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  • Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

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    Old 06-01-2005, 01:42 AM   #1
    Tatu
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    Unhappy Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Alright so this is my story. I was going to make it short and sweet but you know what, here's the whole damn thing. If one person reads it I'll be surprised, but very grateful. If you don't care about my life story just go to post #2, it'll be shorter and the second half of that is what actually happened to bring me down.

    So It's a few days after my senior prom that I ended up going to with a friend of a friend to the prom, and this girl with a reputation for her boobs to the afterprom, as I had no one to call my own nor the guts to ask anyone i liked. I'm off to a punk/ska concert after being invited by a couple of friends i know in one of the bands, after hours of deliberating whether or not i should go, i finally called up this big breasted girl, also a friend of one of the band members, and pick her up. Well that's about where the big breasts end, as sure enough i busted my lip open and had to go to the emergency room, running red lights on the way, but taking time out to drop her off home and never seeing her again to this very day. Surprisingly, in my first solo-visit to an emergency room after just turning 18 earlier that year, It took less time for them to attend to my gashed mouth than to my severely broken an completely displaced foot about 6 months earlier. So, having already paid my admission, what better to do than return to the show.


    Upon my return, i noticed quite the attractive female opposite me looking bored to death. My eyes kept following her all night, which was easy as she rarely moved. Of course, I was by no means brave enough to go say anything to her, but out of sheer luck i found her screen name online, added it to my buddy list and she was actually online. We talked and I quickly grew interested, this girl was a breath of fresh air in my generally bleak and hidden life. Eventually we did hang out, and at first I was nothing close to charming, but I must have had enough decent moments to keep her interested enough to keep talking to me. I, of course, was so optomistic about this great turn of fortune, that i quickly brushed aside any time she mentioned this name, "Dan" that she sometimes murmored. And sure, sometimes our conversations would turn into delayed robotic functions, and i knew she was talking to this Dan fellow, but I kept my interest. She went off to Italy, and we didnt talk so much. Finally the summer had progressed and I was now off to college.

    I would meet new people and find some new crushes. But, still had this girl on my list. One day, per chance, I'd send her another message. It turns out she had been through a lot. This fellow Dan she apparently liked and I guess he didn't take to well with her going to Italy and just dropped out of her life. It hit her hard and she says it broke her heart, but i hoped she could get over it as we started growing closer again. She had her incidents with alcohol and drugs, and despite not being 'together', one hit me hard. We had spent some time together after she drank herself on christmas eve and things perhaps looked brighter, and i was definately still interested. I still had a crush or two back at school, but i don't know this girl was different. Soon my crushes at school were history, and I was involved with just her. Still being 800 miles between us, the phone became our very best friend. I still remember though, when she passed out and went to the hospital. Her friends knew it was bad for her, it had happened before, but they urged her to do it anyway, insisting that it would be fine this time, and it wasn't.

    Luckily she's okay. *******s. I came home for easter and got my first experience with a father. Sure i've met the parents of past girlfriends and what not, but this was an experience. I thought it was pretty neat actually, the "My daughter has a curfew and it passed half an hour ago" experience. Well yea, the first one was scary i mean he could have killed me for all i knew, but the second one i expected so could do nothing but smile. Still we were not together, but there was a moment when i wanted nothing more than to kiss this girl. And i did everything but that, afraid like always, thinking It will only screw things up.

    Well when i got back to school we talked on the phone, and she told me how she wished that i had. Damn i felt stupid. I guess it seemed like we were on the right track to becoming a couple. She just wasn't sure because there was this other guy that she also kinda-sorta had feelings for, and he, being at home, was the obvious choice of she wanted to have a relationship. I worried constantly that she would choose him, even though i knew it was probably going to happen, since he was there and i was so far away, so i'll never forget the moments when she was telling me that she had chosen me and not him.

    The weeks went by and the excitement built as I prepared to go home. I so desperately wanted to return before her birthday, just to experience it in person. When i finally returned we went to carvel and sat down and talked. She told me how she didn't think she was ready yet. Her birthday came and went, and we smiled but did not kiss. Then one late night we watched a horrible movie that I just did not get. I focused my attention on her, however, and did everything but kiss. "She said specifically that she wasn't ready, So i can't do this yet" I would think to myself, and hold back at the end, until finally she kissed me and i wrapped us in a pretzel that we could not get out. When I left we kissed again, and it was a bit on the better, but then the next day she went out with her friends, and their boyfriends, and i was left in the cold.

