of mine yesterday and she said that maybe i could ask him like on sunday how he feels about us? What do you think! I mean in a way if he spends the weekend with me and I won't ask him.. I will be probably still wondering after he will be back home! But then I worry he might feel pressured to talk about us again! What if he says that he has made up his mind.. how do I react to that? What do I say? I can't be his friend..I am not good with ex's! I an not friends with any of them because it's hard for me! but it's true I don't want to loose this one completely!

    He sent me an email asking me if I could sing in msn tonight so we could talk about tomorrow evening! I haven't been on msn since it happened because I didn't want him to think I was online waiting for him.. I was scared that if I am online he might not say anything. I have not sent him one email, one message.. I have not made one phone call.. It's strange but I thought it's better not to! I woud end up asking him about us and I would end up probably needy on him.. I didn't want to do that.. but I am not sure when I meet him tomorrow how to be with him! Friendly but distant? I don't want to be cold! you see I worry about small details.. I don't know whether to show him my sadness but you all seem to sugget I shouldn't.. but then I think honesty is important and the way I feel!

    He asked me in his email how I am doing and if I am ready for tomorrow?? What does it mean? ready? what do I answer to that? i know I am probably reading into it too much but I don't really know whether to sound really excited he is coming here.. I just don't know!

    It's scary!!

    Do you think I should ask him if he has been seeing anyone else or if he has met anyone else or if he likes anyone else? I guess I am really curious about that! and what if he asks me the same? It's so hard to know what to say or what not to say and how to be and how not to be....??

    Tomorrow is the day D.. I am so worried..

     
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    Old 03-24-2005, 03:53 PM   #17
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Just wanted to add.. i have just finished talking to him on msn.. we talked about general things and about tomorrow evening.. and then we talked about my new job and he made a comment " you will be meeting new guys!" and he put a smilie that cries and I said "maybe! you don't want me so..!" and then he said "ok. that's not very nice to hear" and then he changed the subject.. actually I managed to be the first one to finish the chat. I said to him "ok i'll see you tomorrow. I have got to go now! Have a good evening!" What do you all think? I hate playing games like this!

    I am just really nervous about tomorrow as you can read in the previous thread..

    lovingyou

     
    Old 03-25-2005, 06:22 AM   #18
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    Lightbulb Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Honey, just be you! I know today is the big day! You chose to let him come see you. Just be yourself. He can't expect you to act like none of this has ever even happened.

    I know when my ex and I tried being friends it was horrible for me. We had this vacation planned to Myrtle Beach, and he broke up with me one day before we were suppose to leave!!!! He said he still wanted to go on vacation with me, so we went!

    My brother begged me not to go. He knew how much I was hurting that we broke up, and he said it would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do....well I should have listened to my older wiser brother. It was a horrible experience. My ex was cool with just being friends, and I WASNT. I wanted his love and affection. I kept trying to reach out, getting nothing in return. It was the most awful feeling. Then at one point we started having sex, and then he stopped and said he couldn't do it cause he no longer had those type of feelings for me. It was awful.

    I guess all I want you to know is if you are having him here today with you because you think you will be able to "rekindle" something, don't bank on it! I remember asking my ex all those questions you said you are curious about...asked him if had another girl, bla bla bla...none of his answers made me feel any better. I don't know if you should even put yourself through it.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 01:08 PM   #19
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Hi everyone! I hope you all had a nice Easter holiday!

    HE went back yesterday afternoon. It was a very nice weekend actually! It was hard at times but the strange thing was that HE was so caring, sweet and he behaved to me as if we are still together.. he was holding my hands, he was pretty affectionate with me!

    When I met him on Friday evening it was a little strange between us. I guess we both didn't really know how to behave with each other because we were always used to being together as a couple and suddenly we were supposed to behave differently. It was quite amusing because he suddenly asked me where did I go on Thursday evening afer talking to him on msn. He was really curious. I said I had an arrangement.. and he asked what kind of arrangement.. and we started to tease each other.. I said to him 'why do you want to know?" and he said "tell me.. where did you go?" and I made up a story that I went to a party.. and he said "I see to meet your new boyfriend?" .. I said "well there was a guy who asked for my number".. it wasn't serious conversation. but it was quite amusing how curious he was! he then said "im sure you ended the conversation so suddenly because you wanted me to ask you where you went". I said "that's not true.. I really had to go"..

