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WhyIsThisMyLife 05-19-2005 05:06 PM

Married 12 days & depressed
 
I've been married for 12 days. On the wedding night, my husband stayed downstairs in the hotel gambling while I sat in the hotel room in my bridal gown waiting for him. Finally, I cried myself to sleep. My honeymoon was filled with gambling and more gambling. We made love maybe twice. It was so unromantic, I was so dissapointed. I know its my fault, because I married him knowing he wasn't the romantic type. I love my husband, but his lack of romance bothers me. I guess I just thought he would be better during the honeymoon. I'm seeing a doctor Monday because I need antidepressants. I've had bouts of depression, but I can't stop crying since my honeymoon. I feel like nothing has changed and I am as lonely as I was before the marriage. My husband works at night and he is trying to change that because he knows I am lonely. But, he is not in any rush to change it. In fact, despite the fact that I couldn't stop crying because I didn't want to be alone, he went to work and then elected to work two hours of overtime to make up for missing a day when we were on our honeymoon. He is blind to how serious things are with me. He knows I was once in therapy because of this extreme loneliness I feel. I've kept relationships with other men because I don't want to lose them right now. I need them for friendship. I know what I am doing is wrong. It's wrong to string them along. It's wrong for me to keep talking to them when I am married. I work alone and then I am alone at home until he gets off from work. I do have friends, but when I talk to them and hear there familes and children in the background it makes me more lonely. I just want a family of my own, I guess. 12 days and I am looking for marriage counseling. I love him, but I'm not sure I will be satisfied with him being so unromantic and not having much passion. I think the thing that really scares me is the loneliness and lack of passion is going to lead me to cheat on him. I admit even now I am thinking that having a date some nights with a male friend would be ok as long as there is no kissing or touching. I just don't know if I could leave it at that.

SophiaM 05-19-2005 05:31 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
Why in the world did you marry this man? I am just curious. How long were you dating before marriage? Is this lack of passion a new thing since the wedding, or was he always like this? I'm afraid you might have married a man who's completely wrong for you, and as a result, you are feeling even more lonely than before. I am so sorry you're going through this, but I can't understand why you married him. Can you elaborate on your reasons, please?

bluesky123 05-19-2005 06:26 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
Do you love him?you have just got married. surely shouldnt this be the happiest time of your life?
You have to sit him down and talk things through. MAKE him understand what you are going through.
you definately need counselling- you MUST go. itll help so much.
after a few sessions perhaps invite him to the sessions?

tell us more about the sort of person he is- describe what you love about him, why you married him, did you think things would change once you had married him?
you cant change anyone. only yourself, you need to help yourself. get yourself out of this mess. you deserve so much more.
goodluck please keep us posted.

sarasota2004 05-19-2005 06:35 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
I just posted a string that I just found out my husband cheated on me!

And when I read your post, you sound like my husband! I have been very unaffectionate since our wedding day and we barely have sex (maybe once a month). He pleads to me all the time that he needs and yearns for my affection and I just keep saying I'll try harder.

But 4 days ago I found out that he's been having relations with another woman for almost 2 years! And...he says there is no excuse for what he did but he was so lonely and enjoyed that someone liked him.

I know his reasons on doing it but he is married and that's NO EXCUSE.

If you feel the desire to cheat, GET OUT of the marriage first...it's the right thing to do. You can't have your cake and eat it too!

WhyIsThisMyLife 05-19-2005 08:08 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Why in the world did you marry this man? I am just curious. How long were you dating before marriage? Is this lack of passion a new thing since the wedding, or was he always like this? I'm afraid you might have married a man who's completely wrong for you, and as a result, you are feeling even more lonely than before. I am so sorry you're going through this, but I can't understand why you married him. Can you elaborate on your reasons, please?[/QUOTE]

I married him because I love him. Because I never met a man who tried so much to please me. Because he has a wonderful sense of humour and we have a lot of the same goals. I had the passionate love affairs and they never seemed to work out. I'm 38 and I was looking more for love, companionship and friendship. I just realize I miss the passion also. He has always had a lack of passion and had a low sex drive. I even contemplated whether I could live with that and decided I could to marry a good man. If I was 20, I may not have done it, but would have continued to look for someone that had it all, but at 38, I guess I thought I was being more "sensible."

