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  • Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

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    Old 03-30-2005, 07:40 AM   #1
    here4support
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    Unhappy Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    (This is going to be long)

    My husband and I have different views on strippers and strip clubs.

    First let me say that he doesn't frequent them. When we were dating the only time he would go is for someone's bday or a bachelor party. I never really seemed to be bothered by it. I wish I could have kept that mindset and not gotten the way I am now. As we got closer in our relationship, I started to have a change of heart on the strip joint thing, and when he would go for a cousin's bday I'd get so irritated and I felt like he was cheating on me

    Anyway, his brother got married two months before we did, and he was of course the best man for that wedding. He knew how much I struggled with the strip joint thing and said he wasn't going to plan a strip club as the outing for his brother. He was trying to be respectful for me. Well, his brother's boss ended up planning it and my husband of course was invited. I remember how well I handled it! He was asking me, if it was ok and if I was sure I would be ok with it, and I said yes. It was his brother and I didn't want him to not go. He assured me he wouldn't get any lap dances (he also has always told me that the lap dances do nothing for him, basically they don't turn him on like they might for most men....but I'm still not sure if I believe this). Anyway he went, and he was only gone for about 2 or 2 1/2 hours. It wasn't bad at all and for some reason, I was ok! He even left me a note inside that I didn't see till he left. It was saying how he knew it was so hard for me that he was going and to remember he knows that and he loves me and he would be home soon!

    It was our wedding coming up 2 months after that which I was worried about. I stressed about our bachelor party nights. We had them the same night. I knew his best man would take him to a strip club. I knew he would have lap dances. We even went to therapy before this, and he and I talked with my counselor about how it made me feel. Essentially it was up to my husband to make the decision. I let it go, then when it was about 1 week to our party nights, I asked him, and he was telling me how torn he was, if he didn't go, the guys would give him hell and if he did go..he'd be hurting me. He kept reassuring me that the reason he "would" go isn't because he is turned on by strippers, and that they probably wouldn't even be there longer then 1 or 2 hours. Then they would move on to a regular local club.

    I knew when it came down to it, my husband wasn't going to want to look like he was whooped by me, to his boys, so he was going to go on the outing. He went, and I had my party. All of us girls just went out. We got home at about 1am. Husband got home at 4am. Said they had to drive all the drunks home before he picked his car up. I could vouch for him that he was totally sober when he got home, which was nice for me. I was glad.

    Anyway we sat there and told each other about our night. We had a nice conversation. He even explained to me about the strip club and that he had about 8 lap dances. I was very unhappy about that, but I didn't pick a fight with him.

    I guess the reason I'm here is that I've been married almost 8 months and from time to time this issue still comes to my mind and I get so sick to my stomach about it. My husband hasn't been to a strip club since then, and doesn't get invited to go, as I said before it was never something that was frequented. Anyway the other day as I was thinking this over, I ended up emailing him asking him again about touching the girls when they are dancing on him. He always told me you can't touch them, and there is security all around.

    So I email him and ask again, and he said no you can't touch them. I ask him, "how do you give them their tip money" he says "you put it in their garder on their leg" OK, TO ME THAT IS TOUCHING! I don't like it. I feel jaded. I feel like he cheated on me by having all those lap dances. He says it is uncomfortable sitting there in front of all these other guys w/this woman dancing for you, and he says he doesn't get turned out by it, but I just don't believe that.

    So I wanted to email him something to this affect, but I haven't sent it and don't know if it is worth starting another war over it:


    so you are wrong for saying you aren't allowed to touch them, cause you do touch them to give the skank her money. I'm sure when you are slipping the dollars in their garder your hand is touching her leg.

    I think it is sick, and I hate that you don't respect me for it. Think whatever you want, as to why I still think about this happening, but it is because you hurt me when you did it...and to think you had so many on your bachelor night makes me ill to my stomach. Hope you truly enjoyed it for what it was worth to you and your buddies....I know you'd never tell you me you like it, cause you know how I feel about it, so obviously you won't say you enjoyed all 6 or 8 or 10 of the dances that night. Just as long as you had your fun.

    It was simple for me, I knew I didn't have to go out and have hot GUYS groping me and shoving their di** in my face to make me feel like I had a good time. Whether you CARE about that or not, I DO, and I still to this day, hate strippers and what they stand for. I also don't get how you can sit there and try and say you don't see their bodies all on you and look at their bo*bs.

