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  • Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

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    Old 06-30-2005, 05:53 AM   #1
    GirlHarley
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    Red face Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    OK Goody and everyone, here is some of my recent happenings.
    Please, help me figure this out. It's LONG and there is more,
    but my time is limited. At least I can get it started and will add
    more later.

    What a story to tell. Life with my son and my husbands children were going very well 6 months ago. Till the day my son got his license and his father bought him a new car.

    My life has been turned up side down. Two Issues going on at the same time.
    My son falling in love and his school grades/attitude/partying all that teenage stuff.
    My son’s father (ex-husband of 16 years) is Very Much part of his life – I call him Mr. Moneybags because he spoils our son, will do anything for him but NO discipline and no concern about his future Education/College.

    My son (16) and my step-daughter (15) had a very close Best-friend relationship for the past 2 years….Before that they were young and we didn’t see much of my step-daughter due to her mother keeping her away from her father. (Yes complicated)
    Well, the friendship turned into LOVE….. Sticky situation…..
    (for those who don’t know me on this board I have been with my husband going on 7 years and recently got married-3 weeks ago.

    My husband and I were aware of the Close Bond these two kids had, we both spoke with them on numerous occasions on NOT having a relationship other then a friendship. There were times I wondered who liked who more. I would ask both of them separately and quietly if they like each other, if they liked others, why they didn’t date others, etc.
    They continue to lie to me and my husband.

    Ex-wife calls one night (5 months ago) and is “crying” that my SON & her Daughter are dating. That they are going behind our backs, they have lied, and IF my son slept with her daughter she would have to report him to DSS. I went ballistic on the woman for her claims. I grabbed my son out of a basketball game to confront him; he denied it as well as my step-daughter. I asked the ex-wife to take her daughter to the doctors and have her checked out – She said the daughter would not go. I told her if she didn’t I would since she is claiming these two slept together and the kids are dening it and she threaten me with going to DSS regarding my son. Battles went on for weeks that turned into months.

    The kids continued to denied that there was anything going on, not that we believed them but we kept a close watch and continued to communicate with them regarding the situation. Then on my first week of my new job, my son calls me upset and needs to “talk” he’s ready to tell me. I leave work, meet my son and we drive around for hours talking about everything and He admits – that yes he and step-daughter are very much in love….BUT, they NEVER had sex. Step-daughter wanted to run away from her psycho mother, wanted MY son to take off to god knows where but so they could be together.
    I told him absolutely NOT, he would be arrested. He agreed that he too didn’t want to run away. I broke my heart to see the pain my son was in, my 16 ½ years old “cool” son was crying, and you know how teenagers are – He was Never Going to Find this kind of LOVE again. In the meantime – the ex-wife was torturing me with her phone calls, accusations towards my son….My husband and I continued to work together (even though he too was very upset with my son and his daughter) in still trying to see his children who the ex-wife was using MY son to keep the children away from their father.
    I have to end this right now. And continue this later. If anyone as any wisdom to this I would appreciate it. It’s been exhausting. My son is now living with his father, haven’t seen my new husbands children in over a month – ex-wife is keeping them away. Phone calls are not being returned.

     
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    Old 06-30-2005, 06:12 AM   #2
    DustInTheWind
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Oh my, I don't even know where to begin but I just hope that things will work itself out and soon for the sake of everyone. In my culture (Asian), step-sibling romantic relationship is a taboo.

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 07:37 AM   #3
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Is there any way to physically keep these two apart until they are 18?
    I'm not understanding the taboo (they're not related by blood) - just that they are too young for this relationship. Legally she is not able to consent to sex. We all know that won't matter to two kids "in love".

    What NO one wants is a pregnant 15 yr old, right?
    Seems like there needs to be constant parental supervision - more planned activities in the separate households, and is there ANY way to separate them by a few 100 miles?
    Which doesn't mean she may still not get involved with some other kid...

    I know this probably wasn't helpful, seems simple to someone without kids and harder to deal with when the emotions are in your face - but I wanted to let you know that there are maybe some practical things..
    Oh, and that mother is an idiot to threaten putting your son in DSS.
    If she explained the laws to her daughter and told her that SHE (the daughter) could be the cause of him being arrested it might work a little better.

