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    Old 08-13-2005, 02:47 AM   #1
    eaglesgirl37
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    did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Hi everyone, it's Stacy . Some of you have been helping me all along since I went through a devastating breakup in March and know everything that's happened since. For those who weren't along for the bumpy ride , basically, things deteriorated for several months before the relationship ended, but I was still optimistic about the relationship's future until it was finally over for good. While I didn't really want to end things, I had seen the problems increasing and was relieved to some degree to no longer have to fight an uphill battle in terms of keeping us together. It was quite difficult to adjust to life without my boyfriend, who had spent every night in my bed since we met 3+ years ago and been there like a rock through the onset of chronic illness, several moves and different living situations, and much family drama. We were extremely close best friends who shared everything and never imagined ourselves apart until the end was clearly near...while I wasn't that upset to lose him as a boyfriend, as I saw that decision was for definitely for the best, it was heartbreaking all of a sudden to have such a cherished friend ripped out of my life.

    But I decided I wasn't going to let the split get me down anymore than necessary, so I worked really hard to focus on the future, stay optimistic, keep busy, and go out and have a lot of fun with new guys. I really enjoy men and dating and was excited for the opportunity to be single and free again...I did online dating, which far exceeded my expectations, and I had a lot of fun for several months meeting different men. In May I started talking with a guy who seemed to click with me in every possible way...he truly had all the qualities I was looking for in a partner, and was even a much better match for me than my ex. I was thrilled to meet him in person and see that the chemistry existed in real life as well as through our email correspondence, and we started dating exclusively after a few wonderful dates. Everything developed pretty naturally, and the more time we spent together, the more we enjoyed each other's company. I think we both see ourselves as a great match and have grown closer and closer since we've met...basically, I really really like him, he's a great guy who treats me wonderfully, and things are moving along comfortably and smoothly.

    At the time, I didn't feel like it was too soon to get involved with another guy, as I've never been one to mourn relationships for very long or to wait long before moving on to another guy. I didn't think I was on the rebound and honestly, the thought never crossed my mind that we had gotten involved too quickly until a few days ago. Nothing has gone wrong or happened within the new relatoinship to make me unhappy or pessimistic; I wonder if I just subconsciously want to create drama or something? I've been feeling kind of down and sad at times lately, not for any specific reason, although my chronic pain takes a toll on me and lately I've been missing my close friends, most of whom have now left my area now that it's been a few years since we finished college. I'm just not particularly enthusiastic about anything, which is something that's developed only very recently, maybe within the last week or so. And now with all this negativity, I'm wondering if maybe I made a bad decision to get involved in another fairly serious relationship so soon after the last one ended. It's not that anything is wrong or disappointing about my new relationship, it's just that I'm feeling sort of unsatisfied in general and wondering if it might be nicer to be free to date around and experience a lot of different guys. It could be one of those grass is always greener things, where the single life seems great to me from within the perspective of a committed relationship, especially since I've been in relationships the vast majority of the time since I started dating.

    I enjoyed my few months experiencing the singles life again, and I can't help but wonder, in my current bummed out state of mind, if I wouldn't be better off if I was still single and dating around. It's almost like I don't feel like I deserve to have a great new relationship because I'm so down on myself and uncertain about my future...I'm questioning just about everything at this point, and I know that I don't want to make any stupid, rash decisions or take my new BF for granted. Again, up until very recently I couldn't have been happier or more pleased with my new relationship, and nothing has happened to change that...these recent doubts have come at the same time as my general melancholy and bouts of pretty severe sadness and crying. I don't know what to think or what to do at this point...I'm not really sure even what I'm truly thinking, and I know it would be a bad move to make any decisions in my current confused, pessimistic, and just generally numb state of mind. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything right these days, so I'm sure it's no coincidence that I'm also questioning whether I was smart to hop into another relationship when I did.

