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    Old 09-24-2005, 10:23 PM   #1
    endymion_
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    Unhappy gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    well, recently (today actually) my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone. We have been dating for over 2 years and just a couple weeks ago she went on a cruise with her mom and sister. I protested, and told her not to go because its supposed to be a romantic thing between couples. She wasn't have any part of my agrument and so i buckled down to accept she was going. I took her to the airport, she told me she loved me and i told her that i loved her. about a week into her vacation she stopped talking to me all together. we talked the night before and she was picking out matching shirts for us, and i sent her money via ebt to pay for them. she then told me she would call me the next day and i planned for it. She then never called so i called her, and she didn't answer. I then called her over and over again, but to no avail. I then finally got the idea to call her sister, and sure enough i get a phone call from my gf soon after. She says that i was never trying to call her and i got mad and told her that i left about 20 messages. she then told me that she was breaking up with me. I felt crushed as if i had just been stepped on. I don't know what to do now, but she said she will talk to me when she gets back in two days. It turns out she met somebody on the boat, and they well kissed. of course that just ripped my world in two but what could i do. I felt that i was losing something so precious to me, and didn't know to what. She told me i was too controlling. Of course, she was just looking for a way to get out. i can't go into the details of what she said because that would be another 2 to 3 pages. anywho, i feel like i have been crushed by a semi truck, i have already threw up once and i can't eat anything or stop my hand from shaking. I convinced her to let me pick her up from the airport, but she said that it wouldn't change anything. I don't want our relationship to end. I was just planning to propose to her, and i wanted to do it on a cruise, specifically one to hawaii which is why i protested. please, i really need some insight to my situation, comments, ...anything will do. simply saying to move on isn't an answer i really want to here but i know some of you are thinking it, please help will be nice thank you

     
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    Old 09-24-2005, 10:40 PM   #2
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    First off...How old are you? Because if your young, you shouldn't be thinking about marriage yet. YOu should look forward to spending time with other people, and expect to be in at least 2-3 more serious relationships before marriage comes in to the picture. Either way, I think you should move on. She probably has a lot of love for you, but she obviously is ready to move on, especialy if she's smoochin' with another guy. Its just her way of expressing that she wants to be with other people. She might feel like she is missing out on other experiences. Have you ever considered an open relationship with her? I know it isn't easy to deal with your gf dating other people, but maybe she'll realize that she wasn't missing out on anything, and that you r the one for her. You sound like a nice guy...Maybe too nice. Give her some space, and time. Hold your head up and don't let this situation bring you down. There are many women in the world that I'm sure would love to be with you. Life is too short to be unhappy. Go out and have fun. HAng out with friends, anything that will take your mind off of her. I hope this helped a little. I know it is not what you wanted to hear. Love hurts. Move on. Goodluck.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 10:49 PM   #3
    stacykgb20
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a painful ordeal...I know how hurtful and devestating it is when someone you love and want to spend your future with ends your relationship unexpectedly. However, since you asked for honest feedback, I must say that reading your post, my first thought was, wow, he sounds really controlling, and I'm not surprised she broke things off. To try to prevent her from taking a vacation with her family strikes me as way over the top, as is calling her twenty times in one day, and from what you've shared already, I can definitely understand why she thinks you're trying to control her much more than she's comfortable with (particularly if you also try to prevent her from doing other things she enjoys without you). I think that in order for a relationship to work in the future, either with her or with another woman, you are going to need to learn to back off, not just allow but encourage her to have a life outside of your relationship, stop trying to tell her what to do and control her, and back off in terms of putting less pressure on her and being less intense and overbearing toward her.

