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    Old 04-11-2005, 03:38 PM   #1
    marcen
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    angry stage

    I have been coping ok these past two weeks but I am having a horrible day today...my ex has been calling once a week like he said he would, and I have been keeping the conversation upbeat,friendly. We haven't talked about the relationship at all, except for once when I asked him if he was being honest with me about us not being over and just needing some time and space. He told me he was and I could believe him or not. However, when I mentioned that I had been accepted into a program here in this province and he asked me if I was going to accept, I said well I wasn't sure, I didn't want to come back if we were not together. He said he wasn't committing himself to anything, that that was the whole point of time and space...ok so that is fine. But then today his mother called me and told me all about all the people he has hired for his new company this summer, his sister and some friends. I feel so hurt by this because we always used to talk about our dreams and how he would have his business. I always supported him and helped him out whenever I could, he always said he would give me a summer job etc etc in between university so I could pay my bills. Now here I sit struggling to make ends meet and he is just tossing me aside. It hurts so much to know that he wants all these other people to be a part of it and not me after everything. I can understand him helping his sister, and I can understand him wanting to keep his business life separate from our relationship. I just don't know how to handle this...part of me thinks I should ask him why he is treating me like this, what i have done to deserve it, and the other part of me thinks I should just pretend I don't care and not say anything. I want answers...I want to ask him whether I have just been a warm body all these months. I don't want to keep talking to him if he is just trying to make himself feel less guilty or make it look like he still cares somewhat. My father said that if I loved him like I say I do I would give him the time he says he wants and talk with him if thats what he says he wants and let him figure things out, and time would tell if he is being genuine or not. I thought I could do that but I think I am going through the angry phase and it is making it really hard. FOr any of you who have been through this...how long does it take to get to the point where you just don't care anymore?

     
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    Old 04-11-2005, 03:50 PM   #2
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: angry stage

    You refer to him as your "ex".
    But it sounds like your feelings for him haven't changed at all.
    I personally have NEVER been able to be "just friends" with someone I love.

    If you have broken up with him I would suggest that you make it total. No e-mail, texting, phones calls etc.
    Sometimes you love someone to much to go backwards in a relationship like you are trying to do...

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 04:07 PM   #3
    marcen
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    Re: angry stage

    He broke up with me for the third time. I initiated it this time I guess you could say, by telling him that I felt he needed to figure things out. I never ever wanted to give up on us, and I only got to the point I did out of total frusturation and because he was constantly saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. He is the one who suggested we talk once a week because "he wanted to get back to a point where things are natural between us again". So I have been doing that, but it seems like he is always rubbing being single in my face, or making comments that suggest to me that he doesn't have any intention of getting back together. I can't help the fact that I still love him, but I have accepted that he doesn't love me at this point. I think he feels guilty so tries to talk to me on one hand and be my friend, and on the other hand resents me for some reason. That is what hurts me the most. I read a book about passive aggressive men the other day, and he fits the description to a t. The author said that these type of men are attracted to women who nurture them and care for them and are very emotionally available and then reject them for the very same qualities. It seems like this is true in my case, but I don't understnad why that would be.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 04:47 PM   #4
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: angry stage

    You're either:

    Together and working on it

    or

    You break up totally, take the love that you feel, put it in a mental knapsack, sling it on your back and continue on down the road towards the rest of your life.

    If you're dating and you need time apart like this, how do you expect the two of you to deal with the turbulant times that ANY marriage has to survive?

    It still boils down to:

    All, or nothing.


    Last edited by Ruth6:11; 04-11-2005 at 04:49 PM.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 04:57 PM   #5
    marcen
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    Re: angry stage

    Yes, I agree with you. I know I am fighting a losing battle here. I have done everything I can to make it work and it hasn't because he hasn't wanted it to for a very long time. Maybe he thinks I will always be here waiting, or maybe he just doesn't care at all...it is more a battle with myself now to face reality and accept the fact that I have been confusing sex with love all this time. I am so used to him being mad at me/wondering if he will call again and I still find myself thinking that when he calls, feeling like I need to know where I stand with him. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 05:00 PM   #6
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    Re: angry stage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by julia_girl
    I thought I could do that but I think I am going through the angry phase and it is making it really hard. FOr any of you who have been through this...how long does it take to get to the point where you just don't care anymore?
    Julia....Ruth offers some wonderful advice. In terms of the anger, it is perfectly normal in your transition through the grieving process. They often say that losing someone in a relationship is often like losing someone when they die. You will go through the same phases.....denial, anger, and finally acceptance. How quickly one goes through this process is highly individual but to me it looks as if you are progressing in the right order. So, don't be too concerned over your anger. It is perfectly normal to feel this way when everything in your world seems to have been turned upside down. Be good to yourself and when you finally move forward in your life either by meeting somebody else or focusing on your new independence, the acceptance will finally fall into place....Goody

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 07:32 PM   #7
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    Re: angry stage

    Trust me Julia, it's a lot better, for both your own and the potential future relationship's sake to NOT stay friends with the guy who is so wishy-washy about it. I've done both: stayed friends with my ex-fiance for about a year after our break up. It only served as a safety-net for him while he was dating another girl. As soon as he got into a more committed stage with that woman, our "friendship" was over and I haven't heard from him again. He actually ended up marrying that woman.

