It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • please help guys!

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 06-09-2005, 11:56 PM   #1
    Snails
    Senior Veteran
     
    Snails's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 1,137
    Snails HB UserSnails HB User
    please help guys!

    Hi everyone,

    I had another really nice date with J tonight, but I'm worried now that I might have made a mess of things. I'm not very interested or very good about talking about my feelings, so when we got into a conversation about our past dating experiences and online dating, I don't think I handled it well at all. Now I feel really weird and don't know exactly what to think...he didn't seem to think anything was wrong, but I still feel like I screwed up. First of all, I was probably a bit too open in talking about the number of past relationships I have had and how quickly I've jumped from one relationship to the next (sometimes with overlap, and going by the sheer number of guys I've dated, the amount of sexual experience I've had is probably intimidating to all but the most confident and experienced men). If J feels threatened by that, then I don't want to be with him anyway, but still, I feel like I said too much and didn't do a very good job of explaining myself clearly. Usually I would just tell myself, ok, well at least you were honest, and if he doesn't like you anymore because of who you are, then you're much better off without him.

    But I didn't stop there...I then told him I noticed his profile was up and asked if he was seeing (or looking to meet) any other women online through the site we met on. He said no and explained that he was no longer a paying member; in fact, he had only signed up for a free trial in order to meet me one day when he was searching for matches on his friend's account. Then I felt like I had been nosy and inappropriate by checking out his profile and asking him about it...that's just not me at all. Usually I am so far from being at all jealous or clingy that I err on the side of sometimes being too independent, but I felt like it came across that I was pressing him for some kind of commitment. He did say he wasn't interested in any other girls and was blown away by me, which made me feel better, but I still felt like I ended up coming across as fishing for reassurance. Worse, then J. asked me if I was still talking to and/or dating anyone online, and I stumbled and babbled and didn't really come up with a coherent, firm answer. I said that while I was still chatting with some guys I had met, I wasn't nearly as interested in dating a lot of different guys as I had been before I started seeing him. But when he asked how many guys I'd dated since we started seeing each other two weeks ago, I was honest and said two, which he didn't seem all that happy to hear. It doesn't sound as bad now that I type it all out, but at the time I felt really awkward and stupid--it just wasn't the kind of conversation I wanted to have nor the type of subject I am comfortable and skilled at discussing. That put me in a shy, moody state of mind, and I think J. thought it was because I didn't get the kind of answers I wanted from him or something. I tried to explain that I was just frustrated that I wasn't able to express myself clearly and say what I wanted to say, but I didn't do such a great job getting that point across either. He kept trying to cheer me up which only made me feel like an even bigger, stupider jerk, but finally I ended that conversation by saying I don't want to be nosy or tell him what to do, and that we should both do whatever we want.

    Other than that conversation, the rest of the date went really well: he took me to an art museum, then we cooked dinner together and watched a movie. As usual, we had a great time, great conversation, and there was lots of great chemistry and affection between us. As it got to be time for him to leave, he asked me if I wanted to hang out tomorrow, then like an idiot I said that I had already kind of committed myself to another date, but that I wasn't all that enthusiastic about going and was considering cancelling. He told me to let him know one way or another tomorrow, and that we could hang out Saturday if I wanted to join him and his friends who were in from out of town. By this time I wanted to kick myself--I felt like I had pretty much ruined the evening and possibly also his opinion of me, and that I hadn't been able to express anything I wanted to say. Instead, everything just seemed to come out totally wrong and I ended up feeling really stupid. Finally, at the end of the night, I finally had the sense to tell him I would much rather see him tomorrow than some stranger (which I had been trying, but failing, to express all along), and he was really happy to hear that. He smiled huge, said, "finally, that's the answer I've been hoping for!", and gave me a long, amazing kiss out by my car. So that obviously cheered me up a little, but I'm still not sure how much damage I did rambling on and saying things I didn't mean to say. I really like him SO much, and I'd be angry at myself if I did anything to screw that up.

    Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I should handle this from now on? Since I already kept blabbering on much longer than I should, which didn't help matters any tonight, I'm kind of thinking that I should just drop the subject and not say anything more. I seem to only dig myself a deeper and deeper grave when I try to dig my way out of such situations...but on the other hand, I want J. to know that I really like him, and that all the other guys I've met or talked to online pale in comparison to him. I'm not quite ready to give up completely on dating other guys, though J. has consistently demonstrated his interest in dating me seriously. I'm just really confused about how we left things, how everything I said came across to J, and what I should do tomorrow and from now on. Should I just let this topic go until (hopefully) we get closer and decide to make it official that we are dating each other exclusively? I'm afraid it seemed like I was trying to make him jealous, trying to pry into his private life, and/or trying to fish for compliments or a more concrete committment from him, NONE of which is remotely true. Sorry for rambling yet again, guys, I just am feeling really confused and needed to vent...I really hope I'm blowing this out of proportion and J. thinks it's no big deal. He certainly was cool and sweet to me, as always, and didn't indicate that he was bothered or turned off by what I said, but I still feel like I was acting really strange and confusing. Please help me if you have any advice or suggestions at all...thanks!

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 06-10-2005, 02:32 AM   #2
    Snails
    Senior Veteran
     
    Snails's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 1,137
    Snails HB UserSnails HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Okay, so I decided to write him an email--what do you guys think? Should I say anything else when I see him tomorrow or just let this go now that I finally managed to say what I'd been trying to say all along?? Here is what I wrote:

    Thanks for taking me out tonight...I had a great time with you, as always. I still feel a little bad/weird about some of the things I said though--nothing seemed to come out even close to how it was intended, and I felt like I ended up saying things I didn't mean and not saying the things I wanted to say. I hope you can be patient and forgiving with me and not attach too much weight to anything I said, as sometimes I do not communicate very well in spontaneous conversations. What I really meant to talk about was that I really like you and enjoy being around you--I feel like we connect really well mentally and physically. I would much rather spend time with you than the other guys I've dated online since I signed up, but I think at this point, we should both feel free to date whoever and whenever we want until (when and if) we decide otherwise.

    I really am not manipulative, controlling or jealous at all when it comes to men and dating, though I don't feel like that came across in what I said earlier tonight. I just want to have a good time with all this, let things unfold naturally in their own time, and not put any artificial pressure or expectations on anything. I am definitely less enthusiastic about meeting and dating new guys since I met you, because few other guys compare to you in terms of possessing so many of the qualities I look for, but I think the discussion I inadvertently stumbled into tonight was inappropriately premature. If things continue to go well, there may come a point in the future where it makes more sense to have that kind of discussion, but at this point, it was unintentional but still stupid to me to get into the kind of conversation that I started (in which I know I seemed weird, but hopefully not quite as weird as I felt!). Truly, I'm still pretty confused about this dating stuff and when is the right time to do things, etc.--so if you can please try to bear with me, I will try to be as honest and candid with you as possible. I'm not at all interested in playing games of any kind, but instead just want to enjoy myself, meet great people, and see how things develop. I hope this all makes a little more sense than most of the blabbering I did tonight (though I really think that it HAS to, because I didn't have a clue what I was talking about most of the time I was rambling on earlier! :-). I definitely would have not said most of it if I had time to think it over, and the things that I did mean to say generally came out distorted.

    OK, I'm going to stop apologizing and explaining now, and hope that you understand a little better where I'm coming from and don't attach much weight to anything odd or strange that I said earlier. All I really wanted to say is that I'm happy that we met, that I have a great time around you, that I find you interesting and appealing in a variety of ways, and that I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know you better and spending more time together. I hope that's not too forward, but as you may have noticed, being demure is not exactly my strong suit, nor is it a quality I view as particularly useful or admirable. I also hope you feel the same way about the last few things I said, and that you don't take me too seriously unless my behavior warrants it, which is quite infrequently--and so far you haven't, which is one of the things I like best about you :-). Now I am finally exhausted, and I can't wait to crawl in between my silky, air-conditioned sheets and have some very sweet dreams. I hope you have already gotten started on some great dreams of your own, and that you have a good night sleep and a productive day tomorrow at your lab. I'm looking forward to seeing you later on tomorrow--have a great day in the meantime!!

