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    Old 05-15-2005, 11:04 AM   #46
    ScruffyGuy
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    A quick "PS" here:

    I do think the guy could be shy, to some degree. But clearly he is not shy to the extent that he cannot be social; he's talking to other people with no problems at all.

    I think perhaps he is picking up shyness signals from CC -- and is responding in kind.

    When we let someone else know we are shy or nervous, most people pick up on this body language and will keep their distance. It's kind of like seeing a wild animal who is a bit skittish. We might make a few gentle, slow gestures, but ultimately we leave the skittish creature alone, not wanting to make it more nervous.

    Or it could be a combination of both.

    Only one way to find out, right?

    He has just witnessed CC being more open and social in class. She said he seemed to take note of that. That's a great step toward ridding him of any possible notions he might have that CC is too shy to be approachable.

    But time is running out. It is STILL up to CC to talk to him.

    Will be waiting to see what happens...


     
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    Old 05-16-2005, 02:19 PM   #47
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you ever so much, Scruffy, Sophia, Greeneyes and Rose! Your advice and support has made me feel much better. (And Rose : that was extremely motivating! Iíll keep it all in mind so I donít lose my courage tonight.)

    Clearly my crush is not so shy that he canít socialize; heck, he has two grown kids, so heís been in at least one long-term relationship! Frankly, even though he IS rather quiet, he does not appear nervous at all with other people - including that annoying girl.

    Sophia, you expressed what has been one of my fears since the beginning : if he were interested and available, he would say or do SOMETHING! But maybe itís not that simple. Hey, I am ultra-interested in him and still canít even say hello! Based on what Iíve read, you are much more outgoing than I am Ė so Iím sure men feel more comfortable around you and vice-versa.

    Because: that "wild animal" analogy of yours, Scruffy? That is IT, exactly! And this man is not the first to behave that way. Iíve always had issues with men : deadbeat father, overprotected, raised to believe that "men = pain" and "youíre better off without them". Maybe they can sense that? I also have a history of running away when people get too close Ė which is another problem Iíve been working on, of course.

    I can see how I might have made him feel rejected because I was over-cautious and didnít "jump" on him right away. I was too self-conscious when, instead, I should have focused on HIM and made him feel confident and attractive. Actually, for the first few months, I could not even believe that he might possibly be interested in me anyway.

    For the record, I donít really think thereís anything going on with that other girl; she used to hang out with another guy whoís not in our class anymore, so I think itís just a question of "the next familiar face" for her. I know that they wonít necessarily end up dating. Maybe sheís already taken anyway (I hope so!). Thereís also another guy who sits near her and talks to her, and Iím always rooting for him to distract her away from my crush!

    But, as busy as that gal keeps him, I know heís still paying attention to me Ė even though he is "playing it cool", as you said, Scruffy. Last Wednesday, at one point, I felt my lips were dry and I sort of smacked them together to moisten them. And he immediately reached for HIS lip balm! Coincidence? I think NOT! That was just too funny.

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 08:36 PM   #48
    CrimsonClover
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Well, GREAT news at last, Scruffy and gals: YES! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!

    I was so nervous that I was shaking before I spoke to him, but I decided to just GO for it - like jumping into a cold pool. And: it was amazing! We talked for about 20 minutes before the class, and then again during the break, and then as we were leaving. There were NO uncomfortable silences. He was adorable - and really seemed pleasantly surprised. He was blushing and smiling a lot. We asked each other a whole bunch of questions and shared some laughs. He asked me my name and I asked him his (even though I already knew it, hehe ).

    The highlight? We were talking about how it always gets very cold in the classroom, and I said : "And yet, youíre wearing short sleeves!" And he replied : "Well, if I get cold, you can lend me your sweater!" Is it just me or is that pretty flirty?! And he's even more beautiful up close - sigh...

    Anyway Ė I am so proud of myself! Whatever happens now is up to him, and Iím OK with that. The big question is still "available or not?" - and Iíll find out soon enough. At least now he knows for a fact that I like him. But I wonít get my hopes up Ė I just want to enjoy this!

    So, Scruffy, Sophia and everyone who helped me here : thank you once again from the bottom of my heart for all your support and advice. I could NEVER have done this without you. If you were here, I would hug you all! - CC

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 08:40 AM   #49
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Hurray!!!! Crimson, I am SO proud of you! That's a very good start and yes, he was definitely flirting with you. My intuition tells me that he is interested. So now you need to find out if he's available. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you, girl!

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 10:13 AM   #50
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    You see?! I knew you could do it, and so did you!! How amazing do you feel right now after having conquered your fear... and gotten wonderful results as well!!!
    Now that you've stomped all over your nervousness, you are stronger and free to move forward with this! The best things in life are those that require you to BE STRONG and HAVE FAITH in yourself because they teach you important life lessons and help you grow. Now when you see him, you know you can talk to him! Bring a nice warm fluffy sweater next time and make a joke about how he would look good in it!
    One thing though- don't assume he knows your interested just yet. You've taken an amazing step and started an acquaintance relationship with him, but sometimes men can be pretty clueless when it comes to reading a girl's intentions. If you were to ask him to go get coffee after class, there would be a much better chance of him knowing you're interested. But judge for yourself when the right time to do that is. Like I said, you took the biggest step and should be SO PROUD of yourself. I know exactly how you feel, because I've been there before! The first time I talked to my crush in middle school... it was a good 6 months after I developed the crush! But I still remember his first words to me, and I will NEVER forget them!!

