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    Old 09-26-2005, 08:07 AM   #1
    cinting
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    Will I ever breathe again?

    Hey guys, it's me again. I think I have sunk back down again. I can't breathe, I am panicky, losing my sanity with sorrow. I saw my ex Saturday night at the store, I was so tore up I couldn't hardly talk, and then I couldn't find my way out of the store. And then I called him that night. I love him so much, this is killing me, very slowly, but I feel as though I am dying. I don't enjoy anything anymore, it is a real effort just to get up in the morning.

    We talked for over 2 hrs, and I know that there will never be another soul that I will connect with the way we connected. I asked him if there was ever a chance for us, and he said no, that he would never take me back. I don't think he loves me anymore. He said he had took all his feelings, put them in a bottle, and hid them away. He said there was 3 months of his life that he doesn't remember and he doesn't want to talk about, think about, or be around anything that reminds him of those 3 mths and the pain. Oh God, what have I done? He told me that the more he does think about things the more he understands why I broke up with him, that I should have, and he deserved it, but if I would have took 6-8 mths, thought about things and analyzed my feelings for him, whether we got back together or not, I would be ok, and there would have been peace with what happened between us instead of the torment we have both been through. He told me that I needed to put this behind me and start healing, he says he has had months of different emotions and now he is healing. I told him that he was the lucky one, and maybe the reason he has been able to heal is because what I did to him wasn't as bad as what he did, that I actually have permament damage. He told me he knew and he couldn't tell me how sorry he is for that, but I need to stop beating myself up, that I am not a bad person, he said that God doesn't make junk. He told me that if we were a match and meant to be together that the things that happened wouldn't have happened, that we are from 2 different ends of the spectrum. When we were together, he always said how connected we were, how we were two peas in a pod, I am the only person that has ever understood him, etc.... I asked him why he didn't love me unconditionally when we were together, and he said he did love me unconditionally, he just didn't love me blindly. He looked at my past, what happened in the present, and he predicted what I would do in the future. He says I am dangerous, and why would he take the chance on going through that pain again. But he said that if God wants us to be together, then we will be together. Why did this happen, why did I do what I did, what have I destroyed?

    Last edited by cinting; 09-26-2005 at 08:10 AM.

     
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    Old 09-26-2005, 09:13 AM   #2
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Cinting - I'm glad to hear from you and to know you're still hanging in there with us, but I'm sad to hear you're feeling so low. I wish there was something else i could do besides just type words into a computer to help take the pain away. But I'll do what I can.

    Sweetie, I hope one day soon you will come to understand that you didn't do anything. You are fine just the way you are, so please stope torturing yourself. I can only hope time will help heal what you're going through, because I know my words won't really do it. Just know that I'm here for you. I've been there too, and I just hope that you can pick yourself up enough to get busy with moving on with your life. Time can heal, but time alone won't do it. You have to use your time to fill up your life with things you enjoy and things you can be proud of, and then one day this whole period of your life will get smaller and smaller.

    Have you thought about talking to someone? A counselor or someone? just to get it all out and get an educated, objective perspective? Maybe that might give some relief.

    I just hope you can cling to the knowledge that you two just weren't right for each other and one day you will meet the one who is, and then you'll be glad to be free and not tied down to this guy who really didn't do much but make you feel bad about yourself.

    Lots of cyper((((HUGS)))) and good thoughts going your way today. Keep us posted, ok?

    Last edited by Hiya; 09-26-2005 at 09:22 AM.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 01:38 PM   #3
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Cinting, are you still in seeing your therapist? Hon, I know you hurt but you are on a self destructive path and you need to stop blaming yourself. Nothing you can do or say will bring that man back to you, but I think you realize this already. The grieving process is normal, but you have to grieve for the loss and not hold out hopes of fixing things. He has told you now point blank there is no hope, so the only thing you can do to save your sanity is, let go and let out all the pent up emotions. You'll start to heal, you'll start to live and yes, you will even start to breathe again!!

    Sorry if this sounds so harsh, but I just think you are still beating yourself up way too much over a man who is not worth it! He is still playing head games with you.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 01:38 PM   #4
    cinting
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Cinting - I'm glad to hear from you and to know you're still hanging in there with us, but I'm sad to hear you're feeling so low. I wish there was something else i could do besides just type words into a computer to help take the pain away. But I'll do what I can.
    You have done more than you probably know. Thanks!!


    Quote:
    Have you thought about talking to someone? A counselor or someone? just to get it all out and get an educated, objective perspective? Maybe that might give some relief.
    I have a counselor I have seen once, and I have an appointment in the morning. But I don't really know what to say to her, except I am driving myself crazy over something that I did.