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 04:41 AM   #3
    LittleRose1982
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    LittleRose1982's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 725
    LittleRose1982 HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Hey Snails!
    You sound just like me with the overanalyzation!! That's exactly what you're doing, you know. And it's because you were nervous with an uncomfortable subject! So many times I have wished I could take back stupid things I've said and done around a guy, and I sometimes overcompensate with appologies which only brings his attention to it more... and 99% of the time he hadn't even been thinking that I had said or done anything wrong! It sounds to me like J really likes you and had a great time with you. He seems to want a serious relationship, and you've got to decide if that's what YOU want as well! You said no one compares to him but that you still want to search around on the personals a bit more- WHY? He seems wonderful!!

    Don't feel like you did anything wrong when you told him you were still looking around. It's a dating site- that's what people do. And you weren't being the least bit nosey or possessive by asking him if he's seeing anyone else online. He asked you the same question!!! Not only that, he came on stronger than YOU with the whole "I'm blown away by you" talk. I'm wondering if he's kicking himself for revealing that so soon just the same way you are kicking YOURSELF!

    Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you were completely honest with him, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in that sense. He asked you the questions, you answered with honesty. If he has a problem with the amount of men you've dated, then he's either got to get over it or move on. It's out on the table now, so at least you know that if he sticks around it's something he's okay dealing with. I don't think you even needed to send the e-mail to him at all. He invited you out to meet his friends and was overcome with joy when you told him you wanted to go out a second time. What more can the man say? He's interested!!!

    Give yourself a break and try not to do the girly "overanalyzation" thing. It will drive you insane. There's no getting inside his head and there's no taking back your words. You were nervous. I'm sure he was too. But when you meet a great guy, there's nothing you can do wrong to make him lose interest in you as long as you're honest with him. If he likes you, he's going to like you no matter how much you talked about your ex's!!

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 05:34 AM   #4
    goody2shuz
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: New York
    Posts: 5,805
    goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Stacey ~ Welcome to the healing hearts club When I read your post I couldn't help but smile as your cyber mom. Your total vulnerability and true feelings....the nonintellectual but sensitive feeling side of you is reemerging after being stirred up by a man who you really want to hold your heart. The rambling and fumbling for the right words to say and your deep concern as to how J. may take it, is a very clear sign that you are standing on the edge of the cliff all ready to jump and take the risk of trying those wings out again. And the only real test to try out our wings is to take that leap and with all our deep faith in our selves and in love.....we take the running start and go for it!!! I know that you're still gauging the distance in order to make sure it's a successful leap because yo really don't want to end up landing n your behind like you did those other times you decided to do so. In tennis terms, you're looking to make that perfect serve so that you can get the next point. It takes everything we got in order to do so and yet just before the jump or the serve we are still thinking about that possibility of something going wrong. Perhaps the wind will throw us all off or we won't put in all the skills that we have been taught and it won't go as we had planned. It's all about risk, Stacey, everything that we have good in our lives, if we really look at it, took a great amount of risk on our part.

