It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-22-2005, 05:07 AM   #1
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Hi everyone,

    I am new here! It's really inspiring to read the stories here and how everyone is trying to help each other! I came here to vent and to ask for help since I am really sad and confused!

    My relationship ended about a week ago. We were together for about a year and three months. For the last 5 months the relationship became long-distance. My ex-boyfriend had a hard time dealing with the distance and even though he said he loved me so much he had a hard time dealing with the distance. We are 2 hours by plane and a train from each other. We visited each other 4 times during this time. Anyway, he kept being sad and unhappy about the distance and he then told me that he wants me to move closer so we can see each other often. We both work but it's our first proper jobs after graduation. He has explained to me that he is not sure how long he can keep going on like this with being so far away from each other and he said he is not sure he can wait a year or so.. when he told me that I got so upset and scared that I told him that it's over! I was so upset and I felt sad that he wouldn't wait for me. He said to me that he was only trying to be honest about how he felt and he was fighting for our relationship and kept asking me if I meant it that it's over.. I said yes but I knew I didn't want it! He started to cry! I realised how much it hurt him and I hugged him and told him that I didn't mean it.. and that i was upset that he would give up on me! I tried really hard to make him realise I didn't mean it and I said I was sorry. BUT he closed himself and he withdrawn himself emotionally from me. THis happened abotu a month ago when I was visiting him for a weekend in his place! it was our special weekend because we were celebrating our 1 year anniversary! After I left he was so distant with me it was hurting me! He was so cold and he said he wasn't sure he still loved me and that he is not sure about our future and so on... I decided to get on a train to save it and to show him I didn't mean it! Well, I guess it was a mistake! He was friendly and I think he tried to be nice and caring but he was not the same! He was so distant I couldn't bare it! We had a row and he ended the relationship! We had lots of fights before but mainly because he would always become so distant.. the thing is when he ended it at first he was so upset.. telling me it's over, it's over, i am fed wtih your attitude.. once we calmed down he told me that he wants to be free to see what else is out there! he said is not closing any door behind us but right now he doesn't want to be in a relatiosnhip. he said he wants to experience more before settling down.. he is 24 and I am 26. but the way he broke up with me doesn't feel final

    he is still coming to see me next weekend for the Easter holiday! What would you advise how to be with him? Do you think I should hope for anything this weekend? My friends told me that they are surprised he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holidays with his family and friends... they say that he must still care so much for me.. In a way it's true that he works now so he doesn't get to see his family very often. I really appreciate he is spending the holiday with me. Why do you think he would still come even if he decided to break up with me? I always thought that if you break up with someone and you don't want to be with them anymore, you want to be far from them at least for now.. I know that we said he would still come here because he doesn't want me to spend the holiday on my own. I live abroad without my family and so he is maybe coming here because he would not like me to be alone.. that's very sweet of him but I am still wondering he would prefer spending the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us..

    This is our conversation from last Friday:

    He sent me an email on Friday:

    i just want to ask u something? are u still sure u want me to come to see u next week? cos i 'm a bit worried for u, i dont know if it's good for u to see me now. i could understand if u prefer to stay alone without seeing me for a while to make u forget a bit and be less sad. Cos i know u re sad now and i m not sure if it can improve the situation if u see me. please tell me the truth
    about what u really want? u know if u dont want me to come, it doesnt mean that we wont see later after a while anymore cos i can understand u may need a bit of time to forget and be less sad.Tell me please

    have a good day

    xxx


    I said I would like him to come and whether he still wants? He replied:

    yes i will come if u re ok with it! i'm just worried that u could suffer more if u see me, that's why i 'm asking u that. But yes what we said last week was true!
    xxx

    I said to him:

    i don't think i will suffer if i see you. i'll be happy to see you. If it was true what we said last week why did you tell me to forget in your email? I thought you told me that you don't want to close the door behind us? I thought we decided that it was taking a break to see how we feel later? xxx

