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    Old 04-26-2005, 09:11 PM   #1
    MIpigpen
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    Black-balled from my husband's family

    I have been married for 5 years. Two sons-4 year old and a 14 month old. My mother and step-dad live 3 hours away. My father died, but had lived a little over 3 hours from us. His mom lives 45 min away, his brother and family live 45 min away and his father and step mother live an hour away.

    His mother has always ridiculed me in some way. To fat when prego, should not work, mothering not right, should take better care of her son- my mother gets the insults as well. Whatever.

    Too long of a story, but when I found her dragging my 3 year old (just turned 3!) into the bathroom and telling him he will never us a diaper again...I had to lay down the law. He was crying and when he saw me, he begged me to help him.

    She will not speak to me. She willonly come over if I am gone, she waits for my husband to leave the room and makes nasty comments.

    By the way, gave my work bonus to her because she has no money.


    Now I am the bad guy. If I go out on a Sat with the girls, my husband takes the kids up to his brothers and his mom comes over. They have little parties without me whenever they can.

    I have been nothing but nice to them! They are more than ready to take my football tickets and basketball tickets that I can get for almost front row..but do not include me in anything!

    Worse yet...my husband takes part in this. My family opens their arms to my husband. They are the only "family" that gives him hugs and praise.

    I have had it. I guess I'm not a part of this. Help!!

     
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    Old 04-26-2005, 10:07 PM   #2
    cattieos
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    Ah, the joys of in-laws! My MIL isn't as bad as yours, but her mother, we call her evil grandma is the exact same way! MIL is pretty bad though, DH and I have been livign here for 5 years and she has been to see us (only about 40 minutes away) about 5 times.
    She doesnt' do anything for us, excpet not pay her bills and send them to us, in DHs name so that we have to pay them. And give us crap for Xmas. They don't include either of us in anything. Not just me, although more me than him. Occasionally they will ask him to stuff but not me. Evil Grandma however always leaves me out of everything!!!! She even called me fat at my bridal shower, tried to get me to sign a pre-nup (which was so stupid, cause I was the one with money!) she didnt' even speak to me at my baby shower, just basically teh same kind of stuff you are talkign about. And now SIL is getting married, adn even though I am havign their first grandchild in June, they are so wrapped up in this wedding they can't even be bothered with the baby. SIL is mad because DH can't be at all her stuff because of the baby, wedding is three weeks after baby is due, well she picked the date after she knew about the baby. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone.
    i am not sure there is anything you can do about it. I don't really mind not be included cause my in-laws are so freaking stupid! But it does hurt me that they exclude DH and so obviously favor SIL, my parents are super great to us, and my grandma is the only real grandparent he has ever had. Which makes me sad for him.
    So, tell her to her face that she will never speak to your children again like that, tell DH to do the same. As for him participating in this, he shouldn't be, but like my DH he probably just doesn't want to rock the boat. And as for them not including you in anything, just be glad you don't have to deal with their idiocy! I know it hurts your feelings, but serioulsy, unless you can get DH to stand up to them, and unless she is still being mean to your children, it will be alot easier to just ignore the whole thing. I mean, I look at it like this, if my husband was telling me how much he disliked my Mom, no matter how awful she actally was, I would get defensive, however I would stand up to my Mom, but my DH isn't a very agressive guy, so I can see why they dont' really say anything.
    And, quit being nice to them, dont' give her anymore money, don't give her tickets to anything, don't go to her house. That is what I have done, for a long time I refused to go anywhere evil grandma was. I finally started going and just ignoring her, adn when she would make smart mouth comments to me, I would jstu make them right back. Which normally, I would never speak to an elder that way, but in my opinion she does not deserve my respect. Nor does your MIL deserve yours. But it's alittle stickier there because in this case noone even MIL likes evil grandma, I am just hte only one with guts enough to stand up to her.
    However your husband does like his Mom, so if you say mean things to her it's going ot hurt him. So, basically what I am saying, I hope it made sense, is just ignore her.
    I am sorry that she is so awful to you though. Maybe you can bring it up to DH gradually. But if she is mean to the kids again, then go after her with everythign you've got! I already told my DH if MIL wouldnt respect the way we chose to raise our kids or was mean to them, that he better get out of my way!
    good luck!

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 12:15 AM   #3
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    comic sans ms

    I feel frustrated for you!but b4 I say anything that might hurt you ,*HUGS*..what the hell is wrong with your husband taking part in the torcher that his mother has been putting you through?!You need to talk to him and let him know how this is making you feel and if he cant feel for you, screw him!You dont need that kind of treatment from anyone and most certainly not from the the man that promised to be there for you and take care of you on your wedding day!!!Maybe he forgot that he married you and not his mother!She has no right telling you that you're not doing your job as a mom or a wife because she cant even do her job as to minding her own damn business!Keep a head up high and remember that you're the boss and not the inlaw.Dont let her take control of your lives because you know whats good for you and your family.well,hope i was able to help.Good luck!