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 07:54 AM   #4
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    GH ~ Wow....you really are starting out your marriage with some real "fireworks" I really feel for you and I must say that you are teetering on a fine line here....my gut instincts say that the more we make of this the more we push teens in the direction we don't want them to go. Seems that they are in the wanting to be independent and all grown up know it alls phase of life. I have a saying that I recently came up with...."The more you say no.....the more they will go." I know, not exactly what you need to hear now but recently I am living in the phase of "Let go and Let God". Basically, I believe that at this stage of the game we have done our jobs of instilling good morals/values into our kids. They know what is right & wrong but I do understand the raging hormones and our wanting to prevent something that will follow our kids for the rest of their lives from happening. Afterall....we all recall living those teenage years of thinking that'll never happen to me!!!! It's a scarey thing but I think the best thing we can do right now is to become our teen's mentor, leaving the lines of communication open. My cyber best friend recently advised me of the same and I think it is wonderful advice. The worst thing we can do at this point is to dictate to our teen what must be done. We should offer advise based upon experience and share consequences that we have seen happen in our lifetime and then hope & pray that it all comes into play at the time our kids most need it.

    Recently I shared something with my 16 year old daughter. I told her that I remember when I was her age, when in situations where I was tempted to do something I knew could have bad consequences I always would hear my mother's voice coaching me through. I asked her if that had ever happened with her and she smirked and said, "All the time, mom!!!" So....I wanted to share that with you at this time to let you know that you have done a wonderful job with your son and that what you have taught him will come into play. Just his calling you at work and wanting to talk is a wonderful sign.

    I have lots to share with you on this but unfortunately I am scheduled for PT for my back in a few minutes and also limited in terms of internet service. I will check back in sometime later but just wanted to let you know that I know somewhat what you are going through. My advice would be to be alert and open to what is happening.....be aware of your son's feelings and leave the doors open to him being able to seek your advice. Also, share your experiences with him in regards to love, sex, mistakes made, etc. The more he sees your human side the more he will be able to relate. Hope this helps for now....I do have a personal story to share later but will need more time. In the meantime, don't allow this to dampen your honeymoon....you and MR. Harley seem to be doing ok so far. ......Goody

    UPDATE ~Okay GH...now that I am back I thought I would share a personal story. My 16 year old has been throwing Tom & I many curve balls over the past year. Just when we tackled the last one it always seemed that another one was being thrown our way. Well the latest was as follows......I refer to my daughter as K. ~

    A guy friend who I absolutely adore and see as a wonderful candidate as a suitor for K. but has a GF called K. with some "big" news. When she got off the phone with him she announced that he had just told her that a guy in her Spanish class (we'll call Corey) that she has had a secret long term crush on had told her guy friend that he likes her. I got excited for her and started asking about him, if he was a good student, and somebody that she was deserving of and she told me that he was a great guy but that there was something that Tom & I may have a problem with. And when I asked what it was she said......"It's just that...he's black." Tom reacted in a way I wish he hadn't. He told K. that he would disown her (a moment when his humaness emerged). I calmed him down and calmly explained that there was alot to be considered when entering an interracial relationship. She got upset and said that we were racist and prejudice and to just be open to meeting him. I shared with her that I had close friends when I was younger that were black and that I love every human being no matter what race or religion they are and that she should know better than to say that we are racist. I shared with her that my main concern as her mom was her overall happiness and that with interracial dating there are alot of factors that come into play that may affect her happiness & that is what most concerned me. I shared with her how painful it was for a good friend of mine that was biracial when it came to dating and unacceptibility by her BF's family when she dated whites and the same with blacks. She listened and I suggested that she talk to our next door neighbor a little and she came over and we discussed the pros & cons. K. called her Gram (Tom's mom) and came down in tears shortly after. I sat with her & asked what had her so upset and she shared how she was sad that no one could share in her happiness that this guy liked her. I told her that I was always happy when a guy liked her and that I WAS happy for her in a way but also saw it as something that may hurt her and that her family only loved her and wanted what's best for her. I told her to get to know this guy as a friend and that we would always open our door to any friend of hers and lets see how things go. She was upset about Tom's disowning her & I reassurred her that they were once again only words but that he loved her very much and would never be able to disown her for any reason and that he only wants what's best for her.

