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    Old 06-09-2005, 09:49 AM   #1
    Piranna65
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    Unhappy boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Hello again to those of you who were following my past thread reguarding my boyfriends parents racking up a hefty credit card bill then didnt inform him until threatening letters started to come.

    He had more issues with that today getting it on track. The place they went to i have now found out is one that is going to help them cut the costs, i guess it is a non-profit organization. And apparently as long as they go through this company it will stop any charges from being filed. Thank God.

    As of right now they have one of the cards signed up and will sign up the other next month (for some odd reason i donno, buy this is what my guy said). The guy he's working with from this office told him 4 years just for the first card b4 it's paid off.

    I told him I figured it'd be a total of 8 or 9 since I did the math myself for the two cards combined. He said once we get back from our trip in a couple of weeks that he is going to get on their case about getting more money in his account so they can up the payments. The payments will go up once the second are added. I told him I can already see his family missing one. And I told/warned him when they do I will go irrate! I cannot help it, it upsets me way too much.

    He told me he'd like to go up and argue with his mother some more but all she does is argue back, I told him thats too bad and that SHE is in the wrong for even arguing with him about this. Im soooo furious that she would even THINK to argue back since it was her and her husband that did this.

    I know my b/f is now worried that I dont really like his family. I told him I still like them, but im P.O'd about this situation because it could have been prevented. And thinking to myself they will never see a dime come from me. All they do is take advantage of my boyfriend.

    Last night his mother is upstairs and we are downstairs with his brother. Instead of coming down stairs or yelling for my boyfriend she calls his cellphone (doesnt want to leave the computer game is my guess) he goes out of his room and says "what??!" It was a request to use his vechical again. UGH!!!

    I dont know if I will make it though this drama they have caused us! I know he's getting upset at me for being upset at this situation, but I told him if they make the payments they are now...he'll be 30 before this debt is paid off! He said he knows and wants it fixed asap as well....

    we shall see!

     
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    Old 06-09-2005, 10:19 AM   #2
    Kay33
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, but he REALLY needs to take a firm stand with his mom.
    I don't know how you can be in the same room without strangling her.
    It doesn't seem like it bothers them much, I guess I wouldn't be surprised if they pulled this again.

    If I were you, I'd think long and hard before getting married in a year. Eight years is a long time for a debt to be hanging over your head.
    It will get old REAL fast.
    It's going to affect your lifestyle...do you plan on having children? Are you willing to put a lot of your life on hold for that long? It's going to have a far reaching effect.
    If your married and end up filing bankruptcy to get out from under this...it will affect you too (your credit). You can find alot of info by doing searches on the internet.

    Just make sure you realize what you're getting into. I sure wouldn't count on his mom repaying this for the long haul.

    I think the most important thing is that your boyfriend feels the same level of outrage that you do. If he doesn't, you'll start to resent him along with his mom.
    Good luck.

    Last edited by Kay33; 06-09-2005 at 10:23 AM.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 05:06 PM   #3
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    I think if it comes down to her not paying I will push for him to take her to court. He knows I am very upset, ticked off and mad at his mom and step dad as of right now. And I told him I do not want this debt in our lives 8 or 9 years from now.

    He told me today that he could argue with her and she'd just fight back. What the hell is wrong w/her? Doesnt she see what she did was super wrong? She should be ashamed of herself. And I will confront her myself after we are married if she ends up stopping payment ect.

    My boyfriend wants to move to the same state his dad lives in after i finish school. I cannot wait now. Infact we're talking about looking for houses or something soon. I want him out of his parents so bad. I want this using to stop. I warned him once they dont make a payment that I will go crazy!

    Kay you are right, i want to slap his mom so bad just for the mistake she did. But upon talking to his dad while he was in town he informed me she was bad with money when they were married. Dammit right. It's one thing to do this to a husband while your joint, but her son, her oldest son. Give me a break, my parents would never do this to myself, or my siblings for that. It makes me want to puke!!

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 05:19 PM   #4
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Grrrr...... I'm sorry but she is NOT a mother in my books.

    Why can't his mother or her husband get a loan or borrow from somewhere else to pay off the cards? Doesn't her husband have family? Such a ******* shame for the 2 of you to start out in debt, and it's not even YOURS!!!