    I know it is impossible NOT to see that when they are all in your face 2 feet away from you, or straddled over you touching your arms while they girate and throw their bo*bs in your face.

    I just don't understand what part of any of this is OK for you. You are sitting here reading this shaking your head right? Saying I'm the one with the issues (as ususal cause that is always what you say when it comes to this). Some how this time I think you are wrong.



    So that was the email I had wanted to send him but haven't yet. I know it is way too harsh, he isn't a bad guy and I know he loves me, so why can't I move past this strip club dancer issue???

     
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    Old 03-30-2005, 07:46 AM   #2
    jaybee18
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Hi here4support--I know what you are dealing with...just in a different sense. My fiance has been visiting online-type-porn, and doesnt realize how much it hurts me--even if he cant 'touch' them. I can totally relate to the thinking about it and not being able to let it go. Im still working on dealing with this myself, and dont have to many answers for you--but it has helped me to know that others are dealing with the anxiety about things that can be harmful in a relationship-other temptations. Have you had any indication of other instances of being interested in looking at other women? Im not trying to create more worry for you, but my fiance said the same thing about strip clubs--that it does nothing for him, and hed rather not go--so why does he LOOK at porn. Hopefully we can keep each other posted on our struggle. Keep your chin up....

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 07:47 AM   #3
    bave
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Take it from a guy, and I am the last guy in the world who would do anything to disrespect or cheat on a woman. While strip clubs are not my thing, I don't think its cheating because there is A) No chance of actual sexual activity B) No emotional connection.

    Simply physically touching a leg while paying them isn't a sexual thing really in my book, thats like saying every time you bump into a woman at a club or your elbow touches a butt/boob etc its cheating, its incidental.

    Thats my take at least.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 07:48 AM   #4
    jaybee18
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Bave, in response to your post--I understand about your point regarding the strip clubs. Do you see internet porn the same way? What is your view?

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 07:57 AM   #5
    here4support
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    Wink Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    [QUOTE=jaybee18]Hi here4support--I know what you are dealing with...just in a different sense. My fiance has been visiting online-type-porn, and doesnt realize how much it hurts me-- Have you had any indication of other instances of being interested in looking at other women? .[QUOTE]

    jaybee18 thanks for posting! No I haven't noticed my husband being interested in other women, not even interested in going clubbing w/the guys or anything! Just this darn strip joint thing, and even that he didn't frequent! He doesn't look at porn, to the best of my knowledge.. I remember one time his father had a playboy subscription sent to our house to get him to join, and he called his dad and told him never to do that again, and he threw the magazine out with out opening it or taking the plastic off it! I even checked the garbage the next day and it was still all sealed up! So I don't think he looks at that stuff, I did find a tape (of porn) from when he lived alone and I'm sure you know what that was for!!!! He threw it away when we moved!

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 07:59 AM   #6
    here4support
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    Thumbs down Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bave
    Take it from a guy, and I am the last guy in the world who would do anything to disrespect or cheat on a woman. While strip clubs are not my thing, I don't think its cheating because there is A) No chance of actual sexual activity B) No emotional connection.

    Simply physically touching a leg while paying them isn't a sexual thing really in my book, thats like saying every time you bump into a woman at a club or your elbow touches a butt/boob etc its cheating, its incidental.

    Thats my take at least.

    bave- it isn't incedential because you are choosing to have the lap dance and you KNOW you have to pay them that way. Sorry, but I disagree with you here. As far as no sexual activity??? HUH? The girl is NAKED, she wears a g-string and no top, that doesn't leave much left for the imagination. That is pretty darn sexual if you ask me.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 08:23 AM   #7
    jedimindtricks
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Hi, I don't want to be the cynic here, but I have to say that I do think you are being WAY too hard on your husband. I understand how a man going to strip clubs, looking at porn, etc. can make his woman feel. I have been in that situation a couple times. The issue isn't "cheating" i don't think. I think the issue is how secure you are with yourself, and your relationship, but mostly yourself. I know when I had gotten mad about those kinds of things, what it came down to, was I didn't want him to think they(the stripper/porn star/whatever ya call em) were more sexually attractive than me. It was about me being insecure with myself. It sounds like you found a VERY GOOD guy!! and take it from me, you are lucky, they are hard to find.....I am not trying to discount your feelings, I understand completely how you feel, I was there, and looking back, all those fights I had were not worth it. You said you had gone to counseling before his this event, maybe it would be good to go back and discuss it more, because i know you can't just let something go in a snap, and maybe it will help you also feel more secure about yourself. I wish you very much luck, take care

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 08:44 AM   #8
    here4support
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    Talking Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    jedimindtricks:

    Thanks. Just to let you know I do still go to counseling, not soley for the purpose of this, although it has been a topic many of the times.