    A week later I asked K. what was up and she got a little quiet and I asked if she was still interested in this guy. She blurted out that things were probably not going to work out between them. I asked her why that was and she told me with all the negative feelings it wasn't the type of boyfriend relationship that she wanted. She said she had a talk with him and explained her family's feelings of how they were against interracial dating. I got a little excited saying that she shouldn't have said something like that since it might hurt his feelings....she quickly smiled and said that she was smarter than that and hadn't done that. She said that she didn't want to do something like dating him behind our backs and I exclaimed that she has never made that a reason to stop her from doing something that she really wanted in the past and that there was more to this and that I really wanted to know. I cornered her and smiling said to fess up and tell me what really happened without all the "it's all my parent's fault" nonsense and that I had no intentions of expecting her to tell me that I was right but to be honest and tell me what she had decided and how she had come to the decision. K. told me that she wanted to be able to come home with a boyfriend and for us to totally welcome him and for her to have him hang out with her at home and didn't want to get into a relationship that would have her sneaking around, but most of all she wanted us to share in her happiness. She also said that she thought about how she would be away for the summer and in a matter of time she would be going off to college and that she had decided it was probably best if she just remained friends with Corey. I jumped up and made a big deal about how she had just showed me the biggest step she had taken in becoming a mature and independent woman and she smiled and told me not to get too crazy and I hugged her and said kiddingly how it wasn't so bad coming to the same conclusions as your parents and that I was so proud of the fact that she was able to do so on her own. She smiled and we sat for a while and I told her that her dad and I, as well as all of the people who loved her, only wanted what's best for her and that I hoped that she knew that. She jumped up and said to me...."mom this doesn't mean that I won't ever date a black guy....just for now it's not the right time " I smiled and said, "K. at least I can be proud of the fact that I certainly didn't raise you to be racist.

    So, you see, GH.....things often work themselves out when we allow our kids to see that we do love them and leave the doors of communication open.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 06-30-2005 at 10:38 AM.

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 10:38 AM   #5
    GirlHarley
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Ruth - I was looking for your input too.
    I must say, you made me laugh.

    Goody - thank you too.....
    BTW, this all happened BEFORE we got married and funny thing, because we survived thru (Our Relationship) this Drama and Craziness (Jerry Springer Show) It prompt us to see how Strong our love for each other really was and decided to get married. LOL So, ex-wife is probably FURIOUS that she Could not come between our relationship. She chooses to live a miserable, self inflicked drama life and I choose not too.

    The kids, my son and my husbands daughter (who btw was adopted by him & his ex-wife at birth) managed to get through their love for each other.
    She lives in another state - but only 10 miles away from our home. My Son has moved on from her, and she too. As far as I know they are both dating others. I always thought I could handle or at least be there for my son during his "FIRST LOVE" relationship, broken heart...Just NEVER in a million years would I think it was going to be with my Future step-daughter who is now my step daughter...I have not seen her in over a month.

    Then while ALL of this was going on, my son was getting himself in more trouble with school - skipping & poor grades...I grounded him which he did not respect my wishes he called me the Bword - Unacceptable to me!
    So I called his father and told him my son should live with him for awhiile.
    My son claims I threw him out of the HOUSE - umm, lets see, he's living in a house, his own furnished bedroom with everything a teenager could want, a new car, and daddy's money to buy himself his expensive clothes...Haven't seen my son in over a month either...........

    WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 10:56 AM   #6
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    GH ~ You didn't go wrong, us mom's have to learn to give ourselves a break. Teens know just what to do or say to hurt us the most. Of course he knows as my daughter does that you are a good mom and anything that he can do or say to discredit that will be wonderful ammunition in terms of upsetting your camp. O vertime and with wonderful support here, I have learned that I am a wonderful mom and that it is best not to react and to stand my ground and simple reactions are best. When she says hurtful things to me I say, "OUCH" rather than getting into a big upsetting discussion. When your son says that you threw him out.....just tell him you are giving him space to work some of HIS issues out. Remind him that you love him & always will no matter what he says or does. The less we react the more effective we are....I know it's harder to do than we think as I often struggle to follow my own advice. But recently I have discovered that when our teens see us as humans who have feelings and who have made our share of mistakes we become much more approachable and our relationship transforms to one in which we become more equals. Think about it....our 16 year olds will be pretty much on their own in another year and they will be crossing the bridge of adolescence to adulthood. It is our job to support them in that transition keeping them safe and out of harms way by sharing our experience & wisdom along the way. And the tools they will need have all pretty much been provided. I often think of our teens as the arrows on our bows....we take aim towards the target we set for them and give it our best shot. But as good an archer we may be there are outside forces that we cannot control....the wind and the distance that we aim for may affect the end result no matter how good a marksman we are. We only can do our best and pull back on our bow and let go.....the rest is all up to the arrow. You and I are good archers our arrows are ready to launch. And I am certain that they will land just within the bullseye that we set for them, we just have to have faith enough to believe. You're son will be okay....afterall he did come here with birthday wishes once upon a time So relax and know that we all were teens once and turned out okay ~ Goody

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 11:04 AM   #7
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Sorry, didn't read the following posts.. It looks like you are on a different subject from your original post...I withdraw mine

    Last edited by nikmurph; 06-30-2005 at 11:10 AM.

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 04:44 PM   #8
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Goody, thank you so much for the great advice. Your words are so very true.
    I am going to take your approach on the OUCH.

