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  • I don't trust my friend's boyfriend...neither does she

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    Old 10-01-2005, 03:27 PM   #1
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    I don't trust my friend's boyfriend...neither does she

    I am very worried about my friend...I am not sure where to post this because there are so many boards. I also posted at the depression board, because that is partly what I'm worried about for her (she has depression). I decided to try posting here also, because I am not getting responses over there so maybe it is more of a relationship issue than a depression issue?

    Just a bit of background (that is relative to what has happened)... when my friend...I will call her Jill...was younger she was repeatedly raped by her older brother for a year years, along with her sisters. Jill was like 7. She has had therapy, and her brother is in jail (or maybe he is out now? Not sure...doesn't matter). She hasn't had sex sense, and she even got into a very close relationship with a guy for almost a year that came close, but he was careful with what she had gone though. She has told me many times that it was important for her to wait until she was married or with a guy that she was pretty sure she was going to marry. She has had a lot of issues with depression in the past (understandably), and really had some close calls for killing herself during high school. She has been doing better for the last couple of years (still takes pills, but not seeing a therapist anymore).

    So...she told me today that this guy she has only been seeing for 1 month, she had sex with a little over a week ago. On their 4th 'date,' she said it just happened. I know for certain it wasn't rape, because I asked her outright. Part of me believes it was mental rape though...she has told him about her past, and her hopes. She told him that she is a virgin (yes, even though not physically), and it was very important for her to wait. Just knowing Jill, I know it would be easy for a guy to get her to let in, because of some of her issues she has 'attention issues.' I mean, she has said that she feels the need to have a guy to be whole, and that is somewhat normal for a lot of girls but not to that extent. She knows that. Her first boyfriend was truly wonderful, because he knew how much it would hurt her if they did it.

    I am just really concerned for her...and I don't trust this guy. She TOLD ME she doesn't trust this guy. He told her like their 3 date that he loved her, and now that they have had sex he tells her often how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She has told him that he doesn't really love her, because they havenít known each other that long. She has told him that she likes him, but not loves him.

    Shoot, another thing is he is from another country (not saying where though...because it isn't important and if it is true I don't want to cause trouble in here in case someone in here knows about this and is from the other side)...and Jill told me this story that he is a refuge and he was part of a political thing to set up a democracy in this country like the United States. He and a few others were told they had 6 hours to leave the country otherwise they would be killed, and he was smuggled out of there and brought to the U.S. His plan is to get a good education, and go back over there to continue to work to put some order back into the country. He has told her that he can't have kids or a wife over there, because they would be targets. They would have to stay somewhere else...he said he is only going to be in his country for a few years until things get going and then he is going to leave. He and 'his people's' plan is him to become president of this country.

    So....I'm not sure if that story is believable. I have no reason to think it isn't. If it is true then, he could be fairly power hungry. If not...I don't know why he is lying to her, or he has a mental problem which is even scarier.

    So...she doesn't love him, she said she doesn't trust him... they have also had sex 5 times sense, and each time she hasn't totally enjoyed it. She said she doesn't want to anymore, but now he expects it. She said it would be hard not to have sex anymore (because she does enjoy it). I don't think she wants to end the relationship (or she doesn't know herself I guess), but she is also not sure if she wants it to slow down or stay where it is at. She wants to have it slow down, but she doesn't know if it can. anyway. We talked for a good 45 minutes, and I told her that I will support her in whatever way possible. I was blunt though, and I told her I didn't trust him because he knew about what has happened to her and he let it happen anyways. Part of me believes that it was planned. Maybe he needs a wife or something to get a green card (I've heard of that before in movies anyway lol). So, she knows that I will be with her, and if this relationship is going to work out I will be happy. One thing I specifically told her is "I want to say I am happy for you, but I first want to know if you are happy. I can't be happy for you if you aren't happy." She didnít' know what to say to that. I told her she doesn't have to continue having sex now that she started.

    She has talked to the school nurse (who I am sure doesn't know about her situation). She knows that what she did should not be something she should be ashamed of (and I also don't believe she should be ashamed, because it happens). She has also talked to one other friend, and also a professor she trusts...but I'm also not sure if this professor knows about her past.

    I am just worried about her...for her safety. I don't know if this guy is reminds me of some kind of horror movie where he will butcher her up or something (lol...there goes my overactive imagination). I am also extremely worried about her mental health. Something like this could very quickly send her over the edge.

