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    Old 04-26-2005, 04:13 PM   #1
    boxgirl73
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    Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    ok.....yes...I'm the one who posted another thread regarding a lunch with an ex...and yes, i'm married, and yes, i'm the one who did not tell my husband about this lunch, and yes, i feel like and have felt like i'm falling out of love with my husband for about a year now (married for 5-together for 11), and yes....most importantly, i'm trying to work on my marriage and rekindling that spark that i once had for my husband.

    anyone else out there that's shared this experience? if so, how long were you married, what happened and what helped? what was the long-term outcome? i want to stay married to my husband..he is my best friend...he's just become lazy on thing such as romance..very important to me and something that is very important to a marriage or a long-term relationship...can't keep a fire burning without some help...

    i've discussed this with my husband -not the lunch with my ex-(see post "Is this Wrong of Me?") but the fact that i may be falling out of love with him..of course that was the last thing i ever expected telling him (nobody ever wants to say that to their husband or wife and their best friend). but, he had to know...i was at a breaking point a couple of months ago-realizing the truth behind my feelings.....things weren't the way i expected and didn't want this marriage to continue like this. in the meantime, i was in contact with my ex....he has feeligns for me still and i discovered i had feelings for him...we rehashed memories and discovered that we both have what we're looking for in a relationship now that we're in our early 30's (it's amazing how you change from when you're 25 to when you're 30-would never get married at 25 again.....too young in my book). it was tough to realize that i had these feelings for someone that i left (my feelings towards my ex seemed to remind me of how i was feeling towards my husband-a loss of something). i hoped i didn't marry the wrong guy and hoped that i didn't pass up something good in my ex 10 years ago...it was the classic What If? syndrome and i worry that i could be doing that with my husband now....passing somehting good up and worry that i'll look back and see this same pattern.

    SO...with the help a few good people here on the board-Blue Eyed and Heartland, I came to the realization that I need to figure out what i want.....but to do this, i needed to step away from my ex completely...i knew this part all along, it was just tough to accept. so...after the forbidden lunch, we had one more email and that was it...haven't talked to him for days. i'm getting over him slowly and tyring to focus on myself and my husband. I purchased a book by Dr. Phil called Relationship Rescue...got wonderful user reviews from *********** and did my research...thought this was the book for my husband and I to read...Blue eyed will be reading along with me so we can discuss. There is also another book called the Truth about Love...a book that reflects the different stages that love goes thru..t.he highs and lows..all normal in a relationship. Blue eyed also gave me advice on dating my husband....he needs to plan more...he's veyr easy going-almost to a fault-i want him to take charge more of doing romantic things for me (for US) so taht i can regain the sparks for him.

    Anyway.....i'd value any personal experiences (particulary from married couples) on how you keep your love alive!

    Thanks for reading.

     
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    Old 04-26-2005, 04:36 PM   #2
    heartlandguy
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Boxgirl, can you give us a little more information about your situation so we can address specific details? For startersÖ

    Will your husband answer questions for us? (directly or through you)
    What do you see as your major problems with your marriage?
    What does your husband see as his major problems with your marriage?

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 04:44 PM   #3
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    what my main concern with our marriage is that we don't treat each other like we're husband and wife...i can picture us as brother and sister...we're very close..can talk about almost anything, but there's no chemistry anymore for me...he wants more sex, but i don't have any desire at all! i'm only 31! depressing in itself! to be honest, everything else is just fine...we laugh everyday together, we don't argue, we agree with each most of the time...

    i can ask him the questions....he won't go on this site..he's not one to sit at a computer and discuss personal issues..that's why i got hte dr. phil book to read and the workbook to go thru together...the workbook will open us up to answering questions just like yours.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 05:08 PM   #4
    edved2001
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    boxgirl73,
    I think it's great that you told your husband your true feelings about your marriage, and it sounds like you are making an honest effort to salvage your marriage, and I applaud you for that.

    I know you're finding this out, but you must be careful in always letting yourself wonder if you've taken the right direction in life. I, like you was married at 25(I believe it's to young as well) and was married for 6 years, with her for 10. She fell out of love with me and ended up having an affair with our sons Cub Scout den leader. She's now been married to him for 3 years. My ex and I actually have a great relationship right now. We respect one another and we're very cordial. Recently, we've spoken about our failed marriage and what happened. Her affair was very out of character for her. She found herself questioning, like yourself, if she made the right choices in life. Like you, the romance was pretty rare and we just grew apart. We really didn't have much in common. She met a man who she thought was who she wanted me to be. She felt that she was always busy worrying about our kids and me, that she never spent time thinking of herself. So, when this other man came into the picture, she felt that she deserved to be selfish and she was blind to the fact that she was hurting a lot of people. That's why I applaud your effort to repair your marriage before doing anything hasty.
    That being said... she's only been married to her "perfect mate" for 3 years and she's falling into the exact same problems that we were having. She totally regrets what she did to me and "will never forgive herself for not trying harder to salvage our marriage". See, what i'm getting at here is that she always felt that there was much more to life than what she was living. The reality is... there isn't. This is life. It's pretty ordinary. It can be boring, even grueling at times, but if you think that Mr. Beverly Hills is the gateway to an extremely fulfilling, romantic, undying lust for life; i'm afraid you're mistaken. If you find yourself always wondering, fantasizing, wishing for something better, the best part of your life may pass you by without finding what you believe exists out there, and you may spend the end of your life full of regrets. Just try to remember why you married your husband, i'm sure he still holds many of the qualities that he did when you fell in love with him. It never hurts to try improving aspects of your marriage, but please don't fall victim to "fantasy".
    I'm just sharing my personal experience and some of my beliefs with you. Treat this as you may.
    I wish you and your husband the best of luck and hope you truly do find what it is you're looking for.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 05:12 PM   #5
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    beautifully written....sounds like your ex is going thru exactly what i don't want to be....wondering what if with my husband...already did that with my ex...don't want him to be ex #2 and in the same boat.