    anyway, the next day we spent the day sightseeing! We were walking around, taking photos.. he was holding my hand and was hugging me.. it was really nice but at the same time it was hard of course! We then decided to go for a small lunch and he actually started to talk about us.. I said to him that it's nice of him he decided to spend the Easter break with me! he said he is happy to hear that! He asked me if I spoke to my parents and told them that we are broken up! I said yes. he said he spoke to his mum about it. I asked him what did he tell her and he said that it was because of the distance, that it's hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't live in the same country and that i wanted to be more seriuos than he was ready. It was quite sad at that time.. I said to him that it's quite confusing because we are behaving as if we are still together and he said that he knows and that if I prefer being distant with each other he will respect it! Well, we talked a little bit more and he said to me that he is being honest with me that he thinks that it's not black and white. he said that he spoke to his flatmates about me and told them that he is still coming to see me for the Easter and appareantly they told him that he shouldn't and that once you break up with someone you shouldn't keep seeing each other and you should just break up! He said he was a little annoyed with them because he doesn't feel that way! he said that he would respect if I asked for no contact but he said that maybe we both will experience two other relationships and then we will realise that we still want to be together afterwards! he says that of course he will have to respect if I meet someone else. But he kept saying that of course he would not be happy if I decided to stop our contact and if I decided to find someone else but he said he would have to respect it! I said to him that I don't want to feel like I am here filling the gap before he meets someone new and then he will drop me and will not know me anymore! He said that he will not do that to me.. he said that he will want to hear from me and he will still want to contact me.. He said it will be a test for us!

    Anyway, after that we decided to go for a walk and to lie down in a park. I received a text message from a friend of mine and he was asking who it was and whether it was "my new boyfriend"! i could feel he was a little afraid if I met someone else! In the evening we went to see a musical! It was great! We both really enjoyed it! Again he was holding me and hugging me! After that we had to run to catch a train to go back to my place! When we got on the train.. he was telling me how much he enjoyed the musical and how much he is bored with his job and basically he was telling me how he feels about his job and what he wants to do and so on.. it felt good because he was sharing his worries with me.

    The next day we cooked together.. when we met we used to cook together.. we really enjoy it! it was really nice.. we had fun and it was enjoyable! then we went for a walk in my city. it's where we met so he was quite nostalgic.. we went to a fun fair and then for a dinner and then we hired a DVD and spent the evening watchig a movie.. it was quite a relaxing day! yesterday he had to leave. it was really hard actually! The thing was because it was a bank holiday he couldn't get any seat on a coach so he had to take a train. he had an open dated ticket for a coach which is valid for 3 motnhs. he gave me the ticket. I then told him that I can go with him to take him to the airport. he started to say that he thought it was too expensive for me to pay for that.. just to spend 2 more hours on the train with him... but I insisted that I would like to go with him ... I couldn't let go.. I started to worry that it's the last time we see each other and he said that he doesn't think so that I can come and visit him sometimes.. I was sad and I coudn't help crying and he hugged me! I said to him again that I would like to go with him to see him off at the airport and he got a little annoyed and he said that each time if i am sad like this when we are saying good bye that he shouldn't be so close wtih me and he should keep his distance with me because it's hard for me and he said he doesn't want to see me hurting and he said we are now as if we are still together and then he said I don't want you to get confused!.. I said to him that it's not fair what he has just said because we spent such a weekend together.. so then we said bye.

    After a little while he sent me a text saying he was sorry about what happened at the train station and that we would not be able to sit next to each other because it's full and he then said "thanks for the weekend! it was nice!"

    Anyway, yesterday night i was online and he signed in and he said I just wanted to let you know that I am back.. and he asked me if I was ok.. I said yes I am ok and I asked him if he was angry and he said "no, why would I be?" I said to him that I had a really nice weekend with him and that I don't regret it at all and that I am not suffering.. I don't want him to think that because he came here that it hurt me.. because it's not true and he said "I hope so".. I said that it was just hard to say bye.. and I said to him that I enjoyed the weekend and it meant a lot to me tha the came to see me..

    guys what do you think? i guess the worst thing is that he behaved with me here as if we are a couple and he was actually really caring and sweet and then once he was leaving he became a little annoyed and distant.. how do I behave with him now?

    PS Lena I am so sorry you had to go through this.. thanks a lot for sharing your sad story with me and with us..

