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    Old 09-23-2005, 12:21 AM   #1
    dedication_pos
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    How do I start and build relationships with women?

    How can I both start and progress a relationship with women? I have struggled with this my entire life. The last time I really had a friend who was a girl, where I actually hung out with her on a regular basis was when I was around 8 years old (21 years old now). I've tried to communicate with them in school, but I can never get outside of that school environment. I don't know what's wrong with me. I try to smile at them, say hi to them, be a gentlemen to them, yet I haven't gone anywhere past "hi how are you's" for a long time. Sorry I kinda have a hard time explaining myself.

    I've tried asking some of the girls that I've had crushes on to hang out, but I've never gotten anywhere. I've studied with a girl before, and I really enjoyed that, but that girl moved away, so I'm left with nothing here.

    Of course the main reason is that I want to find a girlfriend and have a romantic relationship, but right now I want to focus on my communication and friendship skills with women. By friendship I want to talk to them on a regular basis, hang out with them outside of school, etc.

    What do you guys think I can do?

    Last edited by dedication_pos; 09-23-2005 at 12:22 AM.

     
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    Old 09-23-2005, 06:23 AM   #2
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Hi,

    firstly you have to remember that being ''friends'' with a woman does not give you the right to expect a romantic relationship because in my experience when i have gotten close to a man and he then tells me he would like ''more'' than that i have mostly always had to say no because when i get close to a man in a friendship way i would not want to jeopridise that by trying a relationship that might not work out and then i risk loosing a friend..i think that sounded a bit confusing but do you know what i mean?

    you should try to be at ease with women , act confident (not too confident as that is a turn off) and try to listen to them when they speak to you,cos' women love to talk!

    do you have many male friends? if you do im sure some of them have girlfriends or just friends who are women and maybe you could observe how they act around them and try to pick up some ''tips'' on how to talk to them.

    when you are in school do you sit beside a paticurlar girl or have alot of classes with a girl that you like?

    if you do you should try talking to her, maybe start by saying hi and then move on from that talk more about maybe your classes, maybe some project that might be going on.

    If you wanted to go out with a girl for A drink or to a movie or something and you are not sure how she would react to the invitation,like it just being the two of you might intimidate her, so ask her out in a group,like for example if you are going out with a friends somewhere just casually ask in a conversation ''oh what are you up to tonight'' and if she says ''nothing'' that would be a great time to ask would she like to join you and friends for a drink...

    Feel free to post back if you want to ask anything...

    Tamsynn

     
    Old 09-23-2005, 12:23 PM   #3
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    this type of topic has been coming up too much lately..what the heck is going on here....

    anyway, when i was in undergrad i was going through the same crap too.. its like you start talking to them in class or the gym or wherever but then what next?? its weird because its like you have to start all over again whenever you see them; girls aren't the friendliest, ya' know.. . you could be locked up in a room with a girl for hours and if you don't start a conversation, there will be no dialogue between the two of you. girls would only talk to me if they wanted my homework...

    what i've tried a few times is to just approach girls, any girl anywhere and just start talking. don't focus on getting her number or taking it further. just focus on HER, right there in the moment. if you do this enough it will become comfortable after a while and it will build confidence and communication skills. if you do this enough, coming up with things to say will be easier(which is the no. 1 reason guys are scared to talk to girls, NOT FEAR OF REJECTION!!). i've found that most hot chicks, if not all, will talk to you. most are so concerned with what people think that they wouldn't be mean to you.

     
    Old 09-23-2005, 08:40 PM   #4
    dedication_pos
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tamsynn
    Hi,

    firstly you have to remember that being ''friends'' with a woman does not give you the right to expect a romantic relationship because in my experience when i have gotten close to a man and he then tells me he would like ''more'' than that i have mostly always had to say no because when i get close to a man in a friendship way i would not want to jeopridise that by trying a relationship that might not work out and then i risk loosing a friend..i think that sounded a bit confusing but do you know what i mean?

    you should try to be at ease with women , act confident (not too confident as that is a turn off) and try to listen to them when they speak to you,cos' women love to talk!

    do you have many male friends? if you do im sure some of them have girlfriends or just friends who are women and maybe you could observe how they act around them and try to pick up some ''tips'' on how to talk to them.

    when you are in school do you sit beside a paticurlar girl or have alot of classes with a girl that you like?

    if you do you should try talking to her, maybe start by saying hi and then move on from that talk more about maybe your classes, maybe some project that might be going on.

