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    Old 05-26-2005, 05:17 AM   #1
    kaamom
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    second guessing my feelings for my husband

    Hi everybody,
    I am soooo glad I came across this message board, I have been struggling with some emotions for a week now and I am about to crawl out of my skin.
    My husband and I have been married for 19 years this June and we have 3 kids almost teenages now. As some of you have posted our feelings do change as we get older and are together for so long. I know my husband is my soul mate and we have a great relationship, we laugh and talk, we respect and cherish each other,we are each others best friend, but over the years the lust and sex part has changed, due to kids, work, stress about bills, the usual daily life stresses everybody has.
    Im going thru this change of life situation right now and its not menopause either, its me not liking me, my job, my weight, its me wanting a change, I guess im bored with life and want something more. Now dont get me wrong, im not going to take off and leave my husband and kids, its just I needed something in my life that is different than the usual daily hum drum life. I am the June Cleaver of this era, I have always done things by the book, and never do anything out of the ordinary until recently.
    At work there was a guy that was nice to me and we became friends, now, I have never had feelings for another guy other than my husband. Well this man was the complete opposite of hy husband in every way, maybe thats what attracted me to him. We never did anything sexually, just a little flirting and joking, nothing really at all. Last week he and his girlfriend moved away, and the last day of work we shared the most sweet and memorable kiss goodbye, not just a peck on the cheek, but a real nice kiss, and I cant get it out of my head, I have been crying on and off for a few days and my husband doesnt know what the heck is wrong with me haha.
    Now im having second thoughts about how I feel about my husband because I havent felt those kind of feelings in a long time, not since we were first dating.
    Since I have read some of your posts I feel so much better because I thought I was falling out of love with him and I know its not true, can somebody please respond to me and make me feel better about my marriage, and that im not an awful person for having feelings for another man,
    thanks for listening Kaamom

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    Last edited by kaamom; 05-29-2005 at 04:52 AM. Reason: want to change word in Title

     
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    Old 05-26-2005, 05:30 AM   #2
    kaamom
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    Yea I did it,
    Yes today I learned to copy and paste, not bad for a 41 year old haha. I want to thank those of you who replied to me on the saving my marriage message board.You made me feel so much better about my feelings for my husband. I guess we are just in a rut. I cant remember all the questions you had asked me before but I can tell you an answer for one of the questions.
    No my husband and I dont go out on dates once a week, its more like once every 3-4 weeks. I can tell you that for our Anniversary we are going to go away to the ocean for the weekend. Its the first time we have gone away alone since we were married. They do stay at my mothers house over night maybe once every 3-4 months.
    If anybody can relate to my situation please reply and give me some advice, Thanks so much for listening, I know i'm rambling on and on and on, HA HA. Have a good day Kaamom

     
    Old 05-26-2005, 05:38 AM   #3
    goody2shuz
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    You did great, Kaamom And just so you have my initial response on your very own thread I am copying & pasting my original response so you will have it to refer to if need be. So here goes.....

    In response to your post, I am married just about the same amount of time (18 years) with two teens. I have been in your shoes in the sense of feeling that the passion and excitement had fizzled from my marriage. You are welcome to do a search from my profile and find the thread "Married 15 Years....Happily Ever After???" It certainly will show you that this is common but most importantly something that can definitely be fixed. It is a rather long thread but something you may find useful.

    Now....in my case the bedroom intimacy was never a problem, in fact it was wonderful. It was the nonsexual intimacy that was lacking....the dating, the hand holding, the touches and gentle pats on the butt The things that made your heart leap and reminded you that you still had his heart. As you & I both know, raising teens has got to be one of the most scariest rollercoaster rides ever in one's life. And I'm still on it never knowing when the next drop is going to take place. This places and unbelievable amount of stress and energy on a marriage as does everything else that walks through your door. And it will definitely take it's toll on a marriage. I believe that this is where you're at. Okay....you miss the passion and romance and excitement as you should. And you made a little mistake....you wanted that kiss from your husband and there was nothing wrong with that. Okay, it went a little further than you wanted but it's okay, you want your husband and to reignite the spark. And you don't know how to go about doing it.

    In order for things to change you are going to have to change. In my situation it involved my comunication with my husband. Looking back I did an awful lot of complaining or held alot of stuff in until it exploded. This led to what I often refer to as a domino effect in which my husband would shut down (too much complaining) and I would shut down (I'm the only one doing anything & won't anymore) and we had created a mess The end result was no passion, no dates, no romance and unhappiness. It wasn't until I came here seeking advice that I learned about ways in which I could get my husband to better respond to my needs. I changed my attitude and mindset to one of warmth and sunshine. I suggested things that I needed, held his hand more, massaged his back when talking to him and told him how good it felt when he reciprocated. At first I recall describing this as "walking on eggshells". But over time it evolved more naturally and improved our marriage in terms of intimacy.

    I guess we need to know what it is that you are missing and specifically how things are with you & your husband. Do you go out on dates??? Do you communicate well??? I would love to help you out and help you restore the passion in your marriage. But first you have to cut yourself a little slack....I know you feel guilty for that kiss but you have to remember that we all make mistakes and what is most important is that you want that kind of kiss & passion with you husband. Right????.......Goody

    Now we need to know if you wanted that kiss from your honey....we're waiting for an answer..... Please let us know some of the answers to the questions so we can best help you.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 05-26-2005 at 05:43 AM.