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 01:26 PM   #20
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I think you should behave with him the exact same way you behave with every other guy in the world who's NOT your boyfriend. He has told you point blank that he's no longer your boyfriend, that you are not together anymore, and he "doesn't want you to be confused." I think he's not ready to be totally alone, and I think you hit the nail on the head. He wants to be "friends" and have you there for security and emotional intimacy until he falls in love with another woman. Then of course, she won't be happy with him being so close to you, a woman he used to sleep with, so to keep her happy, he'll slowly break off contact with you. He swore he wouldn't, but how else can this play out? Like I said, what happened at the train station made it pretty clear he wants you understand that you guys are not together anymore. That's what he meant by not wanting you to be confused. If you keep this relationship going, and you have this secret agenda of privately hoping you'll get back together, you'll only end up hurt. Don't hang around him like a love-sick puppy, giving him a nice soft cushion to buffer him against his feelings of loss and loneliness, and wait to get hurt again. It's over. He's made that clear. If it weren't, he wouldn't have gotten upset and annoyed, he would have been begging for you to come back to him. You cried and got upset not because it's hard to say goodbye (you didn't cry every single time you guys said goodbye before, did you?) you cried because deep down in your gut you know you want it to be the same, but it isn't. You knew deep down that the weekend was a swan song, and that it will probably never be that way again between you guys. I really strongly encourage you to break off contact with this guy until and unless you are prepared to be just his friend, and are ok with seeing him be with another woman, knowing they are lovers, and being ok with it and being happy for them. Until you can do that, you're only going to get hurt again. The "just friends" thing when one person is still in love, is playing with fire. Trust me on this. You should just be honest with him. Tell him you still love him and don't want to see him with anyone else and don't want to be his girlfriend without actually being his girlfriend. Maybe in the future that might change, once you get over him, but for right now, if it's over, it needs to be OVER so you can heal and move on.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 03-29-2005 at 01:32 PM.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 05:23 AM   #21
    lovingyou
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    The thing that worries me now is if I stop all contact with him, we might never talk again.. and there would never be a chance for us later? I am not sure how it works really... I have read somewhere that a guy who broke up wiht a girl for a year is now engaged to her and during the year they were broken up they kept in contact? I am not saying the same thing would happen here but I worry if I tell him ok I don't want to talk to you again and I don't want to hear from you again.. i worry I'll loose him for good! Has anyone been in a situation like this?

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 11:56 AM   #22
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    The thing that worries me now is if I stop all contact with him, we might never talk again.. and there would never be a chance for us later? I am not sure how it works really... I have read somewhere that a guy who broke up wiht a girl for a year is now engaged to her and during the year they were broken up they kept in contact? I am not saying the same thing would happen here but I worry if I tell him ok I don't want to talk to you again and I don't want to hear from you again.. i worry I'll loose him for good! Has anyone been in a situation like this?
    I'm not saying you have to break off all contact with him for good, I'm just saying it would be wrong for you to continue contact with him and hold out hope that you two will get back together. Because he's made it pretty clear that he feels strongly that the relationship is most likely over. You do understand that, right? From his perspective, the relationship is over. He just wants to be friends. And there will come a day when he will be dating and sleeping with other women. If you are going to be hurt by this, then it doesn't make sense for you to continue contact because you'll just walk around hurt all the time. I did this with my "ex" we were on again off again for two years, and we went through two periods of "just friends" but of course I was secretly hoping he'd want me back. We got back together twice, but the bottom line was he just didn't want me. Men don't break up with women they really want. I hung around, much like you're doing now, pretending to be his friend, praying he'd want me back, getting all nervous and paranoid he might be seeing other women when I wasn't around, which was his right to do since WE WEREN"T TOGETHER ANYMORE, and all I got for all my trouble was hurt. He dumped me a third time, so I realized I couldn't be just his friend. He met someone else and shacked up with her in just a few months starting to date her, and married her soon after that. Would it have happened if I had been around in his face still? Sometimes I toy with the fantasy that if I had been stronger or "more mature" and continued to hang around, he would have come back a fourth time and married me, but the truth is, he never loved me. If he had, he never would have left me. I hurt myself so much more than I needed to be hurt by hanging around and doing the "just friends" thing.