    thank you edved...

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 05:29 PM   #6
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Boxgirl, there are two threads (neither is very long ) on these boards that describe your situation. The husband originated them. The first thread describes their problem. The second thread describes the changes in their marriage.

    If you are interested in reading one, cut-and-paste the URL (web address) into your browserís address bar. Don't include the [url] or the [/url].

    [url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=200212[/url]

    [url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=209489[/url]

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 04-26-2005 at 05:32 PM.

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 06:55 PM   #7
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    that's probably it! we are best friends and what you stated in the first thread you copied, was exactly it.....the fact that we have lost the husband wife relationship and dropped it down to the level of best friends....we need to be both...i agree and have always thought that we treat each other like friends as opposed to a married, in love couple. i also agree with the fact that my sex drive could be low (even though i'm so young) due to our "friend" issue but also due to any time he kisses me, it's always because he wants sex...we never kiss like we used to...just pecks hello or goodbye...have brought this up to him but nothing changes...UNLESS he wants sex....

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 07:48 PM   #8
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    What is a best friend... someone we dump all our mental garbage on? Often we say too much of the wrong thing to our spouses and that can sour a relationship. Some friustrations are better aired to a different friend rather than their spouse. Could a female friend(s) serve as your "best friend"? Give that some serious consideration. (BTW, this was discussed a bit in the Goody2shuz marriage thread.)

     
    Old 04-26-2005, 08:07 PM   #9
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Been Married 12 years now, rather happy actually, we still love each other dearly, but things change as we grow.

    IF I have learnt anything over the years is love changes. It waxes and wanes, it peaks and it shakes sometimes, and sometimes its as solid as a rock and other times to be almost as transparent as smoke and you wonder if you still are in it at all.

    The worst thing we can ever do is try to reason with our heart, Its not really the thinking organ. At any time it will give you differnt answers, if you just got a pile of red roses unexpectedly you might think possitive of your husband when you tried to read what your heart said. But if you tried to read your heart after he forgot to take out the trash again for the tenth time, well, he wouldn't do so good. Emotions can be fickle, Don't get caught in that trap.

    True love endures such things... Marrage is a bunch of things, people seem to only remember lust and longing for some reason..

    Marrage is...

    Trust..
    Acceptance...
    Comfort..
    Humor..
    understanding..
    respect..
    Lust..
    longing..

    And a host of other things, people seem to think if they find Lust and Longing getting a bit stale, then they are no longer in love. I have seen some really good marrages shatter because they fooled themselves into thinking Lust and Longing is where it is at. To me that's just to get you interested, but its the top 6 that keep you happily married and in love.

    If you are happy with each others company and laugh together, and find comfort with each other, then your still in love, don't blow it by tricking yourself by thinking with your heart instead of your head.

    My two pennies, hope it helped

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 07:07 AM   #10
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    good to hear...we do enjoy each other....it's just i thought we'd still have that spark (or i would-it's me that doesn't seem to have it) still after 10 years of being together...i did, until this site, think that if the spark wasn't there, that i must be falling out of love.....

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 07:45 AM   #11
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Iím sure that Daveís perspective applies to lots of people. Some people seem to get to a certain age and then discover that romance and sex arenít essential for a decent relationship. Personally, I couldnít be in that kind of a relationship without becoming extremely frustrated because Iíve experienced no noticeable drop-off in those needs. Everyone is different in this regard.

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 08:01 AM   #12
    tenagain
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    I find your post(s) very interesting and insightful for myself actually.

    I'm not sure I have any wisdom to share with you, but I feel as though I am going through the same type of thing, other than I haven't had contact with any ex's...

    I've been married for 8 (almost 9 years) and for the last 2 I have felt as though the relationship has changed from husband/wife to "friends"....not sure why, just that it has. My husband has become less romantic and this year I graduated at age 40 with a Bachelors degree...something I was very proud of. I got no card, no gift, no celebratory dinner...nada. I also got nothing for Valentines day. I feel very unappreciated. There is no passion and no chemistry and I'm not sure how to get it back. Furthermore I get the feeling that he doesn't want it back.

    I'm at a place where I know that something needs to be done but I'm paralysed. I need to talk to him, but I don't know where to start. He knows I'm angry about graduation and valentines...but it's really about so much more than that.

