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    Old 08-04-2005, 12:54 PM   #1
    beshybee123
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    Not feeling very good about myself

    This is a long story so I apologize in advance. I dated this guy for a few months a while back but then we ended up having to break up because he decided to move out of state to pursue his career. In the short time that we dated I guess I fell in love with him and knew that I wanted more. I probably should have cut off contact with him then, but he wanted to remain friends so I remained in contact with him hoping something deeper would come of it. Soon after he moved he started dating another girl but he insisted it wasn't anything serious. Anytime he came back to NY we would end up hanging out and hooking up. A couple of weeks ago I made plans to go out and see him and everything was fine until the other girl found out I was coming and she flipped out, apparently thinking that the relationship was more than what he claimed it was. So four days before I was to leave he had a talk with her and told her he would commit to her and he swore that nothing would happen with me. I was upset when he told me this because I felt as though he lied to me about how serious it was with this girl and also felt used. I also realized that I no longer had a chance with him. After a few days of pondering the situation I decided to go anyway just because I spent the money so I thought I'd make the best of it. Well, I went and we ended up hooking up and now I feel like crap. I know that I was being used all this time but I was blinded by my feelings for him. He called me yesterday and tried to engage me in phone sex and I told him off, telling him that he can't have both of us and maybe he shouldn't be in a committed relationship. Anyway, I know the best thing I can do is to cut him off and I am trying really hard to do that right now, so I'm not really seeking advice. I just feel so down on myself about the whole thing. I feel used and I feel like a tramp. I also feel awful for the other girl. Anyway, sorry so long. I guess I'm just venting.

     
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    Old 08-04-2005, 01:03 PM   #2
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Lora, I've been there before. Not exactly but I've certainly done things I wasn't proud of. The most you can do is pull yourself up, realize that you deserve more, and treat yourself with a little more respect. You will get past this. Just know you aren't alone with this kind of thing

     
    Old 08-04-2005, 01:15 PM   #3
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    JulieDe is right you deserve more. i have been in the same situation except he wasnt dating anyone but i felt used but i kept going back and i still think that i love him and want to be with him but cant tell how he feels. if you think you can help me read my post.....confused bout ex....and current bf......... but dont do like me....find you someone who will treat you like you deserve and everything will be okay.
    best of luck

     
    Old 08-04-2005, 01:48 PM   #4
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Thank you guys. You are very nice. I was expecting to be bashed and get called a *****, etc. etc. It sucks because I did actually cut off contact with him when he first told me he was moving and he ended up getting very angry with me and I felt awful that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he contacted me a few months later apologizing for not being understanding and said he still wanted to be friends. Even though my friends said not to respond because nothing good would possibly come out of it, I was just so happy that he was talking to me again. Now I realize that my friends were right and absolutely nothing good came out of this. I have been wasting my life on him for the past 2 years. Anyway, thanks again for the encouraging responses.

     
    Old 08-04-2005, 02:17 PM   #5
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by loraluv77
    Thank you guys. You are very nice. I was expecting to be bashed and get called a *****, etc. etc. It sucks because I did actually cut off contact with him when he first told me he was moving and he ended up getting very angry with me and I felt awful that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he contacted me a few months later apologizing for not being understanding and said he still wanted to be friends. Even though my friends said not to respond because nothing good would possibly come out of it, I was just so happy that he was talking to me again. Now I realize that my friends were right and absolutely nothing good came out of this. I have been wasting my life on him for the past 2 years. Anyway, thanks again for the encouraging responses.
    I think most women, at one time or another, get into a situation like yours. I had an off and on relationship with a man I thought I was in love with. He would disappear for weeks or even months at a time. Then, he would he call me out of the blue or see me online and we would hook up again. We always think we can be the one special woman that will turn a man's heart around. That's what I thought about him. Because of the sexual chemistry, I kept seeing him, hoping it would turn into something long term eventually.

    I felt exactly like you do, used and mostly like such a fool! All you can do is learn from it and try not to repeat the same mistakes. Guys will do and say almost anything to get you in the sack. It's sad, but true. The only way you can find out if they are interested in you, not just what you can offer them sexually, is to date them for at least two or three months before having sex.

    The double standard is still alive and kicking, unfortunately. It's perfectly all right for a man to sleep with whomever he pleases whenever he wants and he's considered more of a man or a "stud". However, if a woman does anything similar (such as sleeping with a man on the first date), she is considered easy and undesirable. Yet, I have heard of couples who have been together for a long time and are very happy and they had intimate relationships right away. Strange, isn't it?