    Eventually we kissed again and all was forgiven and we moved beyond kissing and started experiencing things together for the first time. We experienced pleasuring each other both mentally and physically, shared some memories and smiled often. We started spending nights together in bits and pieces where we could, and despite neither really expecting, found ourselves stealing condoms from her brothers room in what was a first for both of us.

    The summer continued full force and the emotions only seemed stronger, but we both knew what would come eventually, when college called once again. It was only days since I had left that we started looking up the airlines, and another week later she was back in my arms. It was like we'd never experienced before, not worrying about parents or school, just a room and a bed all to our own, and not needing much more. But she had to return home just in time for her school, and we buckled down for what was about to be nearly two months alone.



    This is where the story gets shaky, for me, at least, as for the first time since we were together, she even talked to the other guy. The one that was always at home, the one she kind of had feelings for before we got together. The one that I so desperately wanted to beat and get the chance with this girl. Naturally I had my questions about their togetherness. I was left wondering why she would start hanging out with him for the first time just when i'm gone for two months, and she was very defensive about the fact that they were just friends. I guess I said too much because the next time they hung out i was given specific instructions not to call her while she was out. Well that's alright, but at least I had some gratification knowing that she would be back in an hour, as she was spending the night with a friend. Three hours later she finally returned and my fears had accumulated to the point where i had to explode. Sure I overreacted because nothing went on, they spent three hours talking in a car, but i was still not very pleased. But i vowed to get accustumed to it, as they were just friends, and i would not let it bother me so much as there was no reason for me to worry.

    The holidays came fast and furious and things looked stronger again, and at christmas she gave to me the best gift that anyone has ever given me in my entire life. Sure it was just a collage of pictures and magazine cutouts but nothing can match the gift of love and I never in my life felt as loved as I did the moment she handed me that present. I could not believe that someone could have done all of that... for me.


    Again I returned to college, and she returned to her life. She had a falling out with one of her friends, and another was the kind that she was speaking to one week and hating the next. While we were apart she would be Talking to me on the phone or hanging out with that other guy thats just a friend and going out for coffee and talking for hours once or twice a week. She was feeling down so I made a trip home to see her once again taking to the skies, this time for just a 2 day trip to spend the weekend with her. We played in the snow and took pictures of each other which i cannot wait to see developed. I returned as quickly as I arrived, and awaited the next time we would see each other, just after valentines day, well about 4 days after valentines day to be exact. I tried my best to be home on valentines day, but the day that it was made it rather impossible with not being able to miss many days of school and many dollars on airfair just to spend a portion of the day together, so we agreed to wait until we saw each other to exchange valentines blessings. Postponed in person or not, it was quite the downer to get the call on Valentines day that she was planning on going out with this guy that is just her friend. While I too don't see much of a big deal about just hanging out with a friend on a given day, there was just something about her being with the particular person on Valentines Day that just didn't rub right. Luckily for my own sanity she ended up doing something else.

    Last edited by Tatu; 06-01-2005 at 01:44 AM.

     
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    Old 06-01-2005, 01:43 AM   #2
    Tatu
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Once again we were together and everything was great then departed and made plans to see each other. Then again, and then, one final visit together before the last long haul. We were as passionate as ever before we would have just over a month apart before being together for the entire summer again. To be fair, we had some conversations during this time about how we were going to change things up a bit when we were together again. I wasn't being myself around her friends and she wanted me to work on that.

