It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 08-10-2005, 03:59 PM   #1
    CarpeDiem2006
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    CarpeDiem2006's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 43
    CarpeDiem2006 HB User
    My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    I am so perplexed. I have been dating my bf for about 2 months. We are both in our early thirties and have been falling for each other. He wants to marry me and for me to be the mother of his children. There is just one big hitch....

    My intuition must have been working because after several questions the other night, I discovered (he reluctantly told me) that he has a child--he always led me to believe he didn't. He had an ex who basically tricked him and stopped taking the Pill...she got pregnant and had a miscarriage. She promised she wouldn't do it again and he trusted her naively. She lied again and got pregnant a second time and had the child. His child is now only a few years old. The mother tried to force my bf to marry her but he knew she wasn't the one so he wouldn't even though she used the child as bait. After that she was so angry that he basically only was there for the birth and then she shut my bf out of her and the child's life. He only has seen the child once since when the mother begged him to marry her again. She wants him to have nothing to do with the child.

    I am so confused because I am single, never married, with no kids. I have always preferred to date guys in the same situation as me because I wanted to experience these things first with the other person and hopefully last with them. My bf has been engaged before and while that bothered me somewhat I could live with it. I could even live with it if he had been divorced. But a child is a lifelong commitment that ties him to the mother. I don't know what to do now because I love him alot but I would never have dated him to begin with had I known about the child. I guess I feel somewhat deceived but he said he was scared to tell me and wanted me to get to know him first before I had a chance to decide. He says he doesn't want to lose me and that his future is with me. Yet I can tell he wants to get to know his child. I understand this and think he should but he's also said if it meant losing me he would walk away from the situation since the mother hasn't allowed him to get to know his child. I don't know what to think of that because his child should be his main priority. At the same time, he says I am his future and he wants to have a family with me, and I want to be his main priority...not second to his child with another woman.

    I don't know what to do because I don't feel I am ready to take on a child at this time, my own or someone else's. He has said he could just visit and we could explore custody later down the road so nothing is set in stone. I also worry that the mother will hate me since she resents my bf for not marrying her and poison the child against me. Or the child just might resent me as a stepmom. I think I am hesistant because life is already full of challenges and I can just see all the possible turmoil..the child might also hate my bf for not making more efforts to fight the mother to see him. Or if the child doesn't see my bf until he's 18, that might cause problems for my bf emotionally. I can tell my bf is already battling with alot of emotions. I don't want to be selfish because I grew up myself without a dad and my bf spent many years without one. Part of me believes this is my way to give back the love that I never received. Part of me wants to be selfish and have my own children and not have to be reminded daily of my bf's ex.

    What should I do? Any advice? I do love my bf very much and realize life is not perfect. It seems that everyone I have seriously considered marrying has had a serious issues (last bf has herpes but we never slept together). I know I am not perfect--just feel that I have alot to offer--very successful, attractive, kind-hearted, and loyal person. This is not what I pictured for myself but I also realize it could open up my heart further and make me an even better person. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 08-10-2005, 04:52 PM   #2
    GypsyArcher
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    GypsyArcher's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 1,418
    GypsyArcher HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    I'm sorry, but I have never believed there is any way for a woman to trick a man into getting her pregnant. While I do not think it is at all okay to say you are using BC when you are not, a man must take responsibility for the fact that every time he has sex, no matter what precautions taken, there is always a *chance* of a child being conceived. That is the whole point of sex. My very firm belief is that if you do not want a child - then don't have sex.

    If I were you I also wouldn't want to be involved with a man who already had a child, so I know how you feel. You're just going to have to decide whether or not you love this man enough to accept this part of him. I don't think it was right at all to not tell you about the kid. I'd be mad too.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 05:27 PM   #3
    CarpeDiem2006
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    CarpeDiem2006's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 43
    CarpeDiem2006 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Well, I don't blame him for the sex part--at least the first time it happened. His impression was that his gf was on the Pill which is 95-99.9% effective. Some women are very deceitful and she was intentionally trying to force him to be with her. I think that is awful...he obviously should not have trusted her again after that but he says he was naive and stupid.....which I agree. I think the miscarriage was a warning which he did not heed.