    Do you guys think this is just a passing phase, since I've never had any doubts like this up until very recently, at the same time I started feeling sad? Again, I know that for many people, getting into another relationship so soon after a breakup might seem drastic or like a rebound, but it's pretty par for the course for me and certainly has never bothered me in the past, even when I've jumped from one relationship to the next with considerably less waiting period in between. That said, I do enjoy the single life...I'm a lot more like a stereotypical guy than a woman when it comes to my approach to dating and sex. I'm not someone who is eager to find deep, commited relationships and only have sex with a select few people who I truly love...I mean I do want and seek these things, but I also just love lots of different men and enjoy experiencing a wide variety of guys, both socially and physically. I'm almost feeling like I'd imagine a guy who's a bit of a womanizer would feel facing the possibility of commitment and having to give up his lifestyle involving many different women...I like that lifestyle, but I haven't had much time to experience it, having had a long series of monogamous, serious relationships filling up most of my adult years.

    Did I make a mistake by getting involved in my new relationship when I did? I was planning on being single for awhile, but when I met a great guy who was an incredibly compatible match for me, I figured I'd be stupid to let that go, as I know it's tough to find a fulfilling relationship on demand. So many people would kill to find a relationship like my new one, and it's certainly everything I want in a relationship...so why in the world am I questioning it? Do you think it's just because I need to conjure up some drama and turmoil because I'm feeling sad in general lately? Am I ungrateful and complacent now that I've settled again into a happy relationship...maybe I don't appreciate how lucky I am and am being foolish and taking my BF for granted by even having these thoughts? Or is there maybe some reason for my recent thoughts about being single, like my instincts trying to tell me something? If so though, wouldn't I be an idiot to throw away a great relationship with a wonderful man for an uncertain future? I have no idea about how I would actually act on these feelings if I decided to give them credence and follow through on them...these are just vague thoughts that have only been floating around in my head for a few days, and I don't want to make decisions while I'm feeling so down and confused . You have been so wonderful to me in the past guys, in helping steer me through the breakup and its aftermath and through the development of my new relationship with J...please, if you have any advice or insight for me now, I would appreciate it more than I can say. I love you guys and thanks a million for everything!!

     
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    Old 08-13-2005, 03:07 AM   #2
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    EG - wow, I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time right now. I hope it's just a phase you're going through, mainly due to the physical pain and fatigue. When you feel crappy physically, that makes everything else just so much harder to deal with.

    If I were you, I'd really hold off on making any major decisions until you can really pin down what's really causing the feelings of sadness and dissatisfaction. If it truly is not the new beau, then I really don't see any reason to break things off with him just because your frame of mind isn't perfect right now. Of course you don't want to make it all his problem too, but there's no reason to walk away either, I don't think. First, see the doc and make sure everything that can be done about the physical pain and discomfort is being done. Watch your diet, take good care of yourself and give it a few days and see if you still feel the same way.

    I suppose it's possible that it could be a "grass is greener" syndrome, but if you aren't really dissatisfied with your new guy in any significant way, why would that be, do you think?