    It sounds like you're both pretty young and this is your first serious relationship, am I right about that? I know you don't want to hear this, but you can't make someone want to be with you if they no longer want to continue the relationship. For a healthy, happy relationship to prosper, both partners must be equally enthusiastic and committed to being together. I really don't mean to be harsh, but if you want to save this relatoinship (which unfortunately doesn't sound too likely), you are going to need to make some serious changes in your attitude and behavior. Her saying you are too controlling isn't just an excuse to get out of the relationship, it's genuinely the way she feels, and sounds like it might be pretty accurate. I don't mean to be too blunt here, but doing more of the same in terms of smothering her by calling all the time, trying to be with her all the time, telling her what she can and can't do, etc. is only going to drive her further away. She is not at all attracted to that kind of overbearing and controlling behavior, and even though I can understand the tendency to act that way toward someone you love, particularly if you lack a lot of relationship experience, it's usually toxic to at relationship. The tighter you hold onto someone you love, the more likely they are to squirm away. People and relationships need time apart, space to breathe, and freedom to enjoy life as an individual and develop into independent adults. Smothering her and controlling her will backfire; if you are to have a chance of resurrecting your relationship, you basically need to act exactly the opposite of the way you've been acting. Give her time on her own to think, space to consider whether she really wants to be alone, and hopefully that will give her an opportunity to miss you and appreciate you. The more you are in her face and pressuring her to be with you and do what you want, the more she'll be turned off and want to run in the opposite direction. I've had a number of exes act like you are when they sense me withdrawing...they responded by trying to keep a tighter reign on me, restricting my freedom, and clinging to me as closely as possible, all of which only drove me further away, often into the arms of another man who was refreshingly independent, self-sufficient and not at all demanding or needy. Anyway, I think you should try to respect her decision and do exactly the opposite of anything that she could interpret as controlling...that's your best shot at changing her mind, but to be honest, I think you also need to prepare for the possibility that she will be firm in her decision to leave you. Though you don't feel the same way and don't want to end the relationship, there's unfortunately nothing you can do about it if that's what she chooses, as you can't force someone to want to be with you if they don't feel that way voluntarily. I hope things work out for the best and that you learn some valuable love lessons from this experience no matter what--take care and good luck! And remember that everything has a way of turning out for the best and working out in the end, no matter how painful the path may be along the way.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 11:09 PM   #4
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    i know i can't force her to be with me, but ever since i met her i knew she was the one for me. This is totally an unexpected situation, i didn't believe i was smothering her, because she does exactly the same to me. I can't even visit my family without her calling every hour or so asking when i am coming home. I know i might have been too controlling at times and i have taken into account that i might be putting too much pressure. I never wanted to see her leave me, and up until a little while ago, until she met the latest fling, she was telling me the same. I don't know what happened but she hasn't even had the decency to tell me to my face and it had to been done over the phone. I was planning to pick her up from the airport in a couple days but it turns out she called her friend to pick her up. Her friend doesn't want to see us break up either, and i have lots of sympathy coming to our realtionship. Hopefully, what is said is true and that she just needed a breather. I plan to set up our realtionship a little better if she does give me another chance. Maybe we can start at the beginning as if its a first date again. i am hoping to show her that i will do anything to save our relationship, because theres a reason that she didn't tell me before she left. i know she still has something for me but that she has been away so long that it has given her plenty of time to think. Hopefully i can win her back, because despite what she does on the ship, i still love her. I am planning on asking her for a week at least to try to show her that i will be better for her, but i don't know exactly what i can do. I know she wanted to go see a musical that we could never find time for, but i think i need something better. Anyway, i want to sit here typing because the more i do nothing the more i think about it and the more it hurts, i haven't been able to eat a single thing all day. I plan to make it where i give her plenty of space, like if she is feeling to "squeezed" then i will go away simple as that or if she wants to go hang out with friends than thats fine too. I am willing to learn to keep us toghether but if after the time is up and she still feels the same then i have no choice but to let her go, but i don't want to go without a fight. how can you break up with someone over the phone, whom thought their world was fine a few mins earlier and expect them not to ask some questions or even try to keep it together without going crazy. please write me something, i don't care what and i thank everyone for all the responses so far, especially for a womens opinion. I am a nice guy, i have been told that way too many times, but the last thing i wanted was to be part of a reltionship to end like this over the phone. i feel so paethetic and that my time has been a waste, i just want some justification for this. i was so excited about picking her up in a couple days and she doesn't even give me the that, she doesn't want me to see her anymore and to see me anymore, she told me to drop off her keys at her place and not to see her again. yes, i am young, university student senior, and no she isn't the first relationship i ever had but the one that actually mattered. my friend wants me to go hang out with him now and to hear me whine like a baby (what a friend), and i want to read all the responses when i get back, please don't hesitate.

    btw the i overexxagerated on the 20 messages thing. i only left 4 of the course of the four days, which still may be a lot but a lot less than 20 still.

    Last edited by endymion_; 09-24-2005 at 11:22 PM.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 11:19 PM   #5
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Sorry about your recent break-up with your GF ... & I really feel for you, cause I have recently just broken up w/. my GF too ...