    If you wanted to go out with a girl for A drink or to a movie or something and you are not sure how she would react to the invitation,like it just being the two of you might intimidate her, so ask her out in a group,like for example if you are going out with a friends somewhere just casually ask in a conversation ''oh what are you up to tonight'' and if she says ''nothing'' that would be a great time to ask would she like to join you and friends for a drink...

    Feel free to post back if you want to ask anything...

    Tamsynn
    I realize that just being friends with a woman won't get me a g/f. I don't expect that, although I hope for something to spark up as I gain more friends who are women. After all isn't your romantic partner your best friend?

    I'm usually at ease with most women whom I do not have a crush on or whom I've never really thought about or saw before. If I start to have a crush on them, it becomes harder for me to communicate, but I can easily do the "hi, how are you" given the right situation. I work on campus and I am always communicating with women, and have a really easy time doing so (co-workers, other students), but it's the workplace and I can't really do much else than do my job, lol. Well I'll occassionally bring up convos like "how do you like that class," or make a remark on how they always come to my work or whatever.

    I have a lot of male friends, and some of them have had g/f's, and I've asked them for help, but I haven't really gotten anywhere with that yet.

    I normally sit in the back of class in most of my classes. There is this one class where I regret sitting in the back because there are many girls sitting in the middle area that I could sit at, but we're already 4 weeks into school and everyone has already found their spot in class. And I have a couple friends I sit with, so I feel like I'm obligated to sit with them.

    right now I do not know if there are any girls that I have a crush on. There are two girls that I find attractive and wouldn't mind talking to, but I don't have much of a clue on how to find the right opportunity and how to initiate and keep a conversation going with them.

    My biggest problem is just progressively talking to women. I can say the "hi, how are you," but what else? Even if I mentioned "how is your project going" I wouldn't know what else to say other than stuff about the project given the situation if she gave explicit details about her project. If she said "good" then went quiet, I'd be in trouble. lol

    DEGEN95:

    - I've tried not focusing on getting their number, but I still don't get anywhere. I just know how to initiate, but not continue conversations and friendships. Even with girls that I've talked to before, I have problems just keeping in touch with them.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 02:58 AM   #5
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    I agree with Tamsynn on going out in a group setting. Maybe it is hard for you to talk to a girl in the classroom setting. So, instead of trying to have a conversation with her there, try just asking her out, and have your conversation with her when you are out, in a more relaxed, social setting. Maybe the words and topics will come to mind easier in a different setting. If you see a girl you've talked to before, try asking her what she does for fun. See what she says, maybe mention that you and some friends are going out on such and such date, ask her if she would like to join you. See what she says. If she sounds open to the idea, tell her she's welcome to bring some of her friends, too; the more the merrier. If you tell her where you're going and when, and she shows up, obviously she's interested, and that would be the perfect opportunity to get her number. If she doesn't show, maybe that means she's not interested. But don't let that make you feel awkward when you see her next. Maybe she IS interested, but just couldn't make it that particular time. Go ahead and still say hi when you see her, don't act like it bothers you that she didn't show. This could be an opportunity for you to just make a new friend. Or, she might say she couldn't make it, and suggest going out some other time.

    Also, here's another tip to meeting people. When you do go out, (I don't know if you go to the bar for fun, or what), but don't be afraid to talk to someone you don't know. Strike up a conversation, say hi to someone, maybe you'll meet someone worthwhile when you're already out. If you do go to the bar for fun, you should know, it is much easier to talk to someone after a couple of drinks. Just don't get blitzed and act like an idiot, or so drunk that you are spitting and slurring your words. You also don't have to act cool. Just be nice and sincere - girls will go for that. And try not to have expectations of getting a phone number; just carry on and let what happens happen. If nothing happens, so what? You are still out and having fun, right?

    By the way, I'm 25. Seems like we're in the same age group, so I hope this helps. Please reply if you want.