    He replied:

    i meant to forget about your sadness.I m not closing any door at all but i dont want u to think that we may be together again cos u may wait for me and it wouldnt be very fair for u cos i never said we will be together again for sure. U know i said that cos helen was in this kind of situation with paul, she
    was like waiting for him for 2years and they are finally not together and they may never be together again. so she lost 2years. i dont want to do the same to u, it wouldnt be very fair for u. That's why i prefer to be clear by saying that i dont want to be back with u now and i cant promise u anything for the
    future. xxx

    I said:

    I appreciate you are so concerned for me. I thought me and you had a different relationship to Helen's and the guy. So you prefer I don't wait and take it as a final break up and not taking a break as we said to each other? So you were just saying things like we can see 6 months later how we feel to make me feel better but you knew that it's over completely for you? Sorry about the questions. xxx

    He replied:

    of course it was different between us than with helen's situation cos we stayed more than one year together which is not cecile's case. but i didnt say that to make u feel better cos that's what i thought. but i never said we will be together again. i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and
    that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together

    xxx

    What do you all think please?? He is being quite vague! Should I hope?

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-22-2005, 05:37 AM   #2
    marcen
    Senior Member
     
    marcen's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2003
    Location: canada
    Posts: 273
    marcen HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    There is always hope. He stills cares enough to come and see you, but it sounds like he isn't sure what he wants. I know from experience that trying to stay friends with someone when you both feel differently about the breakup does not work. If he comes this weekend and it doesn't go anywhere, how upset will you be? It might be better to cut all ties with him (maybe a friendly email or call now and then) and tell him to figure things out, let him miss you. That is what I just did, but my relationship was really bad and very different from this. If you are ok with him coming knowing that you very well might just remain friends, then go ahead with your plans. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 09:14 AM   #3
    Wowwwweeee
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Wowwwweeee's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Location: Rochester, NY
    Posts: 1,050
    Wowwwweeee HB User
    Cool Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    It sounds like this guy cares for you as a good friend, and is hesitant to make any final breaks that would cause you and him not to stay in contact as friends.

    It does not appear that this guy wants to date you any more. He wants to be friends. He does not want to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

    For a little while, it will probably feel awkward and be hard for you to just "hang out" with him and act casual. So, Easter may feel strange and sad because things will now be different.

    Sometimes a 'best friends' relationship can come as a result of breaking up. But that usually takes time and BOTH people would have to want to maintain a friendship.

    Maybe right now you can't commit to being good friends because you will be upset at his choice to end the dating part of your relationship - and that's okay. You can always take some time to have no contact, if you need to get yourself emotionally settled about the break-up.

    It does sound like this guy wants to be friends.

    Remember that being "just friends" with someone that you used to date can be difficult, but sometimes the rewards from having a terrific friendship is worth trying to make that happen.

    I would honor his request to be friends only, and if you can handle being just friends, then spending Easter together would be nice. But since the break-up is so fresh, spending Easter together could be stressful and depressing. You need to decide what's best for YOU.

    Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 03-22-2005 at 09:15 AM.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 12:55 PM   #4
    72Lena
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    72Lena's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 40
    72Lena HB User
    Unhappy Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Wow, he sounds really confused. I don't know if there is more to it then he is letting on, but it sounds to me like he still wants to be a part of your life, but with out the strings attached. In other words, he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too!

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 01:29 PM   #5
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I agree with the concensus. He only wants to be friends. I don't know why he's not coming out and telling you point blank instead of all this beating around the bush junk, but he's telling you as clearly as men usually make these things, that he thinks you waiting for him would be a waste of your time. He keeps saying he doesn't want you to waste your time, so I think he's cutting you loose. I think the best thing you can do is move on. Don't hold your breath waiting for this guy.

    You may want to break off all contact with him until you're over him. As long as you're still hoping you'll get back together some day, trying to do the "just friends" thing could be painful and disappointing and can keep you from meeting someone else. Trust me, I tried it twice with someone, and I did in fact waste what turned out to be the rest of my life. Your youth, your life is way too short to waste hoping someone who doesn't love you anymore will change his mind. Don't waste the pretty, use it while you got it, 'cuz it won't last forever. You don't want to be 40, graying, wrinkled and baggy and saggy, still trying to find Mr. Right when all the men your age are either married or looking for 20 somethings, and wishing you'd only played the field more when you were younger instead of waiting around for this guy. Find someone who doesn't need all this time and space to realize you're the best thing that ever happened to him.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 03-22-2005 at 01:31 PM.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 01:39 PM   #6
    kdes
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    kdes's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 125
    kdes HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Hi there.

