It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Help me please

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 05-10-2005, 07:43 PM   #1
    sad27
    Newbie
     
    sad27's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Posts: 1
    sad27 HB User
    Help me please

    Hi everyone,

    Im new here and I dont really plan to stay to long, I just need some very solid honest advice from those of you who deal with this stuff all day as members of this forum.

    I have been with a girl for about a year and a half and we have a 12 week old baby boy. However I have come to the realisation that im not ready for any kind of comittment to my partner at all. I dont want to marry her, i dont want to marry anyone, im just not ready to settle down with anybody at all. I dont desire the white picket fence situation at all. I yearn for my single life back and thats basically what it comes down to. I love my partner and my baby boy very much but im just not happy. I am not seeing anyone or anything like that, i am and always have been faithful to her. I need to break away and experience more of lifes experiences as a single person. I have never been in a situation like this, but im following my heart, and its telling me I have unfinished business as a single person in my life.

    This will absolutley tear her apart, her family will be heart broken and so will mine. I am just so confused on how to approach this issue, but it has to be dealt with very soon otherwise I will become very miserable. She has no idea i feel this way. She has asked me many times why I cant show my commitment as a partner and a father by getting engaged to her and ive always shy'ed away from the question, or said something to the effect of "I want to do it when i feel im ready" just so I can put off the thoughts of it until the next time she asks........it has gotten her down many times, and it gets me down to.

    I love this girl so much but my heart is just not in it now. I will always be a great father to my boy, he will get all the support he requires from me, so please dont assume im abandoning my child, I have a very level head and understand he needs his father in his life as much as possible.

    I feel like im doing myself an injustice here and my partner an even greater injustice of pretending any further. I need peoples comments, im in the deep end here, and I feel very on edge.

    Thanks.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 05-10-2005, 07:54 PM   #2
    Ruth6:11
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Ruth6:11's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 3,339
    Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
    Re: Help me please

    I'll be honest. If I were you I'd walk her over to the computer screen and have her read your message.
    Then tell her it is yours.. Your post was very articulate and clear - just be there when she's done reading it...

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 12:25 AM   #3
    lisa24
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2003
    Location: New Jersey, USA
    Posts: 724
    lisa24 HB User
    Re: Help me please

    I think that instead of focusing on what 'you'd like to do' or what 'you haven't done' you should start focusing on 'what you have done' and work with that.
    Many people wish to have things other than how they are, but they realize they have made all their own choices in life and honor those commitments.

    I feel that your desire to go be single again after you made the choice to lay there and make a child with this girl is a pretty selfish desire.
    So now accept the choices you have made. You don't have to be unhappy. You can still be happy in this situation. Accept the choices you have made and work on making the best of those choices. Stop thinking about everything you could have still experienced and start thinking about how great life with your gf and baby could be if you just put the effort into wanting it.
    You are an adult now. An adult with a child. And as one, you cannot just go off and do as you please- you have an obligation to others, now.

    You say you yearn for your single life back, but you can't really have that back. It's already become 'single life; with child'. It isn't going to be the same either way.
    If you do have unfinished business, you just may not get to finish it. But you made the choice to leave it unfinished when you made the choice to have a child. Everyone has unfinished business in some aspect of their lives. (I have plenty) If you are looking to be single until you feel you are completed as a single person, I'd guess you will be single forever, then. We don't always get to live it up to the fullest in all areas of our lives - sometimes 'the real world' gets in the way.

    I just think that you have just had a major change occur in your life, and now you are adjusting to all the changes that go along with it. Don't run from it - embrace it. Think about all you may lose out on if you go - what if you end up 5 yrs later feeling like you have 'unfinished business' as her bf. But then it will be too late. Start seeing all you have right here in this situation. Be more appreciative of what you do have right here and right now, and the desire for something else will die out on it's own.
    I really think you will be doing a greater injustice to everyone, including yourself by leaving.

    Last edited by lisa24; 05-11-2005 at 12:29 AM.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 03:40 AM   #4
    noseyone
    Junior Member
     
    noseyone's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Location: Washington
    Posts: 33
    noseyone HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Maybe you should give it some time....having a new baby is so hard on a relationship....even if you decide it's best to walk away at least you can give it a chance.

    You say you love your g/f...do you really want to hurt her by leaving her with a brand new baby? I've been in that position and it is devastating when the man you love decides he can just walk away from you and the baby he is supposed to love. Whether you need her or not, she needs you----be a man and handle your responsibilities.

    I'm not saying stay forever...but having a baby is a life changing experience and if you walk away now you may regret it later. Have you considered counseling? What is it that you feel you're missing out on? women? drinking? school? You say you love her...what else is out there that you need?