    I'm kind of mad but more shocked. I'm especially mad at her and the situation though--not him so much...although condoms couldn't have hurt (he hates them and is trying to get me not to use them--good luck).

    I will be spending a lot of time with him in the next couple of weeks and I guess I will have to search my heart...this is so overwhelming. I just long for a relationship without complexity...I want to be in love for more than 5 minutes before I get some tragic news...is that greedy?

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 05:40 PM   #4
    Soulcatcher
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 1,237
    Soulcatcher HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Unless it's a misprint you said you have only been dating for two months. That's it?? He has already lied to you about something VERY important. That right there is a big bright red flag!! If you do decide to stay with this type of guy then you will and I promise you see more of his lies in the future. Also, nooooooooooo man tells you in two months that you are the one to be the mother of his children and the one he wants to marry. Sorry but NO WAY! I can probably bet my life's savings that this guy is lying about the ex GF situation too, I wouldn't believe that story. I would NOT waste your time with a guy that has already lied and is giving you EVERYTHING to lure you into a relationship, Seems like he's saying all the right things to you isn't he? IF he is NOT responsible for his child and make no effort then I would run the other way. If he knew what love was then he would try everything in his soul to provide and see his child no matter what the mother said. So my advice is run, run , run and find you a man that won't lie to you and doesn't give you everything you want to hear right up front and one that has his priorities and responsibilities straight. Good luck.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 05:46 PM   #5
    LostMyHeart
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    LostMyHeart's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Location: USA
    Posts: 634
    LostMyHeart HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CarpeDiem2006
    Part of me believes this is my way to give back the love that I never received. Part of me wants to be selfish and have my own children and not have to be reminded daily of my bf's ex.
    Wow, that's a tough one, but one I totally understand (not the child issue, but choosing between giving more or being selfish).

    I don't know that I really have advice though. I think it always the best thing to "open your heart more to become a better person", but I think your are right in saying it's something YOU really have to search within your OWN heart for the right answer for yourself.
    I can only say take your time. Not to diminish the time frame, but you've only been dating two months. There's no harm in giving yourself more time to just date this guy and determine if this is something you want to give of yourself or not. You do not have to commit to a future with him just because you are dating him.

    I wish you the best with your decision. You have my support in either direction you go.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 05:48 PM   #6
    CarpeDiem2006
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    CarpeDiem2006's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 43
    CarpeDiem2006 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    I don't agree that it's odd to tell me he wants to marry me in 2 months (I've known him for 5 months)--only because this has been my only experience with every boyfriend I've had...they've all fallen for me pretty quickly--it's either that or the guys who are just the players! But I do appreciate what you are saying...it's definitely a big lie--just so hard to let go of him because I have developed feelings and I understand why he was scared to tell me......I don't think he was lying--he told me he felt so betrayed by her and he was really angry about the situation but I wasn't there so only he knows the truth.

    In terms of the child, he admitted that he was selfish before and he is realizing he should and wants to be there now (he is growing up). Also, don't forget that the mother made his life hell and prevented him from seeing the child. True, he could have fought harder and he knows it now. No one is perfect but he is someone who has turned to religion in the last months and I know he has a good heart--if he didn't he wouldn't be so bothered. I am perplexed because this guy has everything (almost) down a long list of what I have looked for. I am also mad because I thought I had found the one and now I am questioning everything...... I guess I have a right to be angry based on your opinions. I really don't want to go through this again in the dating world....it really, really sucks. Why can't people just be honest?????

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 05:58 PM   #7
    ibeeshell
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    ibeeshell's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Location: California
    Posts: 498
    ibeeshell HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    I also agree that there is no way to "trick" someone into having a child. Men are just as responsible as women when it comes to the birth control issue. Especially when the woman has proven herself untrust worthy before. He should have worn condoms or should have stopped having sex with her altogether! It is his fault too!