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 11:33 AM   #51
    ScruffyGuy
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    NICE, kiddo!

    Really glad I was of some help to you!

    Now, if you'll just allow me one moment here...

    "Told you so!"

    Very, very cool. It was well worth my time and effort to follow through with your post. How very satisfying to hear such a great resolution.

    Yes, I know you aren't quite done here just yet, but... yeah, it sure sounds like he's being very flirty right back at you! Odds are pretty good that he IS available -- he probably wouldn't have been so forthcoming if he had someone else.

    You've conquered a LOT here, you know.

    This one incident has now given you the courage and self-esteem to go out there and get whatever you want out of life (as if you had any doubt that you were capable in the first place)!

    Keep on BECOMING yourself. Share the cool gal that you are with this guy. Take it slow, see what happens -- and know you did exactly the right thing here.

    I'm honestly thrilled for you.

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I had a lot of fun talking to you and reading the advice everyone else shared here, too. I will keep my eyes open for your screen name in the future and will keep tabs on how you are doing.

    APPLAUSE!

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 04:17 AM   #52
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Hey Crimson, you still out there? Wondering if you could give us an update on your progress with the dream man!!

     
    Old 05-30-2005, 01:50 PM   #53
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Oh, hi Rose! Yes, Iím still around - thanks for asking!

    "Dream man" is right, so far; he is beyond adorable and Iím getting nothing but great vibes from him. It feels so good. And, believe it or not, he actually seems to be even more interested than I am! That makes me wonder why he never said anything, of course.

    We have a system on the university website where we can e-mail classmates, and heís already written to me 3 times Ė I did think it would be sweet if he did, but I never dared hope that he would. Wrong! You should have seen my face when I saw his name in my in-box!

    So, even though classes will be over in 3 weeks, thereís a pretty good chance we might keep in touch after that, since heís obviously more than willing to communicate outside the classroom.

    But Iím taking it slowly, as I should. Itís hard sometimes not to get carried away and imagine what could happen, but I am very careful. I still donít know whether he is married or not, and that is my biggest fear Ė so I must find out soon. Iím not sure how to ask without sounding nosey, though. Must find a subtle way! Well, Fathers Day is coming, and I know he IS oneÖ so that could be a good opportunity to find out.

    I still have to fight my natural urge to run away, sometimes, so Iím grateful heís not moving too fast either. I also get scared that Iím going to say or do (or NOT say or do) something and mess everything up. And, finally, I have moments of doubt where Iím wondering what the heck he sees in me and what his true intentions are - and dreading having him suddenly turn into a jerk!

    So, basically : my eyes are wide open for red flags, but I am definitely enjoying getting to know this (seemingly) very special man right now. Iím sorry it took so long to happen, but it was well-worth the wait. Thank you once again everyone for coaching me through this! - CC

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 07:22 AM   #54
    ScruffyGuy
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    CC:

    COOL update, thanks for that!

    Probably he didn't say anything to you in the first place BECAUSE he was so interested, as you are finding out now (told ya so)!

    You are wise to keep your eyes open -- this is normal in the early stages of a relationship, too. Just as long as you never let your caution turn into paranoia, OK? You have to make sure you have FUN with this, too -- and it sounds as if you certainly are, so no problems there.

    It's OK to just come right out and ASK him if he's married. Easiest way... as you mentioned, with Father's Day coming soon, you can start a conversation about his kid. Then you can segue into asking about the kid's Mom. That ought to do it.

    I'm doubting he's married... But you certainly DO have the right to ask this most important question, so don't be too shy about it, at least not for long.

    Have a GREAT time exploring this new relationship. Make SURE he has a means to contact you outside of school, of course -- you want to have some fun together this summer, I'm sure!

    Best of luck to you -- feel free to keep us updated anytime.

    And for the record... you've come a LONG way since we all first started talking. It's easy to tell just based on what you write. So no matter what happens with this guy, never forget that you have learned many new things about yourself and have gotten over many fears and insecurities. These new character traits will take you far in life, no matter where it leads.

    I'm very proud of you -- and I have to say this, too... I've been participating in online message boards for what seems like centuries but has really been about a dozen years (for the more "modern" boards, at any rate). Of all the folks I've "met" online -- you are one of the coolest. Not only did you submit a problem, but you accept advice and actually IMPLEMENTED it within your life and affected positive change. You are living proof that message boards CAN help.

    And it was a lot of fun to follow along with you.

    I wish you all the best...

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 07:34 AM   #55
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    I am very excited for you. He obviously is interested or he wouldn't have e-mailed you. It sounds like he is a little shy and feels more comfortable e-mailing you. It is not as intimidating as beginning a conversation with someone that you don't know. I'm on the shy side as well and when I don't know someone, I am much better at e-mail until I feel comfortable with them. What do his e-mails say?
    Make sure you smile at him and say hello when you see him in class.
    Good Luck. We are all rooting for you!

