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  • Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

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    Old 05-04-2005, 09:23 AM   #1
    persnicket80
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    Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    What can i do to get myself back in his good graces??

    THe change is DRASTIC. before we fought (Sat), he was exuberant, EXTREMELY affectionate (now he doesn't even kiss me hello or pat me when he's walking by) and just so HAPPY. we had broken up a few months ago, then got back together after a LOT of discussion. he's been so happy since then, and so have i. we had a couple of disagreements, but we forgave each other immediately after in-depth discussions and worked to move past them.

    That's not happening this time. i feel like i just KILLED it. and i've apologized, etc, but he doesn't seem to be getting over it. it's been 3 days, and we're in the middle of finals. maybe he's just stressed, but i feel like there's more. he's mad, or hurt, or upset--and it's lingering.

    the reason we fought is this--he jokes around a LOT. he says the most bizarre stuff, for effect, i guess, but some of it bugs me. his friend came over on sat night, and ate some of my cooking. he said to my BF, you have it good. my BF said, i know, it's great, sometimes she just comes over and i don't even have to talk to her and she cooks like 4 dishes. then, a couple of minutes later, i was saying something and he just talked right over my voice. completely interrupted like he didn't even notice i was talking. that REALLY gets my goat.

    he was kidding about the comment, and i know his friend knew he was kidding. maybe i'm just sensitive (and had a glass of wine or two), but in my opinion there's better ways to joke around than put someone down (even mildly). esp. because we're both very sensitive people and take offense easily.

    i know i have some insecurity issues--we've broken up in the past--he broke up with me, then we got back together at his initiative. i worry sometimes that i'm not THE ONE for him--ie, he's just settling with me. so i'm very sensitive to any comments that he makes in which i'm not portrayed in a positive light. even if they're jokes.

    ANyway, he and his friend went out to the bar, and i had a craving. so i went to the grocery store and bought some nachos and a pint of ben and jerrys. this is pretty unusual for me--i'm normally a fairly healthy eater, and i NEVER binge. i just felt like it, though. anyway, he comes home and sees me (i finished the nachos and had started in on the B&J) and he looks HORRIFIED.

    he asked me what i was eating, why i was eating it, what i was doing. he looked like he couldn't believe i was eating ice cream at midnight--he kept saying, but you just had dinner. are you hungry? then he kept asking me if i had an eating disorder!!! now, i spend 5 out of 7 nights with him. when he eats, i eat! i couldn't believe he was asking me that! i was so upset.

    i felt like he was PUNISHING me for doing something he didn't want me to do (eat unhealthy food--he's a health NUT) by asking me if i had an eating disorder and making me feel bad. then i just started to feel unhappy--why is my bf judging me for eating nachos? it's SO STUPID!!! my mother used to get on my case for not eating right, but never any of my BOYFRIENDS! and why did he say that mean stuff at dinner, anyway??

    so i started crying, and i didn't say anything, and didn't talk to him anymore. i just felt really hurt and mad. he went to bed, and i sat up. i kept getting unhappier and unhappier--why did he say that?? is it because he really thinks i have an eating disorder? how can he think that when we spend so much time together? why can't i eat some F*ing nachos if i want to????

    i was still PO'd the next morning. so we had a "talk." i guess i did it wrong. i tried to explain to him that sometimes the way he talks to me offends me. that i wish he wouldn't say things in front of his friends that hurt, etc. etc. i used concrete examples of things that he said because i was trying to get him to understand. and that i didn't know why he was trying to hurt me by asking if i had an ED.

    he was NOT receptive to the conversation. he said that it's part of his personality--saying off the wall things for effect. he also said that he calls me nicknames and says weird things out of affection and kidding around, (some of them are like babytalk, almost. he'll say things like, are you being naughty? are you being good? what did you do? like you would say to a puppy)--not because he's trying to put me down. he said he really WAS horrified by the fact that i was eating nachos at midnight, and one of my friends has an ED and he's worried i do, too.

    yesterday i asked him why he was being so distant, and he said it was because it "takes him time to warm up" after a fight. he says he feels like i told him he was a creep, and that he was making me feel bad all the time. he said that i took everything he said and threw it in his face, and was attacking him. i tried to explain, apologize, make it go away, etc. he said not to worry about it.

    anyway, now he's just withdrawing from me and i dont know what to do. i don't care what he says anymore--i just want him to be affectionate again. did i ruin it???

    should i leave him alone until he gets over it, or try and be REALLY loving and REALLY nice until he warms up??

     
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    Old 05-04-2005, 09:33 AM   #2
    Music4All
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by persnicket80
    ...i worry sometimes that i'm not THE ONE for him--ie, he's just settling with me...

    should i leave him alone until he gets over it, or try and be REALLY loving and REALLY nice until he warms up??
    First, it appears to me you are the one settling, not him.

