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  • Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

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    Old 03-31-2005, 08:21 AM   #1
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    Angry Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    Yes I'm back, and it is still the SAME THING

    Yesterday driving home from a meeting we went to, we were stopping to get something to eat, and we were having a great conversation! I totally missed the drive to wear I should have turned, and really truly thought there were two drives to this restaraunt location.

    My husband flat out goes "Where are you going, your driving SUCKS" No, he wasn't kidding.

    I didn't say anything, but I felt really small and belittled. My heart was racing and I was angry, and I just CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

    So finally we get to the restaurant (drive through) get our food and go home. I later say to him, again "Why do you always have to make rude comments about my driving and ruin a nice moment." He just sat there. Then he said he doesn't feel he was being rude so I just dropped it.

    Well, today I was looking into getting tickets to see David Copperfield Live, and I left hubby a message to see if he wanted to go, ticks are $58 a piece. He calls me and doesn't even say hi he just goes "You would pay that much for tickets?" So I said, never was just a thought of doing something different. Forget it.

    So then he says he has a thought of doing something different. He said "We can go to Niagra Falls for the cost of what it would be for those two tickets" I said, oh yeah, but whose car would we take (remember his car is leased, and over mileage and mine is stick which he can't drive well). He said "Your car" I said "Are you driving it?" He goes "NO WAY"

    So I have a confession to make: I LOST IT. After him saying last night that my driving sucks just because I missed a driveway and had to turn around, I just can't do it anymore. I am so worn out from it.

    How would each of you feel if EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU GOT IN YOUR CAR and DROVE, your HUSBAND OR WIFE would CRITIQUE everything you do??? Would tell you how bad you drove or how much you suck at driving??

    I'm 28 years old. Out of anyone who has ever road in my car with me, HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS EVER DONE THIS!

    This includes all my ex's, friends, family..ect.! So if I really did suck, I'm sure he wouldn't be the only one to have told me that! I know it is just him. I am just at my whits end, I can't take it anymore. I'm angry.

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    Old 03-31-2005, 08:48 AM   #2
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    I would turn up the radio and ignore him....Tell him you're busy driving and watching the road and cars....

    If he doesn't want to learn how to drive your car, that's his problem not yours. I still would do what Weasel said in your last thread, pull over and hand over your keys....If you're going to be afriad of your own husband by doing this - then you need to look harder in your marriage...

    But if he's a great guy as you said he is, and he has this driving issue with you - Tell him to shut up or drive......and stop being such a backseat driver.
    You're Not a bad driver if you do not Drink & Drive, if you stop at stop signs and lights and pay attention to the road - If it's just your sense of direction that annoys him - He knew that when he married you and if that is the ONLY thing he can Nag At You about.....gzzz, I guess you two won't be doing much outtings together.....

    Old 03-31-2005, 09:49 AM   #3
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    Why are you letting him have it all his way on this one? He shuts his mouth or he drives, your car or his leased one. That simple. Clearly you've had enough.

    Old 03-31-2005, 10:13 AM   #4
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    ya know, i can relate to this one and specifically the driving. my fiance (soon to be ex, long story), is on my case when i drive and it (no pun intended) drives me NUTS! he never comes right out and says i suck but he's more passive aggressive about it and jokes about how lame of a driver i am so in his mind its "okay" because he was "only joking". but he complains and makes a big deal if i swerve or drive a little faster than he wants me to etc etc etc. one day it was 3 things he said within 2 minutes i basically said, GET OFF MY CASE! and he will never apologize or admit he's doing anything wrong =/ so sad.

    sounds like your hubby is insensitive like mine is, i'm a sensitive person and like to be treated with respect and he and i disagree with what "respect" is and what isn't sadly. I totally feel for you and I don't think you're wrong at all for feeling the way you do. I am totally in your shoes and understand the frustration =/ I'm sorry.

    Old 03-31-2005, 11:07 AM   #5
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    Angry Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    Thanks silver linging

    I really truly am frustrated and just don't know how to tell him, or talk to him about it, since he doesn't see he is doing anything out of the ordinary.

    Old 03-31-2005, 11:08 AM   #6
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    Sorry but this has to be said. I am a male so take this for what it's worth. You need to tell him, he can't be much of a driver if he can't drive a stick shift. He has no right to criticize your driving if he can't drive the car himself.
    Yikes a man who can't drive a stick shift....

    Old 03-31-2005, 11:22 AM   #7
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    Originally Posted by 72Lena

    My husband flat out goes "Where are you going, your driving SUCKS" No, he wasn't kidding.

    Then he said he doesn't feel he was being rude so I just dropped it.
    Why did you drop it? Of course he was being rude and he knows it. He'd never say that to a bus driver, cabbie, or anyone else and get away with it. It's totally disrespectful to you. What if you'd said 'shut up' --he probably would've thought THAT was rude..