    If I would ever be so stupid as to do to my son what his mother did to him, I would prostitute myself to get those cards paid off. Damn rights you take her to court if she stops paying. SHAME SHAME SHAME on her!!!

    Good luck. I hope you don't need it......

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 07:00 PM   #5
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Piranna,
    You know how I feel about what his parents did to him. It is so hard to believe that any parent could possibly due that to their own child. What you have to remember is that he is in a dysfunctional family whose own mother committed a crime against him. This dysfunction has been going on for years and years and you are NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT. It is vital that you understand that, His mother will NEVER think like you do about the situation. Don't expect her to or you will CONSTANTLY be dissapointd and upset and it WILL RUIN your relationship with your fiance.
    Has he actually ran a credit report on himself yet? If he has not, I would encourage you to tell him to do it now. It may be the key to helping him set better boundaries.
    I think you also need to prepare yourself that most likely, his parents will stop making regular payments on the credit cards that his mom fraudulantly opened up. I'm sure she will come up with an excuse of why she can not pay. Remember you are talking about a woman that had NO PROBLEM lying and not only opening up an account in someone else's name (identity theft), but she also ruined her son's credit and basically only told him what she did when it was ready to go to court and she knew SHE WOULD be the one in trouble by the court when the pieces of the puzzle were put together.
    Have you or your boyfriend called the identity theft hotline number like I suggested in your other thread? If he won't do it you call them and get as much info as you can on what can be done. Get it first hand from them so you know you are getting accurate information.
    If his parents have done this once, I don't put it past them to do it again because they know they not only won't lost their son, but they know he won't press charges. Please take action and do whatever you can do legally NOW to protect yourself and your credit.
    Good Luck!

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-09-2005 at 07:03 PM.

     
    Old 06-09-2005, 07:27 PM   #6
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Thank you both again. Blueeyedlady you are right. She wont be able to see from my point of view even if i put it in big bold lettering for her. How can someone stoop so low though? I just cant grasp this. Every thought makes my stomach turn. When the day came to get this set up on some sort of pay plan my boyfriend practically had to drag her to this place to get it set up, she didnt want to leave her computer game.

    That's another thing that makes me ill. Her and her husband being attached to this damn game. Their house is a wreck, their phone was shut off last friday, they are using their son in laws cell phone right now as a landline and my boyfriends car as "their" vechial. Infact listen to this. His mother woke up my boyfriends younger bro the other morning to ask him to run to the store and get her a pack of smokes. Well his brother told her no, how am i gonna get there I dont have a car. She told him "take your brothers" HELLOOOOOO IT'S NOT FAIR GAME HERE. To say the least his brother didnt get the smokes for her and she got ticked and told him to get out of the house!

    Im so upset about all of this. I dont want this to come inbetween my boyfriend and I. I want our marriage to happen in a year (we've been planning since november) and I dont want to put it on hold because of his reckless family. I too told him that I can see his parents falling through on a payment. Why though? Why should they? It's not like they have a car payment or insurance to pay anymore right. I'm so blind as to where the money goes. It's rare that they grocery shop, it's basically fend for yourself.

    I slept there last night and his mom was up till about 3 I bet stuck to the puter playin this addicting game. And I woke up around 7:30 to use the restroom and she was on it then! And the alarm was going off next to her on the couch (out of reach from the computer) so she would let it just beep beep beep beep for over a minute or two she just cant get away from that computer. I'd love it if that thing broke on them. Then maybe she'd find something better and productive to do w/her time.

    To anwser your question about calling a theft line or any type no we did not. He wont go to that extreme with his parents I dont think (worries me a bit cuz he should) I've been talking to my own mother about this lately and she is in shock too. I've been telling her I want to get him out of there asap. As for the vechical usage he's been leaving the gas tank somewhat low. This way they are forced into putting gas in. Thank goodness right!

    And Blueyelady, I have come to terms that they probably WILL fall through on a payment. And I have already told myself to be firm w/him about getting them on track with this. I dont want this to ruin our lives b4 they start.

