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    Old 10-12-2005, 03:50 PM   #1
    Belledin
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    symptoms of commitment issues?

    I recently broke up with my on-again, off-again boyfriend of nearly two years. I recently started wondering if he had commitment issues. what are some of the specific things that you have seen men (or even women) do as a result of commitment-phobia?

     
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    Old 10-12-2005, 05:06 PM   #2
    greeneyes100
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin
    I recently broke up with my on-again, off-again boyfriend of nearly two years. I recently started wondering if he had commitment issues. what are some of the specific things that you have seen men (or even women) do as a result of commitment-phobia?
    Good for you! He definitely has commitment issues. He is what is called a "waffler". They want you, but they are always looking around the corner for something better. I dated a man exactly like that (on and off) for about two or three years. It was a heart wrenching affair. I never knew when, or if, I would hear from him again and then when I did, I would go running!

    Finally, the last time I saw him, all my feelings just magically disappeared and I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. If love never gets reciprocated, it dies. Well, good luck, and don't worry, there are plenty more where he came from!

     
    Old 10-12-2005, 05:20 PM   #3
    SophiaM
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    Well, even just the fact it's been "on again-off again" for the past two years could be a symptom of commitmentphobia. Men who have such problems cannot sustain a committed relationship for a prolonged period of time usually. Or some can but cannot ever get married. There are different degrees of it. But yes, someone who acts in unpredictable and inconsistent ways, breaking up with you for no good reason, then coming back, then breaking up with you again most likely has issues with commitment. More often than not, it's a waste of time to take them back more than once. I think almost everyone deserves a second chance but if they keep leaving you without a good reason, just because they get scared, chances are they will not be able to change, at least not on their own. My first boyfriend was/is like that. He is in his mid-40s now and still cannot make a commitment to anyone. My best advice would be to move on. Oh, and believe it or not, he still calls me sometimes and tells me he loves me and will marry me one day. I was 21 when I met him. I'm now 33. I just laugh at him and say "yeah, of course we'll get married one day." I almost feel sorry for the loser!

    Last edited by SophiaM; 10-12-2005 at 05:23 PM.

     
    Old 10-12-2005, 10:46 PM   #4
    Scarlet Harlot
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    I'm sorry to say it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. It's always hard to deal with men, I feel a great deal of them have commitment issues. Its like they think there maybe something else they could be missing out on, this is complete crap and women shouldn't put up with it. Now with that said, I do agree that everybody deserves a second chance, but a third and fourth gets to be too much. I know all of this is easier said than done, but I understand, like many others, where you are coming from.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 04:49 AM   #5
    millpark26
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    Once you keep "lowering the bar" of "acceptable behavior", you're in for trouble. It seems like he's learned that he can keep you dangling so that's what he's going to do. If you're looking for a "commitment" in a guy, then cut your losses with this one and move on.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 07:12 AM   #6
    greeneyes100
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by millpark26
    Once you keep "lowering the bar" of "acceptable behavior", you're in for trouble. It seems like he's learned that he can keep you dangling so that's what he's going to do. If you're looking for a "commitment" in a guy, then cut your losses with this one and move on.
    This advice really hits the nail on the head. That's what I did with the other guy and he knew he could get away with it, so he kept doing it. Just put your foot down and say no more! Get out there and date other men to get your mind off this jerk.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 02:32 PM   #7
    Belledin
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    Well, I really appreciate all your comments! Unfortunately I think you're coming down a little too hard on him. I've probably broken up with him as many times as he has with me. for some reason we have a VERY hard time dealing with the stuff that comes our way, and we both throw in the towel really easily (with each other--we've both had long term relationships with others). then, two weeks or a month later, we're back together with this intense connection. one month after that, we have a huge blowout and break up.

    the typical pattern is this--things are OK, then he starts acting "weird"--distant, strange, etc. then we have a "talk" or two, which don't really make me feel any better. then i have a few too many glasses of wine and we get into a screaming crying match where i'm complaining about stuff. then i feel better for having gotten it off my chest, but he withdraws even further. a few days after that, one of us says it's not working and break up. we've pretty much always been in agreement to break up. we really try to stay broken up--we've both dated other people casually. we just have such an incredible connection, and no self control, so we get back together. It's so Mr. Big and Carrie. maybe we BOTH have commitment issues. that's why i was asking for specific behaviors that are associated with commitment phobes.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 05:53 PM   #8
    greeneyes100
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    Re: symptoms of commitment issues?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin
    Well, I really appreciate all your comments! Unfortunately I think you're coming down a little too hard on him. I've probably broken up with him as many times as he has with me. for some reason we have a VERY hard time dealing with the stuff that comes our way, and we both throw in the towel really easily (with each other--we've both had long term relationships with others). then, two weeks or a month later, we're back together with this intense connection. one month after that, we have a huge blowout and break up.

    the typical pattern is this--things are OK, then he starts acting "weird"--distant, strange, etc. then we have a "talk" or two, which don't really make me feel any better. then i have a few too many glasses of wine and we get into a screaming crying match where i'm complaining about stuff. then i feel better for having gotten it off my chest, but he withdraws even further. a few days after that, one of us says it's not working and break up. we've pretty much always been in agreement to break up. we really try to stay broken up--we've both dated other people casually. we just have such an incredible connection, and no self control, so we get back together. It's so Mr. Big and Carrie. maybe we BOTH have commitment issues. that's why i was asking for specific behaviors that are associated with commitment phobes.
    I read your last post very carefully, and I think I might have an idea as to what may be going on. Sometimes, when two people are starting to feel more intimancy than they can handle, they will pull back from the relationship. It's a safety device to keep from being hurt. Everyone does it, both men and women.

    When your boyfriend starts to act distant, let him have that distance. Don't fight it. When he comes back and wants to get close again, don't complain, but be very nice. I read that men will pull away when they start feeling really close to someone and that it's very natural.

    However, this should only happen in the early stages of becoming intimate. If, after a commitment is made, this problem keeps arising, then I don't think you should waste your time. It sounds like you both do have a fear of intimacy and maybe that is the reason you are drawn to one another.

    How long have you been seeing this man? If things don't work out for the better after awhile, then I don't see a future for this relationship. If he keeps leaving and then wants to come back and you keep taking him back, then he knows he can get away with it. Give it one more try, but don't keep trying to do the same thing over and over and expect to get different results.

    Good luck!

     
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