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  • Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

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    Old 03-23-2005, 10:32 AM   #1
    RATTY48
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    Talking Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Try as I might , I cannot convince my wife that she isn't ugly. We v've been married for 18 years. Each and every time Igo out to shop or do anything I buy her a small gift , without fail at least once a week we eat out. I worship the ground that she walks on and nothing makes me feel better than when I hold her close at night. Its almost like a chemical reaction. I can be angry or depressed but once i feel her skin against me I feel nothing but love and compfort. I know its common for women to suffer from lack of self esteem and I don't think it will ever change. so gentlemen when you get home at night love your woman despite theirselves. They are truly God's gift to each and everyone of us.

     
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    Old 03-23-2005, 12:21 PM   #2
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Sounds like something more than just feeling ugly. Is she feeling left out of your life somehow? Is she feeling neglected? Be more introspective and maybe share a bit more here for a bigger picture? What are you really wanting to know?

    Have you asked your wife WHY she feels ugly? rather than just telling her she's not?

    Something more here from my perspective that you're not understanding or getting.

    Men also suffer from low self-esteem, but tend to express it in different ways or in other fears.

    Have you considered marriage counselling?

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    Old 03-24-2005, 03:50 AM   #3
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    sometimes i tell my bf im ugly too.! when we see some women out there.. although deep inside i know im not.. but i just sometimes say it to hear from him that im beautiful.. but there was one day when he told me.. every man loves it when he sees how confident his woman is about her looks and beauty... the more you believe in ur self.. then more i'll believe in you.. and i want you to believe that i think ur the most beautiful woman i have ever seen! tell her that.. it might acutally work..
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    Last edited by Apple pie; 03-24-2005 at 03:51 AM.

     
    Old 03-24-2005, 09:01 PM   #4
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    I can truly sympathize with your wife because I'm exactly the same way. I have no idea why I'm like that. When I look in the mirror, all I see is gross and ugly. Other people have always told me I'm pretty, but I just don't see it. Ever! My husband tried for years to make me feel beautiful and special, but I think he's finally given up. Now I really miss his attention, but it's too late. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that there's probably an underlying problem for your wife's low self-esteem, such as possible abuse or neglect as a child? post-tramuatic stress disorder? depression? I doubt if it's anything you're doing--sounds to me like you're doing everything right. It's HER problem and maybe a therapist could help her get to the bottom of it. Good luck to you and your wife! You sound like a very kind and thoughtful husband.

     
    Old 04-08-2005, 06:05 PM   #5
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    I have a biyfriend and he says that iam pretty but, i just dont feel like i am. i guess i feel this way because in the past some of my family members said that iam ugly. my mother doesnt say that iam ugly but i have two cousin's that said that i was. Its probably more than that. but, in the past when i was in middle school people in school would say that i was ugly. not that much though.through my whole entire life i had people say that i was pretty and people who say that i was ugly. when i look in the mirror i see ugly. can someone please help me boost my self-esstem?

     
    Old 04-08-2005, 11:13 PM   #6
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    If low physical self-esteem reaches a point where it intereferes with life it's called body dysmorfic disorder (BDD). If your wife has that, a therapist can help.

    BTW, you sound like a great hubby

    I'm like your wife, my boyfriend tells me I'm pretty, and I do believe that he thinks that, but in some ways I think he doesn't follow standard ideas of beauty so I feel ugly to the rest of the world. Well, maybe not entirely ugly, but still not pretty, and with lots of "problem areas" that I need to cover up. I must admit that I'm somewhat more confident now, because I feel attractive to my boyfriend.

     
    Old 04-08-2005, 11:29 PM   #7
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Tjay, a good booster of self-esteem is working out! Even if you're pretty and don't need to workout, it will make you feel better.

     
    Old 04-09-2005, 12:04 PM   #8
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Thank you lietchi for the advice! you kind of feel like how i do. I feel in some ways my boyfriend doesnt follow standard ideas of beauty too. i dont think that i am very very ugly. but sometimes i have those days where it feels like the whole world looks better than me. i also think that am starting to have BDD. Am not too sure. Isnt one symptom for BDD excessive looking at a certain body part? I mean, Every time i look in the mirror i use my hand mirror to look at the sides of my face. After i look in my room mirror, i go straigth to the bathroom mirror to look at myself some more. it feels like am always in the mirror. Even before i go in the lunch room at my college, i have to go to the bathroom to check myself out. We also have a mirror in the lunch room. I look in that mirror too before i leave the lunch room. Am not conceided or nothing, its just that i have to look in the mirror and see how i look or see if something is out of place. Did i mention that i look in all the mirrors in my dorm? well, not all the mirrors in my dorm but, the ones that are on my floor. Please i hope that you dont think am some kind of freak i just need your opinion about my behavior. thank you.