    I just wanna tell you that, you said you felt you have lost something very precious to you ... I strongly disagree. If I have read your thread correctly, you actually sent some $$$ to your GF to pay for her dress ... that's after she met & kissed someone on a cruise ship ... no.1) if she had any kind of decency, she would never accept anymore of your $$$ ... no.2) the way that she ignored your calls show how immature she's, & more irresponsible she is ...

    3) you should feel real lucky that you have lost such a bad quality attachment. You sound young, just look forward to what's ahead of you. Neve look back if it only hurts you more ! Take care.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 11:25 PM   #6
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Gundam
    Sorry about your recent break-up with your GF ... & I really feel for you, cause I have recently just broken up w/. my GF too ...

    I just wanna tell you that, you said you felt you have lost something very precious to you ... I strongly disagree. If I have read your thread correctly, you actually sent some $$$ to your GF to pay for her dress ... that's after she met & kissed someone on a cruise ship ... no.1) if she had any kind of decency, she would never accept anymore of your $$$ ... no.2) the way that she ignored your calls show how immature she's, & more irresponsible she is ...

    3) you should feel real lucky that you have lost such a bad quality attachment. You sound young, just look forward to what's ahead of you. Neve look back if it only hurts you more ! Take care.

    thanks man, i don't think she was actually doing anything when i was talking to her, and wasn't thinking this until after i had already sent her money maybe a couple days. i did need to hear from someone though that she was a bad attachement, it makes me feel a little better, although considering we have classes toghether for this upcoming year isn't going to make it any easier.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 11:53 PM   #7
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Hi there,

    I'm not sure I agree with Gundam about the money and her not returning your calls right away...after all, you did send money before she made up her mind to end things and on cruises people are often busy and not around to answer their phones much of the time. I could see if she never got back to you, but anyway, I don't really think that's the issue, and I definitely agree with Gundam on his main point: if she doesn't want to be with you any longer, then she is definitely a bad choice for you, and you can do a LOT better. Any woman who doesn't wholeheartedly adore you, appreciate you, and cherish your relationship isn't a good catch. So please hang in there and trust that no matter what happens, it will be for the best. You're going to learn some important lessons from this situation and will become a much more understanding and mature partner regardless of how it turns out. If your girlfriend isn't willing to work things out and if she doesn't appreciate how lucky she is to have you make such an effort to improve and salvage your relationship, then you're better off without her, and if she does, then your relationship will be stronger and healthier than ever. All you can do is try your hardest to be a good boyfriend, give her space, and trust that if she's the right girl for you, she'll come back to you with open arms. If she doesn't, then you'll be a lot happier with someone else someday, and I know it won't be long before you find another woman who does cherish everything you do for her and all the love you show her. I'm just a little older than you and recently lost a guy I'd lived with for over three years...I really loved him but in retrospect, other than the external factors like my chronic illness and some of his family members, it was being too close and not having enough freedom and independence separate from each other that killed our love. It sounds like you and your girlfriend might also be smothering each other, and I hope you are able to give each other more space in time to save your relationship, unlike what happened to mine (though I know deep down he wasn't the right guy anyway). Whatever happens, you will be okay, so just try to be patient, keep busy, and do the best you can to show her you love her and will do whatever is necessary to make the relationship work as long as she's willing. I wish you the best of luck...please keep us updated!

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 01:01 AM   #8
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stacykgb20
    Hi there,
    ... Whatever happens, you will be okay, so just try to be patient, keep busy, and do the best you can to show her you love her and will do whatever is necessary to make the relationship work as long as she's willing. I wish you the best of luck...please keep us updated!
    i can promise on that, i don't pick her up until monday morning so i am going to have to wait a bit and she said we will talk when she gets back because she doesn't want to deal with this while shes on vacation, stupid boy never learns does he? *hits self with ignorance stick*

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 10:55 AM   #9
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    To be honest, I think it was pretty selfish of you to tell her you didn't want her to go on the cruise with her family. That does sound a little bit controlling - as if you don't want her to have any fun if it doesn't include you. Why couldn't you tell her that you hoped she had a blast, lived it up, and you'd see her when she got back? That way she would have gone with a light heart, probably thinking about how sweet her boyfriend is. Instead you try to stop her from having an awesome experience...I'm sure that left a really, really bad taste in her mouth.