    Ashley
    (nevermind my user id! I'm not a fat chick who never gets a date!)

    P.S. on what you said about talking about a project: if she just says good, tell her something about your project and ask her if she has had the same experience. Such as: "I'm having a hard time finding information for mine, how about you?" Or, "do you know anything about this topic?" Maybe it will lead into a study date where you are looking for information together at the library, or working on your projects together.

    Last edited by FatLegs; 09-26-2005 at 03:04 AM.

     
    Old 10-09-2005, 01:13 AM   #6
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by FatLegs
    I agree with Tamsynn on going out in a group setting. Maybe it is hard for you to talk to a girl in the classroom setting. So, instead of trying to have a conversation with her there, try just asking her out, and have your conversation with her when you are out, in a more relaxed, social setting. Maybe the words and topics will come to mind easier in a different setting. If you see a girl you've talked to before, try asking her what she does for fun. See what she says, maybe mention that you and some friends are going out on such and such date, ask her if she would like to join you. See what she says. If she sounds open to the idea, tell her she's welcome to bring some of her friends, too; the more the merrier. If you tell her where you're going and when, and she shows up, obviously she's interested, and that would be the perfect opportunity to get her number. If she doesn't show, maybe that means she's not interested. But don't let that make you feel awkward when you see her next. Maybe she IS interested, but just couldn't make it that particular time. Go ahead and still say hi when you see her, don't act like it bothers you that she didn't show. This could be an opportunity for you to just make a new friend. Or, she might say she couldn't make it, and suggest going out some other time.

    Also, here's another tip to meeting people. When you do go out, (I don't know if you go to the bar for fun, or what), but don't be afraid to talk to someone you don't know. Strike up a conversation, say hi to someone, maybe you'll meet someone worthwhile when you're already out. If you do go to the bar for fun, you should know, it is much easier to talk to someone after a couple of drinks. Just don't get blitzed and act like an idiot, or so drunk that you are spitting and slurring your words. You also don't have to act cool. Just be nice and sincere - girls will go for that. And try not to have expectations of getting a phone number; just carry on and let what happens happen. If nothing happens, so what? You are still out and having fun, right?

    By the way, I'm 25. Seems like we're in the same age group, so I hope this helps. Please reply if you want.

    Ashley
    (nevermind my user id! I'm not a fat chick who never gets a date!)

    P.S. on what you said about talking about a project: if she just says good, tell her something about your project and ask her if she has had the same experience. Such as: "I'm having a hard time finding information for mine, how about you?" Or, "do you know anything about this topic?" Maybe it will lead into a study date where you are looking for information together at the library, or working on your projects together.
    lately I've had a hard time just talking to girls in my class. I'll usually analyze the situations and not take any action. I am afraid to say hi to certain women because I've never really said hi to them much. I also feel afraid to even ask a girl to hang out outside of class because I feel awkward just asking that out of nowhere. Maybe if I had a conversation going and it went good, I'd be more comfortable, but I've yet to really have that happen.

    I don't really go out much for some reason. I'm always at home doing hw, playing guitar, or sitting here on the computer. When I do go out, it's usually window shopping, playing basketball, or hanging with friend.

     
    Old 10-09-2005, 02:22 PM   #7
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Hey there

    First of all, in order to be able to talk to someone and get a good comfortable conversation going you need to be comfortable with yourself. You've meantioned that you're at ease with women that you're not interested in and then you get tongue tie and stupid when it comes to women that you find attractive. I understand what you're saying. It's bc you're overthinking things with the girls you like. You care about what they think and you're afrraid to say/do something stupid. On the other hand, girls you're not intersted in you are very comfortable around and I'm sure it shows. I'm sure you can have a very interesting conversation with them and it comes very easily.

    Well did you ever think of maybe getting close (friend wise) with the girls you're not interested in? (baby steps right?) Once you become more comfortable being around women then you're probably get to a point where you're comfortable being around and talking to women that you do have a crush on. And these girls will definitely have other girl friends that you can get to know and talk to. The more girls you talk to the easier and more natural it will become. Trust me, the last thing a girl wants to do is be around a person and have "fake/forced" conversation.