    I suggest try to be friends, but like wowwwweeee said. Only if you feel you can and wont feel upset when you see him. But i would not expect anymore. I know things are very hard for you. I just went through a bad break up to, about 2 months ago. It was kind of a long distance relationship for 1 year for me cause my ex girlfriends parents did not let her see me for a year until she was done with her last year of high school. We dated for 2 years with the year of waiting.

    My opinion, its very hard for long distance relationships to work. You have to be able to see each other comfortably for things to work.

    Remember if things dont work out, you will find another love! Even if at times you feel you wont.

    I just want to say thank you to 'wowwwweee' for hes/her reply to my thread. It helpt so much!

    I wish you the best! 'lovingyou' you will be fine!

    ~kdes

    Last edited by kdes; 03-22-2005 at 01:42 PM.

     
    Old 03-22-2005, 04:33 PM   #7
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Thank you all! I greatly appreciate your support and your different views on the situation!! it also helps me to come and vent here instead of calling him! I am so sad because I cannot be his friend! I cannot be his friend because it would kill me if he told me he was seeing someone else I have strong feelings for him!

    So you think he is telling me it's over? So why is he still coming to see me this weekend? I mean he has to travel all the way from his country so it's not out of convenience and he could have spent the Easter break with his family and friends since he doesn't get time off his work very often. He chose to spend the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us... I know that part of the reason is that he knows I am here on my own living abroad without my family and real friends.. but I still wonder why would he want to do that.. he has to spend 3 whole days with me..

    I have not contacted him the whole weekend! I was strong! Of course I miss him and I still feel a lot for him but I decided not to call him. I received an email from him on Sunday evenig:

    He said:

    how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my weekend resting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good!

    How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have
    let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now?

    good night

    xxx

    I didn't expect this email to be honest! I thought we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till Monday morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible! he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!" I have been advised to act happy with him! But in a way i worry he might be thinking that Iam ok and I don't care..

    What do you all think? I am quite confused!

    I have been trying to be strong but I am suddenly feeling so sad I can't stop crying..If I tell him I don't want to be his friend what if I loose him for good! If you read his emails where he says : " i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together " he is saying that if we stop talking there would be not a chance for us.

    I feel so bad! I feel like I lost him! I feel that my behaviour drove him away... I shouldn't have said to him it's over that weekend! I hurt him badly and he closed himself.. It's breaking my heart thinking that he was telling me he loves me so much and now he said he wants to see what else is out there... I can't take it!

    I know that once you break up with someone you want to spend time away from them.. but it's not our case.. it's so strange that the break up doens't feel final.. I am so lost! and I worry to do the wrong thing

    I still hope that this weekend could bring somethig! Am I being naive?

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 06:06 AM   #8
    72Lena
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    72Lena's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 40
    72Lena HB User
    Lightbulb Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I think he is being unfair to you.

    He is sending mixed signals to keep you at "arms length" so that if by "chance" he decides he does want to be with you, then you will be there for him....and if not then no sweat on his part cause he told you he didn't want to get back together.

    He is playing mind games with you and personally I wouldn't even let him come for Easter. That is not a healthy choice for you. You said yourself that you can't be his friend (and it is very true), so now you need to act on it. You have to take it for what he is saying and bottom line is he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

    It is going to be hard for you, but the longer you keep in contact with him the longer it will take you to "get over him." You can't get over someone and be their friend, while you still intimatley love them.

    Move on, and stop all contact with him. Do it for your own sake. You are worth it. Don't worry about what he thinks or feels, do what is best for you.

    I'm not sure how old you are, but as you get older in life you will realize that worrying too much about how others feel or what they think, or how everything will affect them, will only hurt you. You have to start doing things for YOU.