WhyIsThisMyLife 05-19-2005 08:18 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
[QUOTE=bluesky123]Do you love him?you have just got married. surely shouldnt this be the happiest time of your life?
You have to sit him down and talk things through. MAKE him understand what you are going through.
you definately need counselling- you MUST go. itll help so much.
after a few sessions perhaps invite him to the sessions?

tell us more about the sort of person he is- describe what you love about him, why you married him, did you think things would change once you had married him?
you cant change anyone. only yourself, you need to help yourself. get yourself out of this mess. you deserve so much more.
goodluck please keep us posted.[/QUOTE]

I guess part of me felt I could change him. He is the sweetest man and he has been hurt and I have been hurt and we both needed someone to love and we found each other and we do love each other. I feel he needs to see someone regarding his sex drive. He was asked how many times per month was a good amount to have sex and he said 10 times. He is only 35! I feel like we need to work on the sexual side of our marriage, but isn't that a common complaint in relationships and marriages? Lack of passion/lack of sex and then boredom? He just doesn't seem bored by the monotony of the way we do things. I want things wilder. The other day we were in a hotel and I said less watch an adult movie. He didn't want too. I don't want things to get boring, but to be honest they already are. My sex drive is diminishing and that is getting to be a good thing. A year ago, I would have attacked him when he walked through the door. Now I don't recall the last time I initiated sex. Soon the doctor will put me on antidepressants, before I would be afraid to lose my sex drive. Now, I feel its the best thing for me.

ladivapr02 05-19-2005 08:25 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
This marriage sounds to me like it will end sooner or later. She already knew he was unromantic and such and now married she sees things are not going to change (and my bet is it will progressilvely get worse). Her strong desire to have family made her believe it is going to work. I personally have my doubts on marriage counseling. I don't know but when one choose the wrong person no marriage counseling works. Marriage counseling did not worked with bf's marriage. They tried but at the end had to admit that indeed a divorce was best. (and a low point i personally see in marriage counseling (this is really my own opinion and nobody has to agree with me) is that while the counselors are trying to fix it up a baby may be conceived which will make the eventual divorce worse)

How old are you? If you are young get away from that marriage and look for a man that is the right one. Don't cheat!

SophiaM 05-20-2005 07:39 AM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
[QUOTE=WhyIsThisMyLife]I married him because I love him. Because I never met a man who tried so much to please me. Because he has a wonderful sense of humour and we have a lot of the same goals. I had the passionate love affairs and they never seemed to work out. I'm 38 and I was looking more for love, companionship and friendship. I just realize I miss the passion also. He has always had a lack of passion and had a low sex drive. I even contemplated whether I could live with that and decided I could to marry a good man. If I was 20, I may not have done it, but would have continued to look for someone that had it all, but at 38, I guess I thought I was being more "sensible."[/QUOTE]

Oh gosh, I really feel for you. I know first hand how hard it is to find a "good man" who is also marriage-minded. However, in this case it looks like you two are completely incompatible. And I don't know if he's as sweet and wonderful as you say if he left you crying and alone on your wedding night and spent the night gambling instead of making love to you. What kind of a caring man would do that? That's just unexcusable. You will always be frustrated with his lack of affection and no passion in the marriage. I don't want to give you the wrong advice, but you need to ask yourself very honestly if you can picture yourself spending THE REST OF YOUR LIFE in this situation. I agree with Ladiva that if you need counseling after ONLY 12 DAYS of marriage (at first when I read your thread, I thought I read it wrong and it must be 12 years), you're in for a rocky ride. At this point it might even be possible to annul your marriage as if it never happened. I think I would opt for that and start looking for someone who is more on the same wavelength as me.

Ninispjc 05-20-2005 09:51 AM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Oh gosh, I really feel for you. I know first hand how hard it is to find a "good man" who is also marriage-minded. However, in this case it looks like you two are completely incompatible. And I don't know if he's as sweet and wonderful as you say if he left you crying and alone on your wedding night and spent the night gambling instead of making love to you. What kind of a caring man would do that? That's just unexcusable. You will always be frustrated with his lack of affection and no passion in the marriage. I don't want to give you the wrong advice, but you need to ask yourself very honestly if you can picture yourself spending THE REST OF YOUR LIFE in this situation. I agree with Ladiva that if you need counseling after ONLY 12 DAYS of marriage (at first when I read your thread, I thought I read it wrong and it must be 12 years), you're in for a rocky ride. At this point it might even be possible to annul your marriage as if it never happened. I think I would opt for that and start looking for someone who is more on the same wavelength as me.[/QUOTE]

I really have to agree with this. As awful as it may be to contemplate anulment or divorce after only 12 days, I don't think you should drug yourself up to accept the fact that you're not getting everything out of marriage that anyone would and should want. The wedding night and honeymoon is about the marriage about the two of you, not about gambling or really anything else. If I were this unhappy in my marriage, I'd either work on the marriage or get out of it before I started popping pills.