    All I'm saying is be clear about what your intentions are. Be honest with yourself and with him. If he starts seeing other women, which he is free to do since you guys are not together anymore, and if you're not ok with it, then you really need to look at why you are still hanging around him. I know we all saw Friends, we all followed the saga of Ross and Rachel, and how they were destined to be together and how they stayed friends and still loved each other even though they were broken up for 6 years, and he married Emily and broke it off with her and eventually came back to Rachel and it all worked out for them in the end. But real life hardly ever works out the way it does on tv. If it's over it's over, and you need to understand that and be ok with that if you're going to continue being friends with him. If you still love him and wnat him back and are only hanging around his life in the hopes that he'll take you back one day, putting your life on hold while you wait for him to decide that he loves you again, you need to be honest about that, with yourself and I'd say with him, too, and his reaction I think will tell you pretty clearly how good the chances are of you guys ever getting back together.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 12:09 PM   #23
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    The thing that worries me now is if I stop all contact with him, we might never talk again.. and there would never be a chance for us later? I am not sure how it works really... I have read somewhere that a guy who broke up wiht a girl for a year is now engaged to her and during the year they were broken up they kept in contact? I am not saying the same thing would happen here but I worry if I tell him ok I don't want to talk to you again and I don't want to hear from you again.. i worry I'll loose him for good! Has anyone been in a situation like this?
    Yeah, but haven't you also heard 'you don't know what you got til it's gone'?

    If you keep in contact with this guy, he's never really 'lost' you, so he'll never have to miss you, and he'll have nothing to come back to, as you've been there all along.

    Not to say it works any better one way or the other. Can't you tell him you want to take a few months off with NO contact, to sort out your OWn feelings, and catch back up after a few months.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 12:16 PM   #24
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    Lightbulb Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I agree with Ninispjc. Trying to be friends with someone you love, and they don't love you back is not going to work. Just doesn't, plain and simple.

    If things are meant to be with him, then THEY WILL BE ONE DAY, but you can't hold out hope by hanging on to him. I can almost guarantee you that 99% of these situations like yours, you will GET HURT again, by hanging on to him. My ex did this to me. He kept me at arms length, but when he found another woman to be with, she didn't like that he was still talking to me, so that was the end of that! He dropped me like a bad habit. It was then I saw he was just using me.

    It is going to take time, and it will be your time on your own terms, but HONEY, let him go.....for your own sake. otherwise I think you are playing with fire!

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 03:51 PM   #25
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    After I left home I dated for 14 years before I met the right guy.
    Trust me, your boyfriend is not acting like someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
    And, trust me, you'll honestly know that right guy when you finally meet him!!!

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 05:14 PM   #26
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    lovin you,

    strange i didn't see myself responding to anyones thread other than to get my own answers but my situation is SO similar to yours. my threads are 'need advice' and 'friends with exes? ... please help!'. if you'd like to read my situation.

    some things i didn't mention in my postings were that after we broke up it didn't seem like it was final either. we would keep seeing each other and it felt better to see him but then saying goodbye and after he left i would feel down and lonely. i know that he doesn't know what he wants and is goin to see if there is anyone else better suited for him. he had said that hopefully it would lead him back to me but he doesn't see it happening right now. but then on the flipside heís been curious on what I do in my time too. Asking if Iíve been going out and wants all types of details. Heís the only one that calls me now and asks me whats up, how i'm doin. I am very much like you I read into everything, over analyze and think constantly about him. and really donít know how not to be hopeful. He still wants to be close friends and says it will be a challenge for us too because we both have an attraction that is still strong. I feel a lot like you do. I want to continue to be friends because I couldnít bare to loose him. I donít want to show him all of my pain, cryin, or being clingy or needy cause I donít want to push him away but then I donít wanna be ok with it cause then heíll think that everything is cool and I donít need him. I'm like in the same boat you are asking the same questions. Thanks to those who responded to this thread its helped me too!.

    Iíve given it a lot of thought and you should too. Ask yourself Do I want him- or- Do I need him? I found out that I need him. There is a big difference.
    I know I need him! Its SO hard. I hope things work out for you!

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 09:53 AM   #27
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Thanks everyone for the encouragement and for the support you are giving me! I am low today. I had to come here to vent and to share my worries with you! I think I am starting to feel really sad!! I worry now that after what had happened at the train station made him think that he should keep his distance, he should not talk to me and we should not see each other again! You know when he was leaving I really really wanted to go with him to the airport and he said that I was behaving as if we were still together and he told me if he sees me sad like this he thinks it's not a good idea to be so close with each other! But it was so hard after such a nice weekend and we were really close this weekend! It felt really as if we were not broken up! And now he is gone and I really don't know what he might be thinking? I sent him an email that evening to reassure him that I wasn't hurt because he came and that I really enjoyed our weekend and so on.. as I said in my previous thread to you! He said when we were chatting online that night that he will reply to my email but he hasn't! I miss him so much now! I am wondering how could he be so sweet, caring, affectionate and close with me this weekend and now he is able to be on his own again without contacting me? Is it possible for him to just have this great weekend with me and then go and think ok it was a great weekend! now it's time to be single again! Is it really possible? because it's hard for me! If he was acting distant and cold with me and just kept it friendly with me! But to be honest with you we were not keeping it friendly this weekend! It was really as a couple behaviour from his side and mine! I worry now if he is going to be distant with me because he worries now that I am sad after he has gone so he doesn't want to make me feel sad! But I love him and my feelings for him hasn't changed! I spoke to my housemate today and she said that it sounds to her as if he doesn't know what he wants but he doesn't want the pressure of a commited relationship and maybe he just wants space! but he also mentioned to me when he was here that he still would like to have more experinence in his life!