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:38 AM   #3
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Thanks Hiya--that really helps . I agree with everything you've said...I bet a lot of this is just plain old fatigue and pain, which inevitably also affects my mood and general outlook. I guess the only thing about the grass is greener syndrome is that I do like being single and enjoy having the opportunity to experience a lot of different guys. I can't help but wonder if I was too quick to jump back out of that single life and into another relationship when I was really enjoying being independent and on my own. But on the other hand, I'm not at all dissatisfied with Justin...there's absolutely nothing I can think of that I'd want to be different between us. Everything with him has been great...it's just mainly that part of me misses being single and dating around, and I can't help but wonder if I might have cut that experience too short. Thanks again for your advice and support...you are totally right that I need to take care of myself physically first and foremost if I have any hope of having a positive outlook mentally and emotionally. I hope that I can find a way to feel better physically and stop dealing with these bouts of sadness, mostly about missing my friends, including Patrick, and feeling kind of lost, lonely, and uncertain about the direction my life is taking now that my chronic pain condition affects and overshadows everything . Hiya, have you discovered any successful ways to manage and cope with feeling sad, especially as far as not letting a bad mood influence your thinking about everything in your life? I hate to let my sadness negatively affect my perspective on the important relationships on my life...do you have any tips to share about overcoming bouts of feeling down? I usually would have some suggestions, but now I can't really think of any positive steps to take that might help improve my mood and hopefully also my outlook.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 03:53 AM   #4
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
    Hiya, have you discovered any successful ways to manage and cope with feeling sad, especially as far as not letting a bad mood influence your thinking about everything in your life? I hate to let my sadness negatively affect my perspective on the important relationships on my life...do you have any tips to share about overcoming bouts of feeling down? I usually would have some suggestions, but now I can't really think of any positive steps to take that might help improve my mood and hopefully also my outlook.
    There are a few things I do that actually, interestingly enough, I just heard a scientific study that just came out the other day that confirmed that these things really work. the study states that hospital patients who have rooms with a window with a beautiful view heal faster and are less susceptible to depression and need less pain medication. I'd suggest letting as much light in your house as possible. Take a little drive to the nearest beautiful park or garden, lake or open field with a nice peaceful creek and just sit for a while soaking up the natural beauty. Buy yourself a pretty, inexpensive bouquet of white,pink and peach summer flowers and put them in a vase in a very visible place. A little trick I use for pain is I fix myself a nice cup of warm tea, and I lay down and put on my favorite piece of soft, slow music and just focus on the beauty of it, whatever it is you find beautiful, the voices blending, the sweetness of the strings, whatever. Breath deeply and relax. Journaling also helps me get all my thoughts down on paper where I can get a good look at them, get a better perspective on them, without having to burden anyone with them. It can even help you figure out some things. I sure hope you're feeling better soon!

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 04:47 AM   #5
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Wow, Stacy, I had no idea you've been feeling so down lately. I hope that, just like Hiya said, it's a temporary thing brought about mostly by feeling physically tired and having to deal w/chronic pain. Or a combination of that and the 'grass is greener' syndrome.

    Although I do experience these bouts of sadness and feeling worn out also, for me they're either hormonally-induced (that time of the month), or because I am longing to be in a fulfilling relationship, so from that standpoint, I cannot relate much to what you've described. You said that you are extremely attracted to Justin and he's a great guy who treats you wonderfully and makes you a priority in his life. I wonder why, having all that, you would want to still experience a variety of men? It's not like he's your first bf and you have had no opportunities to date before. There are so many less than noble men out there that I would think any woman would be happy to meet someone so great and such a good match in a relatively short time and not having to go through numerous heartbreaks to get there. But maybe I'm talking like a "typical woman" here. Perhaps you really need a guy's perspective more, since in that regard, your personality is more "masculine" like you said.

    Hmm, I don't know exactly how to advise you, Stacy, but I do want to see you happy and not sad and crying. Perhaps it's just a passing phase and it will resolve on its own very soon. I would not make any decisions regarding your relationship at this time because you don't want to make a huge mistake. I think, to an extent, every relationship, even a good one, goes through a series of ups-and-downs, so perhaps you're now feeling the effects of a "down" cycle, now that things are not as new anymore. I hope you feel better soon, and please take care of yourself physically

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 05:13 AM   #6
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Oh guys, that is such great advice...thank you so much as always! Hiya, I've been thinking about starting a journal, maybe writing letters to the friends I miss but not necessarily sending them. I know it always makes me feel a whole lot better to post here and get all your insight in response, so I'll be sure to keep that up! I also love to go outside to beautiful places...I miss my hometown, Phila******a, because where I lived outside the city, all the houses and natural scenery were just beautiful and always cheered me up. I'm not too happy in the midwest but objectively, I can't complain about my life. I do feel really lucky to have Justin and great friends and family members...this counts for a lot and really helps make me happy and confident, most of the time anyway. And Sophia, I also agree with everything you've said. I know I should feel grateful to have found a great guy who treats me really well, and I do, but I guess I kind of take those guys for granted too, to some extent anyway, as I don't have much experience with jerky guys, so I don't know...part of me just likes to be playing the field and having the chance to experience a lot of different guys, no matter how happy I am in the relationship. This has unfortunately led to cheating in the past, particularly in the less than satisfying relationships, but I wouldn't make that mistake at this point. Now I'd just leave a guy before it got to that point...but you guys, I did do something bad. I turned on my profile last night on the dating site because of that one cute guy, and I have to admit that I have been very happy to see the messages coming in so far! Why am I always tempted like this? Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out for monogamy...none of my fantasies have ever included it .