    I will do some research online shortly about this credit card info. If there is any way at all that that they could get a loan I'd love to see it happen, but I dont know who would! They just had their ONLY form of transportation taken away a few days before my boyfriend moved home. And whoever they had that loan through obviously ment they wernt paying and they prolly wouldnt get them another! BLAH

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 01:49 AM   #7
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the posters who suggested you may want to hold off on marrying your BF for the time being. I recently went through a breakup with a wonderful man who I adored...we had lived together ever since we met and had a great relationship. The only big problems were external: my chronic pain condition definitely took a toll on our relationship, but the main problem was his family. I absolutely could not stand most of them...I just thought they were hateful, despicable people and terrible, terrible parents/relatives to my ex. I found being around them so stressful and excrutiating that it caused serious problems between me and my ex, and ultimately ended our relationship. What I finally learned the hard way is that family is forever while relationships are temporary and disposable. It would be nice if people had the courage and strength to choose someone who loves them unconditionally over a family who treats them horribly, but few people will ever cut ties to their family in favor of someone they aren't related to. I wanted so badly to believe that since my ex was so loving, wonderful, and kind (completely unlike his relatives), our love would overcome any and all obstacles they placed in our path. But unfortunately, when it came down to having to choose between me and his family, my ex was unable to leave his family, even though they had stunted him and sabotaged him in many ways over the course of his life. And none of this had anything to do with financial issues...I really think your BF is going to have a difficult time ever getting tough with his parents and putting an end to their shameful, despicable behavior.

    Do you really want to be legally tied to a man whose parents will likely continue to increase his debt and ruin his credit rating? When you are married, all of his debt becomes yours, and if he ever runs off or defaults on his debt, you are legally required to pay it. If I was you, I would hold off on marriage for awhile yet and see how things go...if this seems to be an isolated rough patch and his parents are able to get back on track without stealing from their children, it might be okay to go ahead with the wedding. But otherwise, as much as you love him, I would strongly caution yourself against getting legally tied to all his family's problems. I know many people tend to worship marriage, often blindly, but in truth, it is absolutely not essential for a loving, permanent partnership. My dad and "stepmom" have been together for a very happy 20+ years and never married, as is the case with several of my friends' parents. Marriage is okay if you are religous and want kids, but it is not everything, and too many people let their desperation for a wedding and a ring cloud their judgment about whether or not they have really found the right person to whom they should join their lives and futures. I hate to say this, but in the end, if it comes down to it, your BF will probably choose his family over you, and if you are unmarried, this will be painful enough. However, if you marry him before all his financial issues with his parents are completely resolved (which seems unlikely considering their long history of such abhorrent behavior), then you will not only be left alone, but you'll also be responsible for all of his and his family's debt. When you are married, you marry into a family--can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life as part of a family of deadbeat, lying, stealing, using, manipulative addicts? I feel so badly for your BF to have parents who would ever consider ruining his future just to satisfy their lazy, greedy urges, but I have a hard time envisioning him ever being able to shake completely free of their influence. I never really believed that family could get in the way of an amazing relationship that was meant to be until it happened to me, and believe me, compared to your BF's family, my ex's were all wonderful saints. I wish you all the best, and am so sorry that your BF happens to be related to such shameless and selfish people. Still, I would be very, very careful and wary about marrying into such a family, because no matter how much you and your BF love each other, blood is almost always thicker than water, and I would hate to see your marriage fail as a result of his family's awful influence.

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 02:52 AM   #8
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    I completely agree with Snails. You may not like it but holding off on getting married for now is probably a really good idea. Personally I would want to see where this all goes before binding myself to your bf's family. He seems very reluctant to stand up to his mom and to me that gives her the green light to go ahead and continue to run up debt in his name. All of the other posters are correct when they say that once you marry your bf you will have taken on all of this debt as well. It's very likely that you guys will end up paying off this debt yourselves. From what you have told us I can't see his mom following through with the repayments. I think it's a real shame that your bf can't stand up to his mom. She's taken complete advantage of him by ruining his credit and using his vehicle whenever she wants. By the way, is she covered on his insurance to drive his car? That's the next disaster I see happening...she wrecks his car and she wasn't even insured to drive it in the first place.

    What I would do is sit down with your bf in private and have a long talk about your future and where it's heading. I have a feeling that no matter where you guys move to his parents are going to be a strong influence on him and have a strong influence on your marriage. It would only be a matter of time before you started to resent him as well as his family. You say that you like them but you'll go on and on about how his mom does nothing but play computer games and their house is filthy. All of that is a side issue but you keep bringing it up and there's a lot of resentment there. And you have every right to feel that way! I would just hate for those feelings to start spilling over onto your bf say 5 or 10 years from now when he still won't stand up for himself and his parents are making your lives a mess. Trust me when I say that no matter how far away you live from your in-laws they can always find a way to bother you and stress you out.