     
    Old 04-09-2005, 04:09 PM   #9
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Hm, excessive looking in the mirror can probably be a symptom, though I'm sure there are lots of people who just enjoy seeing how gorgeous they are It doesn't have to be one certain body part, it can be your entire body... Unlike you, I really try to avoid mirrors... In the morning I look in the mirror to put on concealer for my acne, and make sure my hair is looking good. But during the rest of the day I avoid mirrors... No need to see how ugly/sleepy-eyed/etc I am if there's nothing I can do about it... I only look in the mirror to check my appearance if there's a possibility to fix what might be wrong.
    A friend of mine has the same thing as you, he is constantly looking in the mirror to see if his hair is looking good. He's totally insecure about the rest of his face, that he focuses on the one thing he can change. He's also had minor plastic surgery. But with BDD surgery is rarely a solution. No matter how great a job the surgeon did, you will still find something wrong, because the problem is in your head...

     
    Old 04-09-2005, 06:03 PM   #10
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    lietchi, so are you saying that maybe i dont have BDD? I think that its something wrong with me if i constantly look in the mirror and i still think that am ugly. Its like i can get a new hair style and i feel like i still look soooo ugly. I dont look in the mirror because i think am so gorgeous its like the opposite. its so confusing. But, you seem like such a very nice helpful person. I kinda know how you may feel about the whole acne situation. My boyfriend has acne and its making his self-esteem so low. I tell him everyday that its not that bad. It really isnt as bad as he thinks it is to me. I see his face everyday and it doesnt look that bad to me. In fact i dont even think about it because i love him for him. Do you have supportive friends? they can help too. I mean positive people in your life? when did you start having acne? do people bother you about it? Please tell me if am asking to many questions. i would just like to help you. I just appreciate that fact that you are giving me advice.

     
    Old 04-09-2005, 06:36 PM   #11
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    My acne, fortunately, is much better now... I took Roaccutane for it, and that got most of it away. It wasn't actually that bad to begin with, but I just couldn't stop tampering with my zits, which of course made them look horrible... It started when I was about twelve (I'm 22 now). I'm currently so stressed because of uni, so my acne has increased again, but somehow I don't care as much. Before, I used to think that my acne was the only thing that people noticed about my face. I applied concealer religiously. And looking back, I'm sure I got more looks from using too much concealer than from the acne itself... People never bothered me about the acne (except my mom who kept telling me not to mess with my zits). A friend of mine (the one with low self-esteem) once asked me if my acne mentally botheres me. And he advised me to take medication for it. I'm still grateful for that...
    Well, the acne issue may be behind me, but now I just feel self-conscious about my face (I think I constantly look like I'm in a bad mood, simply because of the shape of my mouth... My previous partner often asked me "what's wrong?" when I just had a neutral look on my face.)
    I won't even go into how I feel about my body... Too much fat (but currently working out for that), stretch marks (I really have so many of them, that's a fact, but I probably exagerate how bad they make me look), cellulite (which I don't mind in itself, but added to the other problems...)...
    It could very well be that you have BDD. But it's kind of hard to draw a line from clinical BDD and just low self-esteem... There's therapy for it, but well, you need money for that...
    My boyfriend would like to see me get confidence (which is sweet) but when he says he wants me to wear bikinis, which I would look great in he says, I get an anxiety attack! To gain confidence is one thing, but a bikini is absolutely out of the question! Even if I get firmer with exercise, there are still all those horrible stretch marks, and I can't bear the thought of all those people on the beach staring...
    I mean, I always wear long trousers, never shorts or short skirts, never sleeveless tops, let alone bathing suits... I think he's pushing it on that one

     
    Old 04-09-2005, 11:14 PM   #12
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Am happy that you have someone who is in your life to support you and guide you. How many pounds are you? I have stretch marks too. Am not fat though, i think i got the stretch marks because some time during the time i was younger probably 11 or 12 i gained a some weight. By the time i was 13 i lost weight. So now am stuck with stretch marks on my butt and back waist line . So i know how you kinda of feel about wearing a bikini, cuz people are gonna stare at the marks.

    Last edited by Tjay718; 04-09-2005 at 11:19 PM.

