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-   -   Does Being Hard to Get Work? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/292350-does-being-hard-get-work.html)

LittleRose1982 06-09-2005 12:13 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
Hey guys! Great discussion!
I've heard all sorts of things from all sorts of articles and books. Some even go as far as to say that the "secret" to making a man fall in love with you is to spend a lot of time with him at first, then disappear for a week or so, then come back. To me, this is all simply an attempt to take something non-concrete and make it concrete so that all you have to do is follow an instruction manual. Love and relationships come with no such instruction manual. With that in mind, I don't believe in games one bit.
I wouldn't want to be with a guy who's going to lose interest in me if I spend too much time with him! I don't want him to want me simply for the "chase"! I want the real thing... a guy who will want to be around me for the rest of our lives! Of course, everyone needs a certain amount of space... but if he seems to value his independence more than me, I'm outta there! That's how my last relationship ended actually.
As most of you know, I am not holding back anything right now with my current guy, and neither is he. I'm not going to purposely make plans to "not see him" in a silly attempt to hold his interest! Like I said, if I have to play games to make a relationship work then it's not the right relationship... and we'd be playing games for the rest of our lives. The right relationship just comes naturally.

Ranger185 06-09-2005 12:14 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
Um don't read to much into my comment about this being my favorite part, I just enjoy the hunt. Throw another twist into it, we are both married, :eek: and I guess we just enjoy the flirting. :o It started out just I dunno dumb stuff and it progressed from there. I am not sure it will ever go "beyond" this work thing but it is fun and makes the day go by faster. My favorite is when I email her an ask what color, (panties) my fav response is "none" hahahah Ok I am ducking ahead of time, I can feel the negative posts on their way :nono: hahaha

Rangerrrrrrrrr :cool:

goody2shuz 06-09-2005 12:26 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
Ha, ha, ha, ha.....Evy you are sooo funny. If a guy could hunt a girl down like an 8 pointer Buck and go in for the kill, why shouldn't he mount her on a wall :D Afterall...it must take as much strategy and careful planning on his part just like it does to get a deer in the crosshairs!!!!

Anyway...Ranger...my advice is you shouldn't be hunting at all when you're license is invalid (if you get my drift :rolleyes: ) And you're playing games and the type of game you are playing only hurts others. You are right when you say the before & after all gets twisted up....that's what happens when you're married and chase after other women. Not many here will support type of game playing.....Goody

greeneyes100 06-09-2005 12:28 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=evy38]Ranger, at 40 you are making the point that women SHOULD play hard to get. You just said that the chase is your favorite part. I think a different question should be asked as well. If a couple sends all this energy on the chase and gives no thought to what comes after, where do they go once he's "Caught" her. Does he slice off her head and mount her on a wall, then off to the chase again for something bigger, better and more of a challenge? This thinking doesn't put the emphasis where it should be, on the quality of the relationship two people are creating. Any thoughs on how to transition?[/QUOTE]

Even after he has "caught" you so to speak, you can still be somewhat elusive after you have formed an exclusive relationship. Don't have your world evolve around your lover/boyfriend. Keep some part of yourself to yourself. There is no harm done and it makes the relationship more exciting.

Men do not want the responsibility for a girlfriend's happiness, that's why they are attracted to women who are ALREADY happy on their own and actually don't NEED a man to make them happy.

What man, in his right mind, wants the responsibility for someone else's happiness?

evy38 06-09-2005 12:29 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
Ok ranger, we need to put you in a whole different category. We are talking about emotionally healthy single men looking for a committed relationship. I think you might fit into the player category. A relatively honest, maybe minor, one, but a player, none the less. It makes perfect sense that players like the chase the best. They don't intend to get to the second phase, either consciously or unconsciously.

Ranger185 06-09-2005 12:35 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
Oh man got booted from the thread, I really never considered myself a player though dang does that mean I have to get funny rims on my car and a car that you can hear coming from 6 miles away. :yawn:


Ranger :cool:

heartlandguy 06-09-2005 12:39 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Men do not want the responsibility for a girlfriend's happiness, that's why they are attracted to women who are ALREADY happy on their own and actually don't NEED a man to make them happy.

