It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Spotting an Abusive Man

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 04-26-2005, 10:02 AM   #1
    greeneyes100
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 1,773
    greeneyes100 HB User
    Spotting an Abusive Man

    Yes, I am starting this thread to give some advice that I have learned over the years on how to spot an abusive man right away. One thing I've learned is they are overly critical and often put you down in small ways that are very hard to read at first. They may do this in a joking way, but consider this a "red flag."

    Men who don't feel good about themselves will put other people down just to build up their own sense of false self worth. Especially women haters. Women haters tend to have a deep rooted fear of women, especially any kind of emotional intimacy with a woman.

    Also, they tend to get jealous very easily and want to know where you are EVERY MINUTE. They anger easily and tend to "blow up" over small things.

    Abusive men have very low self esteem, so look for this. A confident man who believes in himself usually has a healthy love of women in general. I have to go to lunch now, but will try to think of more things later. If anyone else has any suggestions, please post!!!

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 04-26-2005, 10:18 AM   #2
    Music4All
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Music4All's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 900
    Music4All HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    You make some very astute observations that others can learn from.

    Unfortunately, I find that most women do not have much of a problem identifying men with red flag personalites. Women that choose abusive men have their own problems that serve to support their bad decisions and rationalizations for staying with thes men. I don't think most women cannot see the traits, they excuse them.

    A bad guy is not hard to find, but for many women, having a bad guy as a partner is better than having no guy for a partner.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 11:16 AM   #3
    greeneyes100
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 1,773
    greeneyes100 HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Sometimes their qualities are hard to recognize in the beginning; they are always on the their best behavior. You are obviously a man. I appreciate your advice, but the post was meant to observe immediately (before we get attached) these types of men.

    Yes, if a woman STAYS with this type of man, she does have a problem. I agree with that point of view.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 11:25 AM   #4
    Music4All
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Music4All's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 900
    Music4All HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by greeneyes100
    You are obviously a man.
    ?

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 11:39 AM   #5
    write
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    write's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 266
    write HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    I'm a man. I'll say that right from jump street. You make good points but I have came in contact with many men that don't share these qualities and still are abusive. I have seen men beat their women not because they are jealous or think they are not attractive themselves, but just because they can. A person getting angry about "small things" differs in opinions between different people. What you might consider small someone might consider it big. I don't think that's a fair judgement. I have found out that by observing people in general that you don't know their capabilities of harming you in any sense until you have fallen in love with them. Most people don't show their true colors until they have been in a relationship for a long time.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 12:00 PM   #6
    greeneyes100
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 1,773
    greeneyes100 HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by write
    I'm a man. I'll say that right from jump street. You make good points but I have came in contact with many men that don't share these qualities and still are abusive. I have seen men beat their women not because they are jealous or think they are not attractive themselves, but just because they can. A person getting angry about "small things" differs in opinions between different people. What you might consider small someone might consider it big. I don't think that's a fair judgement. I have found out that by observing people in general that you don't know their capabilities of harming you in any sense until you have fallen in love with them. Most people don't show their true colors until they have been in a relationship for a long time.
    I quite agree with you. Actually, another poster wanted me to start this thread, so I did. I thought it might be an interesting topic. There are certain qualities about a man's behavior, I personally believe, that you can spot in the very beginning of a relationship that point to abusiveness. One of them is being overly critical. This is just my personal opinion. I believe a lot of abusive men have serious anger problems and don't know how to deal with their anger so they take it out on their partner, and it can be either physical or mental.

    As far as the other poster, I just assumed you were a man, no harm intended.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 02:00 PM   #7
    BLUE EYED LADY
    Veteran
     
