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    Old 04-06-2005, 08:11 AM   #1
    Worrytomuch
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    Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    Hi everyone…
    I posted not to long ago about how after a 4 month break-up, my boyfriend and I are back together. Well things are going great with us now and we are talking about marriage and getting a house together in the next year or two.
    Here’s the problem…
    While we were broken up, I moved into an apartment with a friend of mine who is going through a divorce. We signed a year long lease.
    That’s fine; I have no problem living there with her for the next year. I know she needs me right now and I myself have always wanted to live on my own for at least a little while before settling down and getting married (not to party, but just to grow up a little and learn how to take care of myself).
    I have known this friend for a very long time and she is like a sister to me. The problem is, when I got the apartment with her, I was broken up with my boyfriend and I didn’t think we would get back together. So of course I was doing anything I could to move on because I was very broken hearted. My friend was in the same boat since she’s going through a stage in her life where she really wants to go out and meet many people. She was married for a year and a half to a man she’s been with since the age of 15 therefore really has never experienced being young and going out. So we got this apartment down town, went out a lot, met new people…. It was great, but I never stopped loving my boyfriend. I wasn’t as into it as she was, and she knew it. I was really just going out to get my mind off of being sad and to be there for her.
    Now that my boyfriend and I are back together, of course I want to spend time with him. I am not being one of those girls who gets a boyfriend and forgets about her friends. I see her almost every night when I get home and I make it a point to go out with her at least once a week so she can still have someone to go out and meet people with (although its not the same). I stay up every night listening to her talk about herself and her problems and I do everything I can to make her feel better about her life.
    She has gotten very depressed since I’ve gotten back with my boyfriend. He lives in the suburbs and I live in the city and before this we were together for 3 years. I want to be able to go stay with him for a night once in a while. I want to be able to spend time with him alone once in a while. This is what we’re used to. But every time I make plans with him my friend gets all depressed and calls me throughout the night crying about what a looser she is because she’s all alone. The problem is, she has no other friends or at least it seems that way. I think she has become pretty co-dependant on me since we became roommates. It’s her fault she’s so alone… She had an affair and made it pretty obvious to everyone what she was doing but nobody wanted to get in the middle of her marriage so just ignored it. Needless to say, this caused a lot of our mutual friends to loose a little respect for her. Although we have a lot of other friends, nobody really goes out of there way for her…. Her own mother has even become very distant from her since the affair. I am LITERALLY the only one she has right now.
    My boyfriend and I do try to include her in our plans but at least once or twice a week we would like to have some alone time. Plus, throughout the last 2 months he has done so much for her (paying for her any time we all go out, buying us groceries, fixing things, buying things for the apartment)…. Never once has she even said thank you. She also has become quite the…ummm…. No nice way to put it but lets just say she brings men back to our apartment that I have never seen or heard about before on a regular bases.
    Because of this, my boyfriend is starting to not like her at all. He doesn’t feel good about strange men being in my apartment at night while I’m sleeping and I can’t say that I do either. I also have to admit that she has been very self-centered and unappreciative of everything that we have done for her over the last few months.
    She’s my best friend and I love her. I know that she is just going through a very destructive stage right now. I don’t like the way she’s acting all the time, but I also don’t know how to change it.
    I also feel extremely guilty constantly, like I’m letting her down. Here she thought that we were going to be living this “sex in the city” lifestyle and then I go back to my relationship and everything she thought it would be like has changed… (I have never been the “party girl” so I don’t think she should be so surprised by me not wanting to party with her every weekend anyway.)
    My question is, what do you guys think? Should I feel guilty? Did I lead her on (that sounds dumb, but that’s kind of how I feel)?
    But she knew all along that I always loved him and him me. She’s not looking out for my best interest by making it difficult for me to be with him. He is a very good man and our reasons for breaking up had only to do with his fear of commitment and marriage. Now he’s here and he’s totally committed to me and wants to marry me now if he could
    (I know its real, I feel it in my heart).
    If she’s a good friend, she should be happy for me right?
    I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do…. Do I just go along with my life, let her live hers and ignore her calls on the one or two nights a week I’m not with her?

    I want to be there for her, but I don’t want to risk my relationship with my boyfriend either. Relationships are hard work and I don’t see it working if we constantly have a 3rd person, who’s not even very nice lately to worry about all the time.
    But I’m worried about her too. She needs help, and I don’t know how to help her…

    What would you do????

    Thank you, and sorry this was so long and all over the place. There is so much more I could say….

     
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    Old 04-06-2005, 08:34 AM   #2
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    Worry....You do worry too much First off, I commend you on wanting to be out there living on your own and experiencing taking on your own responsibilities...that's something you should be proud of doing before settling down with someone.

    As far as your best friend goes....she's in an entire different place than you and sometimes when we are friends and living on different plains of life, we need to be understanding of that and learn to celebrate when things are good and to also share in one another's pain. So.....if your life has taken on one of happiness as your friend she needs to know how to celebrate despite how miserable hers may be. And at the same token you need to be understanding as her friend just how painful that may be. It's a respect for one anothers feelings. This does not mean that you are not entitled to be happy and must share in her misery. Continue to try to balance your happiness with your BF and be there for your GF. I suggest that you arrange just some time for you & your GF alone without the BF. This way you will avoid his developing bad feelings towards her whenever she puts a damper on your time with your BF. And make it your #1 priority to seek your happiness. Eventually your best friend will come around but it certainly shouldn't be at the expense of your happiness. Hope this helps...Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 04-06-2005 at 08:35 AM.