    Think long and hard before getting legally bound to your bf (and his family) and remember that it won't be a huge disaster if you wait a couple of years to get married. You're both still young and have your whole lives ahead of you to get married and have kids. Getting this problem sorted first should be the main issue.

    Best of luck to you hun!

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 05:52 PM   #9
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    thanks for the mulitiple response again all.

    Well more DRAMA has unfolded as of last night. My boyfriends mom and brother were taking vioxx a while back, up till it was pulled off shelves! Well his bro has been having heart problems (everything turned out okay with him) but now his mother started saying "oh i have heart probs too" Right away I think she wants something to be wrong to sue!

    Well the doctor told her yesterday it has nothing to do with her heart but with her lungs! And that she needs to see a spealist asap or she could die. (Yeah i donno about die w/out seeing some real doctors that exam your lungs and stuff either) So my boyfriend is freaking out yesterday and upset and crying that his mom is going to die and he cant handle that happening. UGH! So there was tons of drama last night about that. (She's a big smoker chain smoker really) so i told him that him and his siblings need to sit down w/her and talk to her about giving up the smokes.

    Well my boyfriend talks to her last night about how she needs to see some doctors and get this taken care of and that he doesnt want to lose his mom. What does she tell him "What can I say my lungs are F****d up there's nothing i can do now!!" It's like....do you want to increase your odds of living on your own or what?? So it was very stressfull!

    I was talking to my mom about the whole debt thing. Granted yeah we'd be in debt because of them (assuming they dont pay) that wouldnt affect my credit. Because she told me she has better credit then my dad so you still have your own individual credit...

    I know holding off the marriage may be a good idea. But things are being planned already I dont want to cancel. I want him out of that house asap. When he didnt live there while he had an apartment with a buddy of his his parents hardly bothered him about money when he wasnt living at home (too inconvienient).

    Also no...his parents are not covered on his insurance, I didnt even think about that. I will have to run that by him too because your right I can see one of them getting in an accident then the insurance company wont pay and he's stuck paying on a dead horse!

    He was pretty upset last night about the thought of losing his mom. I must admit i feel bad about that but my first thought was "WHAT ABOUT THIS DEBT" if she dies her new hubby isnt going to pay for it.

    Snails I do agree w/alot of what you say. But his his family hasnt really gotten on my nerves like this until all the credit card stuff hit the fan. And when he wasnt living there we didnt really see them or deal w/them either.

    I have had no problem talking more open about this w/my boyfriend and last night he could see it in my face when he told me about his mom that i was thinking about the credit card debt issue. He goes...."i know what your already thinking but my mom comes first" I hate to say it but i wonder if this is for real? I mean she can be a bit of a drama queen, my b/f's brother was there waiting the wait room and when she came out she seemed upset he said. Well when she finally talked to him on the ride home she goes "they basically told me Im gonna die" I'm sorry but how can they say that if they are heart doctors? Granted she has a pretty nasty cough right now?

    Last edited by Piranna65; 06-10-2005 at 05:58 PM. Reason: add/edit

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 06:25 PM   #10
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    ...................

    Last edited by nothisprincess; 06-14-2005 at 09:30 PM.

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 06:59 PM   #11
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    well nothisprincess, the credit cards are in his name. I dont think there is really a way to try and change them over. I dont even know what kind of cards they are. I'd like to call the companies and explain the situation. Obviously I wont have access to the account but i'd like to see if there is anyway myself. But I doubt it, they want their money any way they can get it.

    His mom and step dad should be trying to do this on their own but of course they wouldnt do it w/out a request from us. Maybe i'll run that by my boyfriend. Tell him his parents should call the credit card companies and see if there is anything they can do as well. My boyfriend shouldnt have to be the one to try and get them to take responsibility they should be volenteering this on they're own.

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 12:23 AM   #12
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Hi, I just read both your threads on this and it is terrible what they have done to your boyfriend. You know, this can go WAY beyond money...the bottom line is that they care for themselves more than anyone else. I think I would look at that fact and ALL THE AREAS that could affect you two in the future before I would walk down the aisle. I know you want to get him out of there, but you could do that and plan a wedding when it is more settled down legally.

