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    Old 07-04-2005, 03:32 PM   #1
    dt_martini
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    Girlfriend won't move in

    My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 14 months. We are a very serious relationship. We spend every day together and she sleeps here until 3am to 4am and than I drive her back home to her familys house.

    I have been wanting her to move in since the first few months of the realtionship. In the beginning she considered it and said okay probably in a few months around fall. Than fall time came and she said probably by winter. Than winter came and she said by spring. We had a huge unrelated figth that led up to me being very emotionally hurt. I didn't talk to her for days was not planning to get back with her. During that time she had the mindframe that she would do anything to be with me include move in. I didn't take advantage of that. I wanted to wait until some of the smoke from the fight cleared. A week later she was back into I won't move in with you.

    If she had a legit reason than it would make sense but she doesn't. She only makes up excuse after excuse. First it was her parents. They would disown her if she left with a guy (later that excuse was no longer true). Another was we have not been together long enough (now we have). Now one she just said is if she moved in she would be a "*****". How this is possiable when we have a sexual relationship and sleep together everynight and than I drive her home in the wee hours of the night. I don't know how that makes sense. Than she started saying she wants to get married before moving in which she never mentioned before over the past 14 months.

    The real reason is she is scarred. She has admited to me on a few small occasions. It hurts me so bad too that she won't move in. It makes me feel like she is not that comitted. She lives with her family and I live alone. I want it to be her and I becoming one and sharing our lives. I want us to move forward together. I want to know she will be their when I fall asleep and when I wake.

    It seems that she really wants to have a baby. I am under the thought of at least a few years. It is like she uses me not wanting to have a kid in the near future against me. I keep saying take it in steps I know alot of you on here are very conservative. I am not. Since I was a little kid I always imagined it being.... meet a girl, get serious, fall in love, move in, purpose, get married, get a house, have a kid. She seems to want to put move in, purpose, get married, and have a kid in all one big lump. As for me it will never work out that way and I am not going to marry her with out living together first. She knew that from the beginning of our relationship.

    She is scarred to move in. I am scarred to continue on a relationship if she doesn't feel the same way as me. I have put my fears aside for 8+ months. I am tired of putting my fears aside.

    How long should I have to wait for her to catch up? We are in the exact same place as we were in our relationship last summer. She comes over in the evening. We spend time together, we fall asleep and I drive her home at 3:00am. I want something more. I want to know the feeling of sleeping the whole night and waking up with the preson I love.

    If she is scared, needs to make up excuses and still doesn't know what to do than I am not sure we should be together.

    Last edited by dt_martini; 07-04-2005 at 03:37 PM.

     
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    Old 07-04-2005, 03:58 PM   #2
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    Well, I am sorry but I think she is being smart in not wanting to move in. I am in no way conservative but, having lived with who referred to me as "the love of his life" for a few years in my early 20s and then having the guy betray me and never marry me, I can tell you that I would never, ever risk that kind of hurt and live with a guy again without being married first. That is the order of things that seems to work the best: date, and if things go well and we're both sure we can't live without each other--get married, move in, and THEN have babies if that is what both people desire. I could live without having babies personally, but I still won't move in without being married first, nor would I recommend it to my future child or a friend. In my opionion, if the guy is THAT crazy about me, he will marry me first. If he insists on movig in and disregarding my wishes to be married first, then he is selfish and not worth my time anyway. We women tend to get very emotionally attached, at least the majority of us do, and you have NO idea how devastating it would be for a girl to have to split after a few years of living together because all of a sudden the guy is changing his mind and is "not ready" for marriage at this time or maybe ever. I actually admire your gf for sticking to her guns and not accepting any less than what she thinks she deserves.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 04:26 PM   #3
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    Ok PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just give her time.

    I was in your gf shoes around the same time of your relationship. Only difference is we where both living with our parents.
    I loved and still do love my bf very very much and it was NEVER anything to do with commitment, i adored this guy and planned to spend my life with him but i was just scared like your gf. Never once in my head did i think i'd never move in with him and i felt like he was pressuring me to because he kept going on and on at me but at the end of the day i was scared and felt things were moving to fast. For me it was just a huge step for me to take. Like you we would stay up to the small hours but i was still very nervous at the thought of moving in with him that was major to me and something i didn't feel to comfortable with. i thought that it was to soon and was not ready.