    What you showed J. last night was the real you. The vulnerable you, the sensitive you and the feeling you. If anything, he is going to be blown away by that.....up to this point he has seen the overly confident, intellectual, gutsy Stacey, however yesterday you gave him a glimpse of the Stacey that he is going to absolutely melt over. I have no doubt in my mind that you had won his heart last night. Others here may feel differently, but when I read your post I felt like I was watching one of those Lifetime movies of the Sex and the City type girl who goes out after love and has a happily ever after ending. You just know it's coming and are just sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to see if it's going to turn out exactly as you imagine it in your mind!!! I'm here watching and waiting, Stacey

    Some here may see that you have put yourself too much out there by sending the email, however, I think otherwise. I think that as J. reads what you are going through he is going to see something very special.....that you are willing to risk your past pain and give him a chance to have your heart. I imagined a great big smile on his face as he read your email.....and I am almost certain that his dreams were quite sweet and that today will be a wonderful day for him as he awakes to a new beginning. You did all the right things, at the point where he may have lost confidence in thinking that he may not have the chance at exclusively having you, you reeled him right back in and erased any of those fears. If anything, I see by J.'s reactions that he is most definitely into you and feeling quite vulnerable himself. What better thing to happen than to have two fabuolous people taking a risk in finding love again.

    Please do not be afraid.....I remember the very moment that I went on babbling much like you, Tom & I were standing on a dock by the water and I felt much like you, that I was saying all the wrong things....all the things that I held inside came fumbling out and the more I seemed to think about correcting them the more they came out Tom kissed me and as I look back on that moment, it was the moment when the protective shield I had embossed around my heart started peeling away. I let Tom into a place that "few men have ever travelled before" and he realized it and thus the kiss. He had been waiting for that moment as he later shared with me. He told me that he loved every part of me up to that point but sensed that I was holding back. He was patient with me and waited so very patiently and confidently for that moment. I was still seeing other guys, and Tom knew, but none of them seemed to have the power to have that glimpse of my heart. At that moment Tom knew that he had won my heart and very shortly after I decided that I only wanted to date him, which was all that he wanted. Tom often refers to our initial dating as "the Battle of the Heart". And, he fought hard and with gentle confidence knowing with time and risk, he would win the battle.

    Stacey, I see the same thing happening in your future just by what you describe to me. I KNOW how scarey a time it is for you, but last night you took the first part of your running start. Soon you will be leaping boldly off that cliff and soaring in the sky with those mighty wings or yours, confidently flying on the current of new love. And as a bird uses it's wings, you will feel the joy of using them to do what you most enjoy.....confidently gliding and reaching new destinations with your beautiful heart.

    You asked me to read your post, and I see everything going as planned. Everything is going naturally as it should....relax and enjoy and be prepared for J.'s response to yesterday. And don't you dare hold back any of the details as we anxiously await. Thanks for bringing a smile to Goody's day

    (((((HUGS))))))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-10-2005 at 06:13 AM.

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 07:41 AM   #5
    heartlandguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2004
    Location: Nebraska
    Posts: 1,311
    heartlandguy HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Stacy, as I see things, J is very pleased with you. You have established a pattern of being respectful, honest and open with him, which I think is wonderful, and don’t change that in any way in the future... continue being true to yourself.

    While you were unhappy with the way you communicated, I’m sure J analyzed you as being very honest and very concerned about his perceptions of you. Everyone feels very vulnerable when revealing their past and their feelings to a potential partner so your unpolished manner must have been very believable. Had you come across as too polished under those circumstances, that would signal that you are a bit “too good” and “too comfortable” with breezing in and out of love, which of course is a bad image to project. Truly difficult moments should never appear easy… unless your partner is the same way and very few non-players are.

    Best of all, you didn’t pressure him by asking him to reveal similar information about himself. Overall, you told him a lot of what he must have been dying to know about you yet you respected him enough to allow him to decide when he should do the same. Very well done, Stacy; you really are a great catch and J knows it. He loves what you have been feeding him thus far so give him a steady diet of it. You, like my wife, have the gift of having a playful nature without playing games; guys can’t get enough of that type of variety.

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 08:43 AM   #6
    Hoop
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Hoop's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Location: Rocking IN. USA
    Posts: 1,046
    Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Relax! You are over analyzing everything. Slow down. Take it at a SNAIL’S pace. This is so unlike you, based on reading many of your previous posts. Where is the confident, intelligent, and independent Escargot?

