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In need of some advice

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Old 08-27-2005, 09:59 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 80
Mattm4000 HB User
In need of some advice

Hi, everyone.

ok,heres my problem..I am a 26 year old single male. Theres a girl I know who I like alot. Shes about 22 or so and shes extremely attractive and as far as I know she doesn't have a boyfriend and I have heard shes been looking for someone.

But here's my dillema...I have known this girl a very long time. I would guess around 13 years. I hesitate to say that we are friends though, only because shes not someone that I hang out with or spend any kind of time with. She lives on the same block that I do and coincidentally she also works on the same block that I do. I know her because we live in a small town where mostly everyone knows each other plus I just see her alot in my daily routine because we live and work so close together. A few years ago I was involved in a serious relationship with someone and she herself was also seriously involved with someone but ever since me and her have both ended those relationships and now we are both single.

I have a few problems here though..First of all I have absoultely no idea whatsoever how she feels about me. I couldn't even venture a guess. Its the type of situation where if I came to find out she was madly in love with me I would not be surprised or if I found out she hated me with a passion I would not be surprised either. She is very friendly to me when she sees me and we always make it a point to say hello and speak a few words to one another when we see each other but that doesn't neccessarily mean she is looking for anything to happen between us. Lately when I have been talking to her I have been trying to make it a bit more personal in an attempt to find out how she feels about me but it just doesn't seem to be working. Either shes just been quiet about it or maybe I am not picking up the right signals. The other problem is that she probably intimidates me more so then any other girl I know. The reason for that,I believe, is because of her looks. Shes extremely attractive and she knows it too so I find it hard to talk to her. Another problem I have is that I also feel that because I have known her half of my life that if I was going to try to ask her out on a date, its something I should have done years ago. I feel like that if I just come to her 13 years after I have known her and just walk up to her one day out of the blue and ask her for a date its going to be a little bit shocking to her and unexpected and I am not sure that would be such a good thing.

The good news here though is that I might have found a bit of a solution to all of this and this is really the point of my post is to seek advice about this.

I have a very good female friend of mine who is also a co-worker that knows this girl that I like. They too are not would you would call friends and they don't hang out with one another but they do talk and are very friendly with one another. So to make a long story friend has offered to have a "girl to girl" talk with her for me in an attempt to uncover how this girl might feel towards me. She said that she would go up to her and mention to her how I am single and she knows that I have feelings for her but because I am the quiet,shy type that I am just not saying anything. She was also not going to let on to her that I had any knowledge of this conversation. In other words she was going to make it look like she went and talked to this girl behind my back but in reality I know 100% about the conversation. Then she would come back to me, tell me what the girl said, and then I could proceed from there after I know her feelings.

The thing I am worried about here though is what if the girl sees through what me and my friend are up too and what if shes realizes that the reality is that I put my friend up to it and she starts to feel like well he doesn't even have enough courage to talk to me himself so he is sending another female to do his dirty work..obviously that wouldn't make me look very good. I also fear that because she knows that me and this girl are friends that she might not be honest about how she feels towards me because she would figure that whatever she says to her is going to get back to me anyway so essentially talking to her would be just like talking to me. Lastly, even if she does admit to my friend that she has an interest in me, I am not too sure how to proceed from there because dont forget I am not supposed to have any knowledge of this conversation, so if I just "happen" to walk up to her and ask her out 24 hours after she admitted to my friend that she liked me then its going to look too obvious and too planned and who knows what that might do. But then if I wait too long to talk to her I am going to lose my chances with her I know.

Sorry this came out to be so long but what I would really like to know here basically is would it be a good idea to send my friend to talk to her for me? and then if she admits to having an interest in me how do I take it from there?

Any comments, positive or negative are welcomed.
Thanks everyone!

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Old 08-27-2005, 10:14 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 528
joy78 HB User
Re: In need of some advice

Hi Matt,
I really think you just need to ask this girl out. Next time you see her, ask her if she wants to get dinner or drinks with you sometime. What it really comes down to is that you are scared of rejection because you really like her. Which is completley normal. But I also think that you are too hard on yourself. Don't assume she isn't interested, she very well might be. She might be in the same position you are in, wondering why you haven't asked her out yet. The basic decision here is, are you happy with the interaction you guys have now, or do you want to see if it goes farther? If you want to see if it goes farther, just go for it. Or maybe the next time you are hanging out with friends ask her if she wants to hang out too.That might be a little less pressure because you two are not alone. You have known her for a very long time, so I don't think asking her to hang out is weird at all. Give it a try, take a chance. Even if she isn't interested, at least then you have an answer. It looks like you are thinking about this a lot and it might be good to just have an answer. Just ask her out, that's my advice.

Old 08-28-2005, 06:35 AM   #3
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,774
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: In need of some advice

You will never know for sure how this girl feels until you ask her out!

You are worrying a lot over trivial things that may never happen. Stop worrying and start doing.

She may be a bit guarded, especially if she has been hurt in the past.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Old 08-28-2005, 08:09 AM   #4
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 134
netle HB User
Re: In need of some advice

What is the worst that can happen if you ask her out? She'll say no, that's it.
How bad would that REALLY be? Your ego might hurt for a little while but you'll move on and find another girl.

Since you're not real close friends, it's not going to hurt your relationship to ask her out. And it's better to put yourself out there rather than always wondering what if. Hell, she might like you a lot and is just as shy as you are.

Heck, even having your lady friend do some undercover work is better than nothing. Maybe she play "blind date" and ask her if she would go out with you. Or she could invite her to have lunch and have you show up so you two could get to know each other better. Either way, just take some action.

Last edited by Geek_Kittie; 08-28-2005 at 08:11 AM.

Old 08-28-2005, 10:21 AM   #5
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 80
Mattm4000 HB User
Re: In need of some advice

Hi again all,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I know that you are right that I need to just talk to her myself. But I am just so afraid. Shes really a beautiful girl and I don't consider myself anything more then an average guy at best so I guess maybe the real problem here is that I can't see myself being lucky enough to have her tell me yes and thats what is contributing to my fear of talking to her. It would just seem to good to be true if it did happen. I know I need to find a way though.

Anyone else have any advice for me keep it coming.. your words are an inspiration to me for sure! lol.

Thanks again! Matt.

Old 08-28-2005, 03:41 PM   #6
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,774
greeneyes100 HB User
Re: In need of some advice

Hi Matt:

Women don't just look at a guy's looks...really. They are very attracted to confident men, so why don't you stop being so hard on yourself, and look at the great qualities you do have to offer.

AFter she goes on a few dates with you, she might find she's really attracted to you, and not just for your looks alone. Actually, I read in one of Dr. Gray's books (the one who wrote Venus and Mars), that women actually become more physically attracted to a man when they are attracted to a man on the emotional level.

So, get your confidence up where it should be and take a chance. Like the other poster said, you will always regret it if you don't. The worse possible scenario is that she may say "no". Yes, your ego may get a little bruised, but so what. Just refuse to take it personally. Good luck.

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