    Quote:
    Lots of cyper((((HUGS)))) and good thoughts going your way today. Keep us posted, ok?
    Lots of HUGS back to you.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 01:52 PM   #5
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cinting
    I have a counselor I have seen once, and I have an appointment in the morning. But I don't really know what to say to her, except I am driving myself crazy over something that I did.
    Just tell her the truth. Tell her the chronology of events that happened in the relationship and what led to the break up, and how you feel about it now. What he said to you the other day, and how that makes you feel. How did the first session go? Usually the first session is a lot of just information taking, not really getting into any nitty gritty of the problem. Try at least one more session, be honest and open, and see how that goes. But remember, therapy is a process. you will likely feel a little worse before you feel a little better. Sort of like redecorating a room. It's going to be a bit of a mess while you strip off the wallpaper and tear up the carpet and pull down the drapes, but that's just part of the process, so be prepared for that.

    All I can really say is that i really know how you feel. I still deal every day with feelings of frustration and guilt. If only I hadn't said this, if only I had explained myself better about that, or if only I hadn't gotten so mad at the other think, if only I'd done things better or differently, I'd be happily married with a couple of beautiful babies, a loving, wonderful husband, a nice warm home, holidays and birthdays in the warmth of my own family, someone to curl up with at night, someone to share my life with, companionship, regular sex, love, life that actually means something, rather than just work, lean cuisine, tv, cold empty bed, and lots of tears. It's really hard not to blame myself, but then sometimes I remember that even though I was a jerk a lot of the time back then, that's just who I was. I wasn't a bad person at all. I was just in a difficult place in life for many reasons, and stressed out, and just in a rush for my life to get to where I wanted it to be, and impatient. But I did the very best I could with what I had to work with at the time. Any my "ex" certainly didn't cut me much slack. My snow-white pristine purity was what first attracted him to me, but then getting frustrated at my inexperience, he said "I wish you had dated 10 guys before you met me." I guess he was in a hurry, too, and I wasn't worth the wait and the time and patience. After all, he did marry someone who already had 12 years plus experience with marriage, kids, cooking, keeping house, dealing with a man's ego, sex and all it entails, and everything else. I know how hard it can be to feel like you messed up your whole life and you'll never be able to fix it. But I truly believe you can. You really can be happy, and I think you will be happy again. you are so much younger than me, you have so much more to look forward to still. Everyone's allowed to make mistakes, to have a learning curve, that's what life is all about. Some of us are lucky to learn easier and faster, and some of us have to get a few hard knocks before we learn our lessons, but as long as we keep our hearts open and do our very best to live by our integrity, even if we slip sometimes, we know we are a work in progress, and no one has the right to expect us to be perfect, because no one is, not my ex, and certainly not your pious, self-rightious ex, either.

    You will get through this. Job one is learning to forgive yourself. That's where I'd start with your counselor tomorrow. Hang tough. Good luck, and tell us how it went, ok?

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 03:03 PM   #6
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    I'm sorry Citing that you're still hurting so much over this mentally ill individual. You didn't do anything to "destroy" it; he is simply manipulating you and wants you to feel as bad as low as possible. He derives some kind of a sick feeling of power from this. Why are you wasting your time and precious energy talking to him for two hours? He enjoys making you feel bad. You didn't do anything terrible at all. One thing he's right about is that he deserved you breaking up with him in the first place. It's none of his business that you were dating someone after the break-up!!! It makes me so angry that you are in so much pain over this horrible guy and I hope one day soon you will be able to see through his disgusting game. We can all see it clearly so please, at least for now, take our word for it. Don't have ANY contact with him and no lengthy conversations. See, his goal is not so much to get you out of his life but to torture you emotionally and make you feel low and miserable. He enjoys this that's why he is willing to talk to you for hours. Don't give him anymore satisfaction and if you happen to run into him again and he starts the same blaming game, just agree with him. Say "yes, you're right, we were not meant to be and we don't belong together. Good luck, bye." Do you think he would be happy to hear that? NO. because his power would be taken away, but that's exactly what you need to do, for your own sanity.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 06:30 PM   #7
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Just wanted to say it does get better, I swear it does. I remember falling apart in the grocery store one day when I looked at the chocolate chip cookies. Hit me out of nowhere--and it wasn't a few tears!! Went into full on, butt ugly cry. I was so embarrased that I too couldnt find my way out of the store!!

    Now, I am fine. Better than I was in that relationship for sure. The day will come, I promise. Try to get to that Dr.s appt, I did that oo. Try to get out and have some fun with some friends--that helped more!! I didn't want to at first either, but it worked, BIGTIME!!