    BLUE EYED LADY's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 391
    BLUE EYED LADY HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Green Eyes,
    Thank you for starting this thread. When I read that you had been involved in several abusive relationships, I knew you could help others from experiencing the same nightmare.
    I have personally known several women that have been involved in some type of abusive relationship with a man.
    Abuse does not discriminate. It is found in all walks of life, in all types of socio-economic status and is more common than most people would ever like to think. There is a great deal of shame involved and as a result, most women keep it a secret. Intelligent men often know how to hide it well, until they have swept the woman off their feet. They are often initially very romantic and the woman thinks she has found her dream man.
    I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive home. My father was often very loving and affectionate, however when he got angry, he was like a different person. His face became red and he yelled and screamed like a maniac at my mother and his children. He was sometimes physically abusive to the children, more so with the 2 youngest children, I later found out when I was grown. He is now deceased.
    One of my sister's married a policeman that turned out to be emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The abuse worsened over the years until she finally had the courage to leave. The reason she stayed for so long is because she was so afraid of losing her children. He always told her he would take the girls away if she left and that is exactly what he did. He physically removed them from the house and she did not get them back until she finally went to court. He lied in court, never left a bruise that anyone saw, and because he was a policeman knew exactly how to play the system to his advantage. (Their story could have been made into a lifetime movie.) My sister has gone through hell and back, and this ....... comes across smelling like a rose in court. She has been divorced from him for about 7 years, however he still to this day, makes up stories or uses any disagreement over the children to bring her back to court, just to harass her.
    I only met him once or twice before she married him because we lived in different towns. The biggest red flags now that we look back is that he tried to get serious very quickly. They were engaged within 6 or 9 months and then he moved the wedding up at the last minute telling her they should get married right away since our grandparents were visiting from out of state, etc, etc. Sure enough, within the first year of marriage he moved her across the country away from her family and friends to move near his mom who he has a very strange relationship with. He was a mama's boy.!! (Isolating the woman is a COMMON trait of abusive men.)
    I have heard somewhere, that 1 out of like 3 women have been in an abusive relationship. It is much more common than anyone would ever think.
    I married a man that had a temper. I had no idea when I was dating him. He never lost his temper once. After we got married, it surfaced almost immediately. He yelled and screamed whenever he got angry, usually over ridiculous things. I came to find out, that my husband was abused verbally, physically and sexually as a child. He had never dealt with his anger over his painful childhood, and as a result would yell and scream at me when he was mad. Most of the time he was sweet and romantic and I was always taken off guard when he got like that. It was like always walking on eggshells. I finally went to my pastor for help and he sent us to a wonderful Christian counselor who helped my husband realize where the anger was coming from and because my husband wanted to change, he did. He has become a different man and with God's help he has had tremendous healing. I believe our story however is the EXCEPTION to the rule. Most abusive men do not change.
    I also have had 2 friends that were in abusive relationships and have worked with women that were in abusive relationships.
    Because of personal experience, I feel I have more knowledge than most people about this issue.
    For any single women reading this board, if you begin dating someone that is jealous, possessive, controlling, or has a short fuse --run away as fast as you can. These are usually traits of an abusive man. No matter how charming and romantic he seems, your life will be nothing but painful if you stay with him. Also, it is usually not a good sign if a guy tries to rush the relationship, and IT IS A BIG RED FLAG if he tries to isolate you from your family and/or friends. These men often begin the process of isolating you by making negative comments about your family and friends. They make it clear that they want you to keep your distance and you start feeling like you have to choose between them and him. A BIG WARNING SIGN!!!!
    When you date someone, find out about their childhood and their family relationships, including their parents' relationship. Most men that are abusive, grew up in an abusive home. If you date someone that puts you down, run the other way as well.
    Love should feel wonderful and should not be hurtful.
    Remember a healthy relationship is one in which 2 emotionally healthy individuals come together. Each person needs to be free to spend time with friends and family and enjoy hobbies on their own at times. It is not healthy to be with someone that wants you to spend all your time with them. Never, ever think you can change someone. If something bothers you about the other person before you get married, it will usually get even worse after you are married. Remember, the person is putting their BEST foot foward while they are dating you.
    I hope this thread prevents at least 1 person from becoming involved in an abusive relationship. If is does, it will have served its purpose.

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 04-27-2005 at 12:43 PM.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 02:34 PM   #8
    greeneyes100
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 1,773
    greeneyes100 HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Great post Blueeyedlady! So true. I also read somewhere that another reason some women choose to stay with these men is because they really have no place to go but the streets. Also, a lot of these women really deeply love these men and stay, hoping they will change eventually (which usually doesn't happen). By that time, their self esteem is really low and they begin to believe they deserve to be treated poorly.

    I was extremely close to my father as a child and adolescent and he had an anger and drinking problem. Most of the time, he was loving and very attentive, but there were times when he would lose all control and was very abusive. So I grew up with this example and I think I subconsciously was picking this type of man because it was the type of man I was used to. Finally, after all these years, I realized the pattern I kept repeating of picking the wrong men over and over. Also, my father left my Mohter when I was 11 years old, which left me with fear of abandonment also. I would subconsciously pick men who were emotionally unavailable, easily angered and/or had some type of drug or alcohol problem. This reinforced the subconscious belief I had of men in general.