    Please remember that the child is innocent in all of this. He/she did not choose to be born into this mess, your BF and his ex made the decision to have sex. Nothing you do or say can erase the child's existance.

    I would think twice about having children with a man who would just walk away so readily from one, just to please you. The fact that he kept it a secret should really raise some flags.

    BUT 2 months isn't a very long time to get to know each other either, so you never know what's next.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 06:15 PM   #8
    cookiepls
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Location: Los Angeles, CA
    Posts: 1,410
    cookiepls HB User
    Exclamation Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    I have the same concerns as you, and a few more. The two of you have been dating for only 2 months and he's already talking marriage and children? You also said he was engaged once before. Red flag.

    Next, and even more importantly, he lied to you by not revealing the fact that he has a child. This is not a trivial thing. This is HUGE! It speaks volumes about his integrity and trustworthiness. I'm sorry, but I don't even believe his ex 'tricked' him into anything. I would have a hard time believing anything after that. He 'tricked' you into believing he didn't have any children.

    If he's paying child support (as he should be), she can't stop him from seeing his child unless there's some kind of restraining order. Whether she wants him to see the child or not, is irrevelent. He has the right, and I'm sure he knows that. If he loved his child, he wouldn't have hidden it. He would have shouted it with pride. And he wouldn't have even considered dating a woman in the first place if she had a problem with it. Lots of people, men and women both, have found wonderful husbands or wives without hiding the fact that they had a child. You don't have to tell someone on the first date, but c'mon. They need to know about it long before they get serious.

    You have every right to be worried and you made some very good points. If you marry him, you will be tied to both his child and his ex. She may hate you. The child may hate you. When he said that if it meant losing you, he would walk away from the situation, what situation was he referring to? A releationship with his child? Surely he didn't mean that.

    One more thing. How can you even think yourself 'selfish' for not wanting all that baggage he's got? You have every right to want what the rest of us want. You obviously have lots of love to give. As I sat here reading what you posted it made my heart sink. I can envision the whole nightmare. You setting yourself up for one big heartbreak after another with this guy because of your caring and sensitive nature. Too bad everyone isn't more like you. Your loyalty and kind-heartedness could get you in deep if you're not careful. I guess I just see too many red flags here. I know you see them too. That's why you're here. Please take care.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 06:30 PM   #9
    Music4All
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Music4All's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 900
    Music4All HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    You said he was naive...I think it is a contagious condition.

    He has said he wants to fall in love with you and you rationalized how you want to iternalize that message. He kept from you something so significant as having a child, this is dishonest at best...soemthing else at worst. Questonable characteristic in a life partner. He has shown blatant selfishness in his near demands to have sex with you without a condom. This is just a rerun of the same lack of responsibilty he had wth the mother of his child. I will guarantee, based on what you have said about his no condom position, he was not not taking care of business with previous women...his responsiblity, regardless of her taking protection. He wasn't tricked, he was selfish and is now paying for taking that position

    This is bad on a number of levels, but I think you are so vested in your feelings and desire to not be without him that you are inclined to rationalize at this point in the relationship.

    My advise is to keep your eyes and brain open to all that you see and hear. Keep your options open and your heart guarded until you are absolutely certain he has changed his outlook and behaviors.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 06:58 PM   #10
    realguy
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Posts: 1,039
    realguy HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Read soulcatchers response.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 07:14 PM   #11
    monim361
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Location: Corpus Christi,TX
    Posts: 106
    monim361 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    LOL...I think guys go around saying there exes tricked them to get them pregnant for kicks. I am currently 32 weeks pregnant. My ex knew exactly what he was doing and now I am pregnant he decided he doesnt wanna be with me anymore and now goes around telling women he meets (News gets around fast where i live) that i tricked him into getting me pregnant. Oh please. I agree with the other posters you cant trick someone into getting you pregnant.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 09:36 PM   #12
    Piranna65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Piranna65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 1,079
    Piranna65 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Im also going to agree, there are no little tricks. We all know where babies come from especially by our 30's! And his guard should have been up if this girl has been kinda fruit loopy in the past!