    I know I am not secure w/myself, but I also know my morals and values don't support a relationship when someone is giong to strip joints receiving lap dances w/more then half naked women. I must credit myself to say, I'm doing so much better then ever before with this. I can handle it more and control my emotions alot more. In a normal case a year or two ago, I would have already sent that email to hubby, with out asking for opinions....I would have called him at work to pick a fight about it, and I haven't done that, and don't even feel that I will send the email after all. It feels good just to get it out!

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 08:51 AM   #9
    bave
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    A lap dance is not a sexual act, why? Because one of the two people involved are being paid to do it. Do you think the stripper has any desire to sleep with some drunken slobs?

    Same thing with porn on the internet or anything else. If you are so insecure as to your partner seeing another person of the opposite sex naked you are going to have a major problem in life. Pornographer, exotic dancers, and sexual innuendo are everywhere in society, you need to be able to realize that and come to grips with it.

    In my mind, its not whether you are exposed to it that is the issue, its how you respond and act on it that determines whether or not it will be a problem. I'll tell you this, you are going completely overboard on your husband. He went out on a bachelors party, did nothing out of the ordinary, and did nothing to disrespect or misplace your trust.

    I can't even believe that a wife is sending these emails throughout the day to throw this at her husband while he is at work instead of talking to them....

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 09:14 AM   #10
    here4support
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    Angry Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Bave I don't appreciate you jumping all over me! I obviously am here for support not for a guy to come in and bad mouth me and my values!

    If lap dances aren't sexual, then why do men go? Because they like paying someone to dance with out their top on? WHATEVER BAVE.

    As for me emailing my hubby, I DIDNT! I said that is what I wanted to say to him and it just helped me to vent. I didn't send the email and Just posted previously that I wasn't GOING TO SEND IT!

    My husband and I have talked about it, and sometimes he isn't the easiest person to talk to, he gets embarrassed so sometimes emailing each other works better for us. I don't think that has anything to do with the issue at hand!

    I thought these boards were for support, seems to me as if you were jumping down my throat!


     
    Old 03-30-2005, 09:29 AM   #11
    Tygrysek
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    "I just don't understand what part of any of this is OK for you. You are sitting here reading this shaking your head right? Saying I'm the one with the issues (as ususal cause that is always what you say when it comes to this). Some how this time I think you are wrong."

    here4support- you know, my b/f says the EXACT same thing. Each time an issue like this comes up, he says that IM the one with the problems/issues that i need to get over. I completely understand what you are going through, it is very normal for you to still not be able to forget about this and for it to still bother you. I know that exact sickening feeling to your stomach when you imagine the guy you love watching, toughing, smiling, being aroused by another naked woman. And you know, my b/f also says the EXACT same thing that it doesn't turn him on AT ALL, its just a guy thing etc. To me, that is complete BS. Im glad that you are doing something to help you deal with this, and let me tell you, even if months, years later you still feel upset each time you think about it, thats OK its completely normal. Feeling like your husband "cheated" is extremely difficult to get over and forget about. To the guys however, the whole issue is no big deal. Yes, i think you should discuss what you are feeling with him, BUT i dont think you should necessarily be harsh and hostile towards him. The truth is, its in the past. Whats done is done. Constantly bringing it up and starting arguments about it is not leading to anywhere good, and in fact, that will cause you to keep thinking about it even MORE instead of enjoying your first year as a newlywed. Please try to move past this, and as ridiculus as this sounds, maybe try to think that it "never really happened". I know thats hard, but thats kind of how I got over a very similar issue with my b/f. I know its sounds weird but it worked for me. The more I've told myself that it never really happened, the more uncertain I am right now about what really DID happen?? lol....
    It sounds like your husband is a wonderful man and loves you very much. Im sure he is also feeling distressed about how this has been affecting you and Im sure he doesnt want you to fee like this. For him, this whole issue is long forgotten and thats why he doesn't understand why you are still bringing it up. Please try your best to live in the future, not in the past. Best of Luck and take care