    BUT a year later i'm now engaged to this person and looking around for somewhere to rent and ONLY because he gave me time.
    My friend is with her boyfriend just over a year and they decided they wanted to move in together.After weeks off looking around and two weeks before they where due to move in he backed out saying he wasn't ready and he only said yes to mving in to make her happy because there relationship was going so great.

    If your gf moved in would you want it in the back of your mind that she wasn't ready or she was nervous or she only did it to make you happy or to feel less pressured, no you'd want her to move in of her own accord and when she was ready and it felt right for the both of you not just one person.
    So again just give her time. If she's the person you wanna be with just lay off the subject for a bit try not pressure her, cos she'll feeling scared and it will happen when the time is right TRUST ME i know.

    Hope this helps and good luck

    emma

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 04:32 PM   #4
    dt_martini
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    "sticking to her guns" is not leading a guy on. I wrote how many times she set estimated times that she thought she would move in. She never mentioned anything about married first until 13 months later. I let her know with in the first few months of the relationship that I wanted her to live with me asap. She thought it was a great idea at first, than slowly put it off, and than started with the string of excuses.

    Being honest is respectable. I was honest in the first month of our relationship I said I don't want kids for 3 to 5 more years. Leading her on would have been saying oh year next year, than slowly pushing it back and than followed by excuses. She at least knew what to expect.

    I can't say what I would have done if she would have had this point of view from the beginning. At least though I would have been stepping into something for warned. I could have made a choice of do I want to be with someone who won't move in with me even after the first year of our relationship. Just knowing that from the beginning would have set my expectations for the relationship and if a year later I was making a deal out of moving in she could say "I told you about this right from the beginning". Though she was probably scarred to be honest in fear of me leaving her at the very beginning stages of the relationship. (sarcastic) Why not save the honesty until later and when my heart in vunerable.... that is fair.

    Sorry, she wasn't "sticking to her guns and not accepting anything less than she deserves". She was "leading a guy on and being less than honest".

    @emma_j_21 I know my gf very well and I have backed off the subject with out bringing it up for a month. If I gave her time she would never move out. Her 25 year old sister lives at home. Her parents are not going to add any pressure. She never talks about it anymore and if anything is moving in reverse.

    The way I see it is a relationship is like a bike. You can build a bike, watch other people ride a bike, read about bikes. At one point their is nothing more you can do to prepare other than just get on the bike and try to ride it. We have spent almost every single day togeher for 13 months. I really see it as our relationship has gone as far as it can for preparing us to move in together. Really it just feels like treading water at this point.

    Why is it okay for a girl to get all fussy about a guy taking too much time to purpose to her and she is allowed to question his love. Yet if my girlfriend doesn't want to move in it has nothing to do with her proiorties, future, or her heart? In my mind it does.

    Last edited by dt_martini; 07-04-2005 at 04:41 PM.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 04:40 PM   #5
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    DT Martini, I totally agree with your point of views about your girlfriend knowing that your original intentions were to live with her first before getting married. Apparently, she didn't feel the need to take you seriously when you first told her this and then thought that she could just agree with you to shut you up and then try to change YOUR mind later on down the road. You may find this behavior to be very immature and unrealistic as the constant excuses keep pouring in and she keeps pushing it further and further back...this must be extremely frustrating for you to endure. She can make all the excuses in the book and you may never know if any of them are actually true, but what is the bottom line here? She hasn't moved in with you! That is all that is important right now! The fact that she can talk circles around this doesn't mean a thing...talk is cheap! Its what she DOES that matters!

    So what do you do about this? Well, there comes a time in any relationship where the two of you are going to have to reach a common ground...a compromise if you will. This is the critical "point of no return" zone where it will be much harder to get out of the relationship once certain elements come into play (i.e. moving in, marriage, kids). That is why you need to be extremely sure of what you are doing before any of this might happen...remember the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for..."