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 10:01 AM   #3
    Worrytomuch
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    Re: Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    Hi Goody! Thank you

    My friend has been taken care of her entire life. She's a spoiled brat to say the least. A lot of people question me on why I care about her so much... She really does come off as the type of person who cares about nobody but herself.
    I spend waaayyy more alone time with her than I do my boyfriend, the problem is that's not enough. She doesn't want to stay in and rent girly movies, or go out to dinner and a drink...etc. She wants to go to bars/clubs and meet men. She wants me to be someone I'm not...but, because I was a lot more like that person she wants me to be when we got a place together, I feel like I decieved her.

    Ok, you're right....I do worry to much! (lol)

    I'm just one of those people that cannot be happy if someone near me is not happy. I have always stressed myself out over what others think of me. Whatever I do, I feel like I'm dissapointing someone.... I find myself doing things I don't want to do all the time because I think I'll dissapoint someone if I don't. For example, my other friend asked me to go to a concert. I said no but she kept asking so finally I said yes... Well I just come to find out that these tickets are going to cost me almost $200 and I don't even like the band!!!! When things like this happen I know it's my fault, but I can't help to be sooo mad at the person who pressured me! She should have told me how expensive they are! Then again I should have asked...
    I want to try selling them now, but I know that will hurt her so looks like I'm stuck.
    I'm such a pushover!

    I guess I just need to find away to get a little tougher....
    You can't please everyone, right?

    Thanks again!
    At least I can vent here...

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 10:19 AM   #4
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    I know, Worry.....Goody is sorta like that too but I have gotten better. Overtime you will come to realize that when the mouth says yes but the heart is telling you no you should learn to listen to the heart because in the end all you're left feeling is resentful and unhappy. It took me a long time to realize that but once I did my worries decreased and I came to realize that you only should do what you know you can do without it taking away from yourself in the sense of physically and mentally draining you Doesn't mean that you have to be a selfish person, but you can be giving without it taking a toll on you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I think you will get the hang of it after you say no a few times and see that there are times you can without feeling guilty.

    Anyway....I think it's time you try to practice this and after a while your friend will see the boundaries you place on your friendship and will learn to either do things for herself or rely on others so that the entire burden is not placed on her best friend. Good luck with the tickets...and just out of curiosity what band is it for????.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 04-06-2005 at 10:21 AM.

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 10:34 AM   #5
    Worrytomuch
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    Re: Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    You're right Goody! She's a big girl and she needs to accept that there are times when she will just have to be alone... We've all been there!

    The band is Motley Crew (I don't even know if I spelled it right, that's how much I like them) haha

    Thanks again
    You said exactly what I was hoping to hear!

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 11:19 AM   #6
    Ninispjc
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    Re: Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    WTM, I went through almost the same thing when my best friend went through a divorce. We never lived together, and it her husband, not her, who did the cheating, in fact he became very verbally, then physically abusive and forced her to leave, then he kept the kids and moved his mistress in, and married her a few months later. This was just shy of their 10 year anniversary, and if they had made it to 10 years, she would have been entitled to some of his work benefits, but instead she walked away with literally nothing. She was hurting so badly, and I knew it, but I didn't realize just how badly she was hurting. She also became very self destructive, drinking a lot and sleeping around. I tried to be there for her as much as possible, but she would turn on me and get angry and frustrated with me if I didnt' drink with her, which I just don't do. I met someone and it was very hard for her. She couldn't really stand to be around my ex and me, and when we broke up and I was shattered, her only words about it were "oh, get over it!" This was the day after he left me. I tried to continue to be there for her the best way I knew how but she just didn't want me in her life anymore, and we broke contact. I think all you can do is love her as best you can and let her work through her pain. You may consider calling her mother and telling her what a hard time she's having and that she needs someone. I think right now she needs more than you can give her, and you shouldn't feel guilty or like you failed her. She may even need couseling. Divorce is hard, even when you initiate it or mess up your marriage. The suicide rate is much higher among divorced people than it is among single and married people. Ultimately her life is in her own hands, and she needs to find a way to pull it together. If she can't, it certainly isn't for lack of your trying. Make it clear to her that you love her like a sister, but your relationship with your man needs to be nurtured and tended to as well. I'll pray for her and you, and good luck to you.

     
    Old 04-06-2005, 11:48 AM   #7
    Worrytomuch
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    Re: Best Friend vs Boyfriend

    Thanks Ninispjc,
    I hate knowing that she feels so lonely but at the same time I just wish she would get a life! Its to the point where if she does bring some looser home that I know only wants one thing from her, I don't even say anything because that's one night that she is occupied and I don't have to be responsible for her entertainment....
    I now understand the truth behind what everyone says....
    "The fastest way to loose a friend is to live with one"
    I have faith that our friendship is strong enough to last, but its getting very difficult to keep defending her the way I have been....

    Thanks for sharing your story!

     
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