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    Old 05-31-2005, 06:09 AM   #1
    FortzaT
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    I've never been in love with my wife

    This is a tough letter to write because just putting it down into words now makes it real and takes it off the shelf in the back of my mind. Iíve been married over 6 years now and Iím not sure Iíve ever been in love with my wife. I care deeply for her and feel a responsibility for her emotional and other needs and I just donít want to hurt her. She is my best friend, but I donít have romantic feelings for her. There just isnít chemistry and I donít think there ever really was any.

    Why did I marry her? Thatís a long story, but I will try and just summarize it as much as I can. I had a lot of relationship hang ups in my youth due mainly to a bad breakup when I was young and obsessive religious ideas (which I have long discarded). The result of these two issues was a lot of years being alone. So, when I met my wife, I was lonely and she was sweet and we had fun together and maybe I married her because I thought I just didnít want to be alone anymore.

    Flash forward to now. We get along very well and still communicate and do pretty much everything together. The problem is, I am not physically attracted to her Ė though she is a beautiful woman. I canít make myself want her and I know this frustrates her. We have been able to somehow deal with this, with an occasional fight here and there about lack of intimacy. But, we are comfortable together otherwise. My problem compounded however, when I met another young lady who I am attracted to. I have not acted on this, nor do I plan to, but have become friends with this woman. This has caused me distress because I see a contrast in my feelings for my wife and I see attributes in this other girl that I wish my wife had.

    I donít know how to put this in a kind way so I will just say it. This other girl has a more sophisticated understanding of life, of philosophy, of music, art, things that I am interested in and donít get from my wife. My IQ is quite a bit higher than my wifeís. I have a connection with this new girl that I have just never had with my wife.

    My dilemma over this is large. It would devastate my wife if I left her (as I said, we are best friends and I know her pretty well). Moreover, I donít want to leave her. I am comfortable in this relationship. I donít have to pursue something with this other girl to find ďhappinessĒ in my life. I mention her because she provided the contrast that forced me to ask the harder questions about our relationship. But, I donít want to have sex with my wife. This is unfair to her because she wants it and is unfulfilled. Iím really trapped between feelings of moral obligations and catch 22s here. Iím damned to leave her unfulfilled if nothing changes and Iím damned to hurting her and losing out on the close relationship with my best friend if we try to make changes.

    I hope someone here can offer perspective on this situation.

     
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    Old 05-31-2005, 06:57 AM   #2
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    You have said that "you don't need this other woman to find happiness in your life" but are you happy with your wife??? I mean, you say that you are comfortable....well brothers and sisters are comfortable as friends are comfortable but are you comfortably married and happily so???? Even if you are what about your wife & her needs for intimacy??? And what about yours??? How comfortable will your marriage be if things were to continue to go on this way??? I think that is what you must be looking at right now. And believe me, from a woman's point of view, it is far more hurtful living in a marriage that lacks intimacy and love than dealing with the honesty that you are not attracted to her physically. She will always wonder why and will eventually lose a sense of herself trying to figure it out. You need to be honest with your wife and share these feelings so that the two of you can figure out together how to go on from here. I mean, perhaps you are ready to go on another 20 years without physical intimacy but is it fair to assume that your wife is prepared to do the same??? You should give her the right to make her own choices as to how she wishes to proceed with this marriage after being given the truthful facts that she deserves. I believe that perhaps even with some counseling the two of you may be able to work through this. But bottomline, your wife deserves to know how you feel, not knowing will cause more damage and hurt in the end.......Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 05-31-2005 at 06:59 AM.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 07:31 AM   #3
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    Maybe it's easier to be attracted to somebody you are not involved with. Sometimes it's safer to have feelings for somebody when you do not deal with them on a day to day basis. You are safe with the other woman and can feel vunerable and your sexual feelings are safe and you know you won't act on them. It's so easy to have a crush on somebody but very hard to be in a relationship. Maybe you should see a counselor. I would also recommend reading about love in "The Road Less Traveled" He talks about the myth of romantic love and how real love only comes with time and effort.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 07:48 AM   #4
    kellis
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    I think that you are infatuated with this other woman because you don't have a real life with her. It's like fantasy world....but with your partner you live in the real world of bills,dirty laundry,fights,etc. so naturally this other situation looks way better to you.If you were to live on a day to day basis with this other woman, I guarantee you that after a while it would be just ordinary everyday problems. However, if you truely are not attracted to your wife, then I think that it's unfair to both of you to continue in this relationship. But ask yourself first what it is about her that you don't find attractive.....has she gained weight or just let herself go? If that's not the case, then you certainly can't force yourself to be attracted to someone if you're not. You really need to sit down with her and talk this out. Maybe you two were just meant to be good friends and nothing more. But she deserves to also have a lasting and intimate relationship with someone and if you can't provide that for her,then you're shortchanging her as well. It's a hard thing I know but sooner or later, you have to deal with this. I wish you two the best in whatever you decide to do. I hope that you can work this out without losing the friendship because it sounds like she's a sweet girl and you may never have a closer friendship with anyone else.Good luck in whatever you decide!
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    Old 05-31-2005, 08:13 AM   #5
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    Kellis,

