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    Old 09-27-2005, 05:44 PM   #1
    Guy133
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    She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years, and been living together for 2 months. She wants to get married badly. I'm in no hurry. This is causing huge friction. She has days where she gets all depressed about it and starts fights.

    Is there any hope for us?

    I feel like I can't marry her until she relaxes about marriage, and I can feel more certain that her feelings of insecurity won't stay even if we get married.

     
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    Old 09-27-2005, 06:01 PM   #2
    Hangin in There
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    I read some of your past threads about problems with her. She sounds controlling and unstable.

    I would JUST SAY NO!

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 07:09 PM   #3
    greeneyes100
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hangin in There
    I read some of your past threads about problems with her. She sounds controlling and unstable.

    I would JUST SAY NO!
    Ditto! Sounds like she is more interested in marriage than you. Don't fall for it.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 09:06 PM   #4
    SophiaM
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Well, I don't remember the whole story; how old the two of you are, how long together, etc. but if your gf is in her late 20s to 30s, I can understand her feeling somewhat urgent about marriage. Women's options for finding a husband and being able to have healthy kids decrease as we get older and that's just the reality of it. Of course, there are always exceptions, but no one can deny that, in general, a woman in her mid or late 20s has a better chance of finding a man interested in marrying her than a woman in her late 30s or 40s, regardless of how attractive she is. So, it all depends, but if you don't see yourself ever marrying your girlfriend, you should break up with her as soon as possible so she can still be young enough to find and marry a guy who truly wants her and to have children if she so desires. There are plenty of men who do want to have a wife and family, so just because you're in no hurry doesn't mean that someone else wouldn't be happy to make her his wife. No wonder she gets depressed. I truly apologize if I made any wrong assumptions here and if your gf is in fact unstable, or if you've only been dating for a couple of months and she's already pressuring you heavily. I'm just saying that in general, most women who have never been married and have been in a decent relationship with a man they love would like to marry that man. It's a compliment to the man, actually, unless the woman is really so desperate that she would be willing to marry anything that walks. Hope this helps a litte.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 10:58 PM   #5
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Well, I don't remember the whole story; how old the two of you are, how long together, etc. but if your gf is in her late 20s to 30s, I can understand her feeling somewhat urgent about marriage. Women's options for finding a husband and being able to have healthy kids decrease as we get older and that's just the reality of it. Of course, there are always exceptions, but no one can deny that, in general, a woman in her mid or late 20s has a better chance of finding a man interested in marrying her than a woman in her late 30s or 40s, regardless of how attractive she is. So, it all depends, but if you don't see yourself ever marrying your girlfriend, you should break up with her as soon as possible so she can still be young enough to find and marry a guy who truly wants her and to have children if she so desires. There are plenty of men who do want to have a wife and family, so just because you're in no hurry doesn't mean that someone else wouldn't be happy to make her his wife. No wonder she gets depressed. I truly apologize if I made any wrong assumptions here and if your gf is in fact unstable, or if you've only been dating for a couple of months and she's already pressuring you heavily. I'm just saying that in general, most women who have never been married and have been in a decent relationship with a man they love would like to marry that man. It's a compliment to the man, actually, unless the woman is really so desperate that she would be willing to marry anything that walks. Hope this helps a litte.
    I agree! Again, I haven't read your previous posts, but from experience I know that the poster can sometimes create a bad picture of their mate on here. Me being in my late 20's, if I were dating a guy for 1.5 years and he still didn't show signs of it being serious, I'd walk! I've been with my bf for about 9 months. He's 5 years younger, so I can understand him as well, but if in another year there will be no signs of him wanting to make me his, I will have to look elsewhere. It's the call of nature!

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 08:52 AM   #6
    Guy133
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    My girlfriend is 33 and I'm 32. She has a 10-year-old child from a previous relationship. She actually isn't particularly interested in having more children. She says she'd "do it for me."

    Anyway, it just sucks that we are in love, and I'm happy the way we are, but she wants to get married, so that causes unhappiness in her.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 09:16 AM   #7
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Your girlfriend is the same age as I am, so I can tell you that it's not at all surprising that she wants to get married, even if she isn't sure about having more children. And now, of course, after "playing house" for a couple of months, her desire to get married got even stronger. It's like having a carrot dangling in your face but not being allowed to touch it. If you say you're in love and your relationship is good, I don't understand how the thought of marriage has never crossed your mind after dating for 1.5 yrs? I mean, what is your goal in dating then? To me, dating is a process to find that one person who can hopefully become my life partner, so if the other person just wants to date for the sake of dating without any potential for a future together, I don't see a point in it. Dating is not the same as being married to someone; you can date tons of people, but unless you're a hollywood star, most people only marry one or two partners in their lifetime. The implication is that you marry only that special someone whom you cannot imagine yourself living without, so I guess your gf must interpret your reluctance as not being "good enough" or "special enough" for you to make her your wife and that makes her feel down. I think it's unfair to keep her in a going-nowhere relationship if marriage is important to her. I think after 2 years of dating you should know. If you still don't know in the next several months, you will probably never know. If you keep dating her for a few more years and then break up, she will be in her late 30s and back into square one. I don't envy her position, while you as a guy in his late 30s will still have lots of options.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 09-28-2005 at 09:23 AM.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 09:58 AM   #8
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    You can't force a marriage. If she is not willing to just settle down and let things happen naturally without fit throwing and pouting, what does that say about her? Are you going to let her manipulate you into buying the ring and setting the date?