    Now, my last ex-boyfriend also wanted to be "friends" with me but I made it clear to him that I am NOT his friend and I will never be. Now, a year later, he is calling again and taking me out to dinners. Of course, I am nowhere close to knowing what will come out of it, but at least it's a lot better than being perceived as some platonic creature when you two were once passionate about each other. To me, it would be living a lie. My friend also told her boyfriend when he was breaking up with her that she would never ever be his "friend." End of story. Two months later the guy came running back and they have now been together for over two years post break-up.

    Maybe not every story is the same, but I think that for some reason, guys seem to miss and appreciate what they lost more if it's completely taken away from them. I mean, completely. It's extremely hard and it's a painful experience, but being in a situation where you are considered not good enough to be his girlfriend but good enough to be a buddy is humiliating to any woman. Personally, I feel like if he doesn't find me "hot" enough to be his girlfriend, then I'm not going to take the second-class citizen's position and be his beer-buddy either. A little respect is in order. It will also help you get over him faster and think with a clearer head than if you were constantly in contact with him. Just my suggestions learned the hard way. Hope you make the right decision.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 04-11-2005 at 07:44 PM.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 10:52 PM   #8
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    Re: angry stage

    Well said, Sophia I would have to say that the point where I no longer "care" comes when I am emotionally exhausted. I am pig headed and tough, so I can take a ton of abuse when it comes to jobs and men. (And when I'm in denial, it's really ugly!!!)

    Finally though, there comes a point where I am just SICK and tired of feeling bad. At this point, I can honestly move on with no more sentiment.

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 04:06 AM   #9
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    Re: angry stage

    Ruth and Sophia both gave very wonderful and wise advice. Thank you guys so much--I can't tell you how much it has helped me personally and undoubtedly others as well .

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 05:00 AM   #10
    Stillhope1
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    Re: angry stage

    I am a guy take my advice. Let him go. He is just keeping you on standby. He is telling the truth. You are not over, you are only over till he needs or wants you again.

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 05:58 AM   #11
    marcen
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    Re: angry stage

    Ok I do believe Stillhope and Sophia's advice about cutting it off completely is right. My ex and I were fighting about whether or not I was going to come and live with him/near him for a few months before starting school again and he really didn't want me to (said that he wasn't ready and didn't want to have someone wanting to take time away from his company). I think he is partly waiting to see what I do with myself instead now and hoping I will go back to school sooner, anything to avoid having to take that next step. So my question is...I am moving home for 3 months across the country, and may or may not be coming back to this province. so I won't be seeing him anyway, and I never call him but I do talk to him if he calls. Is it still better to tell him I can't be his friend and tell him to stop calling if that is all he wants, or should I just leave and see what he does? He is essentially losing me completely already, so I don't know whether or not to bring the subject of us up again. I guess i am just scared to tell him not to call in case he loses all contact with me when I move again...opinions?

    Last edited by julia_girl; 04-12-2005 at 05:59 AM.

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 07:02 AM   #12
    ana_27
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    Re: angry stage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Maybe not every story is the same, but I think that for some reason, guys seem to miss and appreciate what they lost more if it's completely taken away from them. I mean, completely. It's extremely hard and it's a painful experience, but being in a situation where you are considered not good enough to be his girlfriend but good enough to be a buddy is humiliating to any woman. Personally, I feel like if he doesn't find me "hot" enough to be his girlfriend, then I'm not going to take the second-class citizen's position and be his beer-buddy either. A little respect is in order. It will also help you get over him faster and think with a clearer head than if you were constantly in contact with him. Just my suggestions learned the hard way. Hope you make the right decision.

    I couldn't agree with Sophia more. My fiance and I went on a "break" about a year ago because he didn't feel he was "ready to committ" or be in a relationship in general.. blah blah blah. We went back and forth for close to three months with me trying to convince him what a great thing we had, what he would be missing out on, how he could never find someone that would love him more. We didn't see each other for this entire time because he would always back out at the last minute. So after about 2 months I started dating, met someone, told him about it and basically gave him an ultimatum that if he doesn't want to be with me now, it will never happen because I'm moving on. That's what it took to get him to see the light. Now its' a year later and we are happy and engaged. I fully believe if I hadn't told him that I've had enough and from this moment forward it's over unless he acts immediately, we wouldn't be together today.

    I think you should stop all contact, start dating again and try to move on. If it's meant to happen it'll happen but you can't live your life waiting for him. I know how hard it is but you simply need to let him go for now. I think there's hope but if you push him and pressure him, you will only drive him away. It's a classic case. Good luck. I really hope it works out for you!

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 07:34 AM   #13
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: angry stage

    You say that you're scared to tell him not to call in case he loses all contact with you when you move again.

    Sooner or later there will be a point where you decide whether he is in - or out - of your life.
    There's no point in telling him that you can't be "Just Friends" if you aren't ready to break off all contact with him.

    If you try it now, and he senses any of your feelings about not letting go, he will continue doing what he's been doing - and you'll be left hanging on that emotional rope.

    Figure out what you really want from him.
    Ask yourself if he's the man you can really get them from.
    If he isn't, think about breaking up and NOT looking back...

    Try doing some writing about how you feel. A journal of sorts. Maybe you'll get a better feel about how the you deep inside really feels.
    Ambivalence is fine, but not if you have meeting the Right Guy any time soon in mind!

     
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