    I also love the SPACE answer, dang - wish I posted earlier. I did stay away from the boards in case my son while living at his dads would pop in and see if I was seeking advice on this entire matter. I was to emotional to even know what to seek or write - I cried for a week straight when I had him go live with his dad - it was that or kill him

    The falling in love with my step-daughter, I was coping with and dealing with, helping both my son and my step-daughter. It's the Forbidden Fruit so to speak. It was hard for them and it hurt me to see what they were dealing with......

    the "other" adults,the threats, the lies, ie: ex-wife & a sister-in-law of my husband's who doesn't like me just because and who happens to be good friends with ex-wife. I don't care if she doesn't like me, I don't care who the sister-in-law is friends with - just stay out of my son's life and my life.
    They add no value or meaning to my life. I don't need their friendships nor do I like these types of backstabbing woman in my life who don't have a good thing to say about anyone, they form opinions based on lies etc.....

    Since I haven't seen my son in over a month and I also haven't seen my step-daughter - I do keep a watch over him through my nieces, sisters, and good friends, till he can come to terms as you said Growing Up....

    It was his attitude, with school grades, skipping school, disrespecting me, my rules, no job, no drug policy (he's tried some stuff) that just put me over the edge - my ex-husband was no help with me, just supplying my son with money....What teenager will go to work if Daddy hands out money all the time? What kind of MAN does this teenager turn into? With no Dicipline?

    How do I get through to him?

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 05:17 PM   #9
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    wow what a story, just like in the tv soaps. The wicked mom the forbidden love..I have really enjoyed reading the story. If they are not blood related then they should be together if that's what they want. They will both go to college soon so they just need to wait for each other.

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 05:39 PM   #10
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ladivapr02
    wow what a story, just like in the tv soaps. The wicked mom the forbidden love..I have really enjoyed reading the story. If they are not blood related then they should be together if that's what they want. They will both go to college soon so they just need to wait for each other.

    Thanks Ladivapr02, yeah - it's quite the story...6 months ago I would have laughed if someone told me what I was going to go through....I would have never believed it myself if I have lived through it....

    Everyone I have spoken to has said the same exact thing as you. My hopes for my son going to college is down the drain, he'll be a senior next year and his grades this year put him behind..grrrrrrrrr

    While speaking with both of them regarding their "LOVE" situation - I too said to wait, continue to be the bestfriends that you are, don't take it ANY further then that, date other people - and again WAIT till they are 25 years old, if their "teenage crush" or attraction to each other holds true then I would be fine with it....They are not blood related and she is adopted on top of everything....For the record, my new husband does not approve of any of this...and NO FUTURE relationship Besides, do I really want that physco woman, my new husband's ex-wife as my son's Mother In Law and should they have babies (in their twenties of course) we would share grandmother duties.... NO! couldn't do it...LOL.....

    As I have been told, they have not seen each other in over a month when All the Madness tooked place...Going to Aruba and getting married really got my mind off of this crazyness - it was just so bizarre.....OH, just to add....
    at my Step-son's baseball game - my bestfriend just happened to be sitting NEXT TO EX-WIFE - lol - they do not know each other - when she heard MY name mentioned along with my son's, my husband, the dauthers name - OMG, she couldn't beleive it....My Cell phone was ringing off the hook....I was getting the scoop of what she was saying about me. She had NO clue my bestfriend was sitting right next to her....TOO FUNNY.

     
    Old 06-30-2005, 07:43 PM   #11
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    thats funny girlharley...you know makes me think if I marry my current bf I will have a step daughter and a phsyco ex-wife. Lord protect me! lol

     
    Old 07-01-2005, 09:38 AM   #12
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    Re: Son & Step Daughter, HELP!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GirlHarley
    While speaking with both of them regarding their "LOVE" situation - I too said to wait, continue to be the bestfriends that you are, don't take it ANY further then that, date other people - and again WAIT till they are 25 years old, if their "teenage crush" or attraction to each other holds true then I would be fine with it....They are not blood related and she is adopted on top of everything....For the record, my new husband does not approve of any of this...and NO FUTURE relationship Besides, do I really want that physco woman, my new husband's ex-wife as my son's Mother In Law and should they have babies (in their twenties of course) we would share grandmother duties.... NO! couldn't do it...LOL.....
    Oh, GirlHarley--you never lose your sense of humor!! What a complicated situation--I have to admit it sounds so romantic, though--almost like Romeo and Juliet! Seems like you already got some great advice, and I am not really an expert on teenage LOVE, never dated anyone until I was 20, so don't even have personal experiences in the area, but just wanted you to know I'll be holding my fingers crossed that the situation resolves itself for the best. ANd yes, you're right--the fact that you and Mr. Harley got married amidst all this romantic drama only serves to prove that you are meant to be together. Stay strong and have a great weekend

     
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