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    Old 04-14-2005, 04:42 AM   #1
    tiggie
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    My bf is too affectionate with others

    I feel my bf is too affectionate with other women. I'm unfortunately quite insecure and jealous by nature and this doesn't sit well with me. He likes to be almost like a knight in shining armour to other women. He'll do things like buy a little pressie for the stranger who made a good speech ( giving her a whopping big kiss and hug at the same time, while sneaking the present into her hands).
    He'll stroke someone's hair if he's feeling particularly warm towards someone, he'll pay his female work colleague a visit at hospital ( after a female operation) and buy her flowers, separate from the "work' ones. He's "led" 2 other females on before getting involved with me. Both times he said he was just being "nice and friendly", and they both thought he was interested in them and were very upset when he wasn't. I've tried saying that maybe others may misread his intentions and he says that's their problem not his.
    I don't doubt he loves me. He tells me often and is very good to me but he's very good to every other female as well.
    He's told me he won't stop being a loving, caring attentive guy, but I worry that he has no boundaries and will get carried away in his moments of affection for somebody else. I know that his female work partner has feelings for him ( he told me and I've sensed her jealousy of me)
    Am I being silly?
    Thanks

     
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    Old 04-14-2005, 05:26 AM   #2
    kdes
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    Hi

    I dont think you are being silly. You just on guard and thats good. Maybe try and speak to him about this, tell him what you are feeling. In a relationship one should be able to talk about anything. This kind of thing gets to anyone. If you dont see any bad signs then you should be fine. Try not worry to much. But at the same time keep a eye open for any signs.

    I wish you the best!

     
    Old 04-14-2005, 06:04 AM   #3
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    My exhusband was like this ( it's not why we divorced). It was because he came from a very affectionate family and he was taught to treat women like godesses. It's a good thing. For me, I decided to buck-up and realize it was my own insecurity issue. Afterall, he was treating me like a queen too! Yes, sometimes I would get tired of his women coworkers going on and on at the Christmas party about what a WONDERFUL and CARING husband I had. Sure, they didn't know him behind closed doors. MANY times a female coworker would develop a crush on him because he would aways compliment them and shower them with kindness. The main thing that kept me from getting jealous is he always talked about me to other people. He'd tell them what a wonderful, beautiful wife he had , etc. I think this was important in balancing things for me.
    If your bf has lead women to confusion on his attention before, and he did eventually have to set them straight, it is obvious his kindness is sincerely platonic. My advice is try not to get jealous. Try to become friends with all of his friends and coworkers so they know you are a strong part of his life.
    I actually became bestfriends with one of my ex's coworkers that had a mad crush on him for a while. Before I knew her, she would call him all the time ( she was going through a divorce at the time). He would stay after work to talk, or help her move. I could of got jealous, but I decided to invite her over for dinner instead. We hit it off right away and we are still very good friends eventhough my marriage ended eventually.

     
    Old 04-14-2005, 06:09 AM   #4
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    I think that you have a choice!

    You can accept that you are jealous & insecure and may never be able to change that. And you accept that your boyfriend is an ultra-friendly guy.
    If there is trust you can learn to deal with it (NOT by discussing over and over with him by the way - come here and discuss it!)

    or

    You can decide that this is going to be impossible to deal with over time because we all know we can never change another person's behavior. Only they can do that. It comes down to imagining living with 50 yrs of his brand of being friendly.

    Only you know yourself well enough to know if you can deal with this - if you can't, it doesn't mean you don't love him, just that he's not the right guy for a lifetime...

     
    Old 04-14-2005, 12:03 PM   #5
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    First, if I may say, being so "kind" to women that they think he's romantically interested then when their hearts get broken he says that's their problem, not his, that doesn't sound particularly nice to me. It actually sounds sort of heartless and selfish. Plus, if he behaves this way with the wrong woman in the wrong situation, he could leave himselft open to a sexual harrassment lawsuit. I know if a guy at work kissed me and stroked my hair uninvited, and I were not romantically interested in him, I'd think he was putting moves on me and I would take some sort of measure to make it stop. That is inappropriate behavior in most work environments.

    It's a shame he doesn't seem willing to take these things into consideration, so in that case, I think Ruth's right. Your only choice is to decide if you can tolerate being in a relationship with a guy like this for life.

     
    Old 04-14-2005, 08:51 PM   #6
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    Im not even going to read the other replys until I post. He has no business buying these other womens gifts, stroking their hair or doing any form of touching!!!

    I have been with my b/f for a year and a 1/2 now and I could NEVER imagine him doing such things for other women!!

    I'd tell him flat out that he's really kicking ya when your down, and let him know how it makes you feel. Tell him he can be spending that money on gifts and flowers for you. Not getting fresh and giving false hopes to other women. That'd make me worry more then anything.