    It seems the guy really likes you as well. In this point, you should really stop talking about your other dates with him unless to tell him you are not interested in dating anyone else but him at the moment. It may just end up confusing him otherwise. For example, on your email to him, your first paragragh started out great, but then you ended it with “but I think at this point, we should both feel free to date whoever and whenever we want until (when and if) we decide otherwise.” It seems like you said this for his benefit, to give him the freedom to date others if he chooses, but it can also come across as you still wanting to date others.

    Your second paragragh is you, but yet so unlike you. In this case, you seem to be over explaing and over analyzing your time spent with him. Don’t over do it. It will all come out naturally if you just give it time.

    Overall, your email to him is very good and helps explain to him how you really feel about him. The guy should have no problem figuring out you really like his company and want to get to know him better. It’s not uncommon for first dates to be awkward. Don’t let that bother you.

    YOU’RE DOING OK!

    Did you really write this in the middle of the night!? No wonder you’re exhausted.

    HOOP!

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 09:17 AM   #7
    nikmurph
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Location: Washington
    Posts: 35
    nikmurph HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Hi Snails,

    I'm not sure if this is the case, but sometimes guys thrive on competition. I once heard a male friend say that if a girl isn't pursued by others or 'busy' she seems less interesting..lol-- sounds ridiculous but I believe it. Of course that stuff ends after becoming serious, but I'd say there's no harm in exploring all your options and being honest while reaping the benefits with your choice

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 09:22 AM   #8
    SophiaM
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SophiaM's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 5,529
    SophiaM HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Hey Stacy, did you already send this email to him? If not, then I would say don't send it; it's not really necessary to explain yourself in such detail at this point. Just keep going out with him and having a good time!

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 09:27 AM   #9
    greeneyes100
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2005
    Posts: 1,773
    greeneyes100 HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Hey Stacy, did you already send this email to him? If not, then I would say don't send it; it's not really necessary to explain yourself in such detail at this point. Just keep going out with him and having a good time!
    Stacy, you have nothing to worry about, really. You are overanalyzing the whole situation. He was probably very flattered that you turned down your other date for him. It's a huge ego boost for a man to be picked over the competition.

    The fact that he knows he has some competition will probably only make him want you more.

    But in the future I wouldn't mention that you are dating anyone else. Until he tells you he wants to be exclusive, you have every right to date other men, even though you don't want to.

    The guy sounds like he's head over heels to me, so NOT TO WORRY.

     
    Old 06-10-2005, 09:53 AM   #10
    tenagain
    Senior Member
     
    tenagain's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 187
    tenagain HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    don't send the e-mail....the e-mail is as chatty if not more than what you already told him. Leave it alone...after all you told him he still wanted to go out with you so just let sleeping dogs lie and don't worry about it. If you keep pushing the issue he will think you have something to hide or be ashamed of. From this point on just continue to be honest with him and RELAX!

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 02:05 PM   #11
    Snails
    Senior Veteran
     
    Snails's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 1,137
    Snails HB UserSnails HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Thank you all so much...you were so right, and I can't tell you how much it helped to hear what you said from objective, wise people whose opinions I really respect and trust. I was definitely overanalyzing the situation and worrying too much over something that wasn't nearly as big a deal as I made it into, but thankfully, everything still turned out really well when I got together with J. last night. Like you said, Little Rose, I don't even think J. thought anything I said was bad or scary...he's a pretty confident, secure, and unflappable guy, which is key if he's going to make it with me! You are also 100% right that there's nothing wrong with being honest with someone you like, and after 3 very long dates with J, I'm pretty sure that he feels as strongly about me as I do about him. He didn't say anything about the email at first, and when I asked him if he got it, he laughed and said he did, but it cracked him up how I said I needed to tell him stuff I hadn't said right earlier, but then proceeded to repeat all the same ramblings (my word, not his, fortunately). We played a long game of tennis, then changed to go to dinner, at which point he mentioned again how he was amused at me declaring we can both see whoever we want. We had a really good talk about our past dating experiences and our attitudes toward relationships, so I was really relieved that everything seemed totally comfortable and normal.