    What would you think of her if she came to you one day and said "i don't want to be with you and i am not hanging around to help take care of this kid, see ya"-----worst mother of the year, right?
    __________________
    umm, yeah...
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 04:26 AM   #5
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Help me please

    It's easy to see how both types of advice can apply here.....while I certainly can see Lisa's point that Sad27 had no problems making a baby and can be seen as being very selfish in terms of wanting to live the single life while his GF may have those same needs....what's most important here is how he is going to be in terms of a father & person if he were to supress these feelings and in the end, turn out to be a very resentful, unhappy, young man who is unable to show love and support to his GF & son if he were to remain in a situation that makes him unhappy as an individual. Sure he wants the single life.....he is young, but he does have a new responsibility and wishes to own up to it. Sad27.....are you willing to give your GF the ability to enjoy the single life too....meaning taking your son half the time so that she has just as much freedom & independence as you??? This would mean overnight and equal time so that she would have the same ability to date and pursue a career and any of her needs which are the same as yours???? Your answer to this is very important.....because if you are not willing to do this then you are being quite selfish in regard to leaving the burden of parenting mostly on your GF and denying her the same needs as you have.

    It is always my feeling that a child deserves both parents together in a loving relationship....if this cannot be then it may be best if they do not marry & stay equally involved in their son's life. For there is nothing more painful than a loveless relationship full of resentment and bitterness. Their son deserves to have two happy parents, at their best. That is what is most important here.

    Sad27....Good luck & I hope this helps you make the best decision for everyone.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 05-11-2005 at 04:27 AM.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 06:35 AM   #6
    hillaryb
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    hillaryb's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2004
    Posts: 1,128
    hillaryb HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Hmmm... I have children, and Im married, and i have to say that having children is a HUGE step, much bigger than committing to a relationship, IMHO. You have already taken the plunge of parenthood, which you will come to realize (if you stick around for your son) that the commitment of being an involved and concerned parent is a hundred times more than the commitment of marriage/engagement, and also a hundred times more life-changing/restrictive. I cant tell you what to do about your girlfriend, I am just utterly baffled at the fact that you arent ready for marriage, but you were ready to be a dad?? It just seems so backwards to me. Im confused


    Your life will never be the same, regardless. Welcome to parenthood!

    Last edited by hillaryb; 05-11-2005 at 06:36 AM.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 06:40 AM   #7
    susieq0726
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    susieq0726's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: Oregon
    Posts: 2,441
    susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hillaryb
    Hmmm... I have children, and Im married, and i have to say that having children is a HUGE step, much bigger than committing to a relationship, IMHO. You have already taken the plunge of parenthood, which you will come to realize (if you stick around for your son) that the commitment of being an involved and concerned parent is a hundred times more than the commitment of marriage/engagement, and also a hundred times more life-changing/restrictive. I cant tell you what to do about your girlfriend, I am just utterly baffled at the fact that you arent ready for marriage, but you were ready to be a dad?? It just seems so backwards to me. Im confused


    Your life will never be the same, regardless. Welcome to parenthood!

    Ditto. I couldn't agree more hillary. It also confuses me because he tells about how much he loves his girlfriend and his son, but still wants to be single and have no responsibility. You can't have both.
    Becoming an adult means making choices and decisions and then being responsible for them.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 06:53 AM   #8
    icsue
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    icsue's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 123
    icsue HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Take a trip by yourself maybe to Europe or something. Sit on a mountain and think about it all. Maybe getting way will keep you from the boxed in feeling. Maybe when you get away you can come back a feel differently about settling down. Maybe your perspective will change.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 06:59 AM   #9
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hillaryb
    Hmmm... I have children, and Im married, and i have to say that having children is a HUGE step, much bigger than committing to a relationship, IMHO. You have already taken the plunge of parenthood, which you will come to realize (if you stick around for your son) that the commitment of being an involved and concerned parent is a hundred times more than the commitment of marriage/engagement, and also a hundred times more life-changing/restrictive. I cant tell you what to do about your girlfriend, I am just utterly baffled at the fact that you arent ready for marriage, but you were ready to be a dad?? It just seems so backwards to me. Im confused


    Your life will never be the same, regardless. Welcome to parenthood!
    I agree with this as well....and just hate it when young people become parents before thinking about what is best for a child. But since these things happen and having seen a couple stick it out for the sake of the child and thus both being miserable to the point of it not being in the best interest of the child when two parents are miserable & unhappy.....sometimes, it is best to go separate ways if in fact a couple sees this mutually as happening. I reiterate with the poster, that he needs to think really hard on the fact that his GF is making sacrifices of singlehood and he should be making the very same sacrifices....and if he chooses to benefit from the return to a single lifestyle then he should allow the same advantage to be given to his GF by allowing her to have just as much free time to do the same. But in the end, what child deserves a parent, mother or father, who doesn't want to make the sacrafices in giving him the best in life in terms of love & time???? I just hate it when the sacrifice ends up being the innocent child......Goody