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 05:36 AM   #7
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Oh, wow. Maybe you're just really easily bored with things and like to experience new challenges. Hmm. I don't know. It's true that some people are simply not cut out for monogamy. Perhaps you just know yourself. Or it might be also that you're still very young and haven't reached the point where you desire to be in a committed relationship yet. Nothing wrong with that. Still, I don't think it's a good idea to have your profile turned on, and it's not really fair to Justin, either. How would you react if you accidently found that his profile is back on and he's chatting with girls behind your back?

    As a sidenote, I don't know why these dating sites keep sending people new matches even after someone has evidently taken off their profile. It's like, the temptation never ends! They want you to stay a member for life!

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 06:37 AM   #8
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    I know, it's torture, Sophia! They want to keep us single forever...but at the same time, I love encountering all those different possibilities. I know it's bad to have my profile up, I need to take it down, but I already got so many nice messages and it's hard! I'm a bad girl deep down, I think, I really like to be hedonistic and all that but I know that's not the mature way to live. I'm just all confused and twisted around right now, and I'm also tired and drained from all this pain. GRR I don't know what to do, I mean I know what I need to do, I just don't know what's wrong with me lately or why I'm thinking the way I'm thinking!

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 06:44 AM   #9
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
    I know, it's torture, Sophia! They want to keep us single forever...but at the same time, I love encountering all those different possibilities. I know it's bad to have my profile up, I need to take it down, but I already got so many nice messages and it's hard! I'm a bad girl deep down, I think, I really like to be hedonistic and all that but I know that's not the mature way to live. I'm just all confused and twisted around right now, and I'm also tired and drained from all this pain. GRR I don't know what to do, I mean I know what I need to do, I just don't know what's wrong with me lately or why I'm thinking the way I'm thinking!
    Maybe you're afraid of committing to one man because you don't want him to "take you for granted"?? Could that be a possibility? That on some level you don't want to get too attached to one guy because you don't want to give him so much "power" and potentially hurt you? I don't think you're the "player" type because you wouldn't be feeling so torn about it. So I think there's more to it.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 08:11 AM   #10
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Stacy, maybe you're just plain ol' not ready to settle down yet...

    Dating used to be a time where you could meet alot of different people - now its "cheating" if either person sees someone else after 2 dates and you're joined at the hip before you're even engaged or married. I personally believe that nowadays as soon as you add a physical relationship to dating you've made the relationship more complex.

    I'm thinking that if this guy was truly the right one you wouldn't be having these feelings. I'm torn between telling you to get out there and date - and to take 6 months to a year before you date anyone.
    And of course you can stay with this guy and fight the urge to go out with other guys...
    Wish I could have been of more help. Looking back most of my relationships were just dramatic ways to spend my life until I met the right guy (plus I ended up with aLOT of memories & enough history to help out here on the Relationship Board!!)
    Hang in there -
    Ruth

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 08:48 AM   #11
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Your online dating experience was extremely empowering. Do you think you miss that feeling and all the attention you got? I imagine that can easily become very addictive to someone who loves playing the field. While screening Justin, you were too busy to really feel the effects of the addiction but now that heís passed your preliminary tests, you feel the effects again.

    If this makes sense to you, it implies that you will always be somewhat unsatisfied with any guy no matter how great he is. Iíve read that girls who grow up without a father figure living in their household (as I believe you did) tend to look for the approval of lots of men as adults to compensate. While I donít know if that really applies to you, it certainly is one possible explaination.