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 06:24 AM   #9
    Wowwwweeee
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Wowwwweeee's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Location: Rochester, NY
    Posts: 1,050
    Wowwwweeee HB User
    Cool Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Good Morning lovingyou,

    I honestly don't think that this guy is playing games with you.

    I think he DOES care about you, and wants to try to be "just friends", but is not sure how to go about acting as "just friends" now.

    Sometimes it's hard to break up with someone, even if you don't want to date them any more. So he probably feels awkward too.

    I think you are also reading too much into everything right now, which is normal, but will make you sadder and drive you nuts.

    Here's the bottom line: He wants to be friends with you. He is trying to be friendly in the only way he knows how - by continuing to reach out and make plans.

    He does not want to date you. He probably doesn't realize that he is giving you mixed signals. He is probably trying his best to just try to be friends.

    Instead of reading into every little thing, if you want to try to be friends with him too, you can definitely send e-mails and place calls to him. But it will feel strange to try to talk on a "friends only" level rather than keep talking about the break-up or other things that you might find upsetting right now.

    If you feel that you can't be "just friends" right now, you should tell him that maybe you would like to resume a friendship with him ometime in the future when you are less sensitive to the break-up.

    It takes time to get over being hurt and missing him. When you feel less stressed about this break-up, you may find that you don't want to remain in contact with him - or you find friendship with him easier. And you won't try to read into every thing he says or does because it will become less impacting and less important.

    Now is the time to take a moment to decide if being "just friends" is the best thing for you or not. If you feel you can't deal with it right now, that's okay, and just let him know. ANd if you feel that you want to try being "just friends", remember that it will take some time to adjust to this so have patience with him and with your own feelings.

    Take care.

    Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 03-23-2005 at 06:29 AM.

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 07:05 AM   #10
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    Thanks guys for your opinions!

    So I should not hope for anything then?

    I thought maybe this weekend could be a chance for us to talk.. we had more than a year long quite intensive relationship and not a very long time ago he was telling me how much he loves me... How can he ask me to be his friend? I still love him a lot and he must know that.. if he is asking me to be his friend after such a short time of the break up I am wondering how much he really loved me? What is the point in stayig friends? So he can tell me that he is seeing someone else and ask me for my advise?

    Why would he want to spend the whole weekend with me knowing that it's going to be hard for us?

    lovingyou

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 07:12 AM   #11
    72Lena
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    72Lena's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 40
    72Lena HB User
    Lightbulb Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    With out even realizing it I think you've answered your own questions.....
    once again I'll say again, there is no way to be friends with him. It is clear as you post each time that you aren't capable of having a friendship with him. You wouldn't be able to stand him telling you about another girl.

    You say "So I should not hope for anything then? " My answer to you is NOOOOOOOOOOO you shouldn't. Sorry to be so blunt but you keep asking the same question, and I dont think you are hearing, the answer is NO. I also wouldn't have him come there.

    Best of luck....be good to yourself!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovingyou
    Thanks guys for your opinions!

    So I should not hope for anything then?

    I thought maybe this weekend could be a chance for us to talk.. we had more than a year long quite intensive relationship and not a very long time ago he was telling me how much he loves me... How can he ask me to be his friend? I still love him a lot and he must know that.. if he is asking me to be his friend after such a short time of the break up I am wondering how much he really loved me? What is the point in stayig friends? So he can tell me that he is seeing someone else and ask me for my advise?

    Why would he want to spend the whole weekend with me knowing that it's going to be hard for us?

    lovingyou

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 05:04 PM   #12
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I had to come here to vent and to ask you for advice.. I spoke to a friend of mine and told him about my situation and he said that I was definitely suffocating my bf and was TOO needy and taking up too much of his time and attention. I was also way too emotional and even unpredictable, creating fights and crying and throwing tantrums until he finally felt forced and gave in to visit you in December even though it was inconvenient with his new job, dissertation, move etc. during that time.

    that I was always threatening to him, either he sees me or else there's a fight...moving things into what I call a serious relationship but he thinks a selfish relationship where I only cared about my needs getting met and not giving him the space and time he needed to himself.

