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evy38 06-21-2005 07:52 PM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
I think we can all agree Peter needs to talk to his partner about his concerns. Hopefully they will both talk and listen. Good luck to you Peter.

Peter_b 06-24-2005 02:20 AM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
Thankyou both for your insight and honesty. No need to say sorry for your comments Junrerose, U are actually raising quite a few thougths for me. I dont wish to go into details but divorce in Ireland will either happen very quickly or takes up to 2 years.
Evy38, I dont want exclsuive emotional rights at all, I find it very fulfilling for all concerned where the emotional environment of a relationship is not constrained. I also do not want to invest in a relationship abpve and beyond what I consider to be appropriate, thats not fair on either party. U are spot on when u say I dont know what she wants. Thought I did before the death of her cousin...but not any more...and the thing is I understand that things change, for everyone in circumstances such as this. We cant get to apoint where this is a shared understanding. I suppose its just inevitable that there is always fall out and it appears to be within our relationship. I love my partner. Of this I am certain. She is need of support and some understanding and thinking on whats being said between us both, whats she is doin as in she is at a distance to me all the time, I find it difficult if not impossible to express support and understanding. It s from this basic point I am coming from. This is what i dont understand. I know If I am sick or worried, I would liek to think I would turn to my significant other for some of the above and elsehwhere if it was not working....not the other way around.
Junerose, theres lots in what u say for me to think about.

Thank You both

evy38 06-24-2005 09:10 AM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
Hi Peter,
Sounds to me like you would like for the two of you to be closer then you are and rely on each other more then you two currently do. The problem is; I don't know how you get there with your philosophy on relationships. If I had to guess, it would have been your marriage that shaped this philosophy?

Peter_b 06-27-2005 03:23 AM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
Again, thanks for your reply. I am not so sure I agree with all of your sentiments however. Is it not always the case that we are 'shaped' by our past experiences, mariages,deaths, births, relationships etc etc. Is this not normal.
I believe its possible that my experiences in the past, my maturity as a grown man has prepared me for this relationship in a positive way...but then thats me. Another man might view himself as a victim of sorts. Now this I believe has shown/taught me to value my relationship in a very unburdened manner. I dont want to be with anyone else, IO want to be with my partner and I want to be where we were at before this terrible tragedy(death of her cousin) occurred. It was working fine....for both of us. We both understood where each of was coming from. Things have changed, that is obvious and it has 'unsettled' me. Also I have not been able to reason with the change with the benefit my partners involvement...this is the biggest difference, tyhe biggest challenge and what is casuing me most concern. That we were always able to deal with things in our own inimitable and thats what has changed. I am trying to understand the dynamics of the situation...but sadly coming up short.
Will continue tho



evy38 06-27-2005 08:21 AM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
Hi Peter,
Thanks for catching us up. Have you had a chance to sit down and talk with her about your concerns?

dewdrop333 06-27-2005 11:05 AM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
Taken out of context .. a woman getting her bikini line waxed and getting the fake tan do not equal cheating .. I being a woman .. would do something like this if I were feeling down and wanted to feel better .. if you look good you feel good ..

As far as spending all this extra time with the other person .. here in lies where the conversation should lie. You should talk to your partner about the division of her time .. not the fact that she is taking extra care in her apperance.. Just my thought

Peter_b 06-28-2005 03:08 AM

Re: Disillusioned...dont trust my own feelings
Thanks Dewdrop333 for your comments.
There is certainly something in what you say given the perspective of 'looking good feeling good'. However within the overall context of grief and berevement it beggers belief. Thats my opinion and I have tried to move from it. I have tried to move from this belief thru conversation with my partner and no matter what way we discuss it I still cannot resolve the behaviour with the context as described above. A lot has happened since then, a lot has been said between us and I have come to an sort of reasoning of sorts.
i dont have to understand everything...thats not necessary. I can if I choose to step back from all of the confusion and in doing so I can offer my partnet some space and time to deal with her grief. I can also offer support to her when and if she needs it. I myself will get some sense of peace from this and hopefully the situation will, in time come around for the two of us. I dont believe it will ever be the same...but thats OK. Things can and will change all the time. But who knows what is in the future for the 2 of us....togteher or otherwise. Thanks for your insight...its a valuabe comment for me to think on.


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