     
    Old 04-14-2005, 09:43 PM   #7
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    I would have to agree with Prianna on this one. He is crossing a thin line between being a friendly, people-person and being flirtatious. He may not mean to be flirty, but he is obviously comming off that way if it makes you uncomfortable and he is leading others on. He is refusing to change, but that's a selfish move. He should be a little more open-minded to your suggestions if he loves you. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but he should be a little bit more considerate and concious of what he's doing.

     
    Old 04-15-2005, 03:44 AM   #8
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    Well said Ruth and Nini. It will become his problem when a either woman stalks him (or you) or a jealous husband or boyfriend comes looking for him. Then he will mature and understand. As for the gifts, that"s a little much.
    I think the real issue is he likes being the center of attention (getting seperate flowers). He"s not really interested in anyone.

     
    Old 04-15-2005, 12:01 PM   #9
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    If you have a problem with your boyfriends type of behavior then that's as far as it needs to go. He needs to stop doing all this extra stuff with other women. He claims he loves you, so he should be dedicated to only making you happy. Make you presence and feelings known before it leads to other things I know you may not want in your life. Take it from me, I'm a guy and it is not normal to do stuff like this for the opposite sex and "claim" you're not interested in them especially since he is in a relationship with you. Talk to him SOON

     
    Old 04-15-2005, 02:54 PM   #10
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    Your bf has definitely crossed the line. He has no boundries. The bottom line is if he doesn't see it as an issue, then you should probably make a choice to accept it or not accept it and move on. Most likely he will not change unless he thinks it's important enough. I would not tolerate this behavior...he's obviously doing this for a reason.

    Maybe he is the one who is so insecure, always trying to be accepted by other women. Did you ever think of that?

     
    Old 04-15-2005, 03:10 PM   #11
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    I'm not sure on this one. Maybe I'm not reading as far into this as so many others are.
    Forgive me for saying so, but with all the mean, abusive people in the world today, I'll take too affectionate over too cold.
    Maybe that's why people have stopped being nice- they get slammed when doing so.
    Some people are just affectionate people. (And I wouldn't mind some of them coming into my life)

     
    Old 04-15-2005, 04:28 PM   #12
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    I know you wouldnt mind having someone affectionate lisa, who wouldnt right? But I think for the poster she has a b/f that is very affectionate, but unfortunately he is sharing that affection with other women.

    I personally dont share my boyfriend so i'd be ticked if he started doing that stuff to me.

     
    Old 04-16-2005, 02:41 AM   #13
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    I would love an affectionate man, but not if he was sharing that with every woman he came across. His boundaries are definitely a little blurry. Brushing someone's hair, well to me that is quite intimate. So no, I don't think you are over reacting too much.

    Kick his *** into gear, or kick him to the curb. I agree that it could be a problem with his own self esteem and he wants to lead ladies on to make himself feel better by their attention.

    Explain how you feel. Explain how sometimes (not all the time) he is crossing the line. He must be made aware of these boundaries. I'm sure he wouldn't like you pawing other men, stroking their muscly arms, running your fingers through their hair... right? If he can't accept it, maybe it's time for you to move on... and leave this guy to his flirting ways.

    Good luck!!
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    Old 04-16-2005, 03:03 AM   #14
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    I actually dated a guy like this back in school. He was a well-known affectionate flirt and I (mistakenly) thought that by becoming his girlfriend that would change and he would focus all of this affectionate energy onto me. He just carried on like he didn't have a gf. He would cuddle, flirt, make suggestive comments, etc to other girls. I wasn't so much jealous as I was annoyed. ALL of the girls would give ME flithy looks and make catty comments because they were jealous. He was leading them on with his behaviour. I think that's what is happening with your bf. He doesn't need to be stroking some other girl's hair and giving out cuddles just because he's an "affectionate" guy. A person can be an affectionate, caring friend without having to touch/stroke other people. How would he like it if you were like this with other men? Would he like it if you bought pressies for other men, stroked their hair and gave out cuddles "just because"??

    You need to sit down with your bf and explain to him how his behaviour is affecting you. Really get your point across without becoming angry..just try to remain calm. If he's not going to change you'll have to either learn to accept his behaviour or move on. In my case I moved on. I said enough to the catty remarks and evil stares of the other girls! I found a guy who gave his affection to me and only me!

    Take care. x

     
    Old 04-16-2005, 03:08 AM   #15
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    Re: My bf is too affectionate with others

    Exactly tigger_girl... you can be an affectionate person without molesting every person you run into. I class myself as affectionate, but I don't go around touching people's hair, cuddling everyone... I like to think that I'm a bit more selective...
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