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 07:29 AM   #10
    sweety123
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    sweety123's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Posts: 4
    sweety123 HB User
    Angry Re: Help me please

    Goody...well put....I think it is to epitemy of selfishness and immaturity. I have four words...TIME TO GROW UP. I think it is a little to late tobe whining and crying about unfinished singlehood (do you even realize how silly this sounds?) Now that you have put this poor girl out of singlehood (b/c she obviosly has no other options but to accept the responsibility) you want to now go on a quest for what else is out there? I know you are going to do exactly what it is you want to do anyway.If you came to this bored in hopes of easing your conscience so you can walk out that door and go on about your happy little childish, single, carefree life then I hope you get it from someone else but I cannot give you a little pat on the back. Life, when it's all said and done, boils down to one thing and in the end all that matters is DOING THE RIGHT THING. You are running away after what 12 weeks? When did you get this bright revalation that you had unfinished bisiness? I don't think it was when you were laid up taking the responsibility to make a baby. I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh but the first couple of months after childbirth are hard enough on a women, she has enough to deal with right now with all the changes she is having to make. I am sure that you may not know what is running through her mind either. I am also pretty certain that she may have some regrets and unfinished bisiness and would want to just go escaping back of into singlehood as well as you do, but do you think that would even be an option for her, I don't. No matter what you feel like your personal delima is right now I promise you it isn't a drop in the bucket to what she is feeling. So, if you are going to leave I certainly hope you think it through and I trust you will DO THE RIGHT THING for everyone involved and not just for yourself.

    Last edited by sweety123; 05-11-2005 at 07:51 AM. Reason: DIDN'T FINISH

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 07:37 AM   #11
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sweety123
    Goody...well put....I think it is to epitemy of selfishness and immaturity. I have four words...TIME TO GROW UP
    That's right. Do you have ANY idea what this woman you supposedly "love" so much will be going through when you leave her with a newborn baby to pursue your "unfinished business" with single life?? Have you got any clue how much it will hurt her? This woman carried your baby in her womb and gave birth to him. You never said she treated you badly or that she was a bad mother in any way. You said you loved her and your baby. Do the right thing and be a grown up man. Life doesn't always happen the way we plan it and there's almost never the right time to get married or become a parent. You should be glad that at least it's not with a woman you don't love and can't stand to be around. I'm sorry but if you weren't ready for commitment and child, you should have taken precautions to avoid that. I am not trying to preach or anything, but we should be responsible for the choices we make. If it were my brother in your situation, I would advise him to marry the girl.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 07:46 AM   #12
    icsue
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    icsue's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 123
    icsue HB User
    Re: Help me please

    One other thing. If you love her and you become single, how will you feel about her dating and sleeping with other guys? If you're single she will be single also. You'll still have to communicate about the child.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 08:58 AM   #13
    scarlett_
    Senior Member
     
    scarlett_'s Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 104
    scarlett_ HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Sounds like a case of the novelty wearing off. I'm glad you're not my boyfriend. I totally agree with the majority of the other posters. Your problem annoyed me. You had no problem making a baby but you also have no problem wanting to leave your girlfriend and baby to go back to a single and carefree life? You should be so ashamed of yourself. You made a baby now take some responsibility for it. Why should the responsibility be left to your girlfriend to raise your baby while you go off and have no responsibilities? What makes you think you can abandon your responsibilities? That is not the right thing to do. And you'll be "miserable" if this goes on? How do you think your girlfriend will feel when she has to raise a baby alone? Whatever happens, I feel sorry for your girlfriend and son for having a person like you in their lives.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 10:05 AM   #14
    Tiff208
    Member
    (female)
     
    Tiff208's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Location: Corpus Christi,Texas
    Posts: 74
    Tiff208 HB User
    Re: Help me please