    After the marriage, are you going to get upset and cry if she says no to having your baby? How would she feel if you started pouting and trying to manipulate her into having one?

    Marriage has to be entered into willingly by both people and not just in a rush because of ones age. Divorce doesn't CARE how old you are. If one partner isn't ready, if they are rushed, resentment could build and pretty soon no one is happy.

    I personally would shy away from anyone who thought only of themselves.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 11:13 AM   #9
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibeeshell
    You can't force a marriage. If she is not willing to just settle down and let things happen naturally without fit throwing and pouting, what does that say about her? Are you going to let her manipulate you into buying the ring and setting the date?

    After the marriage, are you going to get upset and cry if she says no to having your baby? How would she feel if you started pouting and trying to manipulate her into having one?

    Marriage has to be entered into willingly by both people and not just in a rush because of ones age. Divorce doesn't CARE how old you are. If one partner isn't ready, if they are rushed, resentment could build and pretty soon no one is happy.

    I personally would shy away from anyone who thought only of themselves.
    Well, sure, nobody should force anybody into marriage, but realistically speaking, how long is it appropriate to wait if the other partner is not bringing up marriage in a natural way and the relationship is not moving forward? I myself dated and lived with someone for over 4 years; wasn't pushing him in any way, was giving him all the time in the world to decide and he wasn't deciding! Why should a woman who's been dating a guy for a reasonable amount of time and wants to marry him just passively wait and wait and wait? I regret dating my ex for as long as I did instead of just breaking it off when it was obvious it's a lost cause and giving my love and commitment to a man who was going to appreciate it. What if the guy is still happy the way things are six or eight years later? There has to be some reasonable time limit, I think. Do you know how painful it is to see women who are much younger and only dated their boyfriends for a year or less and they're already engaged--someone loved them enough to want to marry them while your bf is not in a rush whatsoever? To have most of your friends married while you're forever stuck in the dating scene? I know it's not good to marry the wrong person only for the sake of being married, but surely it's understandable that this woman is not too happy with her bf's reluctance to make it official. Does she at least have a rough idea when he'll be ready?

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 11:50 AM   #10
    Guy133
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    I have no idea when I'll be ready.

    I'm pretty sure that the right thing to do is end the relationship, because we seem to be on different time tables.

    But it sure doesn't seem right to break up with somebody who you still love and like being with. Aren't you supposed to hate somebody to break up with them? She doesn't take breakups well. I learned that the few times we almost did break up, before she ever moved in.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 12:00 PM   #11
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Well, if it feels "right" and you are happy living together, then you don't have to break up. But keep in mind that she will never be satisfied with "just living together," and that sooner or later you will have to make some kind of a decision. Is it that you just don't see yourself married to this particular woman, or do you think she might be the right woman but you need a bit more time? There's a huge difference between the two. If you feel like you would like to marry her in the future but need more time, then tell her that. If you're sure she's not the one you want to marry, why prolong the agony? Everyone hates breakups but it will be all the more painful after an even longer time and emotional investment.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 04:17 PM   #12
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Well you can't keep living with her in the same situation because she isn't happy and you know she will be unhappy with the break up. The only thing that WILL make her happy is to make YOURSELF unhappy and propose, right? Get what I am saying?

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 05:48 PM   #13
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    I agree with Sophia, but I disagree with you ibeeshell. I think that it depends on if you want to marry her but you are just not ready to you are not wanting to marry her at all. I do not think that a breakup would be good. Not if you love her, but sit her down and talk to her. Tell her, I want to marry you, but I am just not ready yet. If you do not want to marry her ever, then you should not keep pulling her along. I would hate to have that happen to me.
    I know my sweetie loves me, and I know that when he is ready we will set a date, I am completely satisfied on how things are going, and sometimes yes I do think about how nice it would be to finally get married, but if he is not ready I am not going to force him, as I would hate to be forced too.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 08:03 PM   #14
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Why are you not sure when you would want to get married? ?? I could understand a guy that was maybe in his early 20's saying that, but you are fast approaching mid 30's and still not sure when you would want to get married? Are you a possible commitmentphobe/ confused guy? or are you still in the process of getting your life together, carreer/finance wise? It seems your gf has a valid point... she is in her mid 30's and most people by then are married and you two have been together for 2 years already... What your gf is asking from you is not something that should be considered inappropriate/ desperate/ stalker- like... it is a process that has for her culminated in wanting to go to the next step and nothing more... get over yourself I say... sorry if that sounds harsh but I really dislike it when guys get full of themselves in these situations...

     
    Old 09-29-2005, 09:16 AM   #15
    Guy133
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    Re: She's desperate for marriage - I'm not

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by angel_light
    Tell her, I want to marry you, but I am just not ready yet.

    I've done that. Then it turns into "why - don't you love me enough?"

     
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