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    Old 07-17-2005, 12:43 PM   #1
    Marie21
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    Question Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I think that my boyfriend of 2 years has some unresolved issues with women. I suspect that he is afraid of being controlled and also afraid of being cheated on. In his past relationships he was cheated on and controlled. He ex-girlfriend wouldn't let him hang out with his friends. She didn't like his friends and thought they were trouble, so he always had to hang out with her and her friends..... or so he says. I almost have trouble believing that he would let someone controll him like this because he is the extreme opposite in our relationship! Maybe he is like this because he was hurt. Here are some examples:

    1. He forgets to call me back when he says he was going too. He will be good for a long time, but then he will get back into this habbit of not calling me. Then if I call him he almost gets defensive. Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal... but for me I take this as an issue of trust. If I cant trust him to call me back....

    2. He doesn't spend very much time with me. On more than on occasion during our 2 year relationship he has broken plans with me to hang out with the guys. One time he didn't even bother to call me and tell me that he was't going to come over to my place after all. We had plans to watch a movie and he never showed up. It was 10 at nite by the time I had gotten ahold of him. He was at the bar with his buddies and by the time I talked to him, I had already watched the movie by my self... plus I was so mad that I didn't want to see him anyway.

    3. He has made the comment that all his buddies know that he can never hang out with them anyway because of me. I see my boyfriend 1 or 2 times a week. That is it. He sees his buddies every day. I have never told him that he couldn't hang out with them. The only times I got mad, were the times he ditched me.

    4. He races every friday and saturday night. Racing takes up most of his spare time, when he is not racing he is working on his car with his buddies... making adjustments. I go to the races with him to watch every weekend, and he completly ignores me while we are there. I'll turn around and he will be 4 trailers down talking to a group of people. Last night he went up in the stands with his buddies to watch some of the racing action and didn't tell me. I sat in his trailer by my self for and hour. I didn't know where he was. When he came back, I think he could tell that I was upset because he said "oh, where were you?" I told him that I was a little upset that he ditched me again.... and he said "well, I don't have time to baby-sit you. thats all I can say." I feel like I am a burden to him. I am not kidding you when I say that he ignores me the whole time we are there. He doesn't say a word to me. I know that he is busy working on his car and stuff... but would it kill him to talk to me for 5 minutes. I mean, i don't oppress the guy. I let him do his thing. I have never even made him watch a chick flick with me.

    I never thought I could feel so alone in a relationship. Half the time he goes out with his buddies and he never invites me along. He says that I don't like to do anything. That isn't true. There are lots of things that I like to do. I like to go to the beach, and on walks, and I like to read, picnics. But since racing takes up most of his time and his buddies take up the other half... there is not much left for me. I called him this morning and am still waiting for him to return my call.

    Why is he dating me if he doesn't like to spend time with me? He is old enough to know better. He is 32 years old. I am 23 and this is my first serious relationship I have been in. I love him and sometimes things are good.... but then he will be like this. I want to break up with him at times because I tell myself that there has to be a man out there who will want to spend more time with me. But it is so hard to let go of someone who has been such a big part of your life for such a long time. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating.

    I guess my question is..... is there a way to find a happy medium? I know that his ex-girl friends got him to spend lots of time with. He watched chick flicks with and took them places. I don't want to control him... but how can I get him to WANT to spend more time with me? Every time I feel him pulling away, I give him even more space than I normally do.... but I am tired of playing games.

    I am a very shy person and he is and extremly outgoing people person. I admire him for that and I think its great... I know that I am the first shy girl he had dated... he other girlfriends were like him. Loud party girls. From his discription they were kind of mean and would pick fights with people! Maybe this is the type of girl he needs to be dating to keep him in line. At least this is the way I have been feeling lately.

    Are all men like this??? Am I being a big baby over nothing????

    Sorry for the long post, any input would help greatly........

    Last edited by Marie21; 07-17-2005 at 12:50 PM.

     
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    Old 07-17-2005, 01:32 PM   #2
    cookiepls
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I feel really bad for you Marie. You sound like an all around nice person and I know this must hurt a lot. I have an idea of what your bf is doing but I can't be sure of course. Let me explain.

    My husband and I used to go motorcycle riding with a group of his friends. They all brought their wives or girlfriends for these rides. One of them, a really nice guy, never brought his girlfriend. I knew his girlfriend and I knew that she was sweet, pretty, intelligent, funny, and outgoing. We all liked her.

    One night when we went riding, she called him on his cell phone and he lied to her. Told her he was working on his bike or something. A couple of us asked him what was up and that's when he confessed that he wasn't in love with her but didn't want to let her go either.