    Look, if he feels a need to even the score because he feels inadequate at being chauffeured because he can't drive a stick--that's his problem. He HAS other options; take the bus, cab, walk, learn to drive a stick (it's not hard for chrissakes), or get a new lease.
    If he's not willing to do any of those because you're conveniently doing all the driving, then you have every right to demand he be a 'good passenger' because you're doing him a favor.
    Lay it out to him and stick to it; I don't want to drive anywhere with you because it's too stressful and unpleasant. Even going to Niagra isn't worth enduring the car ride with you --and DON'T GO.
    If he can't see how his hateful remarks are hurting you, then you've got a bigger problem then his backseat driving.

    Old 03-31-2005, 11:24 AM   #8
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    Unhappy Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    hey golfguy thanks for coming in.....I think the thing is with him, I NEVER EVER made fun of him, about not being able to drive a stick. When I found out, which was very early on in the relationship, I never razzed him or teased him. Never even though about it!

    Didn't give it a second thought. I just really didn't care! So it bothers me that he has to criticize me like this. I don't know.

    I'm planning on talking to him tonight, when I'm much more calm and laxed about it. I would love to go to Niagra Falls to get away, but not with him alone in the car while I'm driving. He will drive me NUTS before we get there!

    Old 03-31-2005, 11:30 AM   #9
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    I assume since you haven't mentioned it that you 2 are not in counseling? If so then why the heck not????? This is clearly beyond the issue of just driving as he clearly doesn't have the respect for you that you deserve. I have known people like this who get off on criticizing and don't even realize they are being critical and sometimes it takes an outsider to see it and make them see what they are doing. Sounds like he's broken you of your spirit and I was like that in my last relationship to the point where I just gave up and said to myself I guess this is just how it's going to be and luckily after a while I found myself a better man. If he's one of those guys who thinks going into therapy makes him "less of a man" or for you two to seek outside help would be silly because you should be able to deal with it on your own...point being that if he refuses and is not open to therapy I think it's pretty obvious you do not need this man.

    Old 03-31-2005, 11:47 AM   #10
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    Unhappy Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    veggigoddess, this man is a very important person in my life or else I wouldn't have married him!

    I do go to counseling, and my husband has gone with me more then a few times, so no he doesn't think it makes him less of a man. Lately our therapist has been on an "off" schedule and I haven't been able to see him. I may get to go sometime mid April.

    One thing I will say about my husband is that he is a very LIGHTHEARTED GUY, always smiling always is just this! This DRIVING thing.....he isn't a bad guy. I think the ones that said he feels slighted cause he doesn't know how to drive stick and I do, are probably right, but I have to find a way to talk to him about it with out making it out to be World War II

    Old 04-01-2005, 02:21 PM   #11
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    Niagara Falls, huh? I drive (my stick shift Explorer) there EVERY single night. I'm staying with family about thirteen miles away from the Falls. I'm leaving in two weeks, though. Too bad I can't meet your hubby. I'll teach him how to drive stick shift while we leave you to play slots in the casinos and put an end to this problem NOW. But off-board contact is not possible here. Oh, well, so much for that idea.

    I wrote out lots of suggestions for you earlier in the other thread. I told you lots of reasons WHY he is doing what he's doing. I told you to use go ahead and STROKE HIS MALE EGO in order to manipulate him into getting what you want. But you didn't do that -- instead, you did the WORST possible thing and let him get the better of you so you could have an argument.

    You will NEVER resolve this situation if you keep that up.

    It's hard to keep trying to support someone who won't listen to the advice she asks for!

    But for some reason I think you're a cool lady and it's worth one more try...

    I also found this post to be very interesting since I love driving and have done so much of it in my life. I found it so interesting, in fact, that I mentioned it to a friend of mine in casual conversation. She brought up something very interesting and a little bit off-beat, but I think he has a very valid point:

    A stick-shift is about as phallic a symbol as you can get. Here's hubby, sitting in the passenger seat, feeling less of a man because you drive standard FAR better than he does -- and all the while he's watching your hand grip that shifter-knob and manipulate it up and down through the gear box. You're "cheating" on him with the shifter knob! Not only that, but you are IN CONTROL and he is not. Furthermore... it's a CAR, for crying out loud. Men, by nature, want to be in control of the vehicles!

    YOU have the upper hand here because you KNOW all this. He doesn't even realize WHY he's doing what he's doing. Even if he has a slight CLUE, he's dismissing his own rationalizations and just being obnoxious (as is befitting of his personality as you have described it here -- "the big, lovable goofball").

    I TOLD YOU to have a talk with him. OFFER to LET HIM GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS. You ADMIT that he IS, in fact, BETTER with directions than you are. So GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR THAT. Even if he doesn't "deserve" it. If you give him credit for something he IS TRULY GOOD AT, and if you tell him you WANT his help -- you flatter him, you eliminate a topic of argument when you drive (HE is now in charge of directions -- he cannot blame you for taking a longer route or getting lost if HE is in charge and pointing the way), you give him something to think about as you drive, you keep his in-car dialog limited to WHERE you are going rather than HOW you drive.

    As for HOW you drive -- this is what you need to discuss with him. Just be honest and polite about it -- DO NOT FIGHT. Tell him what I said: you want to drive safely. You want to not be distracted. Tell him it is troublesome and upsetting to you to have so much criticism all the time when you are driving. Preface everything with: "I love you and... I want you to know that I feel..." DO NOT say: "I love you, BUT -- " and DO NOT say: "YOU MAKE ME FEEL..."