    Last edited by tough_luv; 05-04-2005 at 12:17 AM.

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 05:07 AM   #4
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    I agree that your husband needs to stand up for you a bit more. It's understandable that he doesn't want to rock the boat but his loyalty needs to stand with you as well. I can tell you right now that this behaviour wouldn't fly with my husband. He'd defend me in a heartbeat. Family is important yes but everybody needs to realize that YOU are part of his family now too. Have you sat down with your husband and told him how all of this makes you feel? Maybe he just doesn't see what's going on.

    The next time you get a work bonus I wouldn't give it to her. Why should you when all she does is torture you? In her eyes you're a poor wife and mother yet good enough for her to take your bonus money? Please!

    Good luck!

     
    Old 05-09-2005, 09:53 PM   #5
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    Cattieos, toughluv and tiger girl...

    Oops, wish I would have read all of your great comments sooner!

    Yet another big party while I was out of town for the weekend. I guess they had planned it days before and I could not reach my husband and children for over 4 hours!!! Gee, I did find some nice pictures on our camera.

    The next week I found other pictures....picutres hubby had taken while I was out of the house and I guess things got out of control with a 30 year-old naked girl who liked to "perform" for OUR camera. My hubby learned what the zoom lens was for!

    I was distroyed and just could not beleive it! After my phone call to him (you can imagine!), I had a slip of judgement and called her to give her the good news. She never gets the story straight and I told her I had pictures if she once again did not beleive me.

    Not one of my better moves! So.....more advise please?

     
    Old 05-10-2005, 09:35 AM   #6
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    Could you be a little more clear about what happpened? Is the 30 yr old a family member? Who did you call to give "the good news" to? The 30 yr old? Your husband's mother?

    My thoughts to follow!

     
    Old 05-10-2005, 05:45 PM   #7
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    I was just going to say b4 i read your post about find the naked women pics on your camera.

    I get the feeling that your husband has something against you or doesnt "like" you so to speak. Not if he's plotting this crap with his mom to throw parties when your not around. And not be there and support you like he's suppose to. And given the nature of the response from you MIL I have a feeling she knows about this other women already. I'd confront hubby about it or check w/you MIL. I doubt she'd be honest, but my guess is she knows!

    Was she always this way? Was she always against you? Even before you two were married? How about your husband did he use to stick up for you, or was he always a mama's boy?

    First off she has no right telling you how YOU raise YOUR kids. It's up to you on how you want to handle the potty training. Not her. Your the mother. She has already raised her kids she doesnt need to raise yours and currupt their minds.

    Second you husband, If he cheated on you and you called his mother (like i think you were trying to say) and she didnt believe you, i'd hike over there with the camera and say "take a lot mom, are these the kinds of parties you guys have when im not home?" Maybe you don thave to be as nasty and I mentioned since it may only make matters worse, but my guess is she wont believe it. She is probably one of them women that thinks all of her children are saints.

    Third, what did hubby say about the pics? Did he admit to cheating or having a "lady friend" over. I would suggest some family counsiling if you still want to be w/you husband. Meaning you, hubby and MIL. She has no reason to be treating you in this fashion, Your the mother of HER grandchildren for cripe sake!

    I'd really think things through here w/your husband. Like I said at the beginning I had a feeling he had something against you or may no "like" you. And here you find pics of another women. Decide if this is really worth it.

    I'd sit your childish husband down and tell him it's your way or no way from now on. If he wants this marriage to work then cousiling is the ticket. And his mom has to attend w/you. Because right now your marriage seems to be on the rocks.

    Last edited by Piranna65; 05-10-2005 at 05:47 PM.

     
    Old 05-10-2005, 11:21 PM   #8
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    I am a bit confused by it too, but if he left the pics on the camera like that, then it sounds like he wanted you to find them. Personally, with all the other junk you are going through with him, I wouldnt tolerate it, that would be it for me. But, you are the one who has to decide if you want to put the effort into attempting to save your marriage. The first thing you have to find out is WHY he did that.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 03:20 AM   #9
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    To me it sounds like your husband needs to move back in with his mother because it seems he'd rather be there than in the family home with his wife and kids. Who was the 30 year old woman on the camera? His mistress? Whoever she is he wanted you to see the pictures. Men who are trying to hide affairs or bad behaviour don't just leave evidence laying around for the wife to find. What kind of party was this at his mother's house?