    Anyway, after being involving in several of these relationships, I have gradually built my self esteem level back up and continue to work on it.

    I'm not saying all my relationships have been this way. Actually, I was engaged at a very young age to a man who truly loved me and was kind and sweet. I think the reason I didn't feel fireworks for him was partly because I was looking for someone like my father. I then entered into several relationships with emotionally unavailable men who wouldn't commit.

    I've really learned a lot from my past relationships and hope to find a man who is worthy of my mettle someday soon--I'm working at that too!!!

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 04:42 PM   #9
    Ruby13
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Ruby13's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 275
    Ruby13 HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    What a great thread! In trying to get out of my last relationship, I found it super helpful to read about signs and people's experiences with abuse. I'll share my experiences in case it helps someone else.

    I haven't been in a physically abusive relationship, but the last 2 relationships I was in definitely had abusive features. What these two had in common were that they both put me on a pedestal very early and were very intense in the attention they paid me. It's hard to resist having someone tell you you're unique and special and amazing. To a certain extent when you first start dating someone they should have these feelings about you. What I ignored was that the way they talked about me didn't really sound like me. And they were demanding of my time, persuading me to drop everything to spend time with them. I definitely felt a little overwhelmed, but I was happy because they were telling me things I wanted to hear. This kind of adoration made it all the more devastating and painful when they started criticizing me, putting me down, having temper tantrums, letting me know they see and can attract other women. It left me feeling like I would do anything to get things back the way they were when I was so happy.

    I don't feel like it's fair to say women stay in abusive relationships for one reason or another. It's an incredibly complicated situation. I had been in a very good, very supportive relationship for a long time prior to meeting these two guys. I've never been considered a dependent or needy person. I didn't have low self-esteem when I got into them. I had reason to believe they would be good matches for me. They were both energetic, well-edcucated, funny guys who worked in careers to help others, great with kids. Neither one drank a drop of alcohol, ever touched drugs. Basic do-gooders that were popular and well-liked.

    The thing is, once I got comfortable, they started letting me know in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that I wasn't measuring up to their expectations. When I asked them what they were getting at or if they wanted to break up, they just said they were stressed and didn't mean it, or I just needed to change a few things. When it got worse and I thought about leaving, they would turn on the charm or beg me not to. Once I was drawn in, it was really difficult to get myself out. The first guy broke up with me, thank God. The second one I had to lean on a lot of support, including here, to get up the nerve to break up with him, in part because I was afraid of his reaction and in part because he'd convinced me I was nothing special (ironically) and I was afraid I'd be alone if not for him (that's never been the case for me, but after months of hearing how clumsy I was, how this or that body part needed work, how great other women were, etc. it was hard to feel confident).

    I'm really quite happy now. I hope anyone who reads this because they think they're in a bad relationship hears that just because you get into one--or several--doesn't mean you'll always be in abusive relationships. I was so happy on my own after I left the last guy. I'm happy now dating someone new who respects my time and shows sincere interest in getting to know me as a person. I'm confident that if it doesn't work out with him, I'll still be happy in the long run. Good friends, good counseling, and resources like this place truly help.

    Sorry this is so long! It's an important topic to me. Hopefully someone will find it helpful.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 09:07 PM   #10
    leslie0784
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    leslie0784's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 43
    leslie0784 HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    It's a great thing to read this! It's nice knowing I'm not alone. I neevr thought I'd be in an abusive relationship. Well I was in a very abusive relation with my ex fiance. It started when I was a senior in high school. He was everything you described and it started with the classic signs of an abusive man. While I was popular before I met him soon I wasn't allowed to talk to any of my friends. He chose all my clothes and then called me degrading names. I wasn't allowed to talk to my family. The list goes on and on. I've been out of it for two years and have a wonderful new fiance who has been very understanding but I still feel like some of things that my ex said are true. I feel like I'm going crazy. He said them so much that I believe them. How do you believe the good thing people say including therapists when your instinct is to belittle yourself just because it was a way of life? Any advice on how to move past it would be life saving! Thanks

