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why do guys act like this after a break-up?

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Old 04-01-2005, 08:09 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 156
juicylicious HB User
why do guys act like this after a break-up?

among other things... (too twisted to mention here)

since our break-up i found out my ex-boyfriend has emailed every single girl he even remotely dated in the recent past telling them he has been thinking about them ... he actually even sent them all the same email, just changed the dear ___(fill in name here)___, i can stop thinking about you, etc, etc...

(please dont ask me how i found this out... it would lead to another thread...lets just say through the grapevine...)

my friends say it is a sign of him being desperate and missing me...( all of these girls he dated only casually, and there was really nothing there for him)
but if it is true, (i am not saying it is) then why doesnt he just phone me? (not that i want him too, really i dont, its just weird not talking to him... weird in a definately good way)... i know it doesnt really matter...its just funny because i realise the break-up was for the best and i am not totally crushed or anything, but i dont have any real desire to 're-connect' with any of my past boyfriends...

for the record...he technically broke up with me, then tried to reconcile, but by that time i had already moved out... and i am pretty sure he thought he would be able to get me back no matter what...(this scenario had played out several times, always with us getting back together)...after i moved, he tried to contact me, but i ignored him..

i know it doesnt really matter, i was just wondering if anyone had any insight into why men are like this (some of them, anyways)...

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Old 04-01-2005, 08:34 PM   #2
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miss_prolixity HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

Who here can really give you a definite answer? The only person who really knows is your ex b/f. If I were to assume his reasons, I might think it's an ego boost to write several ex g/f's and see if they reply back. He might want to see if he still has the "it" factor. You know, if they still desire him.

Anytime after a break up, usually the confidence and esteem falls to an all-time low (especially the dumpee's). Some people are in a desperate state to know if they're still attractive and have qualities and attributes that others might find appealing.

IMO, if he wanted you back, he wouldn't be seeking attention from other women (or ex's), he'd be pursuing you.

Last edited by miss_prolixity; 04-01-2005 at 08:36 PM.

Old 04-01-2005, 08:44 PM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2005
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juicylicious HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

i dont think he wants me back either....

Old 04-01-2005, 08:45 PM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2005
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juicylicious HB User
Thumbs up Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

and its healthy to hear that from other people....thanks.

Old 04-02-2005, 12:01 AM   #5
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TAH321 HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

Hey There Juicy...

It's obvious to me that your ex, always needs someone there by his side or to know that he can always have something lined up (total sign of weakness) emailing the girls, he is waiting for a response like, "I have been thinking about you too" or "I miss you too"! I guarantee since you left him, he has felt miserable, like a nobody and is just reaching out to the girls to make himself feel better. I be he regrets breaking up with you...b/c you said in your post that you 2 have broken up and gotten back together many of times. Your ex probably called things off, thinking it was just a "normal" break-up, but you honestly left this time and never came back! You said he tried contacting you after that, but your didnt to me it sounds like your ex cried wolf too many times...b/c this time you didn't come running back. He can't stand being alone...he has to feel wanted from somewhere, or he winds up being miserable.

I can totally relate to how you feel...b/c I went through the same thing with my ex. We dated for about a year and a half and after a while I called things off. Just like your relationship, we broke up probably every other week, then would get back together the next day. I was just drained and had enough...I couldn't take her baggage and arguing anymore...It was making me weak and sooo miserable. To her, she probably thought that it was a "normal" break up and I would be there the next day to resolve things...but I wasnt. Thats when she started reaching out to ex b/f's an ex guy friends (who she claims she disliked and didn't want to have anything to with them). She was weak and couldn't handle things on her own...she needed someone there to make her feel wanted and secure. I was devastated to say goodbye to her...we always saw a future in us. I did the mature thing though and took time to myself and found myself again...I didn't need to run to anyone else to heal my pain. Looking back now, it was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made...why constantly fight with someone and why break up every other week?! Thats not how relationships are suppose to be...your suppose to come closer together, not push eachother away. It was definitely not healthy.