    And during my visit to him while we were both taking a walk, and I was bugging him so he says he wished I hadn't come - again throwing a tantrum and instead of talking about why he felt that way, my response is to say I don't need him and I'll go!! He said I was so immature and I am the older one... On my previous trip when he is trying to talk to me about our relationship, I initiate a break up, hurting him deeply and making him cry, again like a childish, selfish, knee-jerk response that hurts him, confuses and bothers him, instead of like an adult talking out the situation. I make him to be this bad guy whenever he opens his mouth to complain that I am being needy, among other things...

    He said surely he was surprised at how understanding I was in response to him saying that he would like space and be apart so that he can see other women and experience other relationships. How would I feel if I told him that I'd like to see other guys and he responded like that is absolutely fine with him? Being the sensitive person I describe him to be, he probably got upset that I was not troubled by this proposal.

    He said that I send too many mixed signals that are extreme - from extreme neediness, to extreme indifference and hurtful actions like telling him I want to break up, then when I make him CRY and feel so hurt, say I didn't mean it! My friend said "Wow, I can't believe he has been putting up with this cra* for so long."

    I feel gutted after talking to my friend! I feel like I must have been the worst girlfriend for him and I must have hurt him and I must have made the relationship so hard for him! I feel so sad and upset! It's my fault everything! I lost him! No wonder he wants to see other girls! He doesn't deserve me! I miss him and I love him! And now he is coming this weekend.. I can't even look into his eyes I feel so bad!

    I guess I should forget my hope then I love him but I wasn't able to show him! It's the worst feeling ever when you love someone so much but you act as if you don't I feel so horrible about it all

    PS I'll tell a little bit more about our relationship in the next thread so you know what is this all about.. I do appreciate your help! I really do! I am so desparate! I know that I still hope but that's because I feel like all my fault and I lost him because of my behaviour THANK you all for being there! It really helps to get different views on things because I am pretty lost

    lovingyou

     
    Old 03-23-2005, 05:06 PM   #13
    lovingyou
    Member
     
    lovingyou's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 69
    lovingyou HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I can become really needy and dependant and he is quite an independant person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. I think he wanted to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. He tried as much as he could to fulfill me but I was still pushing for more. When we broke up the first time we were still meeting each other but it was too hurtful for me because I was hoping he would change his mind. I decided after about a month or so to end it all with him. I walked out on him because it hurt too much! He was doing everything to win me back. I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I said yes. This was last year in September. We were doing much better but there were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot.

    In October he had to go back to his country so our relationship became long-distance. he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy because of the distance but we were trying. With his new job he became quite busy so I felt neglected and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. I was aware that my dependance on him is driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thining of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! We spent a really nice week in his country! It was hard to leave again! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. My parents liked him so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept asking him if he is going to come to see me and he kept saying that had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him! he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention all the time so much! Well the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. After all he was there for me a lot and he was really protective of me! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! He kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other. We talked about me moving closer to him so we could see each other more often.

    I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came to pick me from the airport, he was rushing from work to get me and he brought me the most beautiful flower! It was our first year anniversary! he had my photos near his bed and he was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! We had to wait one month and a half! However, on Saturday he was feeling tired and he was not in the best mood. He works quite long hours. However, i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other often! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row that evening and it was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him! He said that something has to happen soon otherwise it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you! He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard but when he saw me being so indifferent about it, he started to cry! When I saw that I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me and he kept crying! I tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted becasue I was worried he wants to stop our relationship. Since then he had been really distant with me. He was not the same anymore. He changed. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. I felt really bad! I felt devastated! I decided to book a weekend to go and see him. This was a couple of weeks ago. He said to me that if I was coming to see him to bother him and to fight with him, I should stay at home but if I went to see him to have a good time I am welcome to see him. So I decided to go.

