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  • Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

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    Old 05-25-2005, 08:12 AM   #1
    Mike76
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    Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    Hi everyone, I have been going out with my girlfriend for 10 months now. This is my and her first longterm relationship. I am 26 and she is 25. I love her so much and we both talk about marriage and growing old together. But I have this irrational jealousy and insecurities. She was a virgin before we met. But I worry so much and am so insecure about things I think it starting to take its toll. I love her more than I could ever imagine. I don't want to mess this up. Please give me any advice you may have. Thank you

     
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    Old 05-25-2005, 08:25 AM   #2
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mike76
    Hi everyone, I have been going out with my girlfriend for 10 months now. This is my and her first longterm relationship. I am 26 and she is 25. I love her so much and we both talk about marriage and growing old together. But I have this irrational jealousy and insecurities. She was a virgin before we met. But I worry so much and am so insecure about things I think it starting to take its toll. I love her more than I could ever imagine. I don't want to mess this up. Please give me any advice you may have. Thank you
    Hi, Mike Welcome to the boards. You are right in the sense that there is a good chance that if you continue on this path of jealousy that you will cause irreparable damage to your relationship. You need to get a hold o these feelings before they take it's toll on a relationship that you see as so special. Many times somebody who is insecure and jealous will end up being controlling and smothering and will make the other person want to get out. Please...if you really love this girl you need to work on your issues.

    How???? You need to look inside yourself and work on your confidence and self image. Usually when that is low you will feel the way that you do. If you really love your GF you will give her your best. You will allow her the freedom to be who she is without wanting her to change. And you will be able to do the same. She has other interests in her life besides you in terms of friends, hobbies, education....you must allow her to continue to enjoy those and not feel threatened by that but knowing that in allowing her to grow you are allowing her to be the special person that you love. To deny her any parts of her life is like denying her the nourishment that she needs. If you each look at your relationship like that then you will have a healthy one in which you allow yourselves to be your best for one another.

    Jealousy and insecurity are two characteristics that you want to stay away from. If you need to increase your confidence you need to continue to enjoy your interests as well. Do not give up everything for her or expect her to do the same in order to have a relationship. Rather, allow one another the freedom to grow.......Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 05-25-2005 at 08:26 AM.

     
    Old 05-25-2005, 10:49 AM   #3
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    Re: Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mike76
    Hi everyone, I have been going out with my girlfriend for 10 months now. This is my and her first longterm relationship. I am 26 and she is 25. I love her so much and we both talk about marriage and growing old together. But I have this irrational jealousy and insecurities. She was a virgin before we met. But I worry so much and am so insecure about things I think it starting to take its toll. I love her more than I could ever imagine. I don't want to mess this up. Please give me any advice you may have. Thank you
    I just want to state that a little jealousy in any relationship is extremely healthy and extremely normal. In fact, I often found it to be a key ingredient in whether or not a relationship will work or is working. If you think about it in reverse, wouldn't you prefer to know that your girlfriend gets slightly jealous over you once in awhile? Does it not help you feel a little more secure in her love for you? Don't you even sometimes just crave a little jealousy from her just to let you know you really have her and she's all yours?

    The emphasis is on a little jealousy. The problem, however, is in what you state to be "irrational jealousy and insecurities". There are times in a man's life where you just seem to get so hung up over someone, that everything and everyone that demands your girl's attention away from you will just make you absolutely nuts. Part of it is being young and new to the relationship scene though...you don't really know what is appropriate and normal at first and you don't know when its ok to push it and when to hold back sometimes. I've found myself in this pit of despair a few times so I know what you are going through. I'll tell you what I learned about this kind of thing and you can tell me if it makes sense or helps you in anyway.

    The first thing you gotta figure out is the reality of your relationship. What I mean is are you jealous because of something she does/says or are you just imagining things that she might do? Basically, you gotta take a cold hard look at your relationship and how she treats you overall. Does she respect you? Does she intentionally flirt with other guys? Is she trying to make you jealous sometimes? Does she go out of her way to make you feel secure or does she not even care about your feelings? The list goes on but the common theme is she may not make you feel that you can trust her. The fact of life is, there are many women in your life that won't put you first and want to play games with your heart so you gotta be careful with this one. You gotta know that your girl isn't like this or isn't doing something on purpose to make you jealous.

    Secondly, if you accept the way she treats you overall, you have to look at your own insecurities. Maybe you could have all kinds of negative thoughts running through your head like, "I'm not good enough to keep a girl this pretty"..."If she meets someone better looking she's gonna fall for him"..."I gotta keep an eye on her to make sure she isn't doing anything wrong"..."I can't let her go out with her friends, who knows what they will make her do or what guys they will talk to"...Perhaps you don't feel worthy of dating such a gorgeous girl and you can't stand other guys looking at her even though she would never do anything about it. Maybe your imagination is getting the best of you afterall. There isn't a guy on this planet that doesn't think these things from time to time. There difference is in how you handle it. The key is proper communication. How do you relate with one another? Do you bottle things up that bother you or do you discuss them openly? Do you just fly off the handle and explode all over her when you get jealous or do you take it all in, relax, and discuss the things that bother you? Do you feel that you can be yourself around her, relax in her presence, and talk about your feelings or does she make you feel uncomfortable about it or get mad if you bring it up?

