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When is it over after an affair

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Old 09-05-2005, 12:41 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1
beejeweled73 HB User
When is it over after an affair

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We dated in high school and engaged at 18 and married at 22. We have 3 kids, 6,4& 2. 1 &1/2 years ago my husband had an affair with a good friend and neighbor. We had both been depressed off and on for years but we were there for each other. When he left I fell apart and was determined to do anything to get him back. He was severely depressed and suicidal. He agreed to stop seeing her and come home but said things had to change. I was no longer allowed to get mad and yell or to dismiss him. This was very hard to do under ordinary stress but living down the street from the other woman and having my children ask why they couldn't play with her children was unbearable. So we moved. We went to couples counseling and individual counseling. We attended workshops. My husband still said he was not happy and didn't loveme like he should but felt heshould stay because he knew I loved him and it was best for our family. Now 19 months later I am tired of being unloved but I do not want to give up on our marriage or our family. I love him but we have no emotional connection. What should I do next?

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Old 09-05-2005, 09:04 AM   #2
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: When is it over after an affair

im sorry for your pain. if i were you i would have left him the day he had an affair, let alone w your best friend, but i understand you've been married 10 yrs and have a family so you wanted to forgive. you said your husband was depressed and suicidal. had he ever gotten any help for this? i hope so, this could cause serious strain on your family life as well as your kids who have nothing to do w it. i hope they wouldnt have to wake up one day and their daddy be gone. moving from the other woman was a good idea, especially keeping your kids away from her kids. counseling was a step, but after saying he doesnt love you like he should, and wants whats best for your family..... HE IS BASICALLY SAYING.."YOU DERSERVE BETTER" and i truly think you do. a marriage is nothing without an emotional connection, and youre trying and hes not, so i think , as hard as it will be, you need to move on to someone who will love your kids liek he loves you, respects you, and stays true to you. dont let your husband walk all over you and know he can get away w anything. hes probably telling you this because he doesnt want to hurt you but he cannot control it. dont stay w him for the kids sake, if thats a concern of yours because then they will just grow up w parents who arent in love and show that. reassure them that dad and mom can still love them the same, even if dad and mom cannot be together anymore..... dont be down on yourself because you've obviously doen everythign you can for your marriage, and now its time to get out and eventually find someone that completes your every need. im not saying divorce him NOW, but definatelt, i would seperate for the time being. good luck, wish you the best, xoxo

Old 09-05-2005, 09:07 AM   #3
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 498
ibeeshell HB User
Re: When is it over after an affair

Kick his sorry a** out and file for divorce!!! Why on earth would you stay with a man who flatout tells you he doesn't love you anymore? That is emotional abuse.

Staying in a marriage with no love is NOT was is best for your children. They know it, as children are not stupid. Just think back to when you were young and even if your parents didn't fight in front of you, you still knew when they were mad at each other. If you have daughters, you are teaching them to be a doormat for any man to walk all over them.

As for your husband forbidding you to get angry, is that about anything at all? That's really unhealthy for you as bottling up emotions can lead to severe health problems.

Why were both of you depressed to begin with?

Old 09-05-2005, 09:15 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,323
laurie864bla HB User
Re: When is it over after an affair

My answer to this question is....IMMEDIATELY. Way easier said than done for a lot of folks tho, and I feel your pain. ...literally.

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