    I still had finals and grades to deal with, and to be honest they weren't looking good. My GPA had dropped in the year from a 3.65 to... well, I had to work my *** off to get a 3.0 and keep my scholarships. So thats what i had to do. Every day I spent studying, calculating, studying, calculating, taking only breathers to take with my girlfriend and look forward to the most anticipated relief of getting my last grades in and going home to see her. There were times where i was skeptical that i would be able to get even the 3.0 I needed, and she helped me through those times, telling me that it would be alright, even if i did not get the 3.0 and needed to stay the extra three weeks to take summer classes, it would be fine she'd still be there for me. Finals week began, and my very first test was a very important one. My average in the class was borderline C and i needed a good performance to swing my GPA. My grades in other classes came and they were less than impressive. Luckily, my dedication in the last weeks of class earned me a half a letter grade extra in one class, and i negotiated another half a letter grade in another. Even with these bonuses, I was still short of my 3.0 that i needed, while still waiting for the final grade from that very first test to be reported. For days i would visit the professors office and inquire on whether he had the final grades in, and every day i would speak with my girlfriend and bring the dissapointing news that i would not be on my way home that day, as i still did not know whether i had met the 3.0 i needed. By the time the week had ended i strapped in demoralized knowing that with the weekend coming, surely the professor now would take an extra three days to report the grade. But, out of the stroke of luck, i returned from my trip to the bowling alley to find the grade posted, and It was just barely enough to give me the average i needed to maintain my scholarships. Without hesitation i quickly called my girlfriend and we celebrated in a few moments of joy before i began packing my car to the brim to prepare for the long, but exciting trip home. Expecting my mother to arrive in the morning with her car(she was already waiting at my grandmothers house a few hours north of my campus), i hoped to get to an early start and arrive home later that day. Unfortunately, my mother made dinner plans with my grandma without informing me. When my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the day (she is a big sleeper), i could barely tell her that i was still in the state where my school is after the excitement she had shown of me coming home that day. When finally i let out the bad news, she sounded quite dissapointed and perhaps made me even feel bad about the fact that she would have to call another one of her friends to hang out when she was anticipating hanging out with me. I felt like the biggest *** in the world. I urged my mother to get on the road but she did not want to. Finally i decided that the best thing to do would be to leave bright and early. Well not very bright, pitch black in fact, at 1:30 in the morning. With an 11 hour drive at best ahead of me, I wanted so dearly to arrive home before my girlfriend had work at 4:00 in the afternoon. Making decent time throughout the trip, we closed in with about two hours worth of driving time ahead, around 11:00 when she woke up. We began talking off and on and i would tell her as i got closer. Then, of course, the traffic hit for the first time right at the end of the journey. I stayed on the phone with her updating her on the traffic and we began to worry whether i'd make it home before work. But I assured her i would, nothing was going to stop me now when i was so close. Finally I arrived, and went straight to her house, not even considering stopping off at mine, with about half an hour to spare before she would work. I entered her house in a breeze and rushed up the stairs only to find a distant and un-excited girlfriend.

    I had figured she was just a little weirded out, she always told me it was a little weird for her the first time we saw each other after we'd been away for a while, so i just brushed it off, while pretty disheartened, and looked forward to unpacking a bit then spending the best of evenings with her after work. The best of evenings quickly became the worst night of my life when she told me she wanted time apart. Then as the days progressed, it got even worse as even more came out, not just time apart now, but time with someone else. Time with that guy that she always told me was just a friend. And to add to that, I wasn't allowed to speak with her for two weeks. This coming the day before our one year anniversary, the anniversary that we had celebrated every month for the past year, would now go unnoticed.

    I finished up my gift for her anyway, I wanted so much to create something meaningful for her, the way she had for me, I always had my camera with me so took as many of the memories as i could fit and made a DVD out of them with music, sort of a slideshow plus on a dvd. I've never actually seen the finished product. She watched it though, and quickly the two weeks apart ended as she went out for a drive to no where and turned up at the bowling alley i was bowling at.

    But then we did not see each other for a few days and she was going out with this other guy. Luckily for me he was not up for the idea of getting together with her. Having already been rejected by her a year ago, he was not up for experiencing it again, nor did he want to get involved with anything so soon after she'd been with me. See this guy is a friend of mine two, he's the drummer for the band who's show I'd gone to two years ago, where i first laid lusting eyes on my girlfriend. Our silence was once again broken when she fell ill, and I stayed by her side and watched a movie with her, we even kissed and held each other, that is until he called and invited her out for coffee. I was quickly discarded again. And again it would be a few days before we talked. But then we went out for lunch a couple days in a row, and again we kissed a couple days in a row, and things were looking up a couple days in a row. Then we didn't talk a couple days in a row... Then her car got broken into at 2 in the morning. I got there before the cops did, did what i could and then spent the night. But then i got the boot again and we didn't quite talk. You see the whole time she's been telling me to go out and have fun, meet new people and see what it's like. So finally I do. Three weeks now since my world came crashing down, sitting at a makeshift party as anti-social as ever. A seat opened up so i sat down and I actually got involved in a conversation with someone i didn't know. This girl was crazy, she wanted to burn peoples houses down, but it was refreshing to talk to her and let some of it out. I even tried ending it when it was getting more involved, I introduced a friend of mine then went to sit somewhere else. But sure enough she followed and conversate i did once more, this time it was different, as there was no one around. The mood was all perfect for a brand new start, a clear night all the stars in the sky, this very interesting girl and no one around. It almost seemed destined as she started leaning towards me, but she stopped herself and we talked about it, in only the way that that conversation would have gone. She knew I didn't want it, she saw it in me all night long ever since I'd gotten up I wanted only one person to come find me. It wasn't my brand new friend, whose number now takes up space in my phone or anyone in that company. I just wanted my girlfriend back, And I didn't want to say a word.