    I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me not to go that he needed space from me to feel better but I diddn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! There was this gap and this distance between us. On Saturday we had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but he said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and when we met he said "It's over"
    !! He was so upset! He said Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it! I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each otehr and he said he is sorry but he said he is not feeling good about his life at the moment and he can't give me what I need.

    this is our open talk:

    He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset. I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down and he hugged me. I was crying so much. He said he wanted to be completely honest with me but he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while. he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship and he said he is afraid of commitment. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he can't give me the stability now. he has just started his job after his studies and he said he is not really sure about his own life. that he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted. He said he has never been unfaithful and he has never tried anything with another girl but he said now he wants to still experience what other girls are like. He said he only had 2 relationships in his life He says he is too young to be serious like I wish to be and he said he is aware that most of our problems were stemming from that.

    I was so sad to hear that but I knew I can't force him and I said I understand he needs to experience more. I said that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was grateful for my understanding. I said I feel like I have damaged this relationship by being too needy and too demanding and I felt like I lost him. He said that it's true that he didn't feel free enough. he took me for a dinner and we talked really openly about everything. he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. This morning I was leaving he said he was sad. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me.

    Sorry about the length! I had to explain it all to you! My friend said he has made up all these excuses so I didn't become emotional again!

     
    Old 03-24-2005, 08:24 AM   #14
    72Lena
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    72Lena's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 40
    72Lena HB User
    Talking Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    sweety first stop being so hard on yourself.

    Often times it is far to hard to except the truth that someone you loved, doesn't feel the same way in return. In turn we try to put all the blame on ourselves as if it is going to make things different.

    Even with all the history you have given, it still sounds me to that your ex doesn't want to be your boyfriend again. Whether he is making things up about "why" he doesn't want to be with you, doesn't matter.

    The bottom line is, if he really truly LOVED YOU, with all HIS HEART AND SOUL, he wouldn't be telling you any of this and telling you that he doesn't want to be with you. You just don't do that wen you are in love.

    I truly know how alone and desparate you are feeling I was there at one time, and it takes time to get over it. Please I beg you, try to seek counseling or therapy. You have got to stop trying to blame yourself.

    I'll check back in w/you

     
    Old 03-24-2005, 10:36 AM   #15
    sumi
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2004
    Posts: 502
    sumi HB User
    Re: PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope?

    I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. All relatioships have ups and downs. I think you need to write him a letter and tell him how sorry you are for making him feel that way. Perhaps if you put it all down on paper you can make him understand how you feel and what you have learnt. I thinkg you should give him space and let it be. If you love something set it free if it comes back it's your if it doesn't it never was. I can so understand how you feel cause I have no family or friends in this country and was totally dependant on my boyfriend (now my husband) for a long time. It is so hard because that person is all you have. Gosh, I feel so bad for you.
    My husband and I went through something very similar after college. He wanted to go back to his country and I wanted to stay in the USA. Eventually he found a job and moved to a place about two hours away. That was hard, probably the hardest time of my life, I needed him so much but knew that if he had a job we could at least stay in the country. We lived apart for about a year and a half. I just made sure I spent all the time we had together as best as we could. I would cook if I knew he was coming and get a bottle of wine and enjoy his company as much as I could. We had our fights but when we were together nothing else mattered.
    I think you should try and avoid conflict this weekend and have a good time. Life is too short. Try not to bring up the past and if he does just say "that's all in the past, nothing we say or do can change it, all we can do is learn from it and grow"
    Make plans to spend the weekend in fun ways and do stuff that won't give you the chance the fight or think too much. Make a list of stuff to do and ask him to pick what he would enjoy. I used to do that cuase everytime he came we would fight about what to do. Be creative and have fun.
    Be yourself and let loose. Enjoy it and please let us know how everything goes. Take care

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Please help me to help my mom... I am 43! himmylover Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 6 04-01-2011 11:29 AM
    PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me LVNMYLIFE Addiction & Recovery 41 02-04-2006 01:24 PM
    What is going on inside my brain? Please help! I'm all alone! jhamilton401 Brain & Nervous System Disorders 9 01-23-2006 09:01 PM
    overdosed on adderall please help my gf who has no idea yet that i might die afistalker240 ADD / ADHD 12 10-10-2005 02:44 PM
    minor candida help me PLEASE :( madlion Candida 1 11-14-2004 01:20 PM
    anyone, please help! stomach pain blackballoon Open to All Other Health Topics 3 06-21-2003 10:13 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:43 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!