     
    Old 04-09-2005, 11:44 PM   #13
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Stretch marks can soooo easily be prevented... And can heal invisibly with the right treatment... Which is so absolutely frustrating because now it is too late and they're there to stay, grrr... I got them during puberty, I gained some weight (I went from skinny to feminine and got breasts of course), but also grew quickly, so I have stretch marks in both directions. The bigger ones are on hip-waist area and just below my buttocks, and the rest of them over my butt, thighs, breasts, upper part of calves. And very minor also on upper arm (just one very thin one on each arm) I'm 140 pounds, and 5ft5, not overweight, but just with some "padding" so to speak...
    The thing I'm most worried about is that stretch marks mean torn collagen, so I fear that my skin is less firm because of it, especially in the breast area...
    Positive note: stretch marks fade with time... Hopefully not too much time, otherwise by the time the stretch marks are gone, my skin will be sagging...

    If I had to wear a bathing suit I'd choose the Olympic kind, you know, the one that go down to your ankles and wrists to lessen the resistance in the water

    Well, at least we have boyfriends who love us despite our insecurities... In my previous relationship I was also told I was pretty, but somehow I still felt ugly in the relationship. Now I feel attractive. But unless the beach is totally abandoned, I am not wearing a bikini

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 03:02 PM   #14
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    I hear exactly what your saying about the bikini thing! the only time i would wear a bikini is if i have something covering my waist so my stretch marks wont show. I heard that they have some type of chemical treatment that can take the stretch marks off your skin. They also have different types of cream you can use too. I was thinking about getting the chemical treatment done when i turn 22 or 25. I feel that sometimes creams take to long to work. At least with the chemical treatment, i think i would have to wait for my skin to heal then i will see the results. I would like to look more into that chemical treatment procedure for my stretch marks. What a coincidence i weight 140 pounds too! and am an inch taller than you too. am sure you dont have that much padding. My stomach use to be somewhat flat a couple of months ago. But, recently i started noticing that my stomach started getting bigger. I really dont like it that much cuz my stomach sticks out being that i have a small frame. And another thing that i dont like is people are coming up to my boytfriend and asking him if am pregnant. its not alot of people but, its a couple. Some other people are saying that i gained some weight. In the begining of the year i was 125 pounds and my weight just sky rocketed to 140. I dont mind being 140 pounds because that was my ideal weight. I just dont like the fact that i have a stomach. I like how my thighs are know though. when i was 125 pounds i didnt like it to much because i felt that i was too skinny i wanted to be thick and curvy. See, you are so lucky that you have breast. My breast size is a 32 b. I could also wear a AAA. My breast are so small to me. I just wish i could just get rid of my stomach. Do you have any suggestions?

    I never really had a real boyfriend until now. I had a lot of a****** come in my life and destroy my self-esteem though. My boyfriend tells me that am pretty but sometimes i dont feel that way. I remember in the begining of our relationship when we just getting to know each other, i asked him if his last girlfriend looked better than me, at first he hesitated then he said yeah. I felt so angry and upset. I just started crying cuz at that time i felt like the whole d*** world looked better than me. He did not intend to hurt in me anyway but, he felt so bad for saying yeah. i told him that he doesnt need to feel bad cuz he was only telling me the truth, and i did tell him to be honest. It took me a long time to get over that incident though, cuz i felt like i could not compete with his last gurlfriend cuz she was prettier than me. even though he told me everyday that i was pretty too and that he loved me so much. he also told me that he never loved a gurl in his entire life not even his ex, the way he loves me. But, eventually i had to get over it.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 02:04 AM   #15
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    Re: Ugly ; Why Do We Think We Are?

    Well, look at it this way... Maybe the previous girlfriend was physically prettier. But he loves you more. This makes you overall more attractive to him.

    Because my boyfriend wants me to wear bikinis and such and says I'm attractive, I show him beautiful women and say: "You can't honestly tell me I'm as pretty as them?!" His reaction: "Their beauty is purely physical, but you also have internal beauty" Well, of course he's implying that the physical beauty is less, but still... I know what he means: some people look attractive but when you get to know them and they have a horrible character, they suddenly seem ugly... Or maybe a person who's not stereotypically goodlooking, but who has such an "attractive" character that she's very attractive to people. Also, don't forget that self-confidence makes people more attractive!

    As for the tummy... Well, I'd suggest just plain old cardio, because "spot reduction" doesn't exist. And if you want fuller thighs, hips, weight training is the way to go! Do leg exercises, intensely, and you will build muscle there and be "fuller". Also, if you do weight training, you will build muscle which makes your metabolism speed up, which means you burn more calories. Also, don't forget to watch what you eat. If you decide to do something, just go to the Exercise and Fitness board for pointers.

    By the way, a dermatologist once told me that creams don't work. I've heard positive things about some creams, but in the end, if they even work, they only make them fade a bit I think, and not totally disappear. Again, I've heard positive things, but I'm very sceptical... I've heard about dermabrasion and laser treatments, but laser is sooo expensive. Also, I've heard about mixed results... Maybe later, when I have a job and enough money, I can do something about it...

     
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