    Last edited by heartlandguy; 08-13-2005 at 01:46 PM. Reason: typos

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 11:58 AM   #12
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    [QUOTE=eaglesgirl37]I enjoyed my few months experiencing the singles life again, and I can't help but wonder, in my current bummed out state of mind, if I wouldn't be better off if I was still single and dating around. It's almost like I don't feel like I deserve to have a great new relationship because I'm so down on myself and uncertain about my future...I'm questioning just about everything at this point, and I know that I don't want to make any stupid, rash decisions or take my new BF for granted. Again, up until very recently I couldn't have been happier or more pleased with my new relationship, and nothing has happened to change that...these recent doubts have come at the same time as my general melancholy and bouts of pretty severe sadness and crying. I don't know what to think or what to do at this point...I'm not really sure even what I'm truly thinking, and I know it would be a bad move to make any decisions in my current confused, pessimistic, and just generally numb state of mind. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything right these days, so I'm sure it's no coincidence that I'm also questioning whether I was smart to hop into another relationship when I did.
    Quote:

    Stacy, I think I mentioned a while back that you could have been on the rebound when you got serious fairly quickly with Justin. The fact that you are now having doubts about getting into a serious relationship so quickly after your break-up with Patrick speaks volumes.

    I read that Pisces woman and Libra are okay together, but not the greatest combination. I know it depends on where all the other planets are, but this is from the book based on sexual compatibility.

    You obviously are feeling confused and if you have any doubts at all, maybe you should get back out there and date a few more men for awhile. Justin seems like a really nice guy and everything and I know he treats you well, so this would be a very hard decision to make. I guess time will tell whether he is the one you should stay with or not. By the way, great to see you back! We all missed you.

    Last edited by greeneyes100; 08-13-2005 at 12:02 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 12:35 PM   #13
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
    I've been feeling kind of down and sad at times lately, not for any specific reason, although my chronic pain takes a toll on me and lately I've been missing my close friends, most of whom have now left my area now that it's been a few years since we finished college. I'm just not particularly enthusiastic about anything, which is something that's developed only very recently, maybe within the last week or so. It's not that anything is wrong or disappointing about my new relationship, it's just that I'm feeling sort of unsatisfied in general and wondering if it might be nicer to be free to date around and experience a lot of different guys. It could be one of those grass is always greener things, where the single life seems great to me from within the perspective of a committed relationship, especially since I've been in relationships the vast majority of the time since I started dating.
    Stacy ~ Something is definitely going on here and I think you shouldn't ignore it. You can remain with Justin out of comfort but my instincts tell me that if everything were all it should be you wouldn't be feeling this array of emotions. Everything you describe points towards not being ready to commit. And I do not think that it would be fair to Justin to give him the impression that you are when everything you describe here says that you aren't. My mom often tells me that you should never do something that your mouth says yes to and your heart shouts no to. And I follow that advice alot in my life.

    I agree with Ruth in the sense that you should either get out there and date more or not date at all for a while. Your post speaks so strongly about how you are not ready to commit to one guy at this time.

    I also must agree with Heartland in the sense that there is more to all of this than meets the eye. As one who has the habit of saying things as I see them your dating lifestyle is short of promiscuous.....I don't mean to say that in a hurtful way because I have grown to love you as I do my own daughter but to date like a guy and love having sex with so many guys, sometimes women use this as a defense mechanism of some sort in which Heartland touched on a little bit. He put it in a loving and precise manner that I couldn't even compete with. I think it defintitely advice that you should seriously consider at this time.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Eaglegirl
    It's almost like I don't feel like I deserve to have a great new relationship because I'm so down on myself and uncertain about my future...I'm questioning just about everything at this point, and I know that I don't want to make any stupid, rash decisions or take my new BF for granted. Again, up until very recently I couldn't have been happier or more pleased with my new relationship, and nothing has happened to change that...these recent doubts have come at the same time as my general melancholy and bouts of pretty severe sadness and crying. I don't know what to think or what to do at this point...I'm not really sure even what I'm truly thinking, and I know it would be a bad move to make any decisions in my current confused, pessimistic, and just generally numb state of mind. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything right these days, so I'm sure it's no coincidence that I'm also questioning whether I was smart to hop into another relationship when I did.
    This is so unlike the Stacy we all know. There is far more to this than you may think, Stacy, and you shouldn't be feeling this way if you were ready for a monogamous relationship or for Justin. You really need to take a big step back and look more into what is going on. I know that you mentioned alot of your friends having moved on and so many changes occurring all at once in your life. I think it is time to take a good look at what's ging on in your life and what you need to do to make yourself happy again. It even sounds as if you may wish to weigh moving back to Philly to where you feel most at home. Only you can sort through all of this but I have a feeling that you ought to take away anything that is adding unnecessary pressure and stress in order to figure this all out.