    I understand it must be very tough for you to just appraoch a girl out of the blue and ask her out. If someone were to do that to me, I would be a little stand-offish and likely (definitely) turn down the invitation.

    I've made a few good guy friends becuase we've worked on projects together, started studying together, helped eachother out on homework, etc. These things are school related but here's a good chance to bring the school stuff out of the classroom and into the library, your house, here house, school student center etc. Talk to the girl as if you're friends (don't be uncomfortable bc we can smell it and then it makes us uncomfortable too). Maybe if you guys have been working for a while, suggest going to grab something to eat (notice, not a date just "I'm hungry, wanna grab a burger?"). Then after a while just say, "hey, what are you doing tommorrow? Me and my friends are going .... wanna come?"

    Whatever you do be it studying with her, eating lunch, going for drinks...YOU NEED TO BE COMFORATBLE WITH YOURSELF AND BE NATURAL!! If I start to get the feeling that a guy is uncomfortable around me or trying way too hard, I start to feel uncomfortable. The conversation becomes forced and almost to the point where it "weather talk". Then, yeah I likely wouldn't want talk to him or be around him in a social setting.

     
    Old 10-10-2005, 10:53 PM   #8
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by terry2006
    Hey there

    First of all, in order to be able to talk to someone and get a good comfortable conversation going you need to be comfortable with yourself. You've meantioned that you're at ease with women that you're not interested in and then you get tongue tie and stupid when it comes to women that you find attractive. I understand what you're saying. It's bc you're overthinking things with the girls you like. You care about what they think and you're afrraid to say/do something stupid. On the other hand, girls you're not intersted in you are very comfortable around and I'm sure it shows. I'm sure you can have a very interesting conversation with them and it comes very easily.

    Well did you ever think of maybe getting close (friend wise) with the girls you're not interested in? (baby steps right?) Once you become more comfortable being around women then you're probably get to a point where you're comfortable being around and talking to women that you do have a crush on. And these girls will definitely have other girl friends that you can get to know and talk to. The more girls you talk to the easier and more natural it will become. Trust me, the last thing a girl wants to do is be around a person and have "fake/forced" conversation.

    I understand it must be very tough for you to just appraoch a girl out of the blue and ask her out. If someone were to do that to me, I would be a little stand-offish and likely (definitely) turn down the invitation.

    I've made a few good guy friends becuase we've worked on projects together, started studying together, helped eachother out on homework, etc. These things are school related but here's a good chance to bring the school stuff out of the classroom and into the library, your house, here house, school student center etc. Talk to the girl as if you're friends (don't be uncomfortable bc we can smell it and then it makes us uncomfortable too). Maybe if you guys have been working for a while, suggest going to grab something to eat (notice, not a date just "I'm hungry, wanna grab a burger?"). Then after a while just say, "hey, what are you doing tommorrow? Me and my friends are going .... wanna come?"

    Whatever you do be it studying with her, eating lunch, going for drinks...YOU NEED TO BE COMFORATBLE WITH YOURSELF AND BE NATURAL!! If I start to get the feeling that a guy is uncomfortable around me or trying way too hard, I start to feel uncomfortable. The conversation becomes forced and almost to the point where it "weather talk". Then, yeah I likely wouldn't want talk to him or be around him in a social setting.
    well right now I'm having a problem in all areas of my relationships, so I don't know what to say or do.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 05:57 AM   #9
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    you know what i've realised though... trying to convert a friendship into more really takes it's toll on the girls. because no doubt a heap of other guys will try it too... keep your friends as friends and meet girls for relationships anotehr way. don't do the friends- girlfriend conversion

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 12:26 PM   #10
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    I agree Mada, friends should be friends. If I initially met a guy and it was on friendship terms, I'd likely never want to date him (too weired). There have been a few times where I was under the impression that a guy and I were friends and then he tries to "come on" to me. That just makes me feel uncomfortable and there have been a few guys that I stopped hanging out with becuase of that.