    This was lastnight and soon after she called, we hadn't talked in days, so it was so nice to hear that special ring tone on my phone that plays only when it's her. She didn't work until six today so I picked her up. Then on the way to the park she wanted food, and on the way there her car was ready. I had so many things I wanted to say, and now it looked like none would be said, she'd be in her car and i'd be in mine we wouldn't be together. Then something happened as we were walking into the autoglass store, we found ourselves together wrapped in each others arms. I went to give her a kiss on the cheek, and she went to as well, but the corners of our lips met and we backed a little slow. We stared into each others eyes and she kissed me once again, this time there was no mistaking it, this was meant for me. We said our goodbyes, and then kissed again, and then checked out the worksmanship on the car, and then kissed again. I followed behind her, while she dropped off her car, then we went to get food, and of course kissed again. As work time neared closer, we kissed again and again, then got one last thing of food, and then kissed again.

    The wretched mood that followed me for weeks was for once lifted as i returned home. Just thinking about all that had happened, I just counted the minutes until 10:00 when she would be off of work. Her screen name got active around 10:15, and i waited ten minutes before i finally said hey. 10 minutes later, there was still no reply, so i decided to call her, and she was out with that guy.

    She told me we need to get over each other, and we need time apart. Funny thing is I don't want to get over her, and it seems like i'm still in her heart.

    So now what?

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 06:01 AM   #3
    golfguy11
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Sounds like you need to get over her. Read your postings, she is just keeping you around when it is convienient.

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 06:37 AM   #4
    Kay33
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    I'm sorry your hurting. To answer your question; no, you can't save a relationship..by yourself.
    All you can do is take her at her word..it's over.
    I'm sorry she broke your heart. It will take time, but you will get over her.

    I know you want to be around her, talk to her, try and change her mind..but honestly, the BEST thing you can do is not have any contact. Otherwise, you get your hopes up when your with her, only to have your feelings crushed again when she's off with Dan.
    You're not competing for her affection--she's taking advantage of you.

    Gather up your pride and leave her alone...don't wait online for her...or be available when she needs something, let Dan do it. You deserve better. Okay?
    For what it's worth, one day you'll be a great writer and she'll be a distant memory.
    Good luck

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 08:40 AM   #5
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    how. how do i just go and not see... not talk to... forget about the one person that i've been thinking about every second of every day for the past year?

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 09:37 AM   #6
    Kay33
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tatu
    how. how do i just go and not see... not talk to... forget about the one person that i've been thinking about every second of every day for the past year?

    Time. Lots of time. Right now is awful, I know. Do a google search on the stages of grief, you'll identify with those feelings.
    You won't forget her, ever. Right now, you really shouldn't be in contact with her because she's treating you badly...and you may do or say something you'll regret later (your in that 'I'm not above begging' state)...you'll end up doing yourself more harm than good.
    Obviously, she wasn't honest about her 'friendship' with Dan....and there's not much you can do.
    Please, don't blame yourself.
    It's going to hurt for awhile. Write, reflect on your feelings..just don't shut down. Make yourself go out (the power of distraction is amazing), not necessarily to a bar...just something that occupies your mind for awhile.

    You'll get through this, and you'll see things clearer in time. Hang in there. Keep posting...you'll find lots of support out here.

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 09:54 AM   #7
    Tatu
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Thank you it is good to see the responses

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 10:04 AM   #8
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Sorry if this is too blunt....you NEED to move on. It doesn't matter if you don't want to. You have to. She is trying to break ties but yet still keeps you hanging just enough to keep you intersted. So basically, she is just keeping you on the 'back burner' while she feels things out with this other guy. When she needs something or has nothing else to do, she calls you and wants to hang out.

    I would pretty much bet just about anything at this point that if you are a little less available for her every whim, she will chase YOU a little more. Sad but true, we always want what we can't have.