    If you were to FINALLY convince her to move in, what will you have REALLY achieved? You have a girl here who isn't sure or comfortable about this whole thing and it could possibly seriously backfire on the two of you! The other problem is that she may find your avoidance of marriage until she has moved in you as a sign that YOU aren’t secure of your relationship and how far it can go…did you ever consider this? Maybe now is the time to do a serious reality check and take a look at what you have together now rather than what you don't. If you keep trying to push her into things she isn't prepared for, it will only push her further away…remember that you can’t make her do anything.

    What I would do if I were in your shoes is to take a firm step back on this issue and just let it go for right now. Let the air clear and see if she decides to come around on her own. In relationships, we very often only get the things we want if we would just stop asking for them all the time…see what I mean? You have to see if she wants it as bad as you do…this needs to be a mutual decision. Also, you have only been in this relationship for 14 months which is, in every sense, practically NOTHING! I don’t know how old the two of you are, but what’s the rush? Slow it down a little and enjoy what you have together now…NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF NOW! The future will take care of itself if everything is the way it should be. If this is the case, you will have your whole lives together! Take it slow and I guarantee you will thank me for this one day… No Hurry = No Worry!

    Last edited by CFD 333; 07-04-2005 at 04:42 PM.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 04:52 PM   #6
    dt_martini
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    To me it is about wanting to share my life with her 100% of the way. The current situation is I sit and wait for her to decide when she will want to see me. While I sit in my aparment alone(I don't have any friend and my only family is my two parents). While she sits in her house with her sister, her mom, her dad, two brother and newphew and niece. I get to call her up and hear all the voices and I hear nothing but silence here. I get to here about their dinners or the things they do. I am never invited into their house to share any of this. I wait in front of her house every day and pick her up. After a big fight my parents really did not want me back with her. I have not told them. I will lose all of their respect getting back with her.

    I want it to be her and I! I want to sleep whole night with her and not wake up at 3:30 am to drive her home. Than to drive back home and alone and crawl back into my lonely bed. I want to have my apartment to be our common place of meeting. Where if she works a late shift I at least know I will see her when she gets home. I want us to share our laundry and the chores. I want us to eat our meals together.

    Instead I am hear alone wondering when my part time girlfriend will spend time with me. It is not that I want just anyone to move in. I was specifically her. I am sure their a ton of girls who would love to just move in to some guys apartment in the first three months. I don't want that. I want her. I have given her a year of hearing I will move in with you later and plenty of excuses. I have been plenty paintent especailly when I was told one thing and it was another. At this point I feel like she should compromise. If she feels like she is compromising her heart than once again maybe we should not be together.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 05:17 PM   #7
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    I know the other responders meant well, but I really think you're completely missing the point to be focusing on her not moving in as the main problem in your relationship. What about the fact that she expects you to wait on her hand and foot, sends pictures of herself to guys she flirts with online, throws big fits and then pouts and demands you apologize, treats you like a cab driver, and physically attacks you, then lies to the police and your family, saying you assaulted her and throwing you in jail??? This girl is extremely disturbed and unstable--what happened to your resolution to move on because otherwise you and your family would no longer be able to respect you for taking back someone who treated you so terribly?

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 05:28 PM   #8
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    I love her.

     
    Old 07-04-2005, 05:44 PM   #9
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Snails
    I know the other responders meant well, but I really think you're completely missing the point to be focusing on her not moving in as the main problem in your relationship. What about the fact that she expects you to wait on her hand and foot, sends pictures of herself to guys she flirts with online, throws big fits and then pouts and demands you apologize, treats you like a cab driver, and physically attacks you, then lies to the police and your family, saying you assaulted her and throwing you in jail??? This girl is extremely disturbed and unstable--what happened to your resolution to move on because otherwise you and your family would no longer be able to respect you for taking back someone who treated you so terribly?
    Ok, I must have missed that part somewhere. If all of this is true, you would be making a HUGE mistake moving in or marrying this girl. Love is not enough and cannot compensate for the person's MAJOR character flaws.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 09:03 AM   #10
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    This is a very difficult situation to read unless you are one of the parties involved. From the outside, it's impossible for us to understand her motives and excuses for not moving in, and impossible to gauge what your everyday relationship is like.