What man, in his right mind, wants the responsibility for someone else's happiness?[/QUOTE]I completely agree with you, GE. Couples should share happiness, not make it for each other.

Like in the rest of your posts, you make perfect sense. :)

evy38 06-09-2005 12:40 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Even after he has "caught" you so to speak, you can still be somewhat elusive after you have formed an exclusive relationship. Don't have your world evolve around your lover/boyfriend. Keep some part of yourself to yourself. There is no harm done and it makes the relationship more exciting.

Men do not want the responsibility for a girlfriend's happiness, that's why they are attracted to women who are ALREADY happy on their own and actually don't NEED a man to make them happy.

What man, in his right mind, wants the responsibility for someone else's happiness?[/QUOTE]
I do get and even agree with this GE, but at what point do we get to the "Loving" part of love? At what point do we decide to accept the faults and the hairs or lack there of, the snoring and the less then perfect waistline, the fact that he didn't finish college or she has a lot of blonde moments, (No offence blondes ;) ). At what point do we choose to be as real as possible, share that maybe we do have doubts and fears anbd do sometimes get lonely. Maybe never to a player, but what about the rest of them?

evy38 06-09-2005 12:41 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=Ranger185]Oh man got booted from the thread, I really never considered myself a player though dang does that mean I have to get funny rims on my car and a car that you can hear coming from 6 miles away. :yawn:


Ranger :cool:[/QUOTE]
It would certainly warn us you're comming. ;)

tenagain 06-09-2005 02:05 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
My personal opinion is that if you are looking for a "relationship" then playing hard to get does not work. Put your interest out there and let the guy know that you are attracted to him, interested in getting to know him better etc. etc....If he runs the other way then you are better off without him. Being upfront from the get-go will weed out the ones you don't have time for.

Now...if you are just wanting to "hook up" and "hang out" and don't want anything serious I think a little playing hard to get will work. It steams up the passion a bit and provides some mystery and flirting opportunites.

greeneyes100 06-09-2005 02:38 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=evy38]I do get and even agree with this GE, but at what point do we get to the "Loving" part of love? At what point do we decide to accept the faults and the hairs or lack there of, the snoring and the less then perfect waistline, the fact that he didn't finish college or she has a lot of blonde moments, (No offence blondes ;) ). At what point do we choose to be as real as possible, share that maybe we do have doubts and fears anbd do sometimes get lonely. Maybe never to a player, but what about the rest of them?[/QUOTE]

Evy, I'm just talking about in the beginning of a relationship, that's it good to be not so easily won over. Then, if the man is real, and not a player, he will stick by you and your relationship grows from there. YOu always take the chance of running into a man who will play you. That's just life. But when a so called player falls in love, then what? He's not a player anymore!

I still think that a man is more intrigued by a woman who is a bit mysterious, in the beginning at least. Then later, when the relationship grows exclusive, you can share more intimate feelings and emotions about each other. You are still intimate and loving, but you still keep a special place to yourself, or I guess I would say you still keep your independence.

Hiya 06-09-2005 02:57 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Evy, I'm just talking about in the beginning of a relationship, that's it good to be not so easily won over. Then, if the man is real, and not a player, he will stick by you and your relationship grows from there. YOu always take the chance of running into a man who will play you. That's just life. But when a so called player falls in love, then what? He's not a player anymore!

I still think that a man is more intrigued by a woman who is a bit mysterious, in the beginning at least. Then later, when the relationship grows exclusive, you can share more intimate feelings and emotions about each other. You are still intimate and loving, but you still keep a special place to yourself, or I guess I would say you still keep your independence.[/QUOTE]

I agree. I think it's just a matter of just being aware of whether he's on the same page with you emotionally. If he says he'll call Tuesday afternoon and doesn't call till the weekend, then you're obviously not on his mind very much, and he's probably seeing other women or just isn't that interested. I think when a man is really interested in you, he makes sure you know it. Especially when you first start seeing each other, if he can't do what he says he's going to do, then I think you'd be better off seeing what else is out there.