    Yes... it sounds like you are now trying to take on the "poor little sad me"role now. How sad for the lives you will affect feeling sorry for yourself. My question to you is what is it you want to experience now? You want to be single again,and do what? Go out meet some other girl,make her feel she is in a secure and lasting relationship,make another baby and when the fun seems to be over and real life sets in again, leave her to? No matter how old you get or how much of life you experience if you are going to be immuture(like you are portraying yourself to be) no time will ever be the right time to take on real life. The fact is whether or not you take on YOUR responsibility, it is there regaurdless, and the simple truth is you are not a child (no matter if you fancy yourself one or not). To say you just want to leave b/c your not ready for a picket fence is lame, like someone else posted DO THE RIGHT THING. Your g/f isn't bad toyou, you have not said that she has done anything negative... she believes you are a good man and so does her family that loves her as well as your family who loves you.People don't always get delt the best hands in life,I and im sure alot of other people can testify to that but that isn't even the real issue, whether or not you got delt the best hand means nothing whats more is how you choose to play the hand you've been delt is what really matters. Everyone does not make the right choices but everyone has to pay for the choices they make(that is one certain thing) This may be one of the toughest decitions you will ever make,and it will be life altering for alot of people.I hope you use this to build your own charactor and something that your son can one day be proud of. I know you may be thinking, "why are all these people coming down so hard on me" and maybe you are going to say " well I am going to take responsibility and support my child even if I leave" but getting a few checks in the mail a couple times a month is certainly not the same AS HAVING A FATHER. You have no good reason to leave except your own personal and selfish ones. If you wanted hard,cold facts and honest answers when you came to this board then I do not think you have gotten anything less than that. Whatever you choose to do with the information and points of views you recieved is all on you. No one can make up your mind for you but once you make your decition there may be no going back so you will in a sence be defining to yourself and others WHO YOU REALLY ARE as a person. I hope you make a decition you can live with. You may go out and get your friends opinions and you may like what they have to say better but they also may either be 1. as immature as you seem to be (no offense ) or 2. Not want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth about what they think. I think it was very brave of you to come on a board of stranges who have no stake in your life and ask a question like that. I think you also knew you were going to recieve answers like the ones you got here because I do believe you already have an idea of the right thing and the wrong thing to do. The fact that you stood by your g/f side thru the preg. and you did not come on here with a sour attitude against her shows that SOOO, I just want to say good luck and at least your not making a rash decition, just think about it and you will do the right thing. Hope things get better for you, you are just at one of those crossroads at least you have the brains to realize that, more than you can say for alot of people.

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 10:26 PM   #15
    Snails
    Senior Veteran
     
    Snails's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 1,137
    Snails HB UserSnails HB User
    Re: Help me please

    I'm really sorry, sad, that you received such scathing attacks in response to your original post. People here are usually more supportive and less judgmental, but I guess you struck a major nerve with several women here. Still, I'm very surprised that so many people, who usually give great advice on this board, are telling you to stay in a relationship that you don't want to be in. It's not childish and selfish to end a relationship with someone if you want out--yes, you did have a child with this woman, but that certainly doesn't oblige you to spend the rest of your life with her against your will. I think Goody gave you some of the only good advice you've received, and hopefully it will be helpful as you consider what to do. I'd urge you not to make any decision hastily, but I'm sure you won't...and please don't take the advice that you are obligated to stay with this woman for the sake of your child without a BIG grain of salt. Ultimately, I think everyone is just concerned for the well-being of the child, and the best thing for any child is to have two loving, caring parents who are content and fulfilled in their own lives.

    My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I'm thrilled that they did, because they would never have gotten along. Living with both of them at the same time would have exposed me to an angry, hostile environment, and by seeing them separately, I got the one-on-one love I needed. Also, it was great for me that my parents were happy and independent rather than stuck in a miserable, acrimonious relationship for my sake. Trust me, following their hearts and taking separate paths was the best thing they could have done for me. That said, I only feel this way because my dad made a consistent, concerted effort to be a major presence in my life. Often when a couple splits after having a baby, the parent without primary custody fails to provide the attention and care he or she would otherwise either to avoid his/her ex or because of geographical circumstances. I hope you will not make this mistake, and realize that you can have a love life and still be there every step of the way for your baby. While I agree that you have a commitment to your child now that you've decided to have one, I definitely don't think that the same is true when it comes to your girlfriend. You have the right to be happy and follow your heart as long as you are a mature, responsible, and loving parent. I wish you all the best and hope that things work out well no matter what you decide about leaving or staying with your girlfriend.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Someone help please ..chemo side effects sophie56 Cancer: Breast 8 06-12-2010 06:46 PM
    Root canal advice please please help adrian32 Dental Health 0 04-20-2010 08:09 AM
    help me to detox please shelley7491 Addiction & Recovery 21 05-23-2007 08:14 PM
    Please, I need help x-Bliss-x Bipolar Disorder 7 02-10-2007 06:01 PM
    overdosed on adderall please help my gf who has no idea yet that i might die afistalker240 ADD / ADHD 12 10-10-2005 02:44 PM
    i need a little help hiera Heart Disorders 23 11-30-2004 06:05 PM
    Please Help Me With This Addiction! Creeky Addiction & Recovery 26 06-19-2004 09:55 AM
    please get help alisonmelia Addiction & Recovery 1 12-18-2003 09:15 AM
    I urgently need help with my best friend! caprisun1202 Pain Management 14 12-05-2003 09:50 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:08 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!