    I am here for you as always to help you sort out if need be. Please do not brush this all under the rug....a big red flag is there that I have seen for some time now and it's time you faced it and try your best to overcome it.

    Lots of (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-13-2005 at 12:40 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 08:23 PM   #14
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Your online dating experience was extremely empowering. Do you think you miss that feeling and all the attention you got? I imagine that can easily become very addictive to someone who loves playing the field. While screening Justin, you were too busy to really feel the effects of the addiction but now that heís passed your preliminary tests, you feel the effects again.

    If this makes sense to you, it implies that you will always be somewhat unsatisfied with any guy no matter how great he is. Iíve read that girls who grow up without a father figure living in their household (as I believe you did) tend to look for the approval of lots of men as adults to compensate. While I donít know if that really applies to you, it certainly is one possible explaination.
    Ruth, I think you're right that I'm not sure if I am ready to settle down with any one guy at this point, but that's okay for the time being, because it's not like I'm considering marriage. Like you said, dating is a time to evaluate a variety of potential mates and see if each one might be a suitable match. Just because I'm not completely ready to marry Justin at this point doesn't mean he isn't the one for me...it's just too soon to tell, in my opinion. For me, devoting myself to one man is a sacrifice, not something I desire desperately. While many women think every man they date is the one they will live happily ever after with, I just don't have that mindset, nor do I see that as a healthy way to think about potential partners. I guess my approach to sex and dating is much more typically male than female, which is why advice that fits in with the double standards surrounding women and sex just doesn't help me or apply to me whatsoever.

    Your own perspectives make you see monogamy as somehow better or healthier than being with different people, but that is not universally true and certainly doesn't hold true for everyone. It actually really bothers me when people assume that a man with a strong sex drive and desire for multiple woman is just indulging his natural urges for pleasure, but hold women to a totally different standard. I know you guys mean well, but trust me that you're way off base in ascribing my desire for different men as a result of some deep-seated insecurity or need for male approval when it is simply a quest for fun and physical pleasure. Women don't have to be obsessed with finding a monogamous relationship to have healthy levels of confidence, awareness and respect for their sexual desires, and a great deal of responsibility for their own health, fulfillment, and pleasure. There's nothing wrong with a woman seeking multiple partners out of a natural desire for enjoyment, just as men do, yet I am positive you would have given me drastically different advice if I was a guy. You would have said that as a young man, it's ok to explore different women and learn more about what I want without assuming there's something wrong or missing with me and that I feel this way not because I like men and sex but because I'm plagued by insecurity and desperate for male approval. It's just that the same old tired double standard really bothers me, and I'm sick of people judging women harshly and viewing them as disturbed or flawed for having strong sexual urges while it's completely normal, even admirable, for men to feel the exact same way. It's just not fair or accurate to think that wanting sex outside monogamy means a woman has issues rather than consider that she might just really enjoy sex with a variety of partners, as many women AND men do. But far too many people still make the sexist and demeaning assumption that her quest is prompted by a need to feel desired by many men rather than a need to control and fulfill her own sexual urges, a need which is almost universally deemed unhealthy if not fulfilled within a monogamous relationship.

    Heartland and Goody, I know you mean well here, but I can't help but be a little offended that you assume that because I don't have your attitude toward sex, there's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. Especially thinking that this has something to do with my dad (who by the way played a very involved, important role throughout my life and certainly hasn't caused me any insecurities or neuroses) is kind of insulting, as if I can't be motivated by my own healthy, positive desires rather than being needy and desperate for male approval because I didn't have had my dad live in the same house as me? Why do people think that everything women do is caused by needing men, while men are seen as being driven by their natural, biological instincts to enjoy sex and procreate?

