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When to throw in the towel?

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Old 09-16-2005, 08:16 AM   #1
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lizf HB User
When to throw in the towel?

The title of this thread sounds very flippant but it's very serious. I am in such an emotional dilemma that I feel physically ill. I have been married for 11 years to a basically great guy. We have had problems over the years but always seem to stay together. The problem now is that I am starting to realize that he will never get over things that have happened in the past. He had said in the past that I "behaved inappropriate" with people that I work with. He is much more introverted than I and I work in a University setting and I interact with many young men. I am friendly and yes - sometimes flirty but that's it. I got to lunch with professors that I have worked with and know for longer than him. He likes to throw these types of things in my face like saying "I am the dept. escort !!". I try to let these things roll off of me because I know what I am and I just see him as a bit insecure. He tells me that if he worked in a different environment (he works mostly with men) and he went to lunches with girls he worked with - that I would be bothered too. But the thing is - if he did this before he met me then I don't think it would .. but of course there is no telling him that - he thinks that I am lying ... So now here I am starting to realize that I can't change the past, only behave in a way that he finds acceptable and be honest and try to move to a strong future but he still brings up these things ... I am having a hard time not shrinking away from our relationship in order to protect my heart. I get very hurt whenever he says things like this and of course it affects our sex life. Because as you know, sex for a woman if mostly emotional and if I don't feel happy emotionally - I can't give myself. Last week he had a health scare and kept saying that it was the worst time, because things aren't going well with us and he'll never know if that is the reason I am trying ... he also made some stupid comments about feeling awful because if he died he would have to leave everything to me and he didn't think that I deserved it !! This was really hurtful and harsh and unacceptable and I feel like insisting that he change his will even we stay together - that I don't want a single thing from him. What is my problem - why do we stay together. I do love him when things are nice but when he gets like that I want to have to strength to say that this isn't working but I don't have it .. what will it take .. Someone help !

I am 37 and he is 47. He is divorced with 2 daughters (who he doesn't have a relationship with). He is very difficult to approach on subjects like this. I know that if I went to him tonight and said that I am very confused by how I am feeling, that the comments he has made have been hurtful and I am not sure what to do .. he would say that I should have thought of that before I was a "player" and if I'm not happy to go find someone else to play with ..

i know I make this sound terrible and un-fixable but maybe someone can see more to this than I have time to write.


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Old 09-16-2005, 08:43 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: When to throw in the towel?

Hi Liz!
Your husband sounds immature, I'm sorry to say. If you honestly think that initiating a serious conversation about how he makes you feel would result in him saying "Well you should have thought of that before!", then he's definitely acting like a 15 year old!
The thing is, everyone has different opinions on what's acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship/marriage. ((I'm a bit confused about one thing though: You were flirty and would go for lunch with co-workers in the PAST? Or are you still doing it now?)) Your husband has a problem with you being so friendly with men at work. Granted, he's going about it the wrong way by belitting you with mean comments and threatening to cut you out of the will! JEEZ! The better approach would be to say "Honey, I feel a little insecure when I hear that you had lunch with so-and-so", and have an adult conversation about what can be done to make both of you happy. Picking on you and being insulting is certainly not the answer! You will never be able to come to a compromise if that's his attitude, and for that reason I can't see a reason why you should have to do as he wishes at this point.
Your main problem right now is not his insecurity. It's his awful attitude and his refusal to be a grown up about it! I would keep attempting to help him fix his immaturity problems, but if he refuses to have a serious conversation about it then I can't see how that is even possible.
Have you tried counseling?
There's no need to put up with this sort of behavior, and you deserve to be treated with more respect.

Old 09-16-2005, 10:02 AM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2004
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lizf HB User
Re: When to throw in the towel?

Thank you for a wonderful honest reply. You asked if i still go to lunch with profs. that I work with. Well yes - on Secretaries Day my boss takes me to lunch but he's over 50 for God's sake .. The other men that I went to lunch with were much older as well. Just nice older gentlemen who were very nice company and seemed to treat me like a daughter. I started working in my dept. when I was 19 and have been here for 17 years !!! So basically these men are like family ... But yes you are right - it is an insecurity. We have had some mature conversations about where we are going but I can't seem to get him to understand that I cannot change the past and I am sorry that these things bothered him but there is nothing to worry about and I am not acting inappropriately. I go out for drinks once a month with a group from work (guys and girls). We call it "Pub Class". I have a really good time because I really like the girls that I work with. I think this bothers my husband. I am not sure if he thinks that an event with alcohol could lead me to behave in a way that other men might consider an invitation .. I'm not like that - like I said I am friendly but people respect me and the fact that I a married. I just have fun and get goofy and have a lot of laughs with these people - even during business hours we have a lot of laughs . I really don't know what to do ...

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