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    Old 05-27-2005, 08:32 AM   #1
    SophiaM
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    Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Ok, so I had a really fun and long conversation with the new guy I met on the dating site last night, but I chickened out of asking him about the disappearance of his profile (which is still gone). He's going away for the weekend with his friends, but I'm supposed to see him again on Monday. So now my dillemma is, I feel a little "guilty" logging into the website and corresponding with other guys. On top of everything, I just received a few emails from guys who seem intelligent, good looking, and overall just as attractive-sounding as the New Guy (NG). From what NG says, it looks like he's made quite a few travel plans for this summer, so I don't suppose I'll be seeing that much of him. Do you think it would be wrong going out on dates with other guys in the meantime?

    That's what I really find so awkward about online dating: it's too many options and I have never in my life dated more than one man at a time. I usually just concentrated on getting to know one guy and he--on getting to know me. Dating a few people at the same time somehow dillutes the developing connection, I feel, but maybe I'm wrong Any thoughts on that?

     
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    Old 05-27-2005, 08:44 AM   #2
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Sophia ~ You shouldn't feel the least bit awkward about lining up dates with other guys unless you see yourself in a monogamous exclusive relationship with this NG. That's what online dating is all about. You will know when the time is right in terms of meeting other guys....when you have found someone special enough you will on your own, without the prompting of anyone else decide it's time to stop. Until then, I say talk to the other guys and get to know them and eventually you will find the one who wants you one on one and who you wnat to see one on one. I have a feeling that you are afraid that NG will see that you have still been online looking at other prospects. This can be a good thing, because he will see that you are not necessarily waiting on just him and if the time comes that he wants exclusivity in with you he will be more apt to let you know. Just don't make it a game, if you do not see yourself as being exclusive with NG then there is certainly no problem with you exploring other options. You certainly do not want to miss out on the opportunity of meeting a guy who will be one that you will be better matched with. This is great.....I say go with it and look into these other "just as attractive-sounding guys". If NG has seen you logging in then he may question you and you can be honest that until someone has agreed to become exclusive with you that it's all part of dating whether in an online sense or real world sense. And then he will be almost forced to identify his view of how he sees your relationship in terms of exclusivity (if there's such a word ) No guilt, Sophia, in trying to find Mr. Right........Goody

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 09:02 AM   #3
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    I have to agree with Goody here. Don't feel bad about dating other people at the same time. It is always good to keep an open mind and not exclude too many people. Who knows, maybe the guy you are seeing now is doing the same thing and ends up not wanting to see you in 1 month time because he found someone else and then you are stranded with no one else to date. Or maybe the guy you are seeing now turns up being a weirdo and then the Mr.Right that wanted to date you ends up meeting someone else because you turned him down. And not all first, second, third or even 4th date end up anywhere anyways. It might sound shallow but it is true, "shop around" a little bit and see what is out there.

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 09:07 AM   #4
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    I agree with Goody, Sophia. I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty, especially if you don't have any explicit understanding with NG that you both will be exclusive. If he's not going to be around much this summer, and you stay tied to him, you might just miss out on a really great guy that you could really love waiting for the fall to come and settle NG down. Then, if you and NG don't last, you're back at square one. Not good. Feel free to date around and see other men. Consider yourself lucky that too many options is your problem!!!! My love life should be so problematic!!!

    Unless you have talked about it and have reached an understanding, then I think it goes without saying that you both are free to date other people. Take your time in getting to know all of them, and don't worry about "making a connection." If I may be so bold, perhaps this is where you have gone wrong in the past? Trying to focus on making a connection instead of letting happen naturally. Personally I find that you don't make connections, they find you. the ones worth connecting, anyway.

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 09:11 AM   #5
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Thanks. I guess my main concern is that after 2 or 3 dates, these guys want to kiss me, hold hands, etc. I find it strange to, say, go on date # 3 on Friday with Bachellor #1 and kiss him at the end of it, and then Saturday night go out with Bachellor #2 and hold his hand and kiss him too, assuming I find both attractive and vice versa. You know what I mean? Just seems kinda hypocritical. How do other girls get around it?

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 09:19 AM   #6
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    I agree with Goody, Sophia. I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty, especially if you don't have any explicit understanding with NG that you both will be exclusive. If he's not going to be around much this summer, and you stay tied to him, you might just miss out on a really great guy that you could really love waiting for the fall to come and settle NG down. Then, if you and NG don't last, you're back at square one. Not good. Feel free to date around and see other men. Consider yourself lucky that too many options is your problem!!!! My love life should be so problematic!!!

