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    Old 05-03-2005, 07:11 PM   #31
    GettingWellAgain
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Go for it because I think if you never do actually talk to him, you might regret it later in life, always wondering if he was "the one" or not. Good luck
    ~Katalina
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    Old 05-04-2005, 07:30 AM   #32
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Maybe if you are that afraid to talk to him, you could slip him a short note with your phone number, to let him know you are interested.

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 11:14 AM   #33
    CrimsonClover
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you Lisa, Katalina and GreenEyes. Yes, I will need the best of luck tonight! And believe me, I know that I would regret it and always wonder.

    As for the note : I did think about that, but it would only delay the problem - meaning I would have to talk to him sooner or later, right? And my biggest fear, actually, is that he is NOT a divorced dad Ė I really wouldnít want to slip such a note to a married man. Since weíll be together until the end of June, it would make things incredibly awkward in class.

    But I am keeping that option in mind in case all else fails, of course!

    For now, I just need to gather up my courage and say hi. My main concern is what I expressed in my previous post : maintaining eye contact long enough for a smile. What if he keeps breaking it every time I "catch" him looking at me, like he's been doing lately? I still believe he might be interested, otherwise he wouldnít even look in my direction. But itís all so frustrating!

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 11:34 AM   #34
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    I would not slip him any notes. Like you said, you don't know if he's available, so I wouldn't want a potentially embarrassing situation. Your best bet is still a friendly conversation with him about something related to school. Then you can ask him what he did on the weekend and if he mentions his kids again, you can ask if he's married. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck Crimson!

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 07:42 PM   #35
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you, Sophia! But, sigh, he wasnít there tonight. I hope heís OK Ė and, of course, that he didnít drop out.

     
    Old 05-05-2005, 12:31 PM   #36
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Very cool that you've come back to this thread to keep us updated now that you are back in class!

    Don't worry about the eye contact issue. Allow a few more times for those "furtive glances" to play out a little bit more. To be honest... the person who breaks the connection is probably the one who is more nervous and ALSO very interested! So this can be a good sign indeed.

    Do the eye contact stuff for a bit longer, but you're right: don't stretch it out TOO long or it will become silly. The thing is, you are also correct: sooner or later it will need to move from those lingering glances to some actual conversation.

    Since I am GUESSING that he is nervous, it may be up to you to do the talking first. So get yourself together and get ready to say something. We've discussed possible conversation starters before and we've talked about ways to gather up your courage and methods you can use on your own to become more confident and self assured. Soon it will be time to put all that to good use!

    Get excited about it and have fun!

    I hope it works out for you -- do let us know.

    Oh, and one more thing... you can add a little smirk to the eye contact. Raise an eyebrow, smile a little bit, look flattered and yet pretend to be a tiny bit embarrassed. This will give HIM more confidence. It says: "I notice you are looking at me and I'm intrigued but I'm a little bit nervous so go easy on me, OK?"

    You can say a lot without ever opening your mouth. Give HIM some subtle cues and clues and see if he presents more body language to you.

    But as you know... you can only play around with body language and silent flirting for so long. Ultimately you guys have to talk to take it further. But it's OK to indulge in some casual mutual admiration from a distance for just a little longer.

     
    Old 05-09-2005, 08:25 PM   #37
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Hey Scruffy! Iím so glad youíre still on board for this one. I love getting your side of things Ė your male perspective, if you will. So thank you again.

    I just came back from class Ė and I am pulling my hair out. Seriously : I donít know what to do, say or even THINK anymore. I still could not get any good eye contact. Either heís given up on me or he really is too shy. I have no idea anymore, I swear. I passed him in the corridor at the break and tried to smile at him, but he totally ignored me - ouch. How am I supposed to talk to him if he wonít even look at me? I am all for giving him more confidence (like you suggested, Scruffy), if thatís what he needs Ė but I feel like Iím banging my head against a brick wall. Is it too late, then? Should I just give up and leave him alone? (Hmm, back to the title of this thread Ė how ironic.)

    Hereís another problem : there is this girl from our last class together who has "adopted" him, it seems, so theyíre always sitting and talking together now. I donít think thereís anything going on there; I noticed his body language with her and his arms are practically always crossed. But itís still frustrating. I canít afford to just politely wait my turn! How can I get his attention if this girl is constantly glued to him? (Before you ask : yes, even into the parking lot after class!)