    I agree with you about the infatuation issue. This is why I choose not to act on it. I only brought it up because it exposed the raw truth of the situation to me in a way I couldn't ignore any longer and still maintain a level of honesty. The real issue, as I think you have perceived, is the lack of chemistry for my wife. She has it for me, I don't for her (and no, she hasn't gained weight or changed dramatically since I first met her). A responder above and you both have pointed out that it is unfair to her if I am not honest about the situation. I agree. This is unfair and it is my dilemma. I don't want to lose what we have together but I also don't want her to feel frustrated and left questioning her own self worth. She deserves to have fullfillment in her life. I will think on your responses some and hope that others continue to contribute.

    All of your responses are much appreciated and I am taking them to heart as I consider this situation further. Thank you.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 09:23 AM   #6
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    #1 IF you are determined to remain in your marriage, this "friendship" must end if it includes any meetings or private communications between the two of you.

    #2 If you wish for intellectual discussion then join a political action group, or a book discussion, or toastmasters. Don't justify an extramarital relationship (physical OR emotional) with someone else on your IQ or your wife's.

    #3 Has your wife expressed disatisfaction with her love life? Some women are fine with very infrequent physical expressions if the love, companionship & affection are there. (Ok everyone, I KNOW that's not true of everyone - but it IS true of some)

    #4 You don't mention if there are children or not.

    You seem to be an intelligent, articulate and faithful man. Besides resolving NOT to nurture extramarital "friendships" I'm not sure what I would tell you to do differently from what you are doing now.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 10:09 AM   #7
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    As a woman about to be married, I would be heartbroken to learn that my husband to be married me with different intentions. Marriage is about the next step. It means you become this persons lover as well as friend. Marriage is not just about being comfortable with someone. Its sharing a mutual connection with another human being.
    I think it is wonderful that you found someone like your wife. With whom you have all these feelings for. I think you should take into consideration her true feelings.Not what she might display otherwise.Its too easy to hide true feelings.Fear is a powerful thing.I hope you find the courage to overcome your fears. It may be hard to live with for a little while, for the both of you,but once the truth has come out and the initial anger or bitterness,or saddness has come and gone...the truth will only put you,and her for that matter, in a better state of mind.Telling her how you feel might break her heart.But don't you think it would be best in the long run?I wish you alot of luck in this.Relationships can be very difficult at times.I hope you do find happiness within yourself and with whatever decision you choose.
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    Old 05-31-2005, 02:43 PM   #8
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    Well as a woman who's husband "doesn't seem to want to have sex with me," you've probably already hurt her, just by being physically absent from the relationship. Even if you are still having a physical relationship with her, she can tell if you "aren't really into it" so to speak. So, more than likely she is already questioning her worth and sexuality, but has been afraid to bring it up with you.