    Unless you have talked about it and have reached an understanding, then I think it goes without saying that you both are free to date other people. Take your time in getting to know all of them, and don't worry about "making a connection." If I may be so bold, perhaps this is where you have gone wrong in the past? Trying to focus on making a connection instead of letting happen naturally. Personally I find that you don't make connections, they find you. the ones worth connecting, anyway.
    Nini, I think you could have this "problem" too, if perhaps you could try just one more time! Just post a few flattering photos, and wait what happens It's not to say I'm bombarded with a barrage of really great candidates every day, like Stacy. With me it's in spurts. Some days I don't get emails from anyone remotely interesting, and then all of a sudden in one day I will get a few, and each of them seems promising. Out of these few, half will be flakes who are just writing to entertain themselves, and then I'll probably end up going on a date with only two of the bunch. That's how it works, for some reason.

    Well, in the past, I met my other boyfriends by "chance," and how many chance meetings do you have in a week? So of course, we were exclusive from the start. This multiple dating is almost strictly an online phenomenon. In real life we don't meet someone worth dating that often. I guess that's why it seems more "special" in a way.

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 09:51 AM   #7
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Thanks. I guess my main concern is that after 2 or 3 dates, these guys want to kiss me, hold hands, etc. I find it strange to, say, go on date # 3 on Friday with Bachellor #1 and kiss him at the end of it, and then Saturday night go out with Bachellor #2 and hold his hand and kiss him too, assuming I find both attractive and vice versa. You know what I mean? Just seems kinda hypocritical. How do other girls get around it?
    Remember the saying.......you've gotta kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince??? Well this is one of those times that this saying comes in handy
    So don't worry about kissing a few guys (not that that's the most important thing ) but it doesn't hurt knowing if he's a good kisser too. Besides...there's a great song "It's in his kiss.....that's where it is" You will get an idea on how a guy feels about you in his kiss too. So.....stop the worrying and have some fun. Sophia, we know you enough to know that you're not a player and these guys will know that too once they get to know you. So relax and have fun. BTW...are any of these guys Long Islanders????
    Hehehehehehehehehe ~ Goody

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 10:00 AM   #8
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Thanks. I guess my main concern is that after 2 or 3 dates, these guys want to kiss me, hold hands, etc. I find it strange to, say, go on date # 3 on Friday with Bachellor #1 and kiss him at the end of it, and then Saturday night go out with Bachellor #2 and hold his hand and kiss him too, assuming I find both attractive and vice versa. You know what I mean? Just seems kinda hypocritical. How do other girls get around it?
    What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Guys do the exact same thing and they don't feel one bit guilty about! They date several women at the same time until they find one they want to be exclusive with.

    It's a good idea to do this because then you won't get too wrapped up in one man. You really need to read the book I told about called "date like a man".

    I feel a little uncomfortable doing this too, but I'm working on it. Of course, I don't get quite as many responses because of my age and it seems like the ones that do respond I'm just not that attracted to! I'm really attracted to younger men. I don't look my age at all, most people have told me I look early 40's to 45 and I still have my high school figure!

    I'm getting some reservations about Nick now, although I had high hopes in the beginning. I went back to look at his ad, and it said it was last changed in September 2004. The last time we went out he said he had been divorced for 4 months; why did he post the ad in September 2004 if he was still married??? Something is fishy here. Also, I think maybe he is meeting a woman in New Orleans and I just have this overall feeling that he is not being honest with me.

    Yesterday was the first day I didn't receive a daily email, which is okay. But, I think it's rather strange that he hardly ever calls!

    I have a couple of attractive men right now that I'm setting up lunch dates with. Both of them are also going out of town for the weekend.

    If I were you, I wouldn't fee one bit guilty!

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 10:04 AM   #9
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    [QUOTE=greeneyes100]What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Guys do the exact same thing and they don't feel one bit guilty about! They date several women at the same time until they find one they want to be exclusive with.


    Some of them feel very guilty. I know exactly what she is talking about. Its tough

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 10:31 AM   #10
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    [QUOTE=CoreyP]
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by greeneyes100
    What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Guys do the exact same thing and they don't feel one bit guilty about! They date several women at the same time until they find one they want to be exclusive with.