     
    Old 08-05-2005, 05:09 AM   #6
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by greeneyes100
    The double standard is still alive and kicking, unfortunately. It's perfectly all right for a man to sleep with whomever he pleases whenever he wants and he's considered more of a man or a "stud". However, if a woman does anything similar (such as sleeping with a man on the first date), she is considered easy and undesirable. Yet, I have heard of couples who have been together for a long time and are very happy and they had intimate relationships right away. Strange, isn't it?
    I do think it's smart to hold off on sex until you get a good sense that the guy isn't just using you for physical gratification if you've had problems like that in the past. But sleeping with a man right away doesn't mean he'll take advantage of you or disrespect you...not if he's a reasonably intelligent, enlightened man worth your time rather than a dumb sexist loser whose confidence in his sexual prowess is understandably so low that women who love sex threaten him. Men like this are usually impotent or barely potent, so they steer clear of all women except those who are too insecure to think they can do better and who don't like or care about sex...this helps these men, who almost always are losers outside the bedroom as well to avoid what would be inevitable rejection and hide all their deficiencies behind sexist bluster combined with bullying and putdowns to intimidate their women into staying with them.

    GE is right that many happy couples slept together early...it makes sense, because happy couples usually have strong chemistry and healthy sex drives which make it tough for them to keep their hands off each other. I for one have always been very eager to jump in bed with the men I've dated, and every single one has treated me with the utmost respect and consideration thereafter and for the duration of our relationships. Not all men are chauvinist pigs who see women as inferior beings there to be used and judged by ignorant idiots like themselves...sorry, but there is nothing I despise more than people with sexist, racist, or otherwise hateful, "traditional," i.e. outdated and supremely ignorant views who consider themselves to have strong moral values when really they are judgmental, repressed, and miserable hypocrites. People who are happy and fulfilled with their own lives do not have any need to judge others' personal choices and actions, so while the double standard is unfortunately indeed still alive and well, it is falling out of favor amongst intelligent, enlightened, well-educated, and independent minded men. Why any woman would want some stupid insecure man who's threatened by a woman with a strong sex drive is beyond me; I guess in many rural, conservative, and religious areas there just aren't any open-minded, enlightened and smart men to choose from. Anyway I stay far away from stupid sexist religious conservative men and I've always been treated like a queen and had extremely brilliant, successful boyfriends. The women I know with the same high standards when it comes to being enlightened and intelligent have also fared extremely well with men, while all the women I know who aren't as smart or discriminating have had much worse luck in the dating world. So yes, be patient about sleeping with guys, but if any man ever looks down on you for any of your choices, dump the loser ASAP and let him go find some equally ignorant and backward woman to breed with.

     
    Old 08-05-2005, 06:49 AM   #7
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Yeah, I have to agree Snails. If a man can't respect a sensual woman who has enough confidence to give of herself early on, then to heck with him! He's old fashioned, unintelligent, and probably views women as somehow inferior.

    Yet, in today's world, the double standard is still the norm and I think a lot of men do look down on a woman if she has sex with them right away. Also, if you do the deed too early on, the relationship can tend be based purely on sexual gratification alone, before true intimacy ever has a chance to develop, and fizzles out quickly.

     
    Old 08-05-2005, 09:53 AM   #8
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    I think sometime or anohter everyone goes through the same situation.....but i have been in all types of relationships (not to happy bout that) but i have opinions that are based on my experiences so if i ever offend you just let me know.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 02:52 PM   #9
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Thank you everyone for your replies. They all helped me in one way or another. I have something else I need to ask you guys. I know that I need to cut this man out of my life ASAP and most of you would agree that I should not contact him at all. I know in truth that not contacting him would be the best thing for me to do, however, I think it may help me to end this if I were to write him a letter. I actually already composed one but havent sent it yet. Not sure if I will. Basically it's just a letter telling him how I feel about everything that has happened and that I want it all to end. I don't expect anything to come out of this letter, I just think that writing it and reminding him that I do have feelings and don't deserve to be used the way he used me would help ME to feel alot better about myself. It's not an attacking letter, just a letter expressing my feelings about my whole situation, which I think I have a right to express. I'll hold off on sending it until I hear what you guys think. Thanks.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 03:06 PM   #10
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by loraluv77
    Thank you everyone for your replies. They all helped me in one way or another. I have something else I need to ask you guys. I know that I need to cut this man out of my life ASAP and most of you would agree that I should not contact him at all. I know in truth that not contacting him would be the best thing for me to do, however, I think it may help me to end this if I were to write him a letter. I actually already composed one but havent sent it yet. Not sure if I will. Basically it's just a letter telling him how I feel about everything that has happened and that I want it all to end. I don't expect anything to come out of this letter, I just think that writing it and reminding him that I do have feelings and don't deserve to be used the way he used me would help ME to feel alot better about myself. It's not an attacking letter, just a letter expressing my feelings about my whole situation, which I think I have a right to express. I'll hold off on sending it until I hear what you guys think. Thanks.
    I was recently considering sending a similar letter to someone, though the situation was a little different. I ended up giving it to my parents. I just wanted to be heard, just wanted someone to know how I felt about things. I suppose it helped a little. But I don't think sending it to him would really change anything. He obviously doesn't care how you feel one way or the other, so writing it all down won't really change that. Get it all out if you need to, scream into your pillow, punch the couch cushions, take a self-defense class, anything to get rid of the anger and frustration. Then do your best to wipe it all out of your life and move on. Chalk it up to a lesson learned.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 07:27 PM   #11
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    I think you should write the letter, but don't send it to him. It won't do any good. If you are sure you are not interested in this man, it will provide closure for you by writing the letter.