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 12:03 PM   #10
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Why exactly did you ask her not to go? Do you trust her? You said the cruise was a romantic couple type of vacation. Did you think that she might cheat on you? You had to of known she would go regardless of your pleas. I have trust issues with my bf, especially when he goes on vacation with his boys. He tells me he won't cheat but no matter what, the idea of him hooking up with someone else lingers in the back of my mind. If trust is the issue, then maybe she isn't the right one for you.
    Personally, her not answering her phone for four days sounds sketchy. I wouldn't trust her. IF she really loves you as much as you thought then i think she would of expressed to you how she felt before deciding to break up. She would of answered the phone on the first day you called, told you she felt smothered, and asked you not to call for a couple of days. To me (no offense) i think she is bored with the relationship. Why is it that these days everyone seems to be looking to upgrade? Either try to spice things up, or move on. Once again...Have you considered an open relationship with her?

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 02:41 PM   #11
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    this is tricky, but i almost wonder if this was plotted. ususally it takes some issues adding up to make one break up. and if you just sent her money for a couple of shirts then what is her deal? she should feel bad about cheating. Maybe over bad.

    I can see where the controlling statment fits though about not wanting her to go. but she was with her mom and sister, come one. I think she could have been more mature and adult and end it when she gets home not while shes on some ship. She may get home and want to be back with you, you never know. And if that is the case what will you do then?

    The calling thing I dont find as an issue, my fiance and i call one another a few times a day when one of us goes out of town without the other. It feels good hearing his voice and vise versa.

    Im thinking there is more behind this breakup overall. hopefully she comes clean on a few things when she gets home for your sake. goodluck.

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 07:58 PM   #12
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    to Gypsy

    i know i sound controlling, maybe i was a little, maybe i deserve it a little, but the method was rotten nonetheless. it was a mistake and if i could spin the world back in time i would. live and learn.

    to Piranna65

    yeah, exactly how we were doing prior to the four days, we were calling each other saying hi and i love and miss you and it was all good. we call each other just to hear each other.

    UPDATE: well the girl is coming back tomorrow, i asked again if i could pick her up and she said that she was afraid i would do something stupid, like not pay attention to driving which i guess doesn't sound that too far of a possibility. i am planning a big suprise for her, and we talked on the phone as if nothing was wrong but she still was with her decision, although she seemed to waiver, hopefully this is just a little of built of rage and eventually she will see past it back to me. Do i still love her? of course, with all my heart, without forgiveness, i would be nothing but an animal, being able to forgive is what makes me human. i hope she can see the same light.

    yes, i did admit to being a little controlling, but these were not well-planned feelings. of course, deep down, i wanted her to have a blast as always, but the thing about her is that shes been pratically everywhere with her family in this world. One day she told me she had never been on a cruise and to hawaii, obviously, this was a light-bulb moment for me. i wanted to take her, and when i took her, ...well, i planned to propose (yes i said that right). I had been saving for little over a year, and then all of a sudden her mom buys tickets, and orders her to go. keep in mind we are both 23 years old and know of attachements to family but someday a little independence will be nice. she willingly accepts, this destroyed me to hear this, i even offered to buy the ticket off her mom...maybe i should have known better. I don't want this to ruin us forever, just this one incident. We have gotten past bad times in the past, hopefully we can again, i know whatever happens will be for the best, but i can still dream and give it one last shot. btw, she didn't sleep with the guy on the boat, shes not that kind of person, she kissed him which i would consider bad but of one thing i know she is honest with me, i have heard some harsh things in the past, but its better to be out with it then keep it in.

    Last edited by endymion_; 09-25-2005 at 08:07 PM.

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 09:44 PM   #13
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Good luck, just be prepared and careful with your heart, OK? It's better to keep your expectations realistic and even low so you'll be surprised if things go well than to expect your ideal outcome and risk being deeply disappointed. One thing that strikes my mind thinking over this is how I felt when I went away on a cruise without my last boyfriend. Our relationship was still pretty new, but he couldn't have been more supportive or encouraging, and every day I was away from him, I fell more and more deeply in love with him. By the time I got home any possible doubts I'd had were gone and we both just knew we needed to be together. So I really wouldn't blame the cruise...if all was well in general, being on a romantic trip would only make her miss you and treasure you more. I remember experiencing this with past boyfriends with whom things were less rosy, but nonetheless, I missed them greatly while away on a romantic vacation without them. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I think you should be prepared for the likelihood that she has firmly made up her mind and won't be reconsidering her decision to break it off. It sounds like she was leaning that way and the trip may have given her the time and space she needed to make a definite decision about which way she wanted to go, which would explain why she avoided calling you. I really don't mean to be negative here, but I did think it might help if I shared my experiences being on her side of things with you so you can try to keep your expectations realistic. When a relationship is solid and promising, absense during a romantic trip usually makes the heart go fonder...I'm worried for you that she seemed to move in the opposite direction. I really really hope everything works out for the best, but I'm not super confident that what's best for you will involve this girl.