It's been about 5 or 6 months since we broke up...and I still have to put up with her drama. She does things to get under my skin, even though I shouldnt let it bother me, but to some extent, it does (I see her out everywhere and she tries to make me jealous or cause drama). I just cant believe that someone I was with for a while could act in such a manner...that wasnt the real her, but now it seems like I never knew the real her! Just like your case here. I know it bothers you about what he is doing...and I guarantee, if you went back to him, you guys would be back together, but you have to be the stronger person and know that there is something better and healthier out there for you. The more you don't worry about what he is doing or up to, the more you come closer to finding what you need.

I hope this helped some...take care hun!

Last edited by TAH321; 04-02-2005 at 12:05 AM.

Old 04-02-2005, 01:15 AM   #6
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Posts: 1,137
Snails HB UserSnails HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

I think TAH gave you great advice, and I agree 100%. While I know your friends mean well, their comments are ultimately not good for you. Instead of giving you hope that your ex will magically realize what a blind, selfish, idiot he's been to let you go, they should be congratulating you on having the wisdom and strength to let him go when you did. I think your ex is definitely insecure and looking for any kind of reassurance he can find from anyone he thinks might still harbor lingering feelings of fondness for him. But more realistically, he's probably just trying to see if any of them respond and sound interested in hooking up--this sounds to me like an effort to find someone on the rebound. I think your friends are right that he's probably having a tough time dealing with the breakup and his resulting feelings of failure and rejection. I just don't think you should hope for him to come back (or want him if he did come crawling back and begging for another chance--you deserve so much better!!). Juicy, I'm really sorry that you're going through such a difficult, painful time because of this guy. It's pretty clear that he's too immature, selfish, and girl-crazy still to have any interest or potential to develop and sustain a serious, commited relationship. You will know the right guy for you when you find him because he'll be so blown away and completely in love with you that he won't have any interest in meeting up with exes or female strangers. In the meantime, please try to hang in there and focus on the bad memories and reasons why you're glad to be rid of him rather than the happy memories that will make you sad and keep you dwelling on the past rather than optimistically anticipating all the opportunities in your future . Good luck Juicy, but I have no doubt that you will make it just fine once you get over the hurt of ending your relationship .

Old 04-02-2005, 09:19 AM   #7
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 156
juicylicious HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

thanks so much TAH and Snails...

i know its worng for me to want to hope he regrets the break-up, and it shouldn't be my focus...i guess because the break-up was so final and life-altering i just have a lingering wish to know i had some impact on his life.

i know this guy was not the one for me, and 90% of the time i focus on that. my friends DO tell me every single day that i did the most amazing thing for myself and they are so proud of me because they know how controlling he was and how 'logistically' (to say the least) it was for me to end the relationship. i would never go back to him, in fact, we joke that eventually (after he does some more dating), i am going to be added to the cc of his 'i was thinking about you' emails once he experiences another break-up and needs to feel better about himself. eventhough he technically broke it off with me, i think i made the final decision and i dont think he has ever been broken up with before, in the sense that he didnt have someone to immediately to fall back on. however, its the remaining 10% of the time (and made more difficult as i am once again experiencing insomnia) that it angers me soo much that he has put all of this effort into on-line dating and reconnecting with past flings, and other strange activities when all it would have taken for us to be happy was for him to have a little bit of compassion in our relationship. so i think thats what's frustrating. i know the people he is meeting or emailing again are not the type of girl he would ever consider having a long-term relationship with, and that he would tell me that i was 99% (i have this habit of reducing things to percentages) of exactly what he was looking for but he just pushed so hard for me to change that 1% (ok, it was probably more like 5% hee hee) that he messed up everything else!
i think he is feeling desperate b/c i have searched these on-line sites for someone who matches my criteria and i am just not out there ... not saying there arent alot of very special individuals out there...(Snails) but he is looking for something so specific... anyways thanks so much you guys, you are so terrific, i couldn't have gone through this whole ordeal without all of your support. i feell so much stronger and more like the self i loved before i met him!