    My husband really didn't understand it so he asked him to explain what he meant. He said that he liked her and she was nice and all that, but he didn't want to be in a relationship at all.

    He said that the only way he could have sex when he wanted it was to be in a relationship with someone. That's why he didn't want to break up with her or let anyone else have her. He flat out said it, "I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her."

    We all just looked at each other in amazement. I was shocked. I knew that some guys used women for sex only but I didn't know that they would/could go so far as to pretend to have a relationship in order to do it.

    It did explain a lot though. As much as we hung out with him, his girlfriend was rarely around and even when she was, he completly ignored her. Until that night, I thought they were just comfortable with each other and didn't need much affection or attention or maybe mad at each other.

    She finally broke up with him and I'm happy to say that she's married now. I saw him a couple of months ago and he's still single.

    Most guys, if they're in love, will want to spend a lot more than just a couple of days a week with their girlfriend I would think. And the rude way he treats you along with the rude comment he made saying he didn't have time to babysit you........wow, that sounds very cold. Hmm.....I also wonder why his ex girlfriends were so angry. Could it be he treated them the same way?

    Does any of this ring a bell with you or is your situation completly different? I mean, from what you've said, you don't sound controlling in the least. You even make an effort to enjoy his activities.

     
    Old 07-17-2005, 03:42 PM   #3
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I was going to say that this sounds like a classic case of "he's just not that into you" - and that no matter what his age is, he's too immature to have a relationship with....
    and then I read cookiepls' response and it fit like a glove.
    I couldn't say anything better.

     
    Old 07-17-2005, 05:14 PM   #4
    Marie21
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    Thank you so much for the replies!

    I guess I never really thought of it that way... that he might only be useing me for sex. I don't know. He tells me that he loves me, but I guess that wouldn't nessicarily mean anything. Like I said some times he is good, and some times its bad. Some weeks he spends more time with me than others. He says he is really busy, but I feel like he puts everything before me, and I have told him this. We have talked about it many times. Somtimes he is understanding and other times he gets annoyed. I don't know with him. I just thought that acted the way he did because he had had problems in previous relationships! How can one tell if she is just being used? If he was using me all along I will be so hurt..... maybe now he is just starting to lose intrest. He did apolagise for the baby-sitting comment. The subject of marriage has come up a few times.... so I don't know.

    Should I come right out and ask him how he really feels?

    I think that the reason he doesn't invite me out with his friends very often is because I do not fit in very well with his group. I don't drink and they are big bar people. Not that I find anything wrong with drinking now and then... but no matter what they are doing alcohol is always involved. My boyfriend isn't that bad though. It also seems like their conversations revolve around alcohol. Which is fine for them, but I don't have much to say... infact at times I am intimidated. He has even mentioned in the past that I don't try hard enough to fit in. So I guess it is my fault for being shy. I say hi to his buddies and try to be friendly... but we just don't have a lot to say to each other. He doesn't understand how hard it is for me to be outgoing. I try, but I am so soft-spoken it's hard to be heard in a large group.

    I don't know.... what should I do? Any suggestions? Thanks!

     
    Old 07-17-2005, 07:33 PM   #5
    Belledin
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    the fact is that it doesn't matter WHY he's behaving the way it is--from what you've said, you're obviously unhappy. it's never going to get better--contrary to what you might think, he's never going to wake up one day and spend every second with you, or suddenly become responsible and start calling you back. but you probably know that in your heart already.

    i was in a similar situation, although admittedly, it wasn't as bad as what yours sounds like. there was only one time he didn't call me back, and he NEVER broke plans. unfortunately, though, because it was never a BIG thing, it took me a year and a half to realize the sad truth. we constantly fought about how much time to spend together, and how he needed 'space' etc. to hang out with his friends. i would never in a minute say he was using me for sex--that's an easy answer. i truly believe he loved me. some men just aren't built to be a "we".

    it just got to the point where i realized my needs were NOT being met, and would NEVER be, by him. it's funny--there was a 10 yr. age difference between us, too (i'm 25 and he's 35).

    don't go to the place where you try to please him so that he'll want to be with you more. if a guy doesn't have a "we" mentality, you can't be thin enough, pretty enough, "cool" enough (ie, being laid back and not bugging him) to make him meet your needs. it's probably not his fault, and not your fault. you are how you are, and he is how he is, and you're just not getting what you need. (or at least, that's how it sounds to me)

     
    Old 07-18-2005, 12:00 PM   #6
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I've been in your situation also, and it sounds to me like he's just staying with you for the sex. How much time does he usually spend with you when you are together?

    I'm sorry to say this, but if I were you, I would break up with him.