    My advice is to assume the worst case scenario, that she sticks to her decision, because at this point unfortunately I'd guess that's more likely than her changing her mind, and preparing for the worst will leave you room to be pleasantly surprised if she turns around and realizes she made a mistake. It will also allow you to cope and accept her decision with more composure, dignity, and preparedness if she refuses to change her mind. I'm really sorry you're going through this; I can imagine how painful and stressful and confusing it must be for you. As hard as this may be to face, everything will turn out for the best in the long run. If she decides to end things for good, it will be horrible for awhile, but ultimately you will be better off knowing now that she's not committed to the relationship and being freed now (rather than prolonging your attachment and thus misery if things were to stretch on then end later) to heal, move on, and find a woman who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. You deserve nothing less than a woman who loves and wants you to the same degree you love and want her, and please don't forget or compromise that...if you have to beg a woman to stay with you even though she doesn't really want to, then she's obviously not the right woman for you. So please realize that this is out of your hands to some degree and that her decision will ultimately be for the best...you can only show her you love her and are willing to make changes and hope she feels the same way. And if not, you will get over this, you will move on, and you will find love again that will make you happier than you can imagine possible at this point. Good luck and hang in there!

     
    Old 09-25-2005, 11:18 PM   #14
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    yes, thank you for your kind words, and even those realistic ones. This isn't the first time our relationship has taken a wrong turn but we always manage to get around it. I talked to her again, and she seems to have taken a much softer tone with me than before, no yelling, no insulting, just hello and good night, nothing over the top either. She told me she would call me right when she gets back to our city area.

    Although, this is the first time in our relationship that it hurt this much because usually when it gets this bad we are both pretty angry for something. it's amazing what we do for love isn't it?

    Truthfully, when we first met i didn't even notice her. I was actually trying to get a relationship from another girl which i had known for several years, whom we had become very good friends. my current ex...gf had recently met me and i didn't think anything too extravagant until one day she was eating dinner with me and i left our group (on campus everyone usually eats in groups, etc) to go eat with the girl i had been friends with for several years. i told them bye and left them as they left to head out. The word quickly spread what i was trying to get with her (aka holla-which means to try and get with a girl [dont ask me i didn't know the term either]) well, she being totally confused by the term went around and asked every single person. obviously, she had something for me, and my friend soon informed me of what was in front of me. We soon got talking and, well...the rest is history, we haven't been apart since, when we do seperate we call each other non-stop with lovey words, or just to hear each other. If she was away and she couldn't sleep she would call me in the middle of the night to just talk her to sleep. i don't know how things went so bad from there, we know everything about each other, past, present, hidden little secrets not even parents friends, or family know...everything. we never hid anything from anyone. *sigh* well, despite knowing that i shouldn't hope for the best, all i have is hope. i wish the best to everyone in their lives and when i see someone in heartbreak at least i can walk up and say "i've been there" and try to help. i will give some more updates as things progress, thanks everyone for listening to this blithering fool.

    ~endy

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 03:52 AM   #15
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    Re: gf dumped me on hawaii cruise

    Maybe picking her up isnt the smartest idea. Im thinking she'd call you once she gets home. Why not let her find her own way home then speak to her later? If she isnt sounding to keen on the idea maybe you shouldnt?

    I would have gone if I was her too, I would have been hesitant about leaving my boyfriend behind though. I actually would have done anything possible to get him to come. Just because she's been everywhere with her family is no excuse really. You gotta take advantage of that stuff when you can.

    I wouldnt tell her what plans you had. You can always plan a different cruise somewhere else if things change. But do not completely excuse her cheating behaviour. I'd let her know it upsets you of course but dont let her think its "okay" otherwise she may get back with you and this could become a bad habit!

    Good luck today since I know she's coming home, keep us posted!

     
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