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  • Not being jealous ??????

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    Old 05-11-2005, 04:45 PM   #1
    twotulips
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    Not being jealous ??????

    Can someone please give me the secret to overcoming jealousy.I know its bugging my boyfriend alot that Im so jealous but honestly, I feel like its controlling me.I know I shouldnt ask him where he was and who he was with because I dont want that kind of relationship but its like my jealous curiosity just overcomes me and I cant just shut up about things.Theres a girl in my bf's class and pretty much all my bf's friends think shes hot and want to go out with her and that makes me feel really insecure.He goes with her and two other guys from his class at lunch everyday to smoke pot (not a big deal) And now he has her cell number in case he needs pot.he doesnt call unless he absolutely cannot find any and even then he is hesitant to call so him having her number doesnt really concern me because its for pot.He told me right away when he got her number so thats another reason I dont worry too much. But I get really jealous about other things that have to do with that girl and I know its going to end up pushing my bf away but its like I cant help it. Im actually a vert smart person but its like this jealosy thing is my weakness.Ive heard before that if your bf mentions someone else you shouldnt ask a million questions but you should just smile and say "oh cool! hows she doing?" But how do you do that when your heart beats fast whenever you see her because you dont like her? I guess Im just wondering how I can stop being jealous.He tells me whever hes went with her so its not like hes hiding anything.I just dont want to be the jealous gf.

     
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    Old 05-11-2005, 05:02 PM   #2
    Tiggerbabe
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    work on your selfesteem. That's all i can say sounds like you have a low selfesteem and dont trust you b/f.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 07:29 PM   #3
    GypsyArcher
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    Why aren't you bothered by the fact that your boyfriend has a drug problem?

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 09:27 PM   #4
    cattieos
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    Yeah I think i would be bothered by the pot thing too.
    But otherwise, the only way to overcome jealousy is to realize, that for one, being overly jealous will RUIN a relationship. And the other, he comes home to YOU, so what if he has a female friend. You have to learn to trust him. Unless he has given you reason not to, you just have to put faith in him. My DH is a nurse, so all his friends are female, at first I was a little worried, but then I thought, you know that is silly, he loves me, he comes home to me, his life is with me. now, if for some reason, he gave me reason to be jealous, like I found random phone numbers in his pocket or something, then there would be a problem

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 09:54 PM   #5
    persnicket80
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    first off, don't worry about the pot thing. as long as he/you can do it recreationally, it's totally fine. lots of responsible adults smoke from time to time, like having a glass of wine with dinner. that's my opinion, anyway.

    secondly, there are a couple of ways to deal with her. the reason you feel jealous is because you're not secure of your boyfriend's love for you. if you were 100% sure he loved you and would never do anything, you wouldn't be jealous. don't feel bad about yourself, though. not that ALL jealousy is bad--sometimes, in small doses, it can make people appreciate each other more.

    if it's controlling you, and making you crazy, though, you should take steps to alleviate it. one way i can think of is to try and get your boyfriend to be more expressive to you. however, guys sometimes get all annoyed when you're clingy, so maybe you can make friends with her instead. maybe you'd feel better if you got to know her--if your boyfriend is really not doing anything with her, and he hangs out with her, maybe you can come along. once you meet her, and see her and your bf interact, maybe you'll realize she's not interested in your bf and he's not interested in her.

    keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. wink, wink.

     
    Old 05-11-2005, 11:08 PM   #6
    Piranna65
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    I use to be totally comfortable with my boyfriend about everything. I still am to an extent. I do trust him and i disagree with tiggerbabe, you have no reason not to trust your b/f. Not unless he gives you a reason too.

    My insucurties come from my b/f and his smoking of pot after we started dating. Im hoping that "phase" has ended.

    Are you sure the pot thing doesnt bother you? I know it drove me crazy, I even tried it just to show my b/f I wasnt afraid of change. He has a few co-workers that are female, all of which I have met and know he isnt interested in anymore then friends. Maybe it would help if you joined them for lunch a few times so you can get to meet her? And realize she may not be a threat? Do you know if she has a b/f? Do you think your boyfriend has mentioned you to her?

    My boyfriend talks crazy about me when he's at work and when I see his co-workers at the bar and what not if i meet them for the first time I always get "oooh is soo nice to finally meet you so and so talks about you SOOO much." Maybe your b/f is doing the same when your not around?