    Heartland, you're right that I did enjoy feeling desired and getting lots of attention from online dating, but it's important to realize that this wasn't a new experience. Ever since like 6th grade, I've been surrounded by lots and lots of men who have demonstrated lots of interest and desire for me...this doesn't change or go away just because I'm in a relationship, but it is certainly tempting. It's a lot like how men who are highly sought after by women have a hard time limiting themselves to one woman because they are consistently surrounded by such a wide variety of appealing females...I don't think it has to do with finding any man I'm with lacking so much as it's difficult to me not to indulge my desire for lots of pleasure from a variety of sources when such temptation has always been a constant in my life. I usually feel like you provide amazingly insightful perspective into my thinking, but this advice just completely missed the mark for me. I really don't think there is anything unhealthy or addictive in my strong sexual drive, despite the fact that most people are uncomfortable, even threatened, by women whose sexual urges aren't confined to one person. I wonder if you wouldn't mind advising me on this as if I were a man, because I think looking at me through the lens of a typical woman who is desperate for monogamy and screwed up if she yearns for many different men just hasn't resulted in accurate insight or advice so far. I don't mean to be argumentative here and I sincerely hope I don't sound defensive or unappreciative...I just honestly think that a lot of assumptions people make about female sexuality are unfair and couldn't be less applicable to me.

    Last edited by eaglesgirl37; 08-13-2005 at 08:26 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2005, 09:06 PM   #15
    eaglesgirl37
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    Re: did I move on too quickly after my breakup?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Stacy ~ Something is definitely going on here and I think you shouldn't ignore it. You can remain with Justin out of comfort but my instincts tell me that if everything were all it should be you wouldn't be feeling this array of emotions. Everything you describe points towards not being ready to commit. And I do not think that it would be fair to Justin to give him the impression that you are when everything you describe here says that you aren't. My mom often tells me that you should never do something that your mouth says yes to and your heart shouts no to. And I follow that advice alot in my life.

    I agree with Ruth in the sense that you should either get out there and date more or not date at all for a while. Your post speaks so strongly about how you are not ready to commit to one guy at this time.

    I also must agree with Heartland in the sense that there is more to all of this than meets the eye. As one who has the habit of saying things as I see them your dating lifestyle is short of promiscuous.....I don't mean to say that in a hurtful way because I have grown to love you as I do my own daughter but to date like a guy and love having sex with so many guys, sometimes women use this as a defense mechanism of some sort in which Heartland touched on a little bit. He put it in a loving and precise manner that I couldn't even compete with. I think it defintitely advice that you should seriously consider at this time.


    This is so unlike the Stacy we all know. There is far more to this than you may think, Stacy, and you shouldn't be feeling this way if you were ready for a monogamous relationship or for Justin. You really need to take a big step back and look more into what is going on. I know that you mentioned alot of your friends having moved on and so many changes occurring all at once in your life. I think it is time to take a good look at what's ging on in your life and what you need to do to make yourself happy again. It even sounds as if you may wish to weigh moving back to Philly to where you feel most at home. Only you can sort through all of this but I have a feeling that you ought to take away anything that is adding unnecessary pressure and stress in order to figure this all out.

    I am here for you as always to help you sort out if need be. Please do not brush this all under the rug....a big red flag is there that I have seen for some time now and it's time you faced it and try your best to overcome it.