    Afterward we went back to my apartment, and he installed my air conditioner. We watched DVDs in my room and I was so happy to be with him that I asked him to stay over, though I told him I thought it was probably too early to have sex. He was cool and respectful about that, not making a big deal at all, and was very happy to stay over with me. Well, while I wasn't ready to go al the way quite yet, I couldn't keep my hands off him, and we stayed up most of the night fooling around. It was really amazing...not only is there fantastic chemistry between us, but he also knows exactly how to please me. He's really generous and unselfish in bed and spent the vast majority of the time trying to make me feel as wonderful as I possibly could, if you know what I mean . I'm pretty easy to please sexually, but I definitely appreciated his enthusiasm--I tend to only go for guys who think making women happy is at least as important as satisfying themselves. I'm a very generous partner once I feel comfortable, but it's important to me that a guy demonstrate that he is also generous and unselfish before he can reap those benefits.

    Anyway, it was an absolutely fantastic night, all in all, and I think things are moving at just the right pace. I know some people advocate and prefer moving much slower where physical stuff is concerned, but I can't stand to wait very long to get physical. Plus, I'd rather find out sooner if there's not much of a sexual connection there, because it would probably be a deal-breaker if I didn't feel any physical desire for a guy I liked once things got to that stage. Fortunately, J. was everything I hoped for and more, and I'm looking very much forward to taking the next step once it feels right. He was also so sweet, snuggling me all night and making sure I was tucked in and comfortable beside him. In the morning, he gave me a massage and combed my hair (which I just love). We had a great morning just hanging out snuggling in bed, talking and laughing about all sorts of things. He told me that he took down his online dating profile and would be happy if I did the same, but that he didn't want me to feel at all pressured about that. So it seems like all my fears and worrying was in vain--he doesn't want to date anyone else, and I'm more and more sure every day that I don't either. I just feel so lucky to have found a guy who impresses and pleases me in every way, and especially a guy who has the confidence to make it clear how he feels about me so I don't have any doubts and we can both be honest and open with each other. He had to leave to garden and take care of his lawn, but he wants me to go out later with him and some of his friends from out of town, or come over after that to watch movies. When I first woke up this morning, I worried for a minute that things might feel weird and/or awkward, but J. made it obvious that he was more excited and into me than ever, and couldn't wait to see me again. What a sweetheart--I wish more guys would realize that even the most independent, self-assured women appreciate consistent reassurances (and actions to back them up) that the guys we date really, really want to be with us. So everything worked out just fine, thankfully, and you guys were a huge help in soothing my doubts.

    Goody, so does this quality as taking that big leap off of the cliff? It sure feels that way, though I'm quite sure that I'll land somewhere soft and safe. I can tell that by the way J. looks at me and handles me like I am a very delicate prize. I'm almost 100% sure that I want to give it a shot with J. now that he's made it clear he'd like to date exclusively and get more serious--do you guys think it's OK to just go for it? Goody, what a sweet and touching story about you and Tom...you guys are both very fortunate, and your story is extremely inspiring to me. I really hope that things turn out to be the happy ending that you're awaiting! Heartland, I really, really appreciate your kind, supportive words...it's so nice to hear from a guy whose opinion I admire so much that I'm on the right track. You confirmed several things I thought were true, but now that I've heard it from you, I'm even more confident and optimistic about how things are progressing with J. Hoop, you are totally right, and I'm doing my best, after that uncomfortable night of waiting, to get back to my usually happy and confident Snaily state of mind. I think the email wasn't a very good idea, but fortunately it didn't seem to do any harm, and it's never a bad idea to remind people you like how much you enjoy their company. Well, unfortunately I sent the email before I got your replies, but I think you guys were right that it wasn't necessary, and I hope you're right that he likes having some competition. Greeneyes, I am going to take your advice from now on and no longer mention other guys or other dates...I'm not even sure I want to date anyone but J. at this point, but either way, I think it would be best not to discuss it anymore. I sure am happy that he told me he doesn't want to meet or date any other women though!! Thanks again to all of you...you're the best, and I will try hard to live up to your advice. Have a great weekend, and I'll be sure to keep you posted.