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 05-31-2005 at 07:35 AM.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 04:10 AM   #56
    CrimsonClover
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Well, the truth finally came out last night : he IS married.

    And I feel like such a bloody idiot.

    So, once again, I must ask : should I just leave him alone?

    As a "potential", yes, of course I must forget him. But Iím talking about our new friendship. He is one of the greatest guys Iíve ever met and I really like him as a person Ė and he really likes me too.

    But I donít believe a man and a woman can be just friends if they are attracted to each other.

    Plus I do feel like heís been leading me on. And I hate this. Is he just another deceitful, lying, cheating creep?

    Heís been ending his e-mails with "Kisses, xxx" since last week. To me, that IS crossing the line and taking it too far. I still havenít replied to the last one (from yesterday) Ė and I donít know what to do about it. I donít feel like replying at all. Iím too upset right now.

    And I have to see him 3 more times before the semester is over. I donít know how to handle that either. Last night, I left without saying goodbye. I could not even look at him. Like I already said : I feel so stupid.

    If anyone has any words of advice, I would greatly appreciate them. (And Scruffy, if youíre still with me : if I may return your sweet compliment, you are also one of the coolest and wisest people Iíve ever met on any board. Iím sorry my story didnít end so well, after all - but youíve really helped me a lot. Thank you.)

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 07:14 AM   #57
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    CC, you have absolutely no reason to feel bad about anything youíve done. He and his actions were stupid but not you. You had no way of knowing that he was deceiving you with his emails. In fact, you should be proud of yourself for somehow getting him to reveal that he was married when he apparently had no intentions of revealing that and was giving you signs to the contrary.

    Iím sure Scruffy will have great advice for your shortly but in the mean time, avoid all contact with himÖ starting with no eye contact. Should he try to talk to you, give him the silent treatment. Obviously, you have no smile for him so by taking away everything you used to get his attention, you show your are now refusing any attention from him.

    Iím sorry he treated you this way. He must have very weak character.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 08:19 AM   #58
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson,
    I am soooo sorry that it turned out he is married. It was totally inappropriate for him to be e-mailing you and ending e-mails ending with XXXXX. Did you find out in person after class that he is married? If so, what did you say after he mentioned that? If he approaches you again, I would tell him that since he is MARRIED you do not feel that your "friendship" should continue. You could also send him a note to this effect via e-mail if it would be easier for you.
    Remember, you did everything right!!! He is the one with bad character. (I'm sure his wife would love to know that he has been flirting and sending e-mails to a pretty girl in class.)
    Use this experience to instead boost your self confidence and remember that he WAS ATTRACTED to you. Next time you see someone that you are interested in, it will be less difficult for you to approach them and begin a conversation.
    Go out there and keep on being yourself. The right one will come along!!

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 08:42 AM   #59
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson, I'm sorry too. I was really hoping there would be a happy ending to your story. In answer to your question if it's possible for a man and a woman who are attracted to each other to remain strictly platonic, I would say It MIGHT be possible with A LOT of self-restraint on both sides, but WHY TORTURE YOURSELF??? I also think he definitely crossed the line with ending his emails with "Kisses" because he knew it was leading you on. I am curious how exactly you found out about his marital status. Would you mind sharing that with us?

    In any case, I think it would be best to stop contact with him. You don't have to act hostile or not pay any attention, but just be polite and say it's best to reserve your friendship to school-related matters. What's up with all these married guys flirting and seeking attention from single women? I think he wasn't being very forthcoming in revealing the fact he's married. A guy who had no intention to flirt (or even possibly cheat) behind his wife's back would have mentioned very fast that he has a wife. Just my opinion.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 09:05 AM   #60
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    Re: Should I just leave him alone?

    Crimson,
    I am so sorry as well. You have gone on for 3 months assuming that he was single so that must have been a complete blow when he finally did reveal that he was married.

    What he has been doing is incredibly inappropriate and I know that if you could get the courage to finally talk to him then you will definitely have the courage to quit talking to him. I promise that you will feel much better about yourself if you let him know what your thinking.

    I think sending an email like blue eyed lady said would probably be the best way since i can tell that you probably are uncomfortable in any type of confrontation situation. Just send him a quick email that says something to the effect of - that you didn't realize that he was married and you it really makes you uncomfortable communicating in a "flirty" way with a married man. And by NO means should you appologize for anything - he completely led you on, he is the scum bag in this situation.

    As to can men and women be friends - his flirting has clearly beyond the "friend" point and you completely adore this man, I think you would only be torturing yourself by being friends with someone that you are interested in. And why would you want to be friends with someone like him anyway - he is unloyal to his wife, deceived you, and clearly has no values as to faithfulness. You are a smart, beautiful woman - you can have any "friend" that you want, you don't need people like this in your life.

    Like I said, if you let him know that you don't approve of the way he has been acting, you will feel so much more confident. You are the bigger person here. And look how much courage you have has the last few months, next time it will be even easier to approach someone.

    Good luck - let us know what happens,
    Libra02

     
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