It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 04-17-2005, 02:20 AM   #76
    StormGirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    StormGirl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Location: Australia!!
    Posts: 880
    StormGirl HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    LovingYou, manipulation is manipulation, in any language... I think he made that quite clear. I know that you are trying to gather some hope from his messages, but it is not changing the circumstances. He still does not want a relationship with you. He wants you there to ease his pain. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't be treating you this way. It is human nature to miss someone that we have once loved, or still love in some way. He would be pretty heartless if he didn't. But it doesn't change the facts, does it? The longer you hold onto that hope, the longer you suffer... and you certainly don't deserve that. He has made his decision, now it's time to make yours for yourself.

    Best wishes to you...
    __________________
    StormGirl
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Last edited by StormGirl; 04-17-2005 at 02:21 AM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 04-17-2005, 03:16 AM   #77
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I know I shouldn't hope! But it's so hard not to! How do I respond to his last email? What should I say?

     
    Old 04-17-2005, 03:19 AM   #78
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    The thing is when he called me yesterday he sounded so confused and he kept saying he is lost... I thought normally when you are drunk it's easier to say what you really think..

     
    Old 04-17-2005, 03:45 AM   #79
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    The thing is when he called me yesterday he sounded so confused and he kept saying he is lost... I thought normally when you are drunk it's easier to say what you really think..
    Well he's not lost enough to call your phone number when he's feeling bad. If he were REALLY that lost without you, all he has to do is buy a pretty bouquet of roses, come ot your door and say "I was an idiot, I love you, I'm lost without you, please take me back and let's try again." HE'S CHOOSING NOT TO DO THAT. Not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because that's his choice.

    "Of course i want to meet u in may but we
    shouldnt because i didnt change my mind about us and so u need to respect your decision too."

    This is from his email. He says he did NOT change his mind about your relationship. If you contact him, you need to remember that and keep it in your mind. Like I've been saying, if you want to be his friend, fine. But you know you don't only want to be his friend, you want to be his girlfriend, and he does not want that anymore. I still think that keeping contact with him will only hurt you more, but like I also said, perhaps there are some lessons we have to learn for ourselves. I don't think anyone can tell you how to reply to him. Just tell him what's in your heart.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 04-17-2005 at 03:53 AM.

     
    Old 04-18-2005, 11:54 PM   #80
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I find this so hard!!! I still haven't responded to his last email! I am really lost not knowing whether I should or not? His phone call definitely confused me! But the email next day hurt me a lot!! I don't know what to do? I feel like I should say something to his email because I don't want to loose him! I mean he told me when he called me that he misses me so much and he is lost and confused himself! Do you have any advice on how to respond to him? I feel bad that I haven't yet!

     
    Old 04-18-2005, 11:56 PM   #81
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    If I was to tell him what is in my heart that would be that I still love him, miss him and do not want us to loose each other and I want us to be together again...

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 07:03 AM   #82
    here4support
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    here4support's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2004
    Posts: 754
    here4support HB User
    Thumbs down Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    LovingYou

    I'm very sorry about all of this, but I must say that I think you are being irrational in some of your postings, actually in most all of them.

    Whether the two of you talk in English, Spanish, German, French, Arabic, Italian, or Mexican- the bottom line is this guy is being VERY MANIPULATING.

    Let me clarify the definition of manipulate: "to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage"

    Now it is very clear to everyone that reads this thread that your ex is doing this! You however are wearing blinders to this because you are letting your heart control you. I know this is an easy thing to do, but it isn't helping you.

    You are trying to drain any ounce of hope out of every word that he says and that is exactly what he wants you to do! He said it himself, he was doing that to keep you at arms length just in case he wanted you back at some point. Is that any way to live your life? IF THIS MAN really cares about you and TRULY LOVES YOU (not likes, but LOVES YOU) then he wouldn't be doing this, the distance wouldn't be an issue. He would find a way to work on his fears and problems and be with you, but he isn't choosing to do that.

    So you see LOVINGYOU, you really have to move on, for your own good. The more you keep in contact with this man the more manipulative he will become, until he finds someone there in his own country to be with....then he will drop you like a bad habit. I know he isn't going to admit this to you now, because once again he is MANIPULATING you.

    Put a stop to it, and do it fast.

    P.S. Hopefully you haven't replied to that last e-mail, and you shouldn't. If you continue to go back and forth, one minute telling him you don't want contact from him so you can move on, but then the next minute you are talking to him, he is going to continue to manipulate you and control you into not moving on in your life.

    Take my thoughts for what they are worth, but I have a good feeling that the others that come in here would agree with my post.

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 12:40 PM   #83
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    If I was to tell him what is in my heart that would be that I still love him, miss him and do not want us to loose each other and I want us to be together again...
    Ok. But now you've told us that he already knows this, yes? He knows how you feel about him, right? But lovingyou, he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's really clear. Can I ask, when you say you're confused, what exactly are you confused about?