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 09:50 PM   #11
    cattieos
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    cattieos's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 1,463
    cattieos HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    When I was 17 I met this guy, who I thought was the greatest guy in the world, he wrote me poems (they weren't good, but still) brought me flowers all this really nice stuff, before we started dating. So, we finally went out, he was 19 by the way. And for the first couple of months, he was great, I thouhgt. Now that I look back I realize he was already starting his plan. I didnt' have bad self esteem, I knew I was attractive and that I could have lots of other boyfriends, and I knew at this point that if I left him I wouldnt be alone for long, so that wasn't it at first. But he started in saying thigns about my friends and how they didnt' really like me, they just used me because I had a car and a pool, which wasnt' true, but when you hear stuff enough eventually you belive it. He told me he loved me after we had been dating about two weeks, at which point, we also slept together for the first time, (yeah really dumb, I know!). Anyway, the longer we were together the worse he got, he never put down my appearance, he knew how vain I was and that I knew I was good-looking, but what he did was put down my personality, because he knew that I had often doubted that guys actually liked me as a person, instead of a hot girl. So, it started to work, and i began to think that I was only good for sex. I lost all confidence in myself as a person. And even though I didnt' like having sex with him, I did cause otherwise he would leave me, i thought. And I dont' really know why, at that point I didnt want him to leave me. A little while later he started alienating me from my family, which wasnt' easy cause my family is very close, but eventually he did, the worst thing was that in front of my friends and family he was wonderful to me, adn they all kept saying what a great guy he was. His abuse was mostly mental, the phsyical wasn't what most would consider abuse, what he would do would be like, start play fighting, and then he would be hurtingme, like holding me down, or somethng, and I would ask him to stop, even cryuing cause he was hurting me, and he wouldn't. The sexual abuse was the same way, we would start, and it would hurt or something and i would beg him to stop, crying and screaming, and he wouldn't. Anyway, we dated for almost a year, during which time he cheated on me, which I didnt' know about. Anyway, eventually I began wanting to leave him, but he would threaten me, I even had to not go on my graduation trip cause he threatened me, if I went. So, finally he broke up with me, go figure. So, I immediately found a new guy, and that gave me the courage to NOT take him back. This was almost 10 years ago, and I still get hang up calls from him, even though he has moved across the country, and I heard recently from a cousin of his and he has my picture plastered all over his room.
    Then not even a year later, I got into almost the exact same situaation again, this one was a little more abusive, he choked me once, and when we broke up he hung out the window with a shotgun. Yeah, great guy, huh?
    But the common thread I noticed with both of them was, that in the beggining they were super nice and romantic, and actually over romantic the whole time, the relationships moved WAY to fast, they both were jealous, they both were cowards (in my experince, a man who will hit a woman, will rarely hit a man) they were both mama's boys (i mean seriously, like Odepius complex kind of thing, although I didnt' know it to begin with), they were both insecure about themselves, although that wasnt' as obvious at the time, that I picked up on in hindsight, and they both were critical of everyone, not just me.
    I found that the emotional abuse was the worse, the bruises on the outside healed, it took a lot of time to heal the inside.
    I went through alot of failed relationships, usually self-destrucing becaue I coulnd't get it into my head that these men liked me for ME not just for my body, even though soem of them never even attempted to have sex with me, I was convinced noone could like me for any other reason. I finally met this guy, who even though he was rather goofy, was extremely good to me, and he knew the story and he ws very patient and all that, and I finally got it through my head, after a lot of work, that he was right, that I was a worthy person. After he and I broke up I ruined one more relationship with my thoughts, and then it hit me, just like a ton of bricks, that I was letting the past color the present and I was never ever gonna get anywhere. So when I gave that up, I managed to make a relationship work, with my DH, we have been married 4 years, together almost 6 and are having a baby in June!
    THere isn't an easy solution for getting over it, but you have to realize that not every man is like that, and that the ones that are are just stupid, and nothing they say is worth a penny, that if you do not get over it you will never have a successful relationship, and you have to, and this is the hardest part, convince yourself that you are worthy of love. The best way to do that is just keep telling yoursefl that, you will believe it eventually!

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 10:17 PM   #12
    LoveLife88
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    LoveLife88's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Location: Georgetown, Ontario Canada
    Posts: 32
    LoveLife88 HB User
    Red face Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Hello everyone.

    Hey BLUE EYED LADY. That first post you made was excellent.