Old 04-02-2005, 04:01 PM   #8
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

I had a b/f like this. As soon as we slip he was on the road for another female. And he convienitently went back to his X. An X that he has gone back to several times now. He even went and married some girl he knew for about 2 weeks. Stayed married for a month or so then had it annuled (sp?) And guess whose back in his life??? That faithful X.

She doenst understand that he's not a one girl type of guy. And I guess she doesnt mind being the rebound this has been going on for over 3 years. He tells me all this stuff about her, he's cheated on her with me and several others and yet she stays w/him?

I've asked him why he keeps going back to her if 1. he doesnt like her and 2. he cheats on her anyway??? He said he cant decribe it, he just likes knowing he has someone?? Men can be so low.

Old 04-02-2005, 11:54 PM   #9
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juicylicious HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

in his emails (to other girls) he has been mentioning me more frequently...
i.e. my last girlfriend....blah blah blah... which is interesting as when he was online dating when we had just broke up, there was absolutely no mention of me, meaning he would actually mention his last last girlfriends... gosh, i know i have to stop looking for signs... i blame it on the reading of semiotic essays i have been doing for school .... did this episode in my life actually have any significance? i am beginning to feel like we were never even that close... so insstead of this regret, pain, longing...i am starting to feel indifferent, and it kind of scares me as i have this habit of completely negating past relationships once they are over and i want to feel like it wasn't pointless, but when i finally let go, i let go completely like it never existed...and i want to care... i think thats why i keep looking into things, to keep some semblance of feeling.... i know some people would really love to be able to just forget, but i honestly no longer remember what it was like to be with any of my past boyfriends and that is kind of bothersome.. i want to hold on to the memories of him... can someone tell me whats going on with me because it feels really strange....

Old 05-23-2011, 12:53 PM   #10
Join Date: May 2011
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naughtylangka HB User
Re: why do guys act like this after a break-up?

I have to admit, this is a difficult thing to answer and is very subjective.

I was in an intense 6 month relationship with a woman who basically mentally abused me. She would blame everything on clinical depression and then just act out. She would tell me things like old boyfriends are contacting her, she would gas light and avoid answering questions by trying to change the subject of the conversation. She always told me that everyone abandons her.

I haven't been abused like that in a relationship or anywhere else really so I had no idea what was going on. I wanted to help her, but that is something she had to help herself with.

I actually cared for her, but it was like watching a train wreck - horrible but you are just curious to see. She acted like a 5 year old with my family during the holidays and I broke up with her.

She begged to have me back and that she would work on her issues. But she just ended up leaving me after a month.

I was so upset I felt like I needed to do something. But I remembered that if I don't know what to do - to do nothing.

I did email her 3 times in a span of 3 months. I sent one text and called her twice. It wasn't to get back together per se, but to see what she was like to determine if that was worth it. She was just worse than I imagined.

I have to think that, given the type of relationship and how each person treats the other will determine how someone will act after a breakup.

For me, the woman I was with was begging me to move in with her, but snarling that same sentiment at me throughout the discussion. She begged me to quit my job and stay with her. I couldn't do it (what man would?) but I was polite. But in the same conversation she said that some people are just better than others and she knew a man with a house.

I brought her things to her mothers house and the ex called the police. Working in legal consulting I had sent her an email after the breakup stating that I wanted no contact with her, and that saved my behind.

I actually thought I loved this woman, but realize the psychology of the situation after the fact (better late than never). I did want what I couldn't have - but it worked out because after the breakup and then trying to contact the girl was not smart, I did have genuine feelings for her.

After getting my act together I have met a wonderful lady - but I am upset because I can't have a relationship with her. I am still upset about how I was treated by this other woman and you just can't put someone through that kind of hell (always thinking about someone - either positively or negatively is still thinking of someone else.)

It will get easier - but I try to remember these words:

Everyone is trying to escape their past, live in their present, and create their future - so have heart.

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