    You don't deserve any of this, and the WHY will drive you nuts. WHY?? Cuz he has a freaking problem, and you're too good for him. Exercising and taking care of youself helps too. Do whatever you can to feed your soul right now. I got lots of teas, books, a therapist, tanned, got my hair colored, worked out, and started doing only what I wanted to do. It helps. A hot guy helps too--but I got hurt again too and it was no fun back to back--but it still helped. SHallow sounding, but it does work for getting your mind off the guy. Just do what works for you, and hang in there. HUGS to you.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 11:16 AM   #8
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Hey guys, how is everyones day? I went to my appt this morning, sorta nervous at first, but I really like my counselor and I feel like I can talk to her. The first time I met with her it was more of getting information and filling out paperwork, I did a couple questionnaires, basics of everything. She had told me that according to my answers that I felt like I was a bad person, and we needed to work on my self-esteem, becoming less depressed, not blaming myself, and grief work.

    This morning she started asking more questions, and I told her more about the relationship, things that started in the beginning. She asked me if anyone had ever said to me the word 'brainwashed', I guess she thinks that is some of what has happened to me. She said the way my ex was with me was not normal, actually she called it bizarre when I told her some of the things he had said to me or did. When I told her what line of work he does, she told me that just like anyone who does a job, they are skilled at what they do, and he has skills that he used with me. Skills that should have only been for his job, not our relationship. I had told him that so many times because I always felt like that contributed. She told me that a mature, secure person would not treat me that way, and even though people can change, it's usually not likely. She said it was probably not likely he would find anyone to meet up to his standards, that she had never met anyone who didn't have a past or mistakes they regretted. I told her alot of things he did and said and she says she wants to work with me to challenge me to make me see how wrong he was, that she could tell by my answers that he had changed my thinking process and beliefs. I had said something that she really caught on, that maybe I thought I deserved it, I really listened to him, I thought he was wise and intelligent, a good, moral person, with good character and here I was, flawed, not good enough for him, someone he couldn't be with. I told her that because of the way I handled the breakup, we now can't work things out and be together, nor do I have peace with the situation (according to him), so she asked if I had began dating someone else before I broke it off, and I told her no, that it was weeks later, and she just said "What was wrong with that?"

    Thanks again to all my friends here who are helping me. Your'e the best!!

    Last edited by cinting; 09-27-2005 at 11:23 AM.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 03:23 PM   #9
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cinting
    him, I thought he was wise and intelligent, a good, moral person, with good character and here I was, flawed, not good enough for him, someone he couldn't be with. I told her that because of the way I handled the breakup, we now can't work things out and be together, nor do I have peace with the situation (according to him), so she asked if I had began dating someone else before I broke it off, and I told her no, that it was weeks later, and she just said "What was wrong with that?"

    Thanks again to all my friends here who are helping me. Your'e the best!!

    Hey cinting, good to hear from you! Sounds like you have a good therapist, and sounds like she's keyed into some major issues surrounding your break up and this guy in general, and has a good handle on the situation. Keep up the good work. I sure hope you'll be feeling better soon. We're here for you, too!

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 05:23 PM   #10
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Cinting, I'm glad to hear that you found such a good therapist. I echo Hiya's sentiments!

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 07:30 AM   #11
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    I do really like my therapist, she seems to be very down to earth and easy to talk to. She seems to think that I will be feeling better in 4-5 wks, but I don't know, it has been 6 months that I have been feeling this way.

    Question for everyone? My ex has told me that he has changed and knows what he did wrong and understands why I broke up with him. While talking to him the other night, he said again that everything he had ever said to me was "socially and biblically correct, but he was wrong to use it against me as a weapon". He also said that we were "from two different ends of the spectrum". Based on my past and present, he predicted what would happen in the future and why would he want to take the chance of getting hurt again and going through what he went through for those 3 months, now he is in survival mode more or less. My question is if he has really had a change of heart, would he still say things like this to me? Does he still think he was right to use things against me? He had told me once that what he did was the "wrong execution of the right idea". Any thoughts guys?

    Last edited by cinting; 09-28-2005 at 07:32 AM.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 07:54 AM   #12
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cinting
    I do really like my therapist, she seems to be very down to earth and easy to talk to. She seems to think that I will be feeling better in 4-5 wks, but I don't know, it has been 6 months that I have been feeling this way.

    Question for everyone? My ex has told me that he has changed and knows what he did wrong and understands why I broke up with him. While talking to him the other night, he said again that everything he had ever said to me was "socially and biblically correct, but he was wrong to use it against me as a weapon". He also said that we were "from two different ends of the spectrum". Based on my past and present, he predicted what would happen in the future and why would he want to take the chance of getting hurt again and going through what he went through for those 3 months, now he is in survival mode more or less. My question is if he has really had a change of heart, would he still say things like this to me? Does he still think he was right to use things against me? He had told me once that what he did was the "wrong execution of the right idea". Any thoughts guys?
    Well, first of all, I know everything he said to you was in fact NOT socially "correct," and I think we could even debate how biblically "correct" it was. He was judgmental, intolerent and cruel and self righteous, and I don't think Jesus represented any of that.