    They say that you can't change your spouse...but what do you do when they change on you? When we first got together the things that I loved about him was his desire to travel and do fun and spontaneuous things together. Now he no longer has the desire to do any of those things...it's not depression, it's just that he's changed...

    Enough about me...I admire that you were able to talk to him about your feelings and after reading your post I realize I need to do the same.

    I would caution you about the contact with your ex though as that may cloud your perspective on your husband. I know that for me I am at such a vulnerable place that any attention from a man would pull me farther away from my husband right now....

    Hang in there...hopefully soon our marriages will be stronger than ever!

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 08:19 AM   #13
    boxgirl73
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    hi tenagain...feel like this is so much more common that i had ever realized...the feelings that you and i both have towards our male mates....sad in a way that things like this happen.

    my first advice, as i've been given throughout my first thread-which you should look at on this board called Is this WRong of Me-you'll find many pieces of advice-good advice-to get things back to the way they were..also you'll find out that there are highs and lows in love...something i knew existed but didn't realize that stages such as these come and go throughout a loving couple's life. Talk to your husband about how you feel without yelling or acting mad....he'll be very offended by this and feel like you're nagging...isn't it funny how gentle we have to be with men He has to know how you're feeling..especially since it's been bothering you for 2 long years. He needs to step it up...can't take you for granted. No card on Vday or no celebration for your wonderful success in graduating college is, in my book and i'm sure in many others out there, UNACCEPTABLE! We have to realize that our partners are our best friends..we should be able to tell them anything....(don't want to sound like a hypocrite since i didn't tell mine about the EX lunch) but we should be able to communicate with them our feelings. I told my hus about the possible loss of love...hated doing it but it was eating me up inside, plus i knew that if i told him and he still didn't try to do anything, it was time to leave...that would be a wake up call. So...some suggestions to me have been going on a date night once a week...whether you feel like it or not...it's good to get out and get out of the routine of just sitting around the house and watching tv. Find a babysitter IF you have kids. Maybe couples therapy or read a book on love......and marriage. I'm reading the Dr. Phil book called Relationship Rescue...my hus is willing to read it as well. THere's also a book called The Truth about Love and another called Fighting for your Marriage...all good ones, so i've researched on ***********, for us to read and learn from.

    Get it out in the open....that's the first step.

    We'll work on this together. Hopefully, we'll gain the love and spark we had when we first fell for our men.

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 10:04 AM   #14
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Hello My Cyber Buddy,
    I am so happy you decided to start the new thread I suggested. These type of posts are what you need now. I hope all the posters that are married and going through difficulties( like lost romance) do read through your other post.
    Boxgirl, as you know, I believe all couples go through periods in their marriages where they feel like they are "not in love". The problem is when the feeling persists, because then it is time that couples MUST take action.
    When we first meet our spouses and begin dating them, it is filled with excitement, butterflies, and the longing to be near them and touch them. What most people do not realize when they get married is that it takes regular, consistent effort on the part of both spouses to make a marriage last. It is essential that each spouse continue to show each other affection (in non sexual ways as well men!!!!).
    A women's sexual drive is turned on mostly through regular displays of affection, respect, and romance. I would relate a woman's sex drive to that of a "crockpot", it requires a constant slow simmering to make it boil!!!! I would relate a man's sex drive to that of a microwave. It does not take much to get them going!!!!!
    It is important for couples to go on regular date nights on a weekly basis to continue to foster their relationship as couples and lovers. It is also ESSENTIAL that each spouse treat each other with respect, kindness, consideration, and regular non-sexual affection the rest of the days as well. Treat each other like you did when you were dating, (flirting, dress nice, and do unexpected nice things for each other). When a guy treats his wife well, and does these things, the majority of the time it wll result in them becoming lovers again, as well as friends. I promise, you will get the urge again. It does come back!!!! Have fun on your brunch date this weekend, wear something sexy and ask hubby to wear something that you like on him!
    When children come along, it takes even more of an effort to make it a priority in our lives,(due to decreased time and energy, as well as financial and child care issues), so I encourage you and your hubby to get your relationship back on track again before starting a family.
    Remember, anything worthwhile in life takes work, but the rewards will far exceed the effort it takes.
    I have not received my books as yet. I am anxious to get them. How are you enjoying the book so far? What did hubby say about it?
    Talk to you soon.

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 04-27-2005 at 10:09 AM.

     
    Old 04-27-2005, 10:39 AM   #15
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    Re: Saving My Marriage-Married Couples Input Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tenagain
    I'm at a place where I know that something needs to be done but I'm paralysed. I need to talk to him, but I don't know where to start. He knows I'm angry about graduation and valentines...but it's really about so much more than that.
    Tenagain, I agree that expressing your feelings to your husband is an important thing to do. However, men do not internaize feelings as women do. Men internalize clearly articulated needs (needs are not feelings) and men internalize actions towards meeting those needs. In other words, your husbansd is far more likely to respond to what you want if he understands what you need and what he is to do to satisfy that need. Expressing a feeling and hoping he can translale that feling in to something actioanable is probably not a good strategy.

     
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