    It's worth it to give him the benefit of the doubt. But if your so concerned see if he's willing to have you meet them for lunch...

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 07:16 AM   #7
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    Do you actually know this girl? Have you ever talked to her yourself? You say you don't like her, but if you don't know her, how can you say you don't like her??????? Maybe you are just jealous of her???
    I think the fact that he's apparently smoking alot of pot would bother me more than the girl, but that's just me. Now I am no angel, but if he's having to keep her number "just in case he runs out or pot", is a bigger red flag in my opinion.
    Jealousy is a horrible thing when it consumes your life, and there is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that can't get it in control. I agree with one of the posters: It sounds like a self esteem problem that you will need to work on. YOU will have to fix it - not your boyfriend or anyone else. You need to feel good about yourself and only you can do that.
    This other girl has nothing to do with it so don't blame her for the way your feeling. Take her out of the equation alltogether. You work on you!

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 05:32 PM   #8
    Ms Harriet
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    I would be concerned that he has her number just for pot or whatever, you and i both know how easy it is to get pot in that town, he doesnt HAVE to call her for it. you know what i mean. this has been going on for long enough ndn you have told him how you feel about it, out of respect why would he keep doing this when he knows it bugs you? or do you think maybe he is just doing this to be like yeah you know youre not the only one that likes me. maybe he gets a rush off of being a "wanted man" you know. how would he feel if you went and hung out with gillian at lunch time and had his phone number "in case you wanted to go hiking" which is what you too enjoy so what is the difference between that and him callin her for pot, which is what they enjoy. but id say im biased against this, cause i already dont like him, so you can just take this knowing that

     
    Old 05-12-2005, 05:42 PM   #9
    BLUE EYED LADY
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    Do you actually know this girl? Have you ever talked to her yourself? You say you don't like her, but if you don't know her, how can you say you don't like her??????? Maybe you are just jealous of her???
    I think the fact that he's apparently smoking alot of pot would bother me more than the girl, but that's just me. Now I am no angel, but if he's having to keep her number "just in case he runs out or pot", is a bigger red flag in my opinion.
    Jealousy is a horrible thing when it consumes your life, and there is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that can't get it in control. I agree with one of the posters: It sounds like a self esteem problem that you will need to work on. YOU will have to fix it - not your boyfriend or anyone else. You need to feel good about yourself and only you can do that.
    This other girl has nothing to do with it so don't blame her for the way your feeling. Take her out of the equation alltogether. You work on you!

    Hi,
    I agree with everything Susie said above. There are 3 problems you mentioned in your post. (Jealousy, Self Esteem Issues and the Pot.) I know you are not concerned about the pot, but you need to be. Pot IS A DRUG and IS ILLEGAL, and remember even if you are with him if he is pulled over, you will get in trouble too!
    I think it is very important that you try and deal with the issues that you can control, such as your jealousy. What do you think the root cause might be? How is your life with your family? When we do not deal with issues that we have, we will bring them into all our future realtionships as well. We are also more prone to pick relationships that are not healthy when we have our own issues. It is very important that you work on helping your self esteem, otherwise you will find yourself repeating the same patterns in the future.
    Good Luck.

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 05-12-2005 at 05:43 PM.

     
    Old 05-13-2005, 12:59 AM   #10
    Snails
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    Re: Not being jealous ??????

    Hey, don't worry about the pot...people who think it's a big deal are inexperienced or uptight. I think the advice about befriending the girl is absolutely great. Since this board is anonymous, thankfully, I'll say that I was actually shocked reading your thread because I exactly like that girl you described when I was in high school (basically, the guys all wanted to be friends/hang out/date me, girls were resentful and hostile, I liked to party and was the only girl who really got along and was friends with all the guys--this was at a very small ritzy private school). Anyway, I usually would have one best girl friend at a time even though all the other girls hated me for no reason, I was new and hadn't done anything to them. I would have never, ever have hooked up with a guy who was dating my friend!! But otherwise, I didn't really care about those girls who were bitchy to me, though I generally avoided hooking up with guys with girlfriends. In general, I really enjoyed hooking up with a variety of my male friends, and the only thing that would have stopped me from doing so is if I was friends with the guy's GF. So I think befriending her is the best move, unless they're already hooking up, in which case you should dump him and find an honest, loyal guy like you deserve.

     
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