    Your boyfriend is not willing to see the entire picture because it is painful. His mother sounds very manipulative...I have doubts about the dr's visit too. I'm sure that something happened but it is not fair and very wrong for her to just "give up" and say what's the use...that is a horrible thing to do to her kids. She should have not told them anything then.

    This sort of manipulation and self-centered behavior is abusive. I mean, the fact that she argues with your bf about the debt shows no remorse! And the fact that she asked him if he was going to press charges shows she is thinking about how far she can push him. Run for the hills...think about your quality of life...these people are vultures and destroy without a second thought!

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 02:56 AM   #13
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    In all honesty this is the kind of behavior you can look forward to for years and years to come when you marry your bf. His mom sounds so manipulative it's unreal. I also sort of doubt the doctor's visit. What the doc probably said was, "You need to give up the smokes because they can cause lung cancer". A regular family doctor can't tell you that you're dying from lung cancer without looking at chest x-rays, blood work, etc.

    All of this drama could be a way of manipulating your bf so that his mom can:

    1. Get out of paying off this debt
    2. Keep him staying in her house for a very long time to leech off of him
    3. Make it so that he never wants to leave/move out (ie. he has to stay and "take care of mom")

    I see this problem getting bigger and bigger leading up to your wedding.

    Take care hun.

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 05:57 AM   #14
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Piranna65
    thanks for the mulitiple response again all.

    Well more DRAMA has unfolded as of last night. My boyfriends mom and brother were taking vioxx a while back, up till it was pulled off shelves! Well his bro has been having heart problems (everything turned out okay with him) but now his mother started saying "oh i have heart probs too" Right away I think she wants something to be wrong to sue!

    Well the doctor told her yesterday it has nothing to do with her heart but with her lungs! And that she needs to see a spealist asap or she could die. (Yeah i donno about die w/out seeing some real doctors that exam your lungs and stuff either) So my boyfriend is freaking out yesterday and upset and crying that his mom is going to die and he cant handle that happening. UGH! So there was tons of drama last night about that. (She's a big smoker chain smoker really) so i told him that him and his siblings need to sit down w/her and talk to her about giving up the smokes.

    I was talking to my mom about the whole debt thing. Granted yeah we'd be in debt because of them (assuming they dont pay) that wouldnt affect my credit. Because she told me she has better credit then my dad so you still have your own individual credit...

    I know holding off the marriage may be a good idea. But things are being planned already I dont want to cancel.
    I have had no problem talking more open about this w/my boyfriend and last night he could see it in my face when he told me about his mom that i was thinking about the credit card debt issue. He goes...."i know what your already thinking but my mom comes first" I hate to say it but i wonder if this is for real? I mean she can be a bit of a drama queen, my b/f's brother was there waiting the wait room and when she came out she seemed upset he said. Well when she finally talked to him on the ride home she goes "they basically told me Im gonna die" I'm sorry but how can they say that if they are heart doctors? Granted she has a pretty nasty cough right now?

