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falling apart

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Old 05-29-2005, 10:14 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 5
mtbody HB User
falling apart

I am new here and never posted on a board before..I will try to be brief..I been married 22 years and the last 15 years I feel like I been in a prison. I have told my husband many years I did not marry him for love and I only stayed in the marriage for the childern which are now all grown and I want to leave but feel guilty and health problems worry me to make it on my own and he claims he loves me and cares but does so many things behind my back and has no real answer for doing them like taking my name off our checking account but said I would find out sooner or later, had me driving with no insurance which I found out a year later, these things I over looked but he continues to do them and now it is to the point where he has said things to the kids where they think I am a bad person and wont speak to me and why they will not say and we went to counsoling but he wont speak up and said he will only say what they need to hear so why do I let myself stay here and why cant I make myself leave and I cry all the time and he says stop balling and he begs me to stay when I say I have to go. Says he will fight me all the way on a divorce and when I try to hug him he dont hug me back and intimintcy has not been in this marriage for 20 years its a bim bam its over thing once every few months which is ok as I dont care for it anyways. I am trying to start my own business and he is totally not supportive at all but yet I support his business all the way. I just need help in knowing how to live out on my own and where to go as I have no money for a lawyer or anything. Will I regret it later..I been on antidepressants for years even my doctor says to leave. I am falling

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Old 05-30-2005, 03:05 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,774
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: falling apart

You definitely can't say in a marriage such as yours. You deserve to love and be loved in return. Staying together for security reasons is not a good marriage, but a lot of people do it. They usually end up having affairs and things like that though.

Do you have some type of skill or job you can do? You said your kids are grown now, so you won't have to worry about supporting them, only yourself, am I correct? Or, maybe, your children could live with your husband if he is able to support them and you could have joint custody.

I think you should get a job as soon as possible. You will feel much less dependent on your husband. Actually, if you don't have any skills, waitressing pays quite well, depending on where you work. My daughter works at I-Hop. She does the breakfast shift from 8:00 a.m. to about 4:00 p.m., and she made $100 in tips yesterday. She usually averages around $60 to $100 per shift plus her checks every two weeks.

First, you need to be able to support yourself and then you can get your own apartment and start looking out for your own needs and getting some counselling, if needed. They have counsellors who work with people on a sliding scale according to their income.

It's hard to make changes sometimes, but it's necessary in order to grow and become and a better person. Good luck!

Old 05-30-2005, 06:04 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,039
realguy HB User
Re: falling apart

You"ve been telling your husband you didn"t marry him for love, for many years now. You think he does things purposely because he is angered/disappointed by your revelation?
Sometimes you get back what you put into a relationship.
Get a job, move out and deal with the hardships of starting over. In the end, you will learn how to take care of yourself and he can find a person who wants him for love. You will probably get along with each other, better than you do now.

Old 05-30-2005, 04:58 PM   #4
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 26
sarahg HB User
Re: falling apart

I agree with previous posters. You have only one life and so does he. Get out of it. Whatever he is showing you is his "ownership of you" not love. Sure, it would be handy to have you around to take care of him and if you didn't love him till now, he obviously doesn't care.

Sit down and start counting how many years of active, healthy life you have ahead of you (if you are lucky). And then make decision if you want to spend those years miserable like you are now or give yourself another chance to meet someone you will love and who will love you. There is someone for everybody, but if you don't find him, you still will be better of than with your husband in loveless marriage. You will make new friends and even though you will have a doubts at first, you will end up much more content.

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