WhyIsThisMyLife 05-20-2005 11:52 AM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
I actually chalked up the fact that because we lived together and had already been in a sexual relationship, he just didn't realize how important the wedding night was too me. Yes, he was unthinking, but he is not uncaring. Had I told him, he would have stopped gambling and come to the room immediately. I'm actually sorry no one here has any positive advice. I'm 38 and I would like children. I had many relationships, but really only two where I thought a marriage might work. This is one of them. The other one ended up getting another girl pregnant while we were dating so I dropped him. I do love him and I would like a relationship such as his parents have when we get older and sex has gone out of our lives. They are each others best friends. I do realize passion does not last forever and you need something to hold you together once its gone. I don't want a divorce, I want to be satisfied with what I have.

pcantona 05-20-2005 12:18 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
A bride abandoned on the wedding night? That is soo sad to hear..He really isn't that passionate about you. And I don't mean just sexually, but apparently gambling is more important to him, than you, so he lacks in the "love" and "caring" department as well. When you do not have love or have sex, then what do you have? You see if you killed your sex drive..when you are 60...gambling will still be more important to him than you. So no matter what I does sound like you made a misstake. Honestly..if you try to lower yourself sexually to his level by killing your sex drive and you are already considering an affair on the side after 12 days...really you should be honest to yourself and to your new husband and tell him that it was a misstake. In the long run it will be for the better. Since you are already prone for depression...what do you think being married to someone that doesn't care for you 100% and doesn't want to initmate with you, will do to you in 10 years? You will be so depressed and broken inside that you won't be able to live with it anymore. It is ALWAYS better to be single than being in a relationship that is wrong. And breaking it off early is always better and easier than in 5 years. You shouldn't marry someone that doesn't love you back as much as you give and that doesn't match you sexually. If you do, you are always condemmed to loose and destroy yourself with time. From what I read, it sounds like you got desperate to have a family with kids like everyone else has. Since you are 38 y/o..fertilly you only have a few more years to become pregnant and I think you made a hastily decision and bet on the wrong horse.

Ninispjc 05-20-2005 12:19 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
[QUOTE=WhyIsThisMyLife]I actually chalked up the fact that because we lived together and had already been in a sexual relationship, he just didn't realize how important the wedding night was too me. Yes, he was unthinking, but he is not uncaring. Had I told him, he would have stopped gambling and come to the room immediately. I'm actually sorry no one here has any positive advice. I'm 38 and I would like children. I had many relationships, but really only two where I thought a marriage might work. This is one of them. The other one ended up getting another girl pregnant while we were dating so I dropped him. I do love him and I would like a relationship such as his parents have when we get older and sex has gone out of our lives. They are each others best friends. I do realize passion does not last forever and you need something to hold you together once its gone. I don't want a divorce, I want to be satisfied with what I have.[/QUOTE]


I'm no expert, but I'm not a big believer in making yourself try to stop wanting something you want. If the wedding night was that important to you, and you knew he would have come up if you'd asked him, can I ask why you didn't? I think communication is a really important part of a good relationship. How is he going to know what your needs are if you never tell him? Perhaps some marriage counceling might help. IF he won't go with you, go alone. I think antidepressants can sometimes help with temporary emotional problems brought on by chemical imbalance or an extremely traumatic incident, but if your marriage is not what you want, and you stop taking the pills, your marriage will still be not what you want. You need to work on a marriage to make it grown and flourish, I think. Don't be afraid to talk to him about what you expect out of the marriage.

goiterlady 05-20-2005 12:41 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
Dear WhyIsThisMyLife: I can relate to your situation because my husband was VERY much like your husband. I had expected the first year of marriage to be like a honeymoon, but instead it was empty and loveless and I was very disappointed. So I just want you to know that it is normal for you to be depressed. I am sure that you are very disappointed and that is normal too. So please find a therapist or someone to talk to because you need to have someone on your side. take care.

Hoop 05-20-2005 12:47 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
It doesn't seem like you've had a serious talk with him about your concerns and issues, from just reading your posts. Maybe you should talk to him first before going to see a doctor or a counselor. Some guys just get too comfortable and start taking things for granted if you don't have a serious talk with them every now and then.

roopy 05-22-2005 10:00 PM

Re: Married 12 days & depressed
 
I read through everything you wrote and what surprised me most was that you KNEW he was like this BEFORE you married him. You were hoping he would change with the honeymoon, and he didn't. But really, even if he did, didn't you expect he would go back to his normal self after the honeymoon? It sounds to me like you need personal counseling, because he will never be able to satisfy you and you him until you can do that for yourself. 12 days into it and wanting to cheat, I would get an annulment ASAP!


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