    The way you phrase it matters.

    You want to WIN this one, don't you? Sometimes winning involves humbling ourselves a little bit when the end-result is in our favor.

    Some of the gals out there seem to think that giving your husband ANY sort of praise is the wrong approach because he "doesn't deserve it" and he is showing bad behavior. In fact, he does NOT "deserve" it and he IS showing bad behavior. But if you want to END THIS -- you need to satisfy his fears and desires here. And you need to do it in such a way as to let him feel his is in control -- only YOU will know that YOU are the one manipulating him!

    It is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS better to find a suitable compromise in which EVERYONE gets what they want and need. Fighting NEVER allows this to happen. If you can concoct a method wherein you BOTH win -- then you BOTH WIN! What's better than that?

    Yes, yes... we ALL feel bad for you. We all think you are being treated unfairly. We sympathize. We empathize. If that is ALL you want -- you've already gotten that here. If you want to FIX this situation -- then you need to work at it.

    You have stated several times that you feel your hubby is a great guy EXCEPT for this. TELL HIM THAT. But do it cleverly. He feels like less of a man with you shifting gears and him in the passenger seat -- and consequently he doesn't know what to do about it so he does what most men do in that situation -- we act like idiots and we posture for attention.

    If you GIVE him the attention in a POSITIVE way, his bad behavior will decrease. It may not happen all at once so PATIENCE on your part is necessary.

    The attention you will give him is to tell him you WANT to accept directions from him. You can also praise him for whatever else he does that makes you happy.

    At the same time, he needs to be made aware that you aren't going to tolerate him tormenting you when you drive. Explain the FACTS of the situation to him. It is hard to refute FACTS. "Honey, in all other aspects of our life together, we get along great. I think you are a wonderful man. I get so upset when you mock my driving. I really wish you could think about that and make an effort for me to stop. You're right: you are better with directions than I am. So I promise to listen to your directions if you just tell me in advance and we talk about where we are going politely together. We both respect each other at other times, it shouldn't be any different in the car. Furthermore, I become even more nervous and distracted when you do this and I find it hard to pay attention so I am more likely to get lost or get in an accident and that is not something either of us want. It would be beneficial for both of us to come to an agreement about this and work at fixing the problem."

    That pretty much says it all. Not much to argue about there, is there?

    Unless, of course... you WANT to argue because you feel you are ENTITLED to do so.

    Sometimes we ARE entitled to feel slighted and hurt and to get angry. But more often than not, we get better results if we play the part of "the better person" and use our brains to get what we really want. It isn't always easy to be the injured party and yet make concessions to someone else. But when we KNOW why someone is acting like a buffoon and we can control it by changing our own behavior -- we have the advantage.

    You cannot force someone to change their behavior. You must change YOURS and seek results from THAT.

    We often say things like: "He makes me so mad." It is part of our culture to make these kinds of comments. The truth is, while other people can help facilitate emotions, only WE are responsible for how we feel. The more TRUER statement is: "His behavior is allowing me to lose control of myself and I'm making myself upset about it."

    Accept that -- do the right thing -- use the strategies outline here -- and you will ultimately win this battle. Ignore it -- and things won't change at all.

    My opinion here would be VERY different if you said that your hubby does this kind of stuff on a daily basis. But you seem adamant that you love his personality even though he is sometimes childish. It seems he is not a TRUE CREEP. Some of the replies here aren't taking this into consideration. The advice to blow up and fight more or refuse to drive with him isn't very wise. Refusing to drive with him would be a LAST resort if all else failed and he simply didn't respond to the more subtle and clever tactics I've tried to provide for you. Fighting is NEVER an option if you want to resolve something in your favor. Fighting will put him on the defensive even more -- and that is the problem! NOTE THAT! In the car, he is being DEFENSIVE because he is not in control. Fight with him -- you make that worse.

    He is probably hardly aware of WHY he is going what he's doing.

    Do not tell him that YOU know why.

    Just use it to your advantage and WIN this.

    And for the last time, I am NOT condoning his behavior. He's being ridiculous, ego-centric and rude. But since, as you claim, he ONLY acts this way in the car, then this behavior is FORGIVABLE.

    Now take these strategies and make them work for you. Alter as needed -- you know the man better than we do.

    Old 04-02-2005, 06:33 PM   #12
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    Re: Follow up to my post about my husband making mean remarks when I'm DRIVING

    The behavior isn't forgivable at all as it's hurting your feelings and that's just not okay at all. He maybe great in all other respects, but the way he treats you as a driver is completely inconsiderate, disrespectful, and way out of line. If he has such an issue w/ your driving then he needs to get off his butt and learn to drive a stick. Took me about 2 days to learn and I must say I'm a slow learner when it comes to that sorta stuff so if I can do it anyone can! Sounds like he needs to go to more then just a few therapy session w/ you in order to address how his remarks make you feel so maybe some light will shine on him and he'll knock it off!

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