    Some of them feel very guilty. I know exactly what she is talking about. Its tough
    See, my dear friend Corey agrees

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 10:38 AM   #11
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    The recommended rotation is 3, 4 is to many to keep track of, 2 is not enough and you run the risk of getting attached to 1 of them to early. If you meet another you like better, simply drop the 1 you like least. Do this gently, as you may decide to add him back in later. Have fun.
    Sex with them IS NOT recommended.

    Last edited by evy38; 05-27-2005 at 10:40 AM.

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 10:40 AM   #12
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by greeneyes100
    I'm getting some reservations about Nick now, although I had high hopes in the beginning. I went back to look at his ad, and it said it was last changed in September 2004. The last time we went out he said he had been divorced for 4 months; why did he post the ad in September 2004 if he was still married??? Something is fishy here. Also, I think maybe he is meeting a woman in New Orleans and I just have this overall feeling that he is not being honest with me.

    Yesterday was the first day I didn't receive a daily email, which is okay. But, I think it's rather strange that he hardly ever calls!

    I have a couple of attractive men right now that I'm setting up lunch dates with. Both of them are also going out of town for the weekend.

    If I were you, I wouldn't fee one bit guilty!
    Hmm, that is somewhat concerning about Nick. So he posted his profile when he was still married to the Greek wife? Is it possible that he was separated from her already? You mentioned that she just lived with him for some time after the marriage was basically over because she was in the process of moving back to Greece. Am I correct? About the phonecalls, why don't you ask him why he prefers to email most of the time? I have to say I wouldn't like that too much either. If I like someone, I really enjoy hearing their voice; email just doesn't seem as personal, but perhaps I'm just old-fashioned. Don't jump into any conclusions just yet. Continue to date him and observe his behavior. And have fun with the other two dates!

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 11:37 AM   #13
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    In the book I mentioned, it says to have "a pair and a spare"! In other words, no more than three at one time. You don't want to be consistently available to only one man because he might get the impression that no one else wants you or finds you desirable. In that book, it says that you should date your favorite one for two or three weeks consistently and then just "disappear" for a week. It really peaks a man's interest.

    I personally think that when a man makes a firm commitment with a woman it's because he's afraid of LOSING her.

    That way, if you date other men, and are not consistently available and at the beck and call of JUST ONE MAN (even though he may be your favorite), he will think, "Gee, she must have a lot of men interested." And, well, I know it sounds dishonest, but actually it peaks a man's interest when he knows you are not the center of his life and sitting by the phone waiting for his calls. It's easy to get them interested in the beginning, but it's KEEPING THEM INTERESTED that takes work and initiative, and YES, maybe some good old fashioned game playing! We are not being dishonest, we are just watching out for No. 1.

    Last edited by greeneyes100; 05-27-2005 at 11:38 AM.

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 11:40 AM   #14
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    hummm, is this online dating thing getting really popular or what? Forgive me if I seem nieve, I just never thought regular people actually did the online dating thing. How does it work and is it dangerous and inpersonel as it sounds . Good luck sounds like everyone has a little adventure going on at least. I guess just try and have fun. I am really out of whack here obviously and out of touch it seems.

     
    Old 05-27-2005, 02:36 PM   #15
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    Re: Dating Multiple People at the same time--good or bad?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by zoe's
    hummm, is this online dating thing getting really popular or what? Forgive me if I seem nieve, I just never thought regular people actually did the online dating thing. How does it work and is it dangerous and inpersonel as it sounds . Good luck sounds like everyone has a little adventure going on at least. I guess just try and have fun. I am really out of whack here obviously and out of touch it seems.
    I prefer online dating to the bar scene. At least you can screen your dates to a certain degree. Just remember to always meet them in a public place for the first time and don't give them your number if it can be traced to your house or something like that. Most of the pepole I have met online have actually looked like their pics, except for a few, and were mostly just busy professionals who were tired of clubbing and just didn't have the time.

    I don't know, but the bars where I live, I've only met a lot of drunks and people who work at the plants in town. Of course, if I lived in a big city like New York or Chicago, they have nicer places to go. I think it's possible to meet someone in a bar, and that you should not rule out bars due to the sheer volume of available singles.

    I dated one man I met in a bar for about 3 years, but he was the only one that ended up long term, and then I finally broke up with him because he wouldn't commit.

    I met another man at work that I dated for 3 years also, and this time, it was me who didn't want to commit. So, it goes both ways. Guess I'm starting to ramble, but online dating is very popular now and a great tool for meeting new people. Don't be afraid to try! Good luck!

     
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