    In any case, I'm wondering if she's facing a lot of scrutiny from her family about moving in with you. It sounds like she still lives at home and is very close with her parents....they may have big issues with her moving in with someone before being married, and therefore she feels the need to spend at least an hour in her bed at home every night or something.

    Or, it simply may be that the more she thought about moving in, the more she feels this step is over her head. I don't know how old you both are, but a year or so really isn't *that* long by some standards. Some people move in together after a few weeks, but I waited for three and a half YEARS before I moved in with my guy. While I'm not regretting that I did so, I'm STILL waiting (two years later) to be proposed to and wonder if that would have happened already if I never had moved in.

    There are lots of stereotypes that come with being a female that moves in with her boyfriend. Plenty of people make comments about "living in sin," "giving the milk for free," etc. It's a whole dimension that I don't think guys really experience, but it can be very demeaning. I don't see anything wrong with you having a natural progression of getting married and then waiting a bit to have children, but you have to realize that her progression may not match yours. She sounds like she never wants to move in with you, and while that may be a priority for you it obviously isn't for her. If you can't handle that she will not live with you until marriage, this relationship may be over. Please try to understand that neither of you are being unreasonable, you are just coming from two very different points of view.

    I hope it all works out for you and that you find happiness with this girl, but be willing to move on if you can't find common ground. I agree with Snails that there are some red flags here that indicate shaky behavior, and might make you happy that she DIDN'T move in over the long-term.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 11:36 AM   #11
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    dt martini, I could have come on here and described your girl with some of the colorful adjectives that some of the other posters used to describe your girlfriend, but obviously that don’t help your situation at all does it? Of course you love this girl a whole lot and even if she has her faults, perhaps none of them faze you enough to make you want to leave her. So, instead of bad mouthing your girlfriend like others have, I'm going to try and offer you some more constructive advice.

    A lot of what you have written to us in your last post tells a sad story...it shows that perhaps this isn't all about her moving in so much as it is about you feeling left out of her life and being alone most of the time. I can definitely relate to feeling this way as I've encountered this back in college when I was sitting all alone in my piece of crap 1 bedroom apartment while my girlfriend at the time was living in a three story house full of her friends. She was also a member of a sorority and was constantly being invited to do things with all of them. I had my friends, but none of them seemed to matter much to me anymore...all I wanted to do was be with her all the time! I never felt satisfied unless she was constantly around me and, worse, I felt extremely alone when she wasn't there even if I wasn't alone.

    As the years went by, I realized how completely and utterly helpless I had made myself and it made me sick. I became completely and totally dependant on her being in my life and when she couldn't be, even if she wanted to be, I would get angry, jealous, sad, and felt abandoned. I don't know, maybe it was because I was very immature or she was the girlfriend I had waited for all my life or that I just loved her too much, but I felt like I needed her with me all the time in order to feel happy or normal...can you relate to any of this?

    So guess what happened, she ended up failing out of school and moved back home which was almost 3 hours away. I truly felt that I was left completely alone and was completely devastated. I told her to come back to campus and live with me but she wouldn't do it no matter how hard I tried to convince her. I felt abandoned by her and even though we tried to remain together, I couldn't handle the hurt feelings any longer...the pain of missing her all the time was too much so eventually I had to move on. She wouldn’t COMPRIMISE with me, so after being with her for over 3 years, I had to leave her and try to meet someone close by to me. What helped me get through it all was the realisation that, "Hey, I was completely fine before her...why can't I be at least as fine or even better after her? I'm more mature, wiser, and stronger than ever!" I always tried to remember that I NEVER needed her as bad as I always thought I did...NEVER!