    Second, the red flags about this guy and your relationship with him are as big as the sky and I am afraid you are determined to avoid them and pretend that it is you and not him: that somehow if you act a certain way, he will no longer act like who he is.

    How he talks to you and addresses you is who he is and whether you act loving or not will not change that. Putting someone down is never acceptable, no matter how much someone says it is just being who they are. If that is who they are, there is much trouble to be had in having a relationship with them.

    I hope you will begin to see your own worth and raise your standards of what is acceptable to you and in your life partner. You deserve respect and comfort, not compromise and brow beating.

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 09:57 AM   #3
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    Lightbulb Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    I totally agree with Music4all

    You are the one that is settling in this relationship, not him.

    This is very unhealthy for you and it isn't normal to be with someone that acts this way. Just letting you know. I'm with a kind loving man (my husband) and I couldn't imagine being married or dating someone you are describing.

    Dig up a little self respect, find a little dignity and leave this guy!

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 03:13 PM   #4
    realguy
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    What do you get from being in a relationship with this man? You seem to be the one doing all the work. He has no appreciation for you. The off the wall comments are a sign he"s still immature.

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 03:41 PM   #5
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    Yikes. Sounds like my ex. Those little inappropriate jokes can really eat away at your self esteem. And he sounds controlling. What you eat is *none* of his business unless maybe you're somehow seriously systematically endangering your own health. Even then, you're an adult free to make your own decisions. I hope you'll stop thinking about how you can get back into his good graces and start thinking how you can do better. For me, being alone and free of all those controlling undermining ways was so liberating. It took a long time, but I just realized I didn't want him back and stopped trying to get him back. I've never felt better than I have sense I left him. Good luck.

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 03:53 PM   #6
    SophiaM
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    One word of advice: NEVER date a health nut. Or a religious nut. Or ANY kind of nut. Just take my word for it. So you had some nachos and icecream at midnight--BIG DEAL! Seems like this guy is a super-perfectionist and would make a huge issue out of nothing. Yes, You ARE entitled to eat junk once in a while, when you feel like it, without being accused of having an eating disorder. Man, what a strange guy. Like he never got a craving in his life. Don't get me wrong, I am generally a health conscious person and try to eat generally nutriciuos food, but this is just ridiculous. I agree with Music and others. You are the one settling.

     
    Old 05-04-2005, 05:19 PM   #7
    Piranna65
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    I agree w/music on this one. It sounds like you are settling not him. And if the two of you have broken up in the past that doesnt leave a very promising future ya know?

    I think since he cant talk and treat you right that you should consider leaving him, for good this time. If your so worked out about all the things he can do to tick you off why stay w/him? Especially since things have been rocky in the past? It doesnt seem like a healthy or promising outcome.

     
    Old 05-05-2005, 08:23 AM   #8
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    hey! Just read your post and that is absurd that he accused you of having an ED just cos yu fancied some B&J!!!!

    Me and my Boyf live together and we can eat a big mean for dinner and then i kid you not my BF will still say he could go something nice, you know like ice cream or a bit of chocolate after dinner, or even that he's still hungry and will wolf down couple bags of chips - amall ones - but never the less!! he doesnt have an eating disorder just a huge appetite. On the other hand i have many a times what you have! if my bF is out that is my opportunity to relax and unwind, have a bath, galss of wine and big bag of nachos and dip and watch a chick flick...bliss!!! its not that i have some sort of ED its just fun having the house to yourself and relaxing and not having to fight over the nachos! thats my wee treat! ok, I know some people might think that is so unhealthy but hey its not everyday just once in a while and i enjoy it and so should you!!

     
    Old 05-05-2005, 12:25 PM   #9
    write
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by here4support

    Dig up a little self respect, find a little dignity and leave this guy!
    I don't think it's serious enough for you to leave. I also don't think it would be wise to blame yourself. You are not at fault here. In a relationship, you are going to argue. It's part of the growing process and loving each other more and more. Don't think that just because you two have broken up before means that what u have with him isn't destined to be. People break up for the craziest reasons. Reasons that probably don't promote any reasoning to break up. Just take things slow and continue to talk to him but don't apologize for eating, maybe apologize that you hurt his feelings but let him know that he hurt you by making vicious comments and let him know that it is not acceptable to you even though he says its a part of his personality.

     
    Old 05-05-2005, 12:38 PM   #10
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: Will he forgive me? fought about "eating disorder"!

    I second everything said - and would add:

    Just because you LOVE somene doesn't mean that they are right for you.
    Or that it is automatically healthy however they decide to treat you.

    Feelings are feelings. You are entitled to love him.
    The reality is that your relationship sounds pretty dysfunctional.
    If you defend his behavior you are actually confirming what has been said.

    No one can tell you to leave him - but we can tell you what doesn't sound helathy (from some of us it's because we've BEEN there).

    Last edited by Ruth6:11; 05-05-2005 at 12:39 PM.

     
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