evy38 06-09-2005 05:15 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
I agree with everything GreenEyes and Nini are saying. I've said before the books are excellent for teaching women how necessary it is to love and value themselves. Here is the real issue I have. They explain certain mechanics of dating a certain way. They also require a woman be somewhat self absorbed. Not a bad thing when dating, I guess. But we also know that men are out there following their own rules. These also require that THEY be self absorbed. What none of these books do well is explain, guide or suggest how two self-absorbed, from the beginning, people are supposed to transition into a partnership where the needs of the whole must take precedence over the needs of the individual. Has anybody actually read "The Rules"? It actually brags that if you follow their rules, not only will your husband never want any "me" time with his friends, he won't want you out of his sight long enough for you to have time with friends! It is an extreme book that tells you dating is work, not always fun, your job is to be available not enjoy yourself, but suck it up because this is what you must do to get married. "Why Men love Bi*&#hs" is a much milder book, but again it explains how to hook, but not how to hold in any SIGNAFICANT way. This book, though, is an excellent source for women who don't truly appreciate themselves and I would recomend it, there is alot of useful info in it. Most of these books make MANY good points, but it seems to me that love is alot like religion. One book can't explain everything, and we have to trust our gut with the rest.

greeneyes100 06-09-2005 07:19 PM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=evy38]I agree with everything GreenEyes and Nini are saying. I've said before the books are excellent for teaching women how necessary it is to love and value themselves. Here is the real issue I have. They explain certain mechanics of dating a certain way. They also require a woman be somewhat self absorbed. Not a bad thing when dating, I guess. But we also know that men are out there following their own rules. These also require that THEY be self absorbed. What none of these books do well is explain, guide or suggest how two self-absorbed, from the beginning, people are supposed to transition into a partnership where the needs of the whole must take precedence over the needs of the individual. Has anybody actually read "The Rules"? It actually brags that if you follow their rules, not only will your husband never want any "me" time with his friends, he won't want you out of his sight long enough for you to have time with friends! It is an extreme book that tells you dating is work, not always fun, your job is to be available not enjoy yourself, but suck it up because this is what you must do to get married. "Why Men love Bi*&#hs" is a much milder book, but again it explains how to hook, but not how to hold in any SIGNAFICANT way. This book, though, is an excellent source for women who don't truly appreciate themselves and I would recomend it, there is alot of useful info in it. Most of these books make MANY good points, but it seems to me that love is alot like religion. One book can't explain everything, and we have to trust our gut with the rest.[/QUOTE]

The Rules is a very controversial book, indeed. I agree with certain points, but never adhere to them strictly. I just use some of the information to invent my own watered down version. I still use my heart in the equation and also my intuition.

Following your heart and gut instincts are very important, but I believe it must be done with caution and intelligence. There is a certain balance here, or I guess, as another poster would say, "a dance" that goes on in the beginning of a relationship...whether the "dance" develops into something long term or not is up to the man and woman involved. I still believe that when it's harder to get something or we have to work for it more, then it is valued more. It's just human nature. We just don't value anything as much when it comes too easily. Why do you think all those "trust babies" have serious drug and relationship problems??? Hope this makes sense. I am going to start another thread about my current dilemma!

Oh, I read that book too, and it has a lot of good pointers. It's really all about believing in yourself and not being dependent on male companionship for happiness!

heartlandguy 06-10-2005 09:00 AM

Re: Does Being Hard to Get Work?
 
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]I still believe that when it's harder to get something or we have to work for it more, then it is valued more. It's just human nature.[/QUOTE]I absolutely agree with your quote so youíll probably be surprised when I say that a huge factor in selecting my wife was that she didnít play games. I viewed dating itself as hard work, as many women here have said, too. Since I viewed dating that way and then found a woman that turned every moment with her into [u]uncomplicated[/u] joy, I knew I found a valuable treasure.

So while your quote is absolutely true, there is more than one way to apply it to relationships. In a way, it suggests that we canít appeal to everyone because we arenít all looking for the same thing.


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