    Also 2months is too soon to assume the two of you are madly in love and will be married. The relationship is still 'new' the two of you are still learning things about one another (Obviously). All new relationships make you feel good, warm and hopeful that this is the 'one'. You may be rushing into things because you are in your early thirties and would like to settle down and start your own family.

    You said it yourself you usually date people that share more interests with you and are in a sense more like you. Like you said, never married no kids ect....so this guy now falls under a catagory of someone you wouldnt typically date, correct?

    Just know that if you do continue a relationship with this man that you will forever have to deal with this ungodly woman. She sounds like she will give him problems until this child is 18! If you are willing to forgive and forget I mean truely forget about it, it's in the past, you cant bring it up from its grave and argue with him about it in the future then keep going.

    I would suggest working on trust issues and letting him know that telling you things upfront is better then waiting or beating around the bush then the two of you have a chance. Just remember though, he will always have another woman in his life...loving her or not.

     
    Old 08-11-2005, 11:24 AM   #13
    CarpeDiem2006
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    CarpeDiem2006's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 43
    CarpeDiem2006 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Thanks to everyone...thanks cookiepls for that last par. I really needed that

    This is a very difficult situation--one I am still in shock over. I just feel like I am losing trust in people. It seems that time and time again, my trust is shattered. I am shocked that he is so cavalier about condoms after getting this girl pregnant and I don't understand it. It's our b-days and we are going away on vacation together--it's already planned; he wants to look at rings with me. I just feel so sad because I really thought everything was great aside from the condom thing--hey life isn't perfect. I thought he was the "better" man of others I dated. I am just hurt and confused and I feel so alone. I want to share my life with a wonderful man. I thought I had found one and now this. I am seriously going to consider things. I do want to spend more time with him and dig deep. He doesn't want to discuss any of this until we return from vacation--he wants it off his mind........oh well. I will keep you all posted.

     
    Old 08-11-2005, 11:30 AM   #14
    CarpeDiem2006
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    CarpeDiem2006's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 43
    CarpeDiem2006 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    Thanks to everyone...thanks cookiepls for that last par. I really needed that

    This is a very difficult situation--one I am still in shock over. I just feel like I am losing trust in people. It seems that time and time again, my trust is shattered. I am shocked that he is so cavalier about condoms after getting this girl pregnant and I don't understand it. It's our b-days and we are going away on vacation together--it's already planned; he wants to look at rings with me. I just feel so sad because I really thought everything was great aside from the condom thing--hey life isn't perfect. I thought he was the "better" man of others I dated. I am just hurt and confused and I feel so alone. I want to share my life with a wonderful man. I thought I had found one and now this. I am seriously going to consider things. I do want to spend more time with him and dig deep. He doesn't want to discuss any of this until we return from vacation--he wants it off his mind........oh well. I will keep you all posted.

     
    Old 08-11-2005, 12:10 PM   #15
    CarpeDiem2006
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    CarpeDiem2006's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 43
    CarpeDiem2006 HB User
    Re: My bf's ex tricked him into getting her pregnant

    The more I think about my own situation, the more angry I get. I feel like my bf doesn't want to use condoms with me because he's trying to get me pregnant and then I would be tied to him forever! He said he wouldn't mind if I got pregnant now even though I told him I don't want to. And this is all BEFORE I knew he had a child.......now I feel like he is accusing the mother of being deceptive but he is being the same way....are there any good guys left out there?

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly b-rad Relationship Health 28 09-20-2006 12:12 PM
    Who's right? Who's wrong? A fight with my BF minnesotagirl Relationship Health 29 06-13-2006 03:20 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:02 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!