    I need to do something more agressive Ė but what? Iím thinking of outright telling him that Iíd like to talk to him, if I can get him alone for 5 seconds. Would that be too straightforward? At this point, I really need to know whether heís interested or not; this has gone on too long. And, if he tells me to go to hell, then Iíll know not to bother with him anymore.

    Oh well. At least I did find out his age, tonight : 43. So heís 8 and a half years older than I am. Let me throw something out there : could this be a factor as far as his self-confidence goes? Also, heís not much taller than I am (Iím 5í4"). I think he is perfect the way he is, I have no problem whatsoever with his age or height. But could that be a factor too?

    I really wish I could show him how much I would love to get to know him better. Based on everything Iíve seen and heard so far, the man is not only handsome and smart but also appears to be a complete sweetheart.

    Sigh - back to my hairpulling, now. Thanks in advance for any advice and/or support! - CC

     
    Old 05-10-2005, 11:23 AM   #38
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Sure wish I had time to write out a whole batch of clever ideas, CC -- but I must hurry and go renew my vehicle registration before close of business today! Just wanted to say THANKS for being so kind and welcoming and I'm glad you enjoy some of what I have to say.

    If you could speak to HIM like you speak to me... you'd be on your tenth date by now, huh?!

    His height -- sure, it may be a factor for him. Of course you already know NOT to mention it if you two start seeing each other. You can only tell him you like him exactly as he is IF he brings it up first. That much is obvious. But yeah, sure... he may feel not as confident because of that. Or he may not. Some smaller guys are brimming with confidence. Hard to say for sure, but certainly it is something to consider.

    The other girl who adopted him -- she is not your concern. If you talk to him, he'll let you know ultimately if he's interested, of course. And meanwhile, SHE is getting the attention YOU want. Ignore her -- she's of no interest to you. YOU can set up something with the guy independent of her. May the best woman win!

    But don't let that scare you -- it is probably not any sort of competition right now anyway. Most likely she's got a similar crush on him and is just hanging around because she figured out how to get him talking.

    You can ABSOLUTELY just go right up to him and tell him you'd love to talk to him for a while, grab some coffee or get a doughnut or whatever. Very few guys would ever balk at a lovely gal saying hello and asking for some of their time!

    As an alternative to keep in your back pocket, if you really must... Ask him for some sort of help. Make something up. I am NOT suggesting that anyone start a relationship based on lies, but there are TONS of relationship that began with one person pretending they needed something from another person just to get his or her attention.

    "Hey, can I borrow a pen, mine just dried up?"

    After hearing of an issue in class or on the news: "Hey, that was very interesting, don't you think? What's your opinion?"

    "Did you get the pages we are supposed to read for the next class? I'm afraid I missed it."

    "Wanna come back to my place and look at my etchings?"

    OK, maybe the last one is a bit too forward for a first conversation, but you get the idea.

    Ignore the other girl. Break right in if you want -- or just grab him quickly the minute she is not around.

    He'll love it -- one girl is unavailable for a moment and then suddenly YOU step in. All that attention... he'll flip. AND... he'll probably credit YOU with having the most courage and GUTS to just walk up to him and talk. THAT will probably impress him a LOT.

    GO FOR IT, KID!

    You've waited long enough, huh?

     
    Old 05-10-2005, 11:39 AM   #39
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Scruffyguy....I have always got a kick out your advice here and have to say that Goody totally agrees....Crimson, you go girl. You have a fighting chance and shouldn't hold back....there is absoloutely nothing to lose here. I imagine that this class may be coming to an end soon & would hate to see you lose out on a great opportunity. Don't hold back.....take a deep breath and go get him T here are alot of us behing you here.....so if you need a boost of confidence, go with that.

    And Scruffyguy.....I did notice that there is a Scruffygirl on these boards....any relation to you????? Hehehehehehehehehe....hey you never know .....Goody

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 07:58 PM   #40
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you so much, Scruffy and Goody. I did think of you both rooting for me as I went to class tonight.

    But that annoying girl was glued to him non-stop again. I canít tell what is going on; theyíre a bit too close for my liking - but maybe thatís just because I feel like it should have been me. Itís OK to be friendly with a classmate Ė but does it have to be at the exclusion of all others?! This is so ridiculous! Is he not allowed to interact with anyone else anymore?!