    You need to ask yourself if this is a marriage worth saving. To me it sounds like "mom" has a lot of influence and control over him and is poisoning your relationship. As dramatic as it sounds if you want to save this marriage I would seriously consider moving far away from her (at least far enough that she can't visit every weekend).

    If your work requires you to go out of town a lot maybe you could ask your boss to put a stop to that for a while. Just cite family "difficulties". This would give you a chance to spend a lot more time together as a family..just you, hubby and the kids. No interfereing MILs. Maybe you and the family could take a vacation together sometime soon??

    Take care.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 12:56 PM   #10
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    I think moving away would be a great idea here as well. But for some it's just not possible or ethical. A vacation may be nice but I dont think it's going to eliminate the idea that he's a strict mama's boy still. And when the vacation is over MIL is back too.

    I wouldnt think of taking a vacation after finding them photos...I do agree w/an above poster make sure this marraige is worth saving. I know you have kids w/him, but there are plenty of divorced couples out there who find new spouses ect and do just fine.

    goodluck

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 09:14 AM   #11
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    I would discontinue going out of town, and include yourself in everything he does - don't give him the opportunity to do this to you anymore. By doing this, he no longer has the "free reign" to have these "parties" and social interactions alone. You will cramp his style, and it will irritate MIL to pieces. She's obviously causing problems in your marriage and is taking delight in doing so. You will never be able to get her to change her behavior- but you might have a chance to get DH to see the "light". If he won't and continues to be a 'mommy's boy' then you have a choice to make - however; if these pictures you are talking about were taken while he had your children and they were present- I would flat out tell him that the children would never be allowed to go anywhere with him unless you are in attendance, period.

    Sounds like he is taking advantage of his time away from you to party and pawn the kids off on mommy, who IMO does NOT sound like anyone that I would want caring for my children.

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 05:13 PM   #12
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    Im shocked by the whole thing! After half the posts on here, I wonder lately, what is up with MIL's--specifically the hubby's mom??? So many people have these complaints. Maybe Im just lucky. My husband's mom is kind of a freak in that she doesnt really seem interested in her son but automatically didnt really like me, but we dont live near her and she is civil. Hubby tries to tell me that she is intimidated by me (something about me being an educated "city slicker" and they are from the country and have never ventured farther than 15 miles out of town). She did try to induce some drama with me but we nipped it in the bud, and she has been decent ever since. We also moved away, which has been great for our relationship. Im shocked at the fact that you husband perpetuates his mother's behavior, and I would never stand for it. I guess i would be divorced.

    Im just so baffled, why o why do men's moms not like us??? Most of the time it seems as if they dont like you before they ever even meet you. what is this???

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 05:51 PM   #13
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    My mother-in-law loves me (despite the fact that I didn't give her son any children). We have breakfast every few weeks, debate outrageous current events sounding much more heated than we really are, laugh about belonging to the "Spouses of Louses" club, etc.

    It's his SISTERS who hate me.

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 08:09 PM   #14
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    I have noticed that too, i think it has ssomething to do with the MIL thinking we are tryingn to replace them and that we aren't good enough. I am having a boy in June, and of course I talk to him, and I told him the other day when MIL was being an old meanie that if I ever treated his wife like that that he should smack me! LOL! But really if I ever act like that I do want someone to smack me. My MIL doesnt' reall like DH either. MY SIL doesn't like me much either, it is a small small world and when DH and I first started dating, she was engaged to a guy who I have known since I was 12, we had a very brief encounter once and he was rather obsessed with me, so I understand that.
    Anyway, I agree that you shouldnt leave him alone anymore, but I really really wonder if this is even worth working on. If you do decide to try, I wish you lots of luck!

     
    Old 05-13-2005, 02:56 AM   #15
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    Re: Black-balled from my husband's family

    HEY!!! Ruth, Piranna, Cattieos, Tiggergirl, Maak, Hillary!!!

    Thank you for the replies! I so needed your help.

    Saddly, my husband has never stuck up for me when it comes to his family. They have never once called me to see how I am and never return phone calls (except for his father...which he hates.) His mother has always disliked me. Even when my mother and step father 1st met her...she never had 1 nice thing to say about me...just how lucky I was to have her son! My mom was not impressed, but laughed it off to mom-son stuff.

    The pictures...the parties..the hateful words his family has for me....not the issue now.

    My husband is about to lose his family. No...not what he has always called his "family"...but his wife and his sons. He can not choose us over them and this breaks my heart.

    I don't know why women hate women. I don't. I won't. Still, I hate women who are "haters".

    My boys have so many people who REALLY love them. One visit every other month is not love. Anyone who doesn't get a thrill by just their vocies...what a loss!

    Hey, does a marriage really end over this???

     
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