     
    Old 05-26-2005, 02:42 PM   #4
    heartlandguy
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    Kaamom, I also copied my initial response from the thread where you first posted to make it easier to reference. As you know by now, your responders on that other thread want to support your husband's and your efforts to improve your marriage. Where would you like to start? -Heartland


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kaamom
    I know my husband is my soul mate and we have a great relationship, we laugh and talk, we respect and cherish each other,we are each others best friend, but over the years the lust and sex part has changed, due to kids, work, stress about bills, the usual daily life stresses everybody has.
    Kaamom, your quote could have been mine about 10-15 years ago. If Iím guessing right, you have loads of pent-up passion but your marriage has changed such that your husband and you canít share it so you feel like you are going to explode. If that is right, your husband is probable feeling the same wayÖ like I did back then.

    If you are still with me, the problem is that both of you have put your priorities on your kids, home and financial security. Your love is like a seed on a dry rock, waiting to spring forth once it gets the slightest bit of nourishment. Now you struggle because you see more nourishment outside of your marriage than within.

    Itís all about priorities. Back when you and your husband dated enough to know you had something special, you two were each otherís top priority. As youíve seen in this thread, distorted priorities can be straightened outÖ even after a long period of neglect. Also, as youíve seen here, someone has to take the lead for turning things around. In my marriage, it was me. Almost like a chore, the person who is most affected by lost romance and affection will end up having to relight the torch and keep it lit. Iíve found that to be a small price to pay for having things much like they were before having kids, etc. Granted, being empty nesters makes it much easier but if I realized while the kids were home how easy it is to improve things, I would have jumped at the opportunity.

    Kaamom, your post says that you are human and your heart is still alive! A 50% divorce rate says you certainly are not alone. Maybe this thread will give you enough hope for you to start revitalizing your own marriage. Best wishes!

     
    Old 05-28-2005, 06:38 AM   #5
    BLUE EYED LADY
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    Hi,
    I initially responded on Boxgirl's thread to your situatiuon. I am going to copy and paste most of my initial response on your thread and on we go!!

    Hi Kaamom,
    I would also like to welcome you to the board. You came to the right place for marriage advice!!!
    I will be married for 19 years next week, so like Goody and Heartland, I feel I am qualified to offer advice.
    I also think it would be in your best interests to start your own thread. Just copy and paste what you wrote already. From what you have shared with us, you have ALMOST ALL the components of what a great marriage should have, you have good communication, you laugh together, you respect each other, and you are each other's best friend. You will have NO problem getting back the spark if you both just change some things. You have a much better chance to restore your relationship than most marriages, because you have a great foundation.
    Now, I'd like to ask you some questions:
    1) It sounds like you work outside the home. Is that correct?
    2) It sounds like money is tight, is that correct?
    3) Do you and your husband go on weekly or bi- weekly dates? I have a feeling the answer is no.
    I have alot to say about the questions I asked you, but I am going to wait for you to start your own thread. I will then copy and paste what I have already written on your thread.
    Remember, you did the first step by coming for help. Heartland and Goody offer great advice. You'll be amazed that you will one day look back and rejoice at how things have changed for the better. Now let's get started!!!!!

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 05-28-2005 at 06:41 AM.

     
    Old 05-29-2005, 04:54 AM   #6
    kaamom
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    Hi I just wanted to let you know that I;m trying to change the title of my thread to second guessing my feelings for my husband
    kaamom

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 07:59 PM   #7
    BLUE EYED LADY
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    Hi Kaamon,
    How are you? Did you open another thread? I was hoping you would provide the answers to my questions so that we could try and help.

     
    Old 06-03-2005, 10:09 AM   #8
    kaamom
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    Re: second guessing my marriage

    Hi Blue Eyed Lady,
    Yes I did open another thread, but I dont like the title I made it so I think i'm going to change it. I think Im going to make it CONFUSED, because I'm soooo confused right now, I dont know what to do.
    Remember I told you about the guy at work and that he moved away, well it took me 5 days of crying but I realized how silly I was being, having a crush on somebody other than my husband. Like I said I have never felt like that about anybody other than my husband.Im the June Cleaver of this Era. Well the other day the other guy called work to say Hi to my manager because they are friends and after they talked he wanted to say Hi to me, when I answered the phone and found that it was him my heart melted, I told him about how his leaving affected me and he was happily suprised, he wondered why I never said anything about my feelings before, but how could I, I'm not supposed to have these kind of feelings, i'm married and thats a big no no. plus he is engaged. He said he missed me so much and he had feelings for me too.
    I'm in such a big mess, what am I supposed to do? I love my husband very very much and would never hurt him in any way, I even told him when we were first married that if he ever cheated on me or beat me I would leave him and here I am with feelings for another man. What kind of person am I. I hate myself. What am I suppoed to do. I miss the other man so much and he said he is coming back some time for a visit, I really want to see him, AHHHHHH HELP ME! Kaamom

     
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