    In the end, there are two things that will ultimately make a relationship work. They are respect for each others feelings and being able to communicate about the important things in your relationship in a mature, civilized manner. If you have both of these, then the rest is a simple.

    But, I'll give you another piece of inside information...this took me a while to figure out. When it comes to women, its not what you do...its what you don't do that counts. What I mean is you gotta be strong and confident in a relationship...this means that you don't react to every little stupid thing. Confidence is being in control of your emotions, calm in the face of adversity, and sure that you can handle whatever comes your way. I gotta tell you that excessive jealousy is the surest way to lose somebody...not because you felt it, but because you made her life a living hell with it. But always remember this: Women love confidence! If you don't have any...get some!

    Last edited by CFD 333; 05-25-2005 at 11:39 AM.

     
    Old 05-25-2005, 11:05 AM   #4
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    Re: Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    I totally agree with both posters.

    I was in a relationship about a month ago (for 10 months - like you, we are both 26 yrs. old) and my BF was INSANELY jealous. It was the worst living hell you could imagine. But I stayed and tried to change him. He was the most insecure, jealous person that I had ever met. He never changed.

    I decided I had had enough. I left him. I went to extreme distances to get rid of him and get him out of my life. Apparently this is what changed him. He realized what he lost when I left him. The old saying "gotta lose something sometimes to win it" - this was him. He had to lose me to realize what he had lost. He completely changed his life around.

    He is a different person today because of it and we are back together and 100% happy - I love him more now than I did at any point during our ten months. He is 100% confident and secure in himself, therefore in our relationship.

    The point of my post is - you need to change....quickly...before you lose her! ...because it can happen...women HATE jealous men and insecure men...it's SO unattractive!!!

    Good luck to you!

     
    Old 05-25-2005, 04:48 PM   #5
    Mike76
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    Re: Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    All the insecurities are mine and I have no reason to be jealous. I have just always been an anxious person and I am not used to spectacular things like her lasting for me. So I am always wondering when is it gonna end. But I need to change I love her too much to be like this.

     
    Old 05-25-2005, 05:20 PM   #6
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    Re: Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hrf1220

    The point of my post is - you need to change....quickly...before you lose her! ...because it can happen...women HATE jealous men and insecure men...it's SO unattractive!!!
    ...or perhaps he should change for himself?

     
    Old 05-26-2005, 08:24 AM   #7
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    Re: Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mike76
    All the insecurities are mine and I have no reason to be jealous. I have just always been an anxious person and I am not used to spectacular things like her lasting for me. So I am always wondering when is it gonna end. But I need to change I love her too much to be like this.
    Ok, now that I know this about your relationship, itís safe to say that you just suffer from low self-esteem. I've been in this situation also and I know how badly feeling this way can distort your sense of reality. Like I said in my earlier post, you probably have too many negative thoughts floating around in your head and you believe them! You gotta break this pattern now before it gets any worse and destroys your relationship.

    Even though low self-esteem problems go WAY beyond just relationships, for some reason this is where the problems become most evident and destructive...I know how it feels man...giving your heart to someone when you aren't secure about yourself has got to be one of the scariest things a person can do. Being anxiety prone makes the smallest things seem like a HUGE problem and it seems like an insurmountable task to overcome this...but it isn't! There are ways you can help yourself, but you gotta be willing to dig deep, admit you have a problem, and seek a solution.

    In my opinion, the very first thing you should do is tell your girlfriend the truth about your insecurities and anxiety. You have to reassure her that you really love her, this isn't her fault, and she isn't doing anything to deserve whats been going on lately. You have to tell her this now because its going to take time to fix your problems...it won't happen overnight. In the meantime, if she understands that you are going through some troubles right now, she will be much more understanding of your behavior, know that she isn't to blame which will spare HER self-esteem, and at the same time she can help you get through it. Trust me when I tell you this, you have a MUCH better chance of keeping her around if you tell her the truth about your anxiety rather than trying to hide it from her...I learned this from experience bro. The majority of women are extremely compassionate and understanding, but you gotta tell them the truth. Here's another pearl for ya...Women Respect Honesty!

    So how do you solve this problem? Well, there are a number of ways, and they all involve at least some kind of medical treatment whether it is counseling, medications, self-help books, or all three. I know most guys are extremely against seeing someone to help problems like this...it doesn't seem very manly and it almost feels like you are admitting to yourself that you are some kind of a wimp or wussy, doesn't it? The truth is, it takes more strength to overcome something like this than it does to just sit around and let it eat away at you for the rest of your life. It makes you more of a man to stand up to it and take action.

    If you are hesitant to go see someone first or talk to your family doctor about it, I would recommend you pick up a copy of the book "10 Days To Self-Esteem" by Dr. David Burns. Of course the title is mostly marketing BS, of course itís going to take longer than that, but it is an excellent book that will open your eyes to your problems. People have written some pretty amazing reviews on how well it has helped them. It could be worth the $15.00 or whatever it cost...itís cheap.

    So to conclude, what you are going to have to do is admit you have jealousy problems to your girlfriend and take action to correct it immediately. Here is another pearl...When a woman sees her man go through adversity, it isn't the problem that matters...its how her man HANDLES IT that makes the difference....Women love take charge, action-oriented men.

    Last edited by CFD 333; 05-26-2005 at 04:37 PM.

     
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