    Oh well. Instead of sitting there all sad and jealous, I chatted with the girl next to me. He seemed surprised to see me talking, I swear. I donít know whether I should be pleased or insulted.

    Your excellent advice will still be helpful, Scruffy : Iím going to try to talk to him one last time next week. Iíll get there early enough so I can catch him alone. And if he doesnít care, then Iíll never even look at him again. Because Iíve really had it. I am sick of being frustrated and confused like this. I feel like I canít "read" him at all anymore.

    Iím starting to doubt myself and think I hallucinated the whole thing and he was never interested in me. But then I remember all the looks and other non-verbal signs over the months. If thatís the case, can one just turn attraction off that easily? (Well, if thatís the kind of guy he is, Iíd rather find out now than after getting involved with him, of course.)

    How can I tell if heís still interested in me, when this girl is constantly all over him? I donít feel inferior to her in any way, for the record; she just talks more than I do, thatís all. Is he just getting off on the attention? Does he think heís given me my chance and Iíve blown it? I feel so lost and upset. Is anyone worth this?

     
    Old 05-13-2005, 01:09 PM   #41
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    It's entirely possible that he's sort of "given up" at this point -- but maybe not.

    From a male perspective, I can tell you that when I am noticed and I don't respond right away or someone else doesn't make a move... I kind of just let it go. I have no problem personally with talking to someone after many months of flirting, even if in the interim there has been little contact and/or the flirting has died off. Sometimes it picks up again and if it doesn't -- it's JUST as cool to start a conversation and enjoy any NEW flirting that happens.

    In other words -- a guy isn't going to forget someone who flirted with him -- even if nothing ever came of it. He doesn't forget lingering eyes and subtle body language.

    He might be nervous -- he might be very much attracted to you and feel afraid that HE will be the one rejected. So he hasn't said anything or made his own move. And when YOU did not make a move -- he might have felt discouraged and had his fears reinforced.

    But maybe not, so don't worry! And anyway, as long as you DO talk to him, IF he was under this false impression -- it will vanish immediately when he realizes you are into him.

    While it IS possible, to answer your question, for someone to "turn off" an attraction, it is not very likely at all. So I think he's certainly still interested -- he's just playing it cool and/or is shy himself because he likes you so much and is intrigued by your mystique.

    Playing hard to get can be a good way to get noticed, as we all know. But... take it too far... and you can miss out in the end.

    Crimson realizes this right now -- she is at the point where it is time to take action or do nothing.

    Doing nothing results in NOTHING happening, obviously. Taking action can result in something GREAT happening -- or maybe not. If not, the end-result is the same as if you had done nothing!

    So... the risk is well worth taking! You literally have nothing to lose!

    You also asked if he's enjoying the attention from the other gal --you bet he is. But that doesn't mean he's going to date her or marry her. He may not even be attracted to her -- he might simply enjoy her conversation. My best guess, though -- probably he likes SOMETHING about her in a physical way, though right now I'm also betting that this is not a priority for him. He just wants to company and attention and is playing it by ear. Remember, school is a social place -- there are many different types of relationships that form. Not all are romantic.

    I used to hang out with the five most desired women in high school -- but we were all just friends.

    How can you tell if he is into you? You already know he is -- he flirted back with you and responded to your body language. But if you want to know MORE -- you have to talk to him, period. Body language only will take you so far. It teaches you WHO is approachable and receptive to you. But you MUST go from there and actually TALK or it will remain nothing but furtive flirting!

    Is he worth it? That's for YOU to decide. Right now, not having learned about him, there is no way for you to know. Only by speaking to the man will you know if he is worth your future efforts.

    You are afraid of the risks, here, I think -- the possibility of rejection. I am highly convinced you will NOT be rejected. But, look... if you are... so what? The pressure is OFF at that point. No more worries, no more wondering, no more doubt. You can leave him be and move on with your life. And that's OK, too. But you will never know if you don't ACT.

    Because he hasn't approached you, I'm guessing he IS shy, to a degree, just like you. He is responding to the other gal because she made an effort to talk to him, ignoring his shyness and making him feel comfortable. With you, he might see shades of himself in the way you flirt but keep your distance. He may believe he is being RESPECTFUL of you by NOT doing anything himself.