    I see no reason why you shouldn't go with him when he goes out with his buddies and when he races.

    He's really taking advantage of you and you need to put a stop to it. You are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking!

     
    Old 07-18-2005, 08:02 PM   #7
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I think the truth hurts you alot so you are trying to rationalize his behaviors. I am sorry to say it sounds like he doesn't really want to be with you. I have seen guys say "I've been hurt" before to excuse these exact behaviors and I hope he isn't giving you the same crappy line. The good news is, I'm sure you are wonderful, and I think there is a guy out there who will see that. Why bother when you could be happy with someone else? I always kind of get mad about that type of situation. My attitude is "If you don't like me that much, let me go so I can find someone who does!!!"

     
    Old 07-19-2005, 09:55 AM   #8
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I don't see what you see in him quite honestly. He wants a girlfriend when it's convenient for him. I also think he fed you a line of BS about the whole ex girlfriend thing and how they controlled him. Sounds like he is the way he is and they probably got sick of him too.
    I think you deserve more attention than he's willing to give.

     
    Old 07-19-2005, 12:21 PM   #9
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    Marie, I have to agree with the advice you've gotten so far. It's clear you're trying to look for good, you're trying to come up with excuses to stay with him. But as I'm sure you know, you should NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER enter into or stay in a relationship thinking you can change someone. There IS NO WAY that you can MAKE him want to spend more time with you. You can nag, badger, trick, coerce him into spending more time with you for a while, but you can't make him enjoy your company or WANT to be with you. It's pretty clear this guy doesn't really love you. I've been in the same situation myself, and I wish to God I had had someone there to shake me and tell me to gather up my pride and self respect and leave before I got hurt. But I didn't, so I stayed and stayed while he got more and more distant and verbally abusive and I ended up getting more hurt than you could possibly imagine.

    The question really isn't even how can you get him to spend more time with you or who is being unreasonable in this situation. The real question is, are you really truly happy with the way things are? Since you have NO control over his behavior, you cannot make him spend more time with you or be more attentive or include you more. You have to decide whether this is how you really want to live. The truth is, you're gambling the rest of your life on whether this guy really wants to be with you. You've talked about marriage, but in your gut, in your soul, heart of hearts, do you really feel he wants to marry you? Do you really want this to be your life for the rest of your life? Seems to me you really only have two choices, which are fairly simple when you get right down to it. 1) stay and put up with the way things are and take a big chance that in another 1, 2, 3 years he won't up and say "I don't want to do this anymore. see ya. or 2) have the strength and courage to go after what you really want in a relationship and go find a man who will pay you the attention and who will give you the love and affection and include you the way you want.

     
    Old 07-19-2005, 12:38 PM   #10
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    my boyfriend is this way and tells me that alll men are like that so i dont know what to say except.......dont get pregnant,,,,,,,,,,,because then you are alone in the relationship with weight gain, cramps, headaches, heartburn so bad you cant sleep and leaky breasts.....you and i have something in common our boyfriends are chumps....go figure........dont be like me.....i take it all in and dont say anything now im two or three time zones away from anyone i know and the only people i really socialize with are on these forums, not that thats bad but it would be nice to talk to someone face to face...........just stand up for yourself and dont get trapped.......good luck and i hope things get better for you....................mandy...........t ell your bf i think he sucks!!!!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 10-18-2005, 11:13 AM   #11
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    GIRL! {removed} we either share the same boyfriend or our stories and lives are SO similar that it is crazy! but my BF is 31 and I am 22. {removed}

    Last edited by Moderator BAC; 10-19-2005 at 06:05 AM. Reason: Do not ask for any outside contact information. Read and follow our rules! Thank you.

     
    Old 10-18-2005, 04:57 PM   #12
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    I have to echo all the most all the other posters. He is an ***! You deserve so much better.

    Any man who needs to spend that much time with his buddies doesn't need a girlfirend!! He needs to come out of the closet instead!LOL

    Of course, I am being a smartass just to make you laugh a bit!! But really, he is very immature and not worth your tears!

     
    Old 10-28-2005, 01:44 PM   #13
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    Re: Whats wrong with my boyfriend?

    Well, I found out this weekend that my boyfriend was cheating on me. He slept with his ex last weekend when we were broke up for a few days. Then come to find out he had been talking to her the whole year we were together. Not only that, there are 4 other girls besides her that he talks to on a daily basis- and he never told me a thing about it. If you are questioning him, get out before you get hurt. He could be sleeping with other girls, lying to you and then you could end up with something you never expected from someone you loved. TRUST ME.........GET OUT!

     
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