    I am not sure what to do now. I want her to know that I will support whatever happens, and no matter what happens I will be her friend. I don't want her to feel like I think she HAS to get out of the relationship, because I'm afraid she will turn away from me (and us as her friends, because Iím sure her other friend she told is worried about the same thing).

    I'm sorry if my views about this guy seems prejudice, and I am fairly certain (I can't say 100% because I havenít been there) that I would have the same feelings towards a guy in the U.S. that did this to her. I was just looking through, and I didn't want to offend anyone that thought the reason I was so untrusting was because he is black. I have international friends, and I just want you to know that, that is not the case.

    Lastly, I am so sorry that there are so many spelling errors and here and such. I am a college student, but I just want to get this posted and see what I should do.

    So...please HELP!

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    Old 10-01-2005, 03:47 PM   #2
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    Re: I don't trust my friend's boyfriend...neither does she

    Wow. This is a tough spot. Because of her past, she is most liekly in a very fragile emotional state. To be honest with you, I would be very VERY suspicious of someone who claims to be an exhiled political refugee preparing to take over the presidency of a country, no matter whaot color he was! Just sounds far-fetched and even a bit ridiculous. What evidence do you have that he's telling the truth?

    Secondly, even if this guy totally on the level, I think it would still be a good idea for your friend to work with a counselor or therapist. I'm not sure why she was so sure she wanted to wait till marriage, then met this guy and just abandoned all her beliefs and started an intimate relationship with this guy she freely admits she doesn't even love. This seems to indicate some real confusion on her part, not really knowing what she wants or what she is doing. I'm worried of what might happen if she continues this relationship and it ends suddenly, perhaps under bad circumstances, and she's not prepared for the feelings she will experience.

    Old 10-01-2005, 04:50 PM   #3
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    Re: I don't trust my friend's boyfriend...neither does she

    I think your concerns for your friend are valid. I get a funny feeling about this guy too, from what you've said. You should always go with your gut instinct. It's usually right. I think your friend should get away from him because it's doubtful that she can slow it back down to not having sex, and she's not enjoying the sex because it's going against her previous convictions. He somehow talked her into it against her better judgement, probably by telling her he loved her. The fact that he's from another country makes me a little suspicious that he may try to get her to marry him so he can become a citizen. Please tell her not to do anything crazy!
    As far as helping her stay safe, maybe if she wants to see this guy again (and I strongly advise against it), she could tell you when she has a date and set up a time for you to call her, kinda like a well-being check. Or maybe you could drop by her house at a pre-arranged time

    Old 10-02-2005, 01:25 PM   #4
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    Re: I don't trust my friend's boyfriend...neither does she

    I have absolutely no evidenec that what he is saying is the truth...I really am not sure if I believe it either. It is hard to beleive, but I don't like calling someone a lier if I don't have proof.

    I agree that she needs to see a theapist...if not the one she was seeing before then at least the counselor here at school. I am so afraid that she is going to go over the edge

    Lastnight we went out as a group of friends to a bar. SOOO the jerk pulled the whole 'I don't want you going out with your friends' thing...what the heck!?!?!?

    So...there is a bit update to the story...

    So, there is this guy that Jill used to like, and he ended up comming with us also (her boyfriend was invited, but said he didn't want to go because he didn't feel comfortable)> So...he made her feel like complete crap. Told her it was over. Then...this morning he did exactly what I guessed he would (and I told her this).

    He made her feel like complete crap, and then he called back and apolgized in a way that made her feel like it was still her fault. Kind of tigthening the line. I am not sure what is she is doing yet? When he called she couldn't talk long because she had to go to play practice.


    Old 10-04-2005, 04:32 PM   #5
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    Re: I don't trust my friend's boyfriend...neither does she

    Well, they are still together ...

    So...yeah, I was right he did call and apoligise, and even though she isn't admitting it he made her feel guilty. So, they are together. But...get this. She said they are not going to have sex far, for the last couple of days they havn't (and she promised to really tell us if htey did). I guess he is being a bit pushy, but mostly keeping the bounderies.

    I'm not sure what else I should do? I made her promise to go talk to the guidance counselor here at school (who is very good). So, I think she will get some help that way. I was pretty blunt with her a few nights ago and told her I was worried about her regressing because she was doing so well before this. She said she had thought about that before too.

    So...what should I do. Part of me wants to try to give this guy another chance. There isn't much I can do anyway, and I kind of think if she can give him another chance I should also. So, would it be better for me to try to let my friend know that I am also giving him a chance, or ... I don't know.

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