    Lots of (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Yes, I definitely agree that something is going on with me that I need to explore further and come to terms with. While I don't agree even remotely with the double standards most people subscribe to when it comes to sex, I do see there are some really important issues here that I need to consider and try to resolve. I don't think any of this has to do with me being fearful of commitment and monogamy, nor do I think that having strong desires for more than one man mean I'm somehow flawed or that all this is a defense mechanism rather than just my honest, healthy attitude toward my sexuality. So as far as issues of men and sex are concerned, I am completely certain they aren't at all unhealthy or problematic for me. This is one instance where what you see is what you get, and thereís nothing unhealthy or lacking in me lurking beneath the surface of my sexual feelings...anyway, please take me at my word that I just love sex and I love men, lots of them. I have always been this way, and I've loved all my experiences with guys so far...I actually find it empowering and good for my confidence to be free and open with my desires and pursue what I long for without any shame or guilt imposed by external observers. But that doesnít explain why Iím feeling so sad and confused latelyÖ

    I wish I could put my finger on just what is bothering me...I know what it isn't--it has nothing to do with Justin, or commitment, or sex and dating. It's more like I feel generally unsettled and for the first time ever, I'm not sure exactly where I want my life to be going. It's always been hard for me not to have everything planned out and know what is coming next for me, and I don't deal well with change. I like for things to feel settled and stable, and right now, I have no clue where I'll be, who I'll be with, and what I'll be doing in the future. I'm feeling kind of lost and drifting...so it's definitely bothering me that my friends have scattered and that I'm unsure of my future course in life. I think that might be part of the reason I'm just discontented with everything and questioning a lot of things lately...it's like I just want to know for sure how everything will turn out, and it really frustrates me at times that that's impossible. There are just no guarantees or certainties in life, and while I'm usually okay with that and happy to enjoy the ride and see what life brings my way, there are also times where it bothers and worries me that I don't have a set, planned path in life. I think the central issue in all of this sadness and confusion is my pain, which has deeply impacted every aspect of my life.

    Before it happened, I was successful and confident with almost everything I tried and felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. I knew exactly how I wanted to proceed after college...but now that something completely outside my control limits and inhibits me in an unfamiliar, scary, and depressing way, I'm feeling very lost and mourning the loss of the person I was before this pain set in. I really miss that time when I truly believed I could do anything I set my mind to, and that nothing could come between me and my goals...I never conceived of something like a chronic illness coming into play and changing everything as drastically as it has. Not only did it erode and destroy a relationship I believed was the one for me, long-term, but it has gotten in the way of my educational and professional goals because I never know what I'll feel well enough to accomplish on a given day. That makes it extremely difficult to plan ahead or feel confident in tackling new endeavors, because my success or failure is no longer completely within my control . Does that make any sense, and does it help make what I've said earlier in this thread make any more sense? I really think the core issues here are the pain and the general uncertainty and fear about the future that it has caused. I just wish there was some way I could take back control of my life and not be subject to stressors, pressures, and obstacles I have no power to overcome. I feel like everything has changed dramatically for me now, and I can't help but mourn the loss of the me and the life I had before the pain came, along with feel terribly confused, sad, and scared about all the uncertainty and pain that lies ahead for me . Thank you so much Goody for being there for me and being completely honest with me...I really need all the support and advice you can muster these days, as I'm feeling very sad and floundering, kind of treading water I guess. You guys are the best, and I don't know what I would do without you to vent to and get such caring insight from .

    I want to apologize for reacting so strongly to some of what you guys have said...I know you have nothing but kind wishes for me and the most helpful, good intentions. And as always I sincerely appreciate your thoughtful advice. I guess it's just a bit of a sore spot for me when people make inaccurate assumptions about me based on my gender, especially assumptions they wouldn't make about a man with the same attitude toward the opposite gender and sexuality. People have been trying to judge me and pigeon-hole me my whole life because I don't fit into the normal mold of a sexual female, which people are comfortable with...they like seeing all women as deeply emotional, not interested in sex for just physical gratification, and longing for a monogamous committed relationship. Women who like sex for the sake of their own pleasure scare people for some reason, and people have been incredibly harsh and judgmental toward me, making all sorts of completely off base assumptions about how I must be insecure, desperate for approval, or otherwise messed up for being sexually confident and assertive towards a variety of men when I'm actually the least insecure and needy woman I've known in a long time. So this is a very touchy subject for me, and I am very sorry if my response was overly strongly or harshly worded at points. The last thing I ever want to do is take out my frustration at other people on my wonderful cyber friends and familyÖI love you all and have immense respect for your opinions along with deep gratitude for all your help and support .

     
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