    I guess I would suggest counseling for yourself first to help sort out the issues as to what it is you really want from your marriage.

    You say that nothing physical will come of the relationship with this other woman, but the fact that you bring her up in the same post where you state you aren't attracted to your wife tells me otherwise. Are you looking for someone to give you the "okay" to pursue this other woman because she has more in common with you?

    How do you know that your wifes IQ is lower than yours? Has she been tested and has it been compared to yours?

    Have you tried to involve your wife in the things that interest you? Or, do you just assume because her IQ is supposedly lower than yours that she wouldn't be interested?

    These are all things to consider before you move on either in this marriage or out of it.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 08:42 PM   #9
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    wow man this is a very difficult situtation here..

    he married without love to a good woman and now wants to of course end the relationship which will cause a huge amount of pain for both. Very distressing, tragic. May I ask how old are you?

    You know the best thing to do is being honest. Do you guys think counseling would really work? YOu dont love her and never have so, married with wrong reasons so there is not way to fix it unless you decide to make the marriage work for good. She will need a phsycologist and probably take antidepressants to go through the grieving process of lossing you. Is there any children?

    I really have never heard of someone divorcing a good person. And really sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until we loose it. Not always the grass is greener in the other side. This sitatuation requires lots of thought and praying on it. I hope you make the right decision.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 08:53 PM   #10
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    That is a sad situation, for both of them. The sad thing is that she's probably a really "nice" woman. From what I've learned so far in life, it doesn't seem like most men or women happen to have the sexual desire for someone "nice" but kinda "boring." He said himself she's a beautiful woman. I bet if she started acting a little bit more challenging, and wasn't such a sure bet from the start, he would totally be attracted to her. So sad to read this story.

     
    Old 05-31-2005, 11:04 PM   #11
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    Re: I've never been in love with my wife

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by FortzaT
    Kellis,

    I agree with you about the infatuation issue. This is why I choose not to act on it. I only brought it up because it exposed the raw truth of the situation to me in a way I couldn't ignore any longer and still maintain a level of honesty. The real issue, as I think you have perceived, is the lack of chemistry for my wife. She has it for me, I don't for her (and no, she hasn't gained weight or changed dramatically since I first met her). A responder above and you both have pointed out that it is unfair to her if I am not honest about the situation. I agree. This is unfair and it is my dilemma. I don't want to lose what we have together but I also don't want her to feel frustrated and left questioning her own self worth. She deserves to have fullfillment in her life. I will think on your responses some and hope that others continue to contribute.

    All of your responses are much appreciated and I am taking them to heart as I consider this situation further. Thank you.
    I really think you should say exactly what you listed here..."I don't want to lose what we have together but I also don't want her to feel frustrated and left questioning her own self worth." This could be a very good way to express to her how you are feeling. I promise you that she is ALREADY questioning her own self worth. You know this too. Please talk to her. Don't allow her to go on feeling this way simply because it will be difficult to deliver. It's never easy to hurt those we care for, but you are hurting her more by keeping silent. Also, a previous poster asked if there was something about her that you didn't find attractive....how about, is there something she could DO that could make you more physically attracted to her? Could she dress a little differently? Wear makeup? Maybe a new hairstyle? Most women are open to suggestions from thier husbands/partners as long as it doesn't mean changing EVERYTHING or feeling out of their element. Some women just don't know what it is that is considered attractive. And before everyone gets all puffed up and says "she shouldn't have to change how she is to please him", that's not what I'm saying. I'm simply asking if there were something about her that he would like to see altered. Me personally, I am always open to suggestions from my hubby....for example, he likes it when I wear white. Or a certain cut jeans that flatter my butt. Or, I've had red hair, blonde hair, brown hair and he likes it blonde best. We all have preferences whether we like to admit it or not. What are yours?

    Just something to think about.....but whatever you do, don't try to make her into this other women....

    Also, like someone else asked: have you tried to get her more involved/educated in the areas that interest you?

    This is a very very sad situation, and I wish you the very best of luck.

    :
    Lil'Pea

     
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