    So I know what you are going through and how unhealthy all of this can be for a person. I know now that I was to blame for my feelings and allowing myself to get so wrapped up in someone like this. The thing is, it’s NOT just the person we are in a relationship with, it’s the circumstances, her friends, her family, her job...EVERYTHING! There is a lot more to someone than just themselves...do you follow me? Unfortunately, very often there are things out of your direct control that can totally screw everything up for you two and sometimes that is just the way it has to be. If these circumstances don't allow you to work through all these things, perhaps it is time to move on. I tend to feel that you are a hopeless romantic in a lot of ways as I used to be...you always feel that "Love is ALL you need" when realistically, it just isn't so...actually "Sometimes love just ain't enough" would be more accurate. A lot more things need to fall into place for things to work out. I, over the years, have realized these things little by little and in time you will too.

    I wish you the best of luck with this girl, but remember that you need to keep your feelings at bay and your wits about you. Do not lose sight of what is ultimately important which is your mental and emotional health...if you stay calm and under control, everything will take care of itself, even if that means that you need move on with your life.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 12:49 PM   #12
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    It seems like the issue here is not really your girlfriend moving in with you.

    I think the big picture here is that you have made it so that she is the only thing in your life. You live alone--you could live with roommates or friends or your parents. You don't have any friends--there's nothing stopping you from meeting people. You're jealous that she has family and friends. It sounds like you want control of her life--you want her away from her parents and family and friends and focusing on you 100%.

    Like other posters have said, there is a lot that a girl deals with when moving in with a guy before marriage. Her family may think it's not appropriate, a lot of society in general looks down on a girl "shacking up" with her bf, while the guy is not really held accountable.

    If you are wanting to be "sharing your life with her 100% of the way," why not marry her? Isn't that the definition of marriage, not cohabitation?

    There is obviously more than meets the eye with your relationship, a bad history perhaps, I haven't read previous posts of yours. But by the fact that only four months into a relationship you were already pushing her to move in with you and that you have not relented at all with this one girl, despite huge problems and your family not speaking to you over her, it seems like you have latched on to this girl and want to have ultimate control over her. What makes you think you wont' meet another girl, one who is foolish enough to move in with you after only a couple of months and will give up everything in her life for you? There are plenty of them out there.

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 06:43 PM   #13
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    I too agree. I think pressuring her to move in with you when she just doesnt want to is only going to make matters worse between the two of you.

    Why dont you talk to her and just let her know, look i know your scared to move in with me so instead of giving you crap from time to time about "when will you move in with me" Im just going to let you decide. I'll let you come to me when you think you are ready. This will save you guys some arguments and fighting over something that is getting you no where.

    You love her right? So why pressure her? Let things happen on there own. I wont move in with my guy (mostly out of respect of my parents), but Im not moving in with him until 1. I am totally ready, and 2. a few other things are taken care of. He understands why I dont want to move in with him yet. And he doesnt mind waiting either.

    I think you two need to be adults about this and just have a discussion not a fight. And maybe take my advice dont pressure her, let her tell you when she's ready.

    Also you mentioned you have no friends? You sit around and wait for her to get into contact with you? Most couples should have friends, mutual their own whatever. How did it come down to you not having any friends to hang out with when she's busy, working, or doing other things. I dont feel you should be totally 100% dependant on her when she's not rushing to spend every waking moment w/you. You should have friends? Why not?

    Last edited by Piranna65; 07-05-2005 at 06:49 PM. Reason: Adding

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 09:14 PM   #14
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    stop "sleeping with her" till 3-4am then driving her home. and trust me, it's not all roses and glory if she moves in...

    the reason i say stop what your doing now is because it's unhealthy

     
    Old 07-05-2005, 09:37 PM   #15
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    Re: Girlfriend won't move in

    The problem is like I said in my orginal post is she has jerked me around on this issue. She told me should would and set three or four differant time periods and than changed her mind. She told me should would two weeks ago after a horriable problem that left me the victim. She told me should would do anything to be with me including move in.

    At that point I had wanted her to move in for nearly a year. She said she would and she did not say it was a now or never offer. She was all mushey, all over me, crying and said she would do anything. I never made a decision and a week later when she got back all cool and comfortable she was back on the I can't move in with campaign. I feel like she was just warming me up and feeding me that so she would get with me.

    None of that is fair to me. If she had no intentions in moving in with me even after 13 months of being together she should have said something from the beginning.

     
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