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 09:32 AM   #12
    jedimindtricks
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    here4support- it's good to hear you are still going to counseling....personally i think it's a wonderful thing, i go every week and feel it helps me. it's also very good to come here and vent and ask about the situation b4 reacting when you are thinking about it, and feeling mad, i can relate to you alot, i think alot. mind is always going on and problems seem to get bigger/worse the more i think about things and then my anger/depression grows also. i think your husband really loves you alot and i think since he doesn't go to strip clubs regularly, this will fade, it was his bachelor party, and thats a one time event. anyway i am glad you decided not to send the e-mail, it may have started another fight, i wish you two the best and glad to listen anytime ya need to vent

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 09:49 AM   #13
    GirlHarley
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Hate to use this phrase and I'm sure I'll get some "heat" for this....
    but......boys will be boys....Too bad your husband wasn't man enough to be upfront with his buddies and just tell them the truth that HE was not interested in the Strip Club/Lapping dancing scene for his Party.......

    Although I do understand how you feel, but for the sake of your marriage let that night be a night in the past before your marriage and think to the future with this man...I really wouldn't send off that email, your husband knows how you feel - by continuing to bring it up will do no good. All you can do is "try" to move on with your marriage and be happy. I really don't think there is much more you're husband could do to make you feel any better, it happened, he didn't cheat, YES, you KNEW he had to Touch the stripper in order to give her the money - why continue to Bring it Up?

    Ask yourself.....What will it take for you to forgive your husband? What can he say or do to make that night disappear from your mind? I'm sure HE forgot about that night, but by you reminding him how much it's still bothering you, he's remembering what a great night he had...

    Celebrate tonight with his OWN strip tease and lap dance - give him the thrill of his life - so he will NEVER remember his bachelor night but remember how awesome his WIFE is.....

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 09:56 AM   #14
    CoreyP
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bave
    A lap dance is not a sexual act, why? Because one of the two people involved are being paid to do it. Do you think the stripper has any desire to sleep with some drunken slobs?

    Same thing with porn on the internet or anything else. If you are so insecure as to your partner seeing another person of the opposite sex naked you are going to have a major problem in life. Pornographer, exotic dancers, and sexual innuendo are everywhere in society, you need to be able to realize that and come to grips with it.

    In my mind, its not whether you are exposed to it that is the issue, its how you respond and act on it that determines whether or not it will be a problem. I'll tell you this, you are going completely overboard on your husband. He went out on a bachelors party, did nothing out of the ordinary, and did nothing to disrespect or misplace your trust.

    I can't even believe that a wife is sending these emails throughout the day to throw this at her husband while he is at work instead of talking to them....

    So Bave, If I understand you correctly. If one person is getting paid then its not a sexual act. So if you pay a hooker, and have sex with them. That doesn't count cause the hooker is only doing it for money? Sorry but that makes no sense. I like the strip clubs and porno movies. But its definitely all about sex and your imagination. Who cares what the other girls want with you or what your chances are. We do it because we are sexually attracted to that women. I for one think its good for relationships, it stimulates the sex part of your mind, and increases your sexual drive. But its all about sex, sex, sex.

     
    Old 03-30-2005, 10:17 AM   #15
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Something I've tried to let go of, and can't seem to shake it!

    Here4support.....I think that this is once again one of those trust issues that you having difficulty dealing with. As Goody recalls...just a week or so ago it was the Basketball game and being around alcohol and other guys drinking. I'm going through these very same trust issues with my 16 year old daughter....I call them the 3 D's ~ Drinking, Driving, & Dating

    I'm with you as far as these strip clubs go...but be happy it was in a strip club because I've heard horror stories of extra bonuses you can pay for at private home parties

    Goody is lucky that my hubby opted out of this horrible tradition. He spent the night before our wedding shooting pool with my father, brothers and his dad at the community 55 & over clubhouse where my parents live.

    Anyway....don't Email your hubby....this is another one of those moments that you just have to pick your battles. Your husband is with you and loves you and doesn't frequent these places. To make a battle 8 months later is just going to put unnecessary stress on your relationship. He loves you and was even thoughtful enough to leave you a note acknowledging your feelings about strip clubs. That's alot of love right there. Count your blessings that you have a wonderful husband that is with you and is understanding of how this bothers you. Don't send him that email, instead send him a love letter telling him how lucky you are to have him in your life......Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-30-2005 at 10:18 AM.

     
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