    I have not yet had time to read all posts but will in the next few days, because I true-ly believe that Too many relationships are abusive and women also are abusive (towards their men and children).

    What I have learned recently is that it is a CYCLE and MUST be broken. That is what I feel I did when I got my x-husband out of the house in June 2001.

    To break this cycle of abuse so that my child (son) did not become abusive like those before him.

    Take care all and remember. NOT only is MONEY POWER. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER TOO.


     
    Old 04-26-2005, 10:18 PM   #13
    cattieos
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    cattieos's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 1,463
    cattieos HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    I guess the how old question was for me, I am 27 soon to be 28. If you got through an abusive relationship you have a lot more strength than you think. People seem to think that women who stay with men like that are weak, but that isn't true.
    Just keep the faith, and keep praying, somewhere there is a good man for you.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 10:22 PM   #14
    leslie0784
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    leslie0784's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Posts: 43
    leslie0784 HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    Cattieos
    You could be describing my ex! He too was a mamma's boy and yet he had a very destructive relation with her. In a way I wish he would have concentrated on just hitting me instead of all the emotional and verbal abuse. Inside it's much harder to heal. Just curious but is anyone on anti-deppressants? I've been on Effexor for about three months and I don't know if it's coincidence or just time healing but I've noticed that I don't dwell on it as much as I used to. One other thing, I went to counseling for a few months but stopped because it was too hard. Has anyone found counseling to be helpful in getting over this? I'm thinking of giving it another chance. Thanks for the responses notthisprincess and cattieos

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 06:28 AM   #15
    vintagegirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    vintagegirl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 667
    vintagegirl HB User
    Re: Spotting an Abusive Man

    All very true... But there is one other kind of abuse not mentioned besides verbal and physical, and that's withholding, or "calculation." Yes, there are both men and women out there who are this sick. It's not that they WANT to leave the person, (they don't), but they enjoy toying with the person like a cat does a mouse. I'm sad to say I dated one of these people. I couldn't believe at first that he could be so twisted, but on some level I still knew he was. I told him hey, if you're not interested, that's cool, I'm out of here...but he would protest every time how very much he was...then pull the same stuff all over again. I started paying very close attention to the little things he said...and started being all the more careful what I said. He was very perceptive, and little did I know that early on, I'd given him all the information he needed to make me miserable. Ex: I liked to be emailed back in a timely manner. Don't we all? I liked to get together more often than we were. So basically, he wouldn't email back in a normal amount of time (like weeks) and let me make all the plans for us. He sat back and enjoyed. Finally, I cut out on him cold turkey and he was incredulous. But he never bothered to patch it up either. It took awhile for me to figure it all out....he came on so strong, great with the words, more attentive than any guy I'd ever met b-4 when we were together. Anyway.

    My dad (for the time he was around), was much the same. One day he was all eyes for you, the next, you were his whipping girl, both verbally and physically. I have never had a great self esteem but am always working on it.

    Girls, I chose my current bf for the VERY REASON that he was the exact opposite of everyone I'd ever dated. Granted, there isn't a lot of drama there...but don't mistake drama for passion. It's a different connection with him, one that takes getting used to with an open mind. This relationship does not feed the reward centers of my brain with the same flashing-light-pay-off-ding-ding-ding that I would get when I won a match of wills with one of my ex's----but at some point in life, you have to decide: how HARD do you want your life to be? It's hard enough without having someone CRAZY in it.

    Last edited by vintagegirl; 04-27-2005 at 09:35 AM.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Spotting between periods, really scared, please help! Reneeh13 Women's Health 6 02-03-2010 11:30 AM
    verbally and emotionally abusive parent? anxiety27 Relationship Health 25 01-03-2008 08:52 PM
    Spotting/bleeding between periods amethyst1 Women's Health 1 09-19-2007 06:50 PM
    Spotting and semi-irregular cycles QuienEst Women's Health 1 06-08-2007 12:46 AM
    Abusive boyfriend snazzy-girl Teen Health 40 01-16-2006 08:41 PM
    Spotting, Spotting & More Spotting Iamgoingcrazy Menopause 0 06-07-2005 01:31 PM
    Spotting and cyst Kaye2003 Women's Health 2 03-07-2005 02:41 PM
    Could he be abusive, or am I just paranoid? Missing-Me Relationship Health 19 11-29-2004 04:12 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:24 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!