     
    Old 06-11-2005, 04:26 PM   #12
    Dido_H
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Posts: 89
    Dido_H HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Stacy?
    You present yourself as a very insecure person. While he sounds genuinely interested in you, the fact that you mention other men/dating etc only shows that you are trying to gain him by showing him how desired you are. On the other hand, you devote a lot of time thinking about him, emailing to him, spending time with him--which speaks for itself. you, of course, want to be open and genuine, which is nice. But would you like it if he was as open as you are about not past experiences, but potential ones? This can also be called openness on his part, according to your logic. Instead, you are keen to know if he's still keeping his profile or not!!!!
    Openness is also being able to express your feelings to him without all these fears. When you meet someone, it is very important to let them know how special they are, if you are interested in them that is, rather than talking about all men on your dating agenda. It started romantic but in order to keep it so, you have got to give him as much freedom as you demand yourself.
    Best of luck in your next dates with him.

    Last edited by Dido_H; 06-11-2005 at 04:29 PM.

     
    Old 06-12-2005, 01:45 AM   #13
    Snails
    Senior Veteran
     
    Snails's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 1,137
    Snails HB UserSnails HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dido_H
    Stacy?
    You present yourself as a very insecure person. While he sounds genuinely interested in you, the fact that you mention other men/dating etc only shows that you are trying to gain him by showing him how desired you are. On the other hand, you devote a lot of time thinking about him, emailing to him, spending time with him--which speaks for itself. you, of course, want to be open and genuine, which is nice. But would you like it if he was as open as you are about not past experiences, but potential ones? This can also be called openness on his part, according to your logic. Instead, you are keen to know if he's still keeping his profile or not!!!!
    Openness is also being able to express your feelings to him without all these fears. When you meet someone, it is very important to let them know how special they are, if you are interested in them that is, rather than talking about all men on your dating agenda. It started romantic but in order to keep it so, you have got to give him as much freedom as you demand yourself.
    Best of luck in your next dates with him.
    Okay, I'm pretty confused...very little of your post makes sense to me, though I do appreciate your attempt to help. But where are getting all of your information and conclusions about me? Unfortunately, your assumptions are so far off base that your advice isn't really relevant, as it just doesn't seem to apply to me or to this situation at all. People have described me as many things, but never, ever, in all my life, as remotely insecure--I think everyone who knows anything about me would say I err on the side of being a bit too confident, if anything. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about the details, and I do realize that I was unusually worried about our conversation I mentioned in the first post of this thread, but the reality of the situation is almost exactly the opposite of what you assumed and described.

    Can you clarify whether you were trying to say that J should be more open about what he wants to happen in the future? I had a hard time understanding most of your post both because I had trouble following your argument and because I was very confused about why you reached the conclusions you stated. For the record, J has been nothing but totally open and honest with me about how much he likes me and wants to date me exclusively; I'm the one who thinks it might be too soon to settle down. I am still on the dating website and considering meeting some other guys, but I only briefly brought this up with J. for the exact opposite of the reason you assumed. The last thing I would ever want to do is make him jealous or doubt how much I like him; instead I intended to reassure him that I really, really like him and am less and less interested in dating other guys each time we get together. Likewise, I am doing the exact opposite of what you described as me restricting his freedom while wanting unlimited freedom for myself...instead, I want to make sure he knows that I didn't expect him to date only me until we discussed it and both agreed to see each other exclusively. He ended up telling me of his own accord that he took down his profile and didn't want to date other women, but I certainly didn't request that he do so or ask him to do anything remotely like that.