    In other words, he might be picking up the wrong signal from you. He might be thinking: "She likes me but she's too shy and I'm too afraid that I'll scare her if I talk to her first. I'll let HER make the first move."

    If so... and even if not... the first move here is clearly up to you now.

    You know you are charming and charismatic. You know you are attractive to the guy. You know the person inside you can be easily expressed once you realize that in life, should anyone reject the person you really are, that doesn't mean the person you really are isn't any good at all -- it just means that sometimes two personalities are not suited to each other. Doesn't mean YOUR personality is "wrong" by default.

    Still rooting for you. Practice your smile in the mirror some more. Talk to a few more Wal Mart clerks! Put on a great outfit for your next class and DO keep talking to the gal who sits next to you and anyone else you want to talk to. As you saw, he NOTICED that. It won't be a surprise or a shock to him then when YOU talk to HIM next. He'll start seeing you as a social person and will be more receptive to you at that point.

    Sounds like everything is in place now.

    It's your move.

    PS: No relation to ScruffyGirl!

     
    Old 05-13-2005, 01:50 PM   #42
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    I generally agree with Scruffy here, but at the same time I can't help but think "HOW shy exactly can this guy be??" I don't want to generalize, but for some reason, men who want to pursue something with a woman just go for it. I am pretty tall for a girl (especially with heels on LOL), but I've had my share of shorter guys who seemed to have absolutely no problem whatsoever starting a conversation with me. I am not sure if height is the issue here. I have to say, usually when a guy was sending me mixed signals, i.e. flirt with me but not ask me out, it turned out that he was already dating someone. I would hate that to be the situation for Crimson, but you better just find out girl. there has to be a way to find out. Ask that girl he talks to so much. I think it's not a good sign that he's had so many opportunities and so much time to ask you out for coffee or ask any school related question and so far, he did nothing.

     
    Old 05-13-2005, 02:34 PM   #43
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    If you really want to quit pulling your hair out, you need to find out if (1) if he is married, and (2) if he is interested in you and would like your phone number. Sometimes it's hard to tell if a man is married and the only way you are going to find out is ask. I still don't see the harm in slipping him a short note to find out where you stand. Otherwise, you will keep stringing yourself along, wondering and fantasizing, without ever knowing for sure.

    I would want to know if he is available and if he was interested; then you can move on from there. If you don't know, you really can't make any rational, smart decisions.

     
    Old 05-14-2005, 10:02 AM   #44
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Yes, that's true, you need to find out these two basic facts. but I'm still against the note, in case he's not available or interested in dating you. I think the note is a bit too forward. But please, by all means, do ask either him or someone who knows him if he's at least single. You just have to do it, there's no way around it.

     
    Old 05-14-2005, 11:48 AM   #45
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson,
    I've been reading your thread and you very much remind me of myself when I had a crush. I'd just sit there trying to will him to come talk to me... trying to send subliminal messages or use "psychic power" to plant the message in his head to come talk to me! Silly enough, I even used a couple love spells I found in books! But I learned a very important lesson. The things in life that are the most worth your effort are the things that are difficult and that make you a stronger person. Gathering up the courage to talk to this guy, if nothing more, will do nothing but wonders for you as an individual. You will feel more confident about yourself and you'll be proud of yourself! And that's if nothing at all comes of it... you never know- you could have your wish granted!
    Sometimes life puts us into ideal situations to make wonderful things happen for ourselves but it's up to us to actually take that last step. Nothing is going to be handed to you, at least nothing of significant value. You have to believe in yourself and work for it.
    I can't tell you how many days I "wasted" just sitting there the way you are and monitoring eye contact and body language. You've got the observation part down, now it's time for the action part! Don't waste another class!! Once you do this, it will be SO easy for you to accomplish things you never thought you could.
    Just walk up to him after class, look at him, and say "Hi, I'm ..." (I don't know your name!). We've been in class together for awhile now and I just thought I'd introduce myself and get to know some of my classmates. You never know when someone will need the notes from someone else!" I have made some of the best friends and relationships of my life by simply walking up to the person and introducing myself. And you know what else? I think very highly of people who do just that to me! How impressed would you be by a person who walked up to you and said that? IMPRESS HIM! Don't let him get away, or you will forever regret it. At least make the effort. You will love yourself for it and you never know if you're about to meet the man you'll spend the rest of your days waking up next to! Do you really want to take the chance of missing out on that???

    Rose

     
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