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    Old 08-13-2005, 03:32 PM   #256
    soulster
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Well, I can't truly forgive her from the bottom of my heart. I still think I was a great kid who never gave her any trouble and a straight A student at school, and in NO WAY did I deserve all that she put me through. Even our neighbors always said they wished they had a daughter like me. And yet, nobody called the police when they heard me screaming and crying almost every night. And the teachers at school believed me when I told them stories of falling down the stairs to explain my bruises (had them all over my body). Though, I'm not sure how great it would be to be growing up in some foster home, either. Yes, she is still judgemental and critical of me, but as I said, she's not totally "with it" mentally. I think she must have never been completely normal to begin with. The best I can say is that I forgive her as a mentally unstable person who had bad experiences in her life. But I do think she damaged me and stunted my spirit, and for that I don't know if I can truly forgive her.
    Sophia, is she mentally unstable with everyone or is it just you and a select few others? I use to have a friend who had a mother like that... jeoulous that her daughter was not following in the weakened footsteps of herself, envious of her and not wanting her to succeed or be happy... rather just marry her off to the first person who fit some sort of criteria list I guess? I really feel that you should break away from her by ceasing all talk until she fixes herself with you... but if you feel that wont help you become a stonger person, then do what you need to increase your confidence day by day. Gosh, what your mother did to you was horrible... I cant believe any mother could do that to their own child and still have the guts to go on as if nothing happened! Anyhow, I do think you have what it takes to be happy and not end up like your mother!

     
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    Old 08-13-2005, 03:34 PM   #257
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    She definitely won't die alone. She has my sister, to whom she was a MUCH better mother and never did the stuff to her that she did to me. I was the "scapegoat" you see. Besides, she hated my father and loved hers, even though he was a total jerk. I know my sister was her favorite child, because, even to this day, she only has my sister's picture in her wallet as well as other pics displayed around her apartment, but not mine. there is one group picture of me from my sister's graduation, but none of me alone. NONE. Even my sister's dog deserved a framed photo, but not ME. Do you see what I'm saying?

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:40 PM   #258
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by soulster
    Sophia, is she mentally unstable with everyone or is it just you and a select few others? I use to have a friend who had a mother like that... jeoulous that her daughter was not following in the weakened footsteps of herself, envious of her and not wanting her to succeed or be happy... rather just marry her off to the first person who fit some sort of criteria list I guess? I really feel that you should break away from her by ceasing all talk until she fixes herself with you... but if you feel that wont help you become a stonger person, then do what you need to increase your confidence day by day. Gosh, what your mother did to you was horrible... I cant believe any mother could do that to their own child and still have the guts to go on as if nothing happened! Anyhow, I do think you have what it takes to be happy and not end up like your mother!
    Well, she's doing ok now, but she's on medication. Some kind of antidepressant. I am not going to confront her because I don't want to upset her or for her to end up in a hospital again. She had a nervous breakdown years ago, when I was in my early 20s, and it was just a nightmare. That's why I moved out to live with my ex-fiance. I couldn't stand living with her anymore. She was just horrible and the things she said..oh god. I'm just so happy she's living a normal life now and I don't have to deal with her insanity.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:41 PM   #259
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Ok, I'm gonna say something that's going to sound truly horrible, but in a way, I feel like I'm never going to be truly "free" as long as my mother is alive. I would be much happier to live very far away from her and not having to see her, I have to admit. That's why I fantasize about moving to another country one day, and I think I will, eventually. I think on some level, and it's going to sound crazy, that she doesn't really want me to be happy or have a fulfilling relationship. I think she wants me to be just like her, and so far, that's what my life is like, at least in terms of relationships with men. But I don't want to end up like my mother, and I will do everything in my power not to!
    Sophia ~ I know that you think it can be that easy but it's not. My mother was abused as a child and thought the same exact thing as you. My grandmother died and she still lives with the painful memories of abuse. You cannot run away from it no matter what. It follows you everywhere until you work on healing the damage it caused on the inside. I tried to talk my aunt and my mom into going for some therapy but it is too painful. My mom to this day is extremely anxious.....she's a wonderful woman who raised me well and coming from an abusive situation like she described overcame it in terms of being everything her mother wasn't. But the pain is still there, I can see it and it is only recently that she and my aunt shared with us the horrific abuse they lived with. I thank God that she had the strength to overcome it and break the vicious cycle of abuse but I know that the pain still haunts her.

    You need to do something so that it doesn't do the same to you. I still think confronting her while she is alive is important.....by doing so you are not only telling yourself & her that this was wrong, but also empowering yourself by finally speaking up and saying that you did not deserve this and that is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

    Hiya ~ To answer your question I was blessed with the opportunity to do this face to face. If there was no way to contact a person I think the best thing to do is write a letter to that person saying all that you would face to face and burying it in the yard finally putting it all to rest. That's what I would do....the important thing is acknowledging the fact that you were a victim of somebody elses shortcomings and that nothing was your fault and that you never deserved to be treated that way in the first place. Otherwise it follows you because the damage it caused on the inside has not been given the chance to fully heal until we forgive and let it be known that we were a victim at somebody elses fault.

    ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-13-2005 at 04:22 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:48 PM   #260
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    You need to do something so that it doesn't do the same to you. I still think confronting her while she is alive is important.....by doing so you are not only telling yourself & her that this was wrong, but also empowering yourself by finally speaking up and saying that you did not deserve this and that is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
    Goody, I'm so sorry your own Mom had to go through this also. It gives me hope that she turned out ok, though, and was able to be a good mom to you. I hope one day I can give my children all the love that my mother was not capable of giving me.

    I don't know if you read my last post, but it really is useless confronting her, especially now that things are pretty 'decent' between us. She doesn't have the capacity to understand her own actions to the full extent, I think, and even if she said "I'm sorry," it wouldn't really help anything. I think at this point, I will be just happy if she can take care of herself and live a relatively normal life, take her medication, and not bother me too much. That would be the greatest thing she could do for me right now.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:48 PM   #261
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    Post Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Ok, I'm gonna say something that's going to sound truly horrible, but in a way, I feel like I'm never going to be truly "free" as long as my mother is alive. I would be much happier to live very far away from her and not having to see her, I have to admit. That's why I fantasize about moving to another country one day, and I think I will, eventually. I think on some level, and it's going to sound crazy, that she doesn't really want me to be happy or have a fulfilling relationship. I think she wants me to be just like her, and so far, that's what my life is like, at least in terms of relationships with men. But I don't want to end up like my mother, and I will do everything in my power not to!
    OMG, Sophia, you just described my mother and me!

    Granted mine was NOT abusive like yours, thankfully. But she was EXTREMELY overprotective. I remember thinking, like you: "I won't get to have a life until she's dead". And I also wanted to move to another country - and I wouldn't even have told her where. I felt so horrible about that, which is why I've never admitted it to anyone before today.

    I don't think she really wanted to hurt me, but she would always say things like "It's just a phase, you'll grow out of it" (if I was attracted to someone) or "Over my dead body" (when talking about my potential marriage and babies).

    Well you know how her story ended - and I'm also going to fight until my last breath to NOT end up like her! But sometimes it almost feels like a curse - "like mother, like daughter". And that scares me.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:55 PM   #262
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CrimsonClover
    OMG, Sophia, you just described my mother and me!

    Granted mine was NOT abusive like yours, thankfully. But she was EXTREMELY overprotective. I remember thinking, like you: "I won't get to have a life until she's dead". And I also wanted to move to another country - and I wouldn't even have told her where. I felt so horrible about that, which is why I've never admitted it to anyone before today.

    I don't think she really wanted to hurt me, but she would always say things like "It's just a phase, you'll grow out of it" (if I was attracted to someone) or "Over my dead body" (when talking about my potential marriage and babies).

    Well you know how her story ended - and I'm also going to fight until my last breath to NOT end up like her! But sometimes it almost feels like a curse - "like mother, like daughter". And that scares me.
    OMG, Crimson--that's exactly what it sometimes feels to me--like some kind of a curse that's hanging over me and preventing me from progressing in life That is SO scary, you took the words right out of my mouth. I really think, on some level, our mothers didn't want us to be happier than them. I can't explain why, but that's what I have always felt

    Last edited by SophiaM; 08-13-2005 at 04:48 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 04:12 PM   #263
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    I really think, on some level, our mothers didn't want us to be happier than them. I can't explain why, but that's what I have always felt
    Oh, I know; it's like "How dare you succeed where I have failed?" Like we would have rubbed it in their face or something. My mother was extremely possessive of me and didn't want to share me with anyone - bottom line.

    She went to see a therapist when I was about 25; he told her she was setting a bad example for me by being dateless and having no life outside of work. He was right: I basically learned that this is a "normal" life for a healthy, intelligent and lovely woman. And I'm still trying to undo that damage.

    P.S. That was a really creepy dream, Sophia! But it probably expressed exactly how you were subconsciously feeling.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 04:35 PM   #264
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    Re: Update--Ex wants him back

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    I don't know if you read my last post, but it really is useless confronting her, especially now that things are pretty 'decent' between us. She doesn't have the capacity to understand her own actions to the full extent, I think, and even if she said "I'm sorry," it wouldn't really help anything. I think at this point, I will be just happy if she can take care of herself and live a relatively normal life, take her medication, and not bother me too much. That would be the greatest thing she could do for me right now.
    Sophia....no one who has abused will admit that they were wrong. I know that things may appear to be "decent" with her right now but I still think that you need to confront her in someway. Even if you were to say to her...."Mom I know that your not feeling well lately but for my own health and well being I need to say something to you. Now that I am an adult I have come to realize the truth that I grew up in an abusive household. In order to provide myself with closure I need to tell you that I did not deserve this and want to forgive you. And I think that this is important for us to discuss before your time comes so that you can have some closure too. And whether you are able to offer me an apology or not, the important thing is that I needed to say this for my own happiness." Do not expect an apology....if you get one consider yourself blessed, if not consider yourself healed.

    I am sorry that you were treated so poorly. I do think that you should seek out some type of counselling....not to do so would only leave you living with the pain that you have surpressed only to resurface over & over again. It's time to get rid of it for good. You are such a wonderful young woman who didn't deserve the childhood that you got. But you will rise above it because you want to. And that's the key to it all Sophia....you want to be better than your mom and you will.

    ~ Goody

     
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