    I guess I did a really bad job of explaining what's going on, because you seem to have taken what I said as the complete opposite of what I intended to say. I hope that is a little more clear, and I apologize for giving you impressions that were so far from the actual truth of the situation. In reality, I'm not at all possessive or manipulative when it comes to J, and I really couldn't be less clingy or dependent. I definitely don't want to make him jealous, and I didn't want to mention dating other guys--that only came up because I wanted to make sure that he knew that I wanted him to feel free to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants. He is the one who brought up the topic of dating me exclusively out of the blue and made it clear that he took down his profile because he is uninterested in dating anyone else. While I was quite happy to hear this, I certainly wasn't concerned about it or putting any pressure on him to make such a commitment--quite the opposite, in fact. I never requested that he remove his profile or implied that I wanted him to date only me, especially so soon. And in reality, I do everything I can NOT to make him jealous and consistently try to demonstrate and tell him just how much I like him and enjoy his company. Actually, I'm not the one putting the majority of the effort into thinking or maintaining our relationship as you seem to have assumed...that's just so not me, and honestly, I don't know where you could possibly have gotten that idea. Well okay, I hope that elaboration helped clear things up...I must say I'm still quite confused about what you were trying to say and what prompted you to reach the conclusions you did. I do appreciate your effort to help me out, and what I can understand of your post does make sense, it just doesn't seem to remotely apply to this particular situation. But thanks anyway...I will try to be much more clear in future posts in order to hopefully avoid any other drastic misunderstandings.

     
    Old 06-12-2005, 03:06 PM   #14
    Dido_H
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2005
    Posts: 89
    Dido_H HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    ok Snails, sorry about that, but I am a foreigner and maybe was not able to express what I meant clearly. Anyway, wish you all the best.

    Last edited by Dido_H; 06-12-2005 at 04:33 PM.

     
    Old 06-13-2005, 09:41 AM   #15
    LittleRose1982
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    LittleRose1982's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 725
    LittleRose1982 HB User
    Re: please help guys!

    Stacy,
    Congratulations!!! I'm so glad the date went well with J!! Sounds perfect! And I definitely think you should take that leap off the cliff, take your profile down, and settle in with this incredible guy who is completely into you!!
    Yes, isn't it great when you come to find out that you have amazing sexual chemistry with someone you really like? It almost seals the deal for me. I think your situation is really starting to resemble mine! And if you're feeling anything like what I'm feeling, ENJOY EVERY SECOND! You obviously really like this guy, and he really likes you. And all your worries you expressed just turned into an opportunity to share a laugh together! Isn't that wonderful? Now don't second guess yourself anymore, and just go with the flow of this. He sounds amazing!
    I know you have been writing to me on my thread, and I wanted to let you know that I did follow your advice and "did the deed" with the love of my life... and I'm so glad I did because it only made me realize that the sexual chemistry is beyond what I ever thought was possible. Better to know the answer to that question NOW than 2 months from now when you're already much more emotionally attached.
    Your relationship with J seems to have a lot of potential, and it's very encouraging that he took down his profile. Definitely don't talk about dating other guys. He's already interested! YOu don't have to say/do anything to try to get him interested at this point. Now all you have to do is be yourself and let the relationship grow.
    GOOD LUCK!!!!!

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Root canal advice please please help adrian32 Dental Health 0 04-20-2010 08:09 AM
    Long, but worth a scan at least. Please:). Chubbycheeks Relationship Health 4 12-13-2007 07:47 AM
    please help--how should I respond to these guys? stacykgb20 Relationship Health 8 09-25-2005 10:15 PM
    Please Help Me With This Addiction! Creeky Addiction & Recovery 26 06-19-2004 09:55 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:17 PM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!