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 12:58 PM   #84
    lisa24
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2003
    Location: New Jersey, USA
    Posts: 724
    lisa24 HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Sorry to say so, but I think it's time to stop playing mrs. nice girl here.
    If that's what you want to tell him, then tell him. And be blunt.

    It seems you are calculating the right thing to do or say based on how HE will feel or repsond to it. You are overthinking and overplanning just to get the right response from him.
    And I know from experience, that is the worst way to go about anything. The harder you try to get it right, most likely the more it will go wrong.

    I think you need to step back, clear your mind completely, clear all your thoughts, then type the email with an empty head. Then whatever is in your heart will just come out. Don't think, just type.
    If it still comes out that you love him and want him back, so be it. It might not want to be what he wants to here, it might drive him away, but you gotta do what you gotta do, and quit basing it all on his reaction.

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 01:04 PM   #85
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I am sorry! I know that I must sound like a lunetic to you who doesn't want to accept the truth and who keeps going around the same thing over and over.. I am 26 years old, I have quite a good job after achieving a university degree with a good mark in a foreign country.. I live on my own so I am pretty independant BUT I CANNOT find the strength inside me to stop thinking about him and stop hoping... I must say that I have had quite a few boyfriends and flings but this time I decided I will take it seriously, I will stay loyal and faithful and I gave him my heart and my everything I possibly could! I opened him my innerself and I told him everything about me, my life, my deepest issues.. I thought this was something special! I guess that's why I have such a hard time at the moment! I had all these dreams with him.. I think I was like a little girl dreaming of his prince on his horse!

    I think the reason why I am so lost and confused is because even though he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want us to be together, it feels like he is not 100 % sure and convinced that that's what he really wants! He even called me as you know on Saturday telling me he is lost and he doesn't understand himself why is he doing it.. it seems like he is convincing himself rationally that he should because of the distance.. The fact that he was hurt when I decided to break all contact with him and he told me he wasn't happy with that.. all these thigs make me feel like he is not 100 % sure that he just wants to get up and leave for good! Something is telling me inside me that he is not so sure.. and I am not sure either that breaking contact with him completely is what I want!?? I think loosing him like this killing me! Also in his last email he said that now it should me who will contact him! I want to call him so badly or at least reply to his last email to say something but I am so scared not knowing what to say really.. I guess that's why I am so confused because of what happened while we were breaking up..and I know him quite well he is a guy who thinks A LOT and who doesn't want to do the wrong thing either.

    Thanks so much for all your help and patience!

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 01:15 PM   #86
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    I am sorry! I know that I must sound like a lunetic to you who doesn't want to accept the truth and who keeps going around the same thing over and over.. I am 26 years old, I have quite a good job after achieving a university degree with a good mark in a foreign country.. I live on my own so I am pretty independant BUT I CANNOT find the strength inside me to stop thinking about him and stop hoping... I must say that I have had quite a few boyfriends and flings but this time I decided I will take it seriously, I will stay loyal and faithful and I gave him my heart and my everything I possibly could! I opened him my innerself and I told him everything about me, my life, my deepest issues.. I thought this was something special! I guess that's why I have such a hard time at the moment! I had all these dreams with him.. I think I was like a little girl dreaming of his prince on his horse!

    I think the reason why I am so lost and confused is because even though he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want us to be together, it feels like he is not 100 % sure and convinced that that's what he really wants! He even called me as you know on Saturday telling me he is lost and he doesn't understand himself why is he doing it.. it seems like he is convincing himself rationally that he should because of the distance.. The fact that he was hurt when I decided to break all contact with him and he told me he wasn't happy with that.. all these thigs make me feel like he is not 100 % sure that he just wants to get up and leave for good! Something is telling me inside me that he is not so sure.. and I am not sure either that breaking contact with him completely is what I want!?? I think loosing him like this killing me! Also in his last email he said that now it should me who will contact him! I want to call him so badly or at least reply to his last email to say something but I am so scared not knowing what to say really.. I guess that's why I am so confused because of what happened while we were breaking up..and I know him quite well he is a guy who thinks A LOT and who doesn't want to do the wrong thing either.

    Thanks so much for all your help and patience!
    Well, I agree with the poster who said this guy is manipulative. I don't quite see him in the same wonderful light you see him in, ly. But I also agree with Lisa. You need to tell him how you feel. I still advice leaving him alone and moving on, but it seems you just can't do that, at least not now, and not contacting him is driving you crazy. If you want to contact him that badly, that you can't think of anything else, then perhaps you just need to go with that for now. Like lisa said, just tell him what's in your heart.

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 01:25 PM   #87
    evy38
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 621
    evy38 HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I think nini is right too, ly. you are going to contact him, it is still to new and you aren't ready to give it up, you still believe fighting for him will work. Fight for him if you want, but you should know what you are in for if you do. When he doesn't respond or responds in a way you don't expect, you will start feeling hurt, unloved, unloveable, unattractive, unsure, unworthy and worthless. All this extra damage on top of what you are already feeling. You will need to deal with all of this extra baggage too, once you finally do decide it's over between you. Just wanted to let you know what's comming if you continue down this path.
    Evy

    Last edited by evy38; 04-19-2005 at 01:26 PM.