    Piranna,
    As far as the so called problem with her lungs. I don't doubt that she might have an illness due to her smoking, however unless she has had a chest X Ray and Pulmonary Function Tests at the very least, the doctor is NOT going to diagnosis a particular illness. He may have auscultated her lungs and heard things that should not be there, (ex, wheezing, rales, rhonchi), but he would have immediately ordered a chest X Ray. If there is really something to be concerned about now, she needs to be seen by a Pulmonologist and her primary care pysician would have referred her to one. Did he? (Personally, it sounds like she has just made all this up for sympathy to draw the attention away from the CRIME that she committed against her son.)
    As far as the issue with your credit, while it is true that you do establish your own credit, his credit WILL cause problems when you want to buy a house or if he wants to take out a car loan. Even if he is able to get credit, he will be penalized by being charged high interest rates because of bad credit. (My brother married a woman that is terrible at managing money. She eventually ruined their credit and my brother was charged much higher interest on the mortgage then he should have had to pay because of her. So, it DOES EFFECT YOU TOO!!!
    I know you don't want to hear this, but your potential marriage already has a very big strike against it. Did you know that financial problems are one of the biggest reasons for divorce in this country? Just because you have already begun planning the wedding is no reason for not at the very least postponing it. If you think it is hard cancelling a wedding, that will be nothing compared to the emotional pain of a divorce down the road. Especially is there are children involved. I know how it is when you are young and in love, (I remember the feelings), but reality is what you need to focus on. (When I was engaged, my parents did not want me to marry my husband due to him not having a history of stablility in his jobs and the cultural and socio-economic differences. He grew up poor and I grew up middle-class in a nice suburban neighborhood and went to private schools my entire life, even through college. They were concerned that our major differences would cause problems and did not think he was the right person for me. Piranna, they were right. All the concerns they had about my husband did cause major problems in our marriage. Plus, there were other problems I have had to deal with. As hard as this is to say, if I realized then all the emotional pain and difficulty I would have in my marriage, I would never have married my husband. I have had many heartaches that I should not have had to deal with. I explained to you the in-law financial problems we had as well in my initial post that I have deleted. Although my husband has changed significantly now, I went through almost 19 years of a very difficult marriage. I think if I had went into marriage with my eyes wide open, I would have cancelled the engagement. As hard as it would have been, I would have looked for someone with more stability and looked at the family of origin that he grew up in. You do marry not just the man, but his entire backround. It is part of who he is and you can not erase that.
    When we are young, we tend to idealize marriage into a Cinderella fairy tale. It is not like that at all. Unfortunately, many women when they are young, (myself included) don't look at the situation like it is. You have a MAJOR RED FLAG in your situation. Please look at this realistically. His family WILL be involved with your life forever as long as you are with him. His mother knows how to manipulate HIM and all the evidence is showing us that he IS putting her interests before the good of your future. This is NOT going to change. I guarantee you, she will not pay the credit card off. She does not have any CHARACTER. You and your fiance WILL get stuck paying it off. I am not talking about just missing one or two payments. I am sure she will not pay for almost the entire debt.
    I know someone at my church whose mother did the exact same thing. She wound up paying off the entire credit card bill that her mother ran up. She was told by legal authorities that the only way she could get off not being responsible was to file charges against her mother. She was not willing to do that so she got stuck with the debt.
    His mother is an irresponsible, lying, manipulative woman. Do you really want to become part of her family? Please look at this situation realistically. At the very least, postpone your wedding. As painful as it is now, it is not anywhere as painful as it will be later on after you are married and realze that you have made a mistake.
    I know hearing this must really hurt and I am so sorry. Please don't make a mistake that you will later regret.

    Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 06-11-2005 at 07:13 AM.

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 07:06 AM   #15
    goody2shuz
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    Re: boyfriend/fiances parents dilema prt.2

    Piranna ~ Goody has been sitting by the sidelines watching others offer wonderful advice. And I must say that Blue Eyed Lady's advice is right on. Right away when you posted about the next drama.....I saw clear manipulation here. Believe me, I have in laws that are masters of manipulation (MOM) and the leader in the pack often ends up being MOM!!!!

    Blue is correct....if you think that this is going to magically disappear, you are soooo WRONG. If anything....it will increase by 100 times. All my in laws live out of state (a natural physical disassociation) however, the emotional abuse and manipulation has definitely been a hardship in our marriage. However, thank God, my husband & I have been working together to make sure it doesn't destroy our marriage. And believe me, it has taken a great deal of work in order to do this and has caused many arguments as well. We have come to the realization together most recently, that their motive is envy and they would like nothing more than to see that their antics destroy what is most precious to us....our marriage and family. A good friend here pointed out to me that my in laws treatment of us is quite abusive. And my husband and I have decided to work together in making sure that this no longer happens. My suggestion is that you do the same with your fiance. If he is unable to do this and insure that his family will not abuse you by taking a stand to unite with you in the efforts of standing up to them if need be, then I would strongly suggest that you reevaluate your future with him. I must say.....that the most painful moments in our marriage, for me, were when my husband didn't take a stand for me or our daughters when we were being abused by his family. We have come far in this area, but I still remember that pain & would hate for you to have to go through it.

    I am giving you a mere glimpse into the crystal ball.....do not convince yourself that this will all go away.....your in laws will not change but you and your fiance have to in order to have a successful marriage. I hope this helps you see that what lies ahead is not a pretty picture unless you see that your future husband is willing to put you first ahead of his family, which in my honest opinion, he has yet to do. Please take the steps to insure that he is able to, before marrying him.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-11-2005 at 07:10 AM.

     
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