    Why should she stay focused and committed to you when you keep coming back every time the mood suits her? Think about it. It won't be easy, but try brushing her off for a while (even if it tortures you). You'll see what I mean.

    And if she doesn't chase you? Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't love you anyway? Seems to me she is always looking for greener pastures and when things fall through, she calls you. And why wouldn't she? You always come running. You may think that by doing this you are showing your love for her, but all you are accomplishing is setting yourself up for more hurt. So it's not all her fault that you keep getting hurt by her. Quit going back there. Don't be a glutton for punishment.

    Good luck to you. Sorry for your pain and sorry if what I said seems harsh....but you wanted honest advice/opinions....there it is.

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 10:07 AM   #9
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    It's not harsh at all it is a really good response and i thank you for it

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 01:48 PM   #10
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Tatu, you deserve SO much better. I know this all may sound like really good advice, and you'd love to be strong and do as we advise...but when that phone rings and she comes beckoning for your call, you're going to become weak and give in. It's only natural at this point, and it's going to be a very very tough road the next few weeks. But I KNOW you can do it. Please have faith in yourself, and don't let yourself be walked all over. I guarantee you that there is an even better girl out there for you. And your paths will cross when you least expect it. I know you may not want to hear it, but you ARE still very young...and picture this: the next time you fall in love things will be even BETTER. No distance to worry about. No more wondering if she's hanging out with a "friend" at all hours of the day.

    Now's the time to get a hobby...like starting a band of your own.

    You'll look back and be able to say with confidence: I'm a man with experience. We've all had our hearts broken at least once... a nice saying comes to mind: Don't cry because it's over...smile because it's happened.

    Good luck - I know you can do it.

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 08:06 PM   #11
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Tatu, I rarely reply to anyone here. But I read your story and I have to say that you sound like such a special kind of guy. You have sensitivity, depth, expression and an intensity that I think is beautiful. I think you should allow yourself to feel the pain, eventually it will fade (one sure thing is time and how it does heal). You will love again, and be a better person for all of these experiences. I wish you love and love returned. Jennifer xx

     
    Old 06-01-2005, 08:13 PM   #12
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Tatu, I rarely reply to anyone here. But I read your story and I have to say that you sound like such a special kind of guy. You have sensitivity, depth, expression and an intensity that I think is beautiful. I think you should allow yourself to feel the pain, eventually it will fade (one sure thing is time and how it does heal). You will love again, and be a better person for all of these experiences. I wish you love and love returned. Jennifer xx

     
    Old 06-04-2005, 01:22 PM   #13
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MsInspiration
    Tatu, I rarely reply to anyone here. But I read your story and I have to say that you sound like such a special kind of guy. You have sensitivity, depth, expression and an intensity that I think is beautiful. I think you should allow yourself to feel the pain, eventually it will fade (one sure thing is time and how it does heal). You will love again, and be a better person for all of these experiences. I wish you love and love returned. Jennifer xx

    Thank You. It means a lot that you have responded.

    I know everyone thinks the best thing I can do is move on, but looking through some of the other threads around here, it seems like that is the answer to everything. Your partner is insecure, move on! Your partner got drunk, move on! Your partner likes meatballs, move on!

    Has anyone here ever had an experience where they stuck it out and it ended up working out? Is it the ones who pick up and move on that are the strongest or the ones that don't give up at the first major sign of trouble?

     
    Old 06-08-2005, 12:50 PM   #14
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    it seems to me your situation is very different than one that could possibly work out... the difference? she has consciously kept you on the back burner while she persues something else. its not a matter of people drifting apart, she wronged you.

    you should be so quick to say "oh maybe she will change her mind", thats the problem... she HAS changed her mind over and over...

    youre obviously hurting, and you seem like a good guy, so you need to move on...

    Eric

     
    Old 06-08-2005, 01:44 PM   #15
    Tatu
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    Re: Still in Shock, Can I Save It?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kingam
    it seems to me your situation is very different than one that could possibly work out... the difference? she has consciously kept you on the back burner while she persues something else. its not a matter of people drifting apart, she wronged you.

    you should be so quick to say "oh maybe she will change her mind", thats the problem... she HAS changed her mind over and over...

    youre obviously hurting, and you seem like a good guy, so you need to move on...

    Eric

    Its easier said than done.

    I did go out at a friends party and try and meet some people, this one girl we spent hours chatting and it was interesting, and she even asked me if she could kiss me and the whole lot i just wasn't up for it, still caught up i guess

     
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