    I'll bet you if he doesn't hear from you for awhile, he will become interested again. Sometimes, when men aren't sure if they want to be exclusive with one girl, they will date other women. I know you feel hurt and I don't blame you. It's all part of the process of dating. We get rejected, but we also reject others. Don't let yourself feel vicitimized by this. It probably has nothing at all to do with you personally. Some men like apples, some men like oranges. That's all.

    It sounds like this man is a bit confused. I think you might still have a chance with him, if you want my honest opinion. Did he ever tell you he wanted to be exclusive? This is very important. If he never told you that, then you should not expect him to be. I'm not trying to put you down. I know how you feel, but sometimes if we just quit feeling victimized and try to learn from these experiences, we can start finding the person who is best for us.

    Just ignore him completely for awhile. If he gets in touch with you, be pleasant but very nonchalant. You probably gave too much too soon and he was uncertain about you, so he got involved with someone else.

    Unless a man specifically tells you he only wants to date you, then you really can't expect him to be exclusive. And, just because you have slept with a man, if he has not yet agreed to be exclusive, a woman doesn't really have the right to expect him to be exclusive. I think a lot of women just assume they are in an exclusive relationship when they are not.

    That's why I think it's best to wait until the man agrees to date only you before having sex. I've made this mistake and learned from it. Usually, when you sleep with a man right away, the relationship is based too much on the physical plane, because you haven't gotten to know each other yet.

    Just my two cents.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 07:48 PM   #12
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    I agree with everything you've said GE except I think it would be a huge mistake to get your hopes up that you still have a chance and let him back into your life. If I understand correctly, this guy is a cheater and a liar who is stringing at least two women along...even though GE might be right that he'd be interested again if you pull back, I strongly believe that it would not be in your best interest to even let his foot back in the door. Whether or not he still wants anything to do with you, you can and should do so much better than him, which means ending things with him now and sticking to your decision. You deserve a man who you can trust, a man who can be satisfied with you and only you, and a man who lives near enough for you to see regularly. This guy will never be any good for you, and he'll never cause you anything but frustration and sadness...it's definitely time to move on and find an honest, loving man who can be yours and yours alone. I think you should write as much as you can, get all your feelings out on paper, but don't send them because that will only show him that you care and probably inspire him to try and keep you hanging around as a side item when he feels the need to get some from a woman other than his girlfriend. A man who has another woman in his life will never be the kind of man you deserve and will never make you happy...people would have so much better luck in love if we could all live by the rule that no one is worth our time if we aren't the only person in his or her life! I'm not saying every couple should get exclusive on the first date, as I think GE is right about all that, but rather I think that all the people here who are either cheating or involved with someone who is cheating would be much happier and better off if they would find a relationship in which only two people are involved.

     
    Old 08-06-2005, 08:49 PM   #13
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    The biggest mistake women make is running after a man that doesnt want them..this man obviously doesnt love you, as he left you to "pursue his career"-
    Ok so even if he did this, he would have remained single if he loved you , he would have been calling you frequently, seeking YOU out..not the other way around.
    Find someone who loves you, life is too short to chase, women were made to be the ones to get chased by men..its nature..its biologically like this- even in the wild, you never see the female trying to impress the male by fighting with other females to show him how strong she is, or following him and annoying him until he is ready to mate.
    People arent much different when you think about it.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 06:21 AM   #14
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Thanks for your responses. I haven't sent the letter. I probably won't. I know that discontinuing communication with him will speak far more loudly than a letter ever will. I just wanted to remind him that I DO actually have feelings and am not just some person he can use whenever he wants. I actually told him in the letter not to contact me again. But I am doing my best to be strong and not contact him and to forget about him. It's hard but I know I have to be strong and do this for myself and my own dignity. Thanks again for the advice.

     
    Old 08-08-2005, 09:06 AM   #15
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    Re: Not feeling very good about myself

    Best of luck ....you seem to have more will power than i ever would. i still have contact w my ex . best of luck

     
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