    It's so sad now and so hard because after he left I can't just call him or email him because I worry he might think I am after him but at the same time it's really strange that now after such a nice weekend we are not communicating??!!! I can't understand it! And I am not sure who should initiate the contact with whom? Maybe he thinks I am upset after what happened at the train station?? maybe he is afraid to contact me? But surely he wouldn't leave and disappear, would he??!!! He was so sweet and so caring when he was here with me?!!! I miss him so much! What should I do? I am desparate!

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 02:29 PM   #28
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I'm sorry to be kind of blunt here, but did you two have a physical relationship while he was here?
    It's possible that he thinks he can have a "friends with benefits" relationship with you. Not understanding that you are so emotionally attached to him that it would be impossible.
    He wants to be friends, you can't be just friends.
    Seems so easy to say, but so hard to accept...

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 02:43 PM   #29
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    yes we were intimate during he weekend... I know it's my fault I let it happen! I know I should have said no to that but it was so hard to be next to him the whole weekend... we were behaving with each other as if we were still a couple.. he was behaving with me exactly the same when he was still my boyfriend! He was so affectionate with me.. holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me,... it was not any different! That's why now I am sad because there is silence between us! I am not sure it would be really benefitial for him to be "friends with benefits" with me because we are in a long-distance relationship so we don't get to see each other often! It's just worrying me if now he decided not to talk to me.. and to disappear? but he was telling me so many nice things this weekend.. and he was so kind and caring! I miss him so much!

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 02:50 PM   #30
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    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Is it possible for him to just have this great weekend with me and then go and think ok it was a great weekend! now it's time to be single again! Is it really possible?
    I'm sorry to be so harsh or to sound blunt, but yes, it's actually pretty easy for men to do this. Once they decide they don't want to be with you anymore, they make up their minds and move on emotionally pretty fast. I felt the exact same way when my ex left me, and he wanted to stay friends. I think men's emotions are more hot/cold, on/off, black/white than ours are. When they've decided they're done, they're done, no matter how sweet and kind and attentive they may act. To them, it's still over.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    It's so sad now and so hard because after he left I can't just call him or email him because I worry he might think I am after him but at the same time it's really strange that now after such a nice weekend we are not communicating??!!! I can't understand it! And I am not sure who should initiate the contact with whom? Maybe he thinks I am upset after what happened at the train station?? maybe he is afraid to contact me? But surely he wouldn't leave and disappear, would he??!!! He was so sweet and so caring when he was here with me?!!! I miss him so much! What should I do? I am desparate!

    It sort of sounds to me like you are trying to invent reasons to contact him. I think that's really the worst thing you could do right now. You sent him an email letting him know you're ok, not sad, you enjoyed the weekend, PLEASE I do beseech you, please leave it at that. Right now you're still the nice girl who he dated for a while but it just didn't work out, but she's still a cool girl that he likes to see as friends every now and again. You're only a few short emails and phone calls away from becoming the crazy ex psycho bi*** who couldn't accept the break up, who he'll never want to talk to again. Please, stay the nice girl. If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you. If he doesn't want to talk to you, you can't MAKE him want to talk to you. And I have to say, I think it was pretty scummy of him to sleep with you then turn around and get frustrated with you for being sad at him saying "well hun, that was great, but remember, you're not my girlfriend anymore!" which is basically what he was saying when he didn't want you to cry at him leaving, etc. You need to heal, right now that's job one, and I don't think you can as long as you keep trying to keep him in your life. Somewhere down the road if you feel ok to just be his friend, then you can look him up and invite him and his new girl over for dinner. But now, you need to take care of you. I did the same thing you're doing now, and it's dangerous, believe me. It could break your heart, maybe for good. Don't let that happen. You need to get to healing now. Conduct yourself, your life, your heart, as though you have broken up, because even though he's still sweet, you have broken up, and he's made that clear. he may still want to sleep with you from time to time and hang out when he's feeling lonely, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 03-31-2005 at 03:06 PM.

     
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