     
    Old 04-19-2005, 01:27 PM   #88
    here4support
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    here4support's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2004
    Posts: 754
    here4support HB User
    Thumbs down Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Not to be redundant here but...You are trying to drain any ounce of hope out of every word that he says and that is exactly what he wants you to do! He said it himself, he was doing that to keep you at arms length just in case he wanted you back at some point. Is that any way to live your life? IF THIS MAN really cares about you and TRULY LOVES YOU (not likes, but LOVES YOU) then he wouldn't be doing this, the distance wouldn't be an issue. He would find a way to work on his fears and problems and be with you, but he isn't choosing to do that. Instead he is manipulating you and unfortunatley you are falling for it, hook line and sinker

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 11:27 AM   #89
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    This is so so hard! I haven't talked to him since that phone call he made on Saturday morning.. but I must say I struggle with not contacting him every single day! As soon as I come back from work I check my email account and nothing He seems to be sticking to his word that he won't be the one contacting me first because it was my decision not to hear from each other but I find it so hard not to hear from him and not to speak to him! I miss him terribly and I wish I could just call him and talk to him! Also why did he ask me to promise him that we will see each other again and he also made a promise we will but in his last email he said that we shouldn't meet in may as we had discussed when he made the phone call! I wish I could see him! I cannot actually believe he gave up on me! It hurts! I miss talking to him! I don't know whether I should call him? I am so tempted...

     
    Old 04-21-2005, 11:59 AM   #90
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    This is so so hard! I haven't talked to him since that phone call he made on Saturday morning.. but I must say I struggle with not contacting him every single day! As soon as I come back from work I check my email account and nothing He seems to be sticking to his word that he won't be the one contacting me first because it was my decision not to hear from each other but I find it so hard not to hear from him and not to speak to him! I miss him terribly and I wish I could just call him and talk to him! Also why did he ask me to promise him that we will see each other again and he also made a promise we will but in his last email he said that we shouldn't meet in may as we had discussed when he made the phone call! I wish I could see him! I cannot actually believe he gave up on me! It hurts! I miss talking to him! I don't know whether I should call him? I am so tempted...
    I went through the exact same thing you're going through now. AFter my ex dumped me, I knew I still loved him and didn't really want to do the "just friends" thing, but it was either that or lose him altogether. I did the friends thing for a while, then realized I just couldn't handle still loving him and being around him, knowing he didn't love me anymore. So I called him and told him I wanted to break off contact. He just said "oh, I'm sorry you feel that way." I went through all the craziness you feel now, so a few days later I called him back saying I missed him as a friend and let's see where it goes. He thought I was totally nuts. He said his reaction to my voice mail was "oh, god, what now?" So we became friends again, then we got back together again, then he dumped me again, I went through all this same craziness again, then we got back together again for about another year, then he finally dumped me for good. He still wanted to be friends, but fortunately I had learned my lesson. He married someone else, and I'm convinced he would have married her even if I had been under his nose like a little lovesick puppy waiting for him to love me. I just would have had to sit by and watch it.

    Your situation could turn out differently than mine, but I really think the odds are against it. Men tend to make up their minds pretty quickly and they move on much faster than women, generally speaking. It doesn't matter if you keep in contact with him or not. He has told you he doesn't love you enough to continue in a relationship with you. That should be all you need to hear. But you're like I was. I keep hoping you'll learn from my mistakes and have some self respect and do whatever you have to in order to forget this guy. He has moved on. He doesn't want you anymore, and most likely never will again. I wish I had had someone telling me how erratic I was being. But like I said, perhaps it's something everyone has to learn for themselves. I just don't want you to do this to yourself for too much longer. I believe there is a point of no return. Once you reach it, you'll never come back. Then it's too late to move on, and believe me, that's a nightmare you do not want to find yourself in. I know it's hard, but I still recommend doing your best to move on as fast as you can. Go out with friends, get them to set you up, date around, even if you have to force yourself to enjoy the company of other men.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Please help me to help my mom... I am 43! himmylover Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 6 04-01-2011 11:29 AM
    PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me LVNMYLIFE Addiction & Recovery 41 02-04-2006 01:24 PM
    What is going on inside my brain? Please help! I'm all alone! jhamilton401 Brain & Nervous System Disorders 9 01-23-2006 09:01 PM
    overdosed on adderall please help my gf who has no idea yet that i might die afistalker240 ADD / ADHD 12 10-10-2005 02:44 PM
    minor candida help me PLEASE :( madlion Candida 1 11-14-2004 01:20 PM
    anyone, please help! stomach pain blackballoon Open to All Other Health Topics 3 06-21-2003 10:13 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:50 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!