    No, it doesn't sound to me like he's had any true change of heart, because he's still saying he was right. I think he's trying to be "nice" by saying he could have said it more diplomatically, but he still is standing by everything he said and did. I love the Lord, but really detest people who use His name to hurt and cause pain and grief to other people. To me, that's the most reprehensible thing one human can do to another.

    Survival mode?? To put it as simply as possible, he's a big weanie! He passed judgment on you, held you up to an impossible standard, held your past against you, basically made it clear you were not "marriage material" and he didn't want to have a child with you. What else were you supposed to do? You took him at his word and tried your best to move on. You realized how much you loved him, he told you he loved you, so you tried it again, then pulled this "but you were with someone else" card baloney. If he had really wanted you in the first place, he never would have let you go to begin with. I know it still really hurts to hear, but this man will never love you the way you want and deserve to be loved. He's either full of crap or sick in the head. Either way, you can do much better.

    Keep working with your therapist, she sounds like she can help you get on the right track. And do your best to keep busy and I still suggest breaking off any and all contact with this toxic ex. You need to heal, and continuing to talk to him and rehashing all these old issues is like ripping the scab off a wound. It will never heal if you keep doing it. Concentrate on you. Keep in touch.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 08:06 AM   #13
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    Well, first of all, I know everything he said to you was in fact NOT socially "correct," and I think we could even debate how biblically "correct" it was. He was judgmental, intolerent and cruel and self righteous, and I don't think Jesus represented any of that.

    No, it doesn't sound to me like he's had any true change of heart, because he's still saying he was right. I think he's trying to be "nice" by saying he could have said it more diplomatically, but he still is standing by everything he said and did. I love the Lord, but really detest people who use His name to hurt and cause pain and grief to other people. To me, that's the most reprehensible thing one human can do to another.

    Survival mode?? To put it as simply as possible, he's a big weanie! He passed judgment on you, held you up to an impossible standard, held your past against you, basically made it clear you were not "marriage material" and he didn't want to have a child with you. What else were you supposed to do? You took him at his word and tried your best to move on. You realized how much you loved him, he told you he loved you, so you tried it again, then pulled this "but you were with someone else" card baloney. If he had really wanted you in the first place, he never would have let you go to begin with. I know it still really hurts to hear, but this man will never love you the way you want and deserve to be loved. He's either full of crap or sick in the head. Either way, you can do much better.

    Keep working with your therapist, she sounds like she can help you get on the right track. And do your best to keep busy and I still suggest breaking off any and all contact with this toxic ex. You need to heal, and continuing to talk to him and rehashing all these old issues is like ripping the scab off a wound. It will never heal if you keep doing it. Concentrate on you. Keep in touch.
    I agree with every word Hiya said. This guy is emotionally abusive, manipulative, and "sick in the head," for lack of a better diagnosis right now. It would be beneficial for you to stop all contact with him and especially rehashing all these ridiculous self-righteous crap over and over again. If a man even used the phrase "biblically correct" with me, I'd be out of there. Who does he think he is? Tell him to join a monastery and stop bothering you with his deranged preachings. You will never regain your sanity if you keep in contact with this guy. Good luck.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 09:45 AM   #14
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    I also agree with the girls above! He preaches his crap to you because he realizes you are the only one who might buy it. That is where your therapist got the "brainwashing" from. He uses it as a form of control.

    No one else around will buy into his baloney.

    Change your phone number and don't contact him anymore, Cinting! Stay strong, dear girl!

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 10:25 AM   #15
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    Re: Will I ever breathe again?

    Thanks guys for replying. My counselor told me that she could tell that my belief system had changed, she thinks that I need to get back to the way I thought and believed about things before because it was a more healthy, normal way to view things. I believe he is right though. I really love this man, I wanted him to accept me so bad and love me unconditionally, and it didn't just bother me and hurt me when he made me feel like he couldn't be with me, it scared me. I thought, well if he feels this way, then there is going to be someone else who will also. Would I ever be accepted, was I really damaged by my "history of bad decision making"? I think in part the main reason why I did become involved with someone after I broke it off was because I wanted to see, and when I did tell the guy I dated everything and how my ex reacted to those things, he was amazed, and didn't feel the same at all. That made me feel better, I don't know, maybe that's what I was looking for. Probably the wrong way to go about it, should have looked for that within myself I guess. I had told her some things my sister has said to me, and at one point I almost think she got upset because she said she was trying to maintain, that she wanted to be like my sister and she couldn't, she's my therapist. She did tell me that his behavior was ridiculous and not normal and no mature man would ever act like that, and as a result there has been major destruction done to me.

    Again, you guys are great! I love ya!!

    Last edited by cinting; 09-28-2005 at 10:28 AM.

     
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