    What I'm trying to suggest to dedication is to just get him used to being around girls overall. I'm not suggesting that he weasel his way into a girls life and hopefully convert a friendship into something more. Rather, I figure if he can get comfortable just being around girls (talking, hanging out etc), eventually it will get easier and easier to talk to a girl that he does likes. And hopefully he'll be comfortable enough that he when he does meet a girl that he likes he could strike up a conversation with her more easily and hopefuly be able to pursue a relationship bc he's not so nervous about being around a girl.

    But I agree I would be very difficult to break the "friend barrier" and I wouldn't suggest it.

     
    Old 10-11-2005, 09:17 PM   #11
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by terry2006

    What I'm trying to suggest to dedication is to just get him used to being around girls overall. I'm not suggesting that he weasel his way into a girls life and hopefully convert a friendship into something more. Rather, I figure if he can get comfortable just being around girls (talking, hanging out etc), eventually it will get easier and easier to talk to a girl that he does likes. And hopefully he'll be comfortable enough that he when he does meet a girl that he likes he could strike up a conversation with her more easily and hopefuly be able to pursue a relationship bc he's not so nervous about being around a girl.
    agreed 100%

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 07:54 AM   #12
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    if the friendship route doesn't work, then what does? I've tried striking up convos, getting numbers, asking to go hang out, but I've never gotten anywhere for the past 7 years.

    But yeah, I have a hard time getting out of my implicit norm of not hanging out with girls. I'd like to hang out with some women that I talk to on campus, but it's like we're so used to not talking outside of school that it's taking a toll on me. How can I break this barrier?

     
    Old 10-14-2005, 02:19 AM   #13
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dedication_pos
    if the friendship route doesn't work, then what does? I've tried striking up convos, getting numbers, asking to go hang out, but I've never gotten anywhere for the past 7 years.

    But yeah, I have a hard time getting out of my implicit norm of not hanging out with girls. I'd like to hang out with some women that I talk to on campus, but it's like we're so used to not talking outside of school that it's taking a toll on me. How can I break this barrier?
    get numbers, call them up, ask them on dates, talk to them, treat them as interesting human beings (which they are) and be yourself... you might "get somewhere"...

     
    Old 10-14-2005, 02:50 AM   #14
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dedication_pos
    My biggest problem is just progressively talking to women. I can say the "hi, how are you," but what else? Even if I mentioned "how is your project going" I wouldn't know what else to say other than stuff about the project given the situation if she gave explicit details about her project. If she said "good" then went quiet, I'd be in trouble. lol
    The BEST way to talk to a girl, is not to do the whole ''how are you?" type crap. Instead, try making a comment about something, ANYTHING and then leaving it at that. ie comment on something in the room thats going on; the lecture, the professor, whatever.

    This way, you'll give her room and won't come off as desperate.

    As a chick, most of the guys I've enjoyed talking to are the ones who don't give me a line but just talk and then don't follow up with 'so, do you have a boyfriend'

    When you're a girl it gets REALLY tiring that every time a guy talks to you he has an ulterior motive.

    Have no other motive than to speak - let her follow up.

     
    Old 10-14-2005, 05:34 PM   #15
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    Re: How do I start and build relationships with women?

    and ask open ended questions... not something that can be put into one word answers

    instead of asking "how's your project going" ask something like "what's your opinion on the theory of evolution being taught in school" that way she'll give you more than a one word answer... listen to her answer and go from there. e.g. if she says that evolution shouldn't be taught, ask her why? i.e. is it because of her religious beliefs... ask her if she'd prefer the "creationism" theory to be taught instead... or as well... that's only one example... or instead of asking "what do you want to be when you leave school" which is an obvious question, and probably has a well composed automatic answer, ask "why do you take xxx class"... it'll probably lead to what she wants to do later in life, but will also open up for other avenues of discussion. another great thing is to ask her (and her group of friends) for their opinion on a relationship thing... i.e. do you girls think it's wrong to date a good friends ex. find something that'll fire up conversation, and you won't have to work hard to keep it going. saves the 20 question routine

    don't just agree with her either. you don't have to be identicle twins for her to like you, and a well conducted debate fires up some passion. don't disagree for the sake of disagreement though, just say what you honestly believe.

    Last edited by mada_3083; 10-14-2005 at 05:40 PM.

     
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