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  • Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

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    Old 10-13-2005, 10:57 AM   #1
    juliansmama
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    Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    Hi everyone. I am new here and am having a hard time in my marriage. I have been married for almost a year and a half, and we have a 2 month old son. My husband is in the military, so we live far away from any family.
    Anyways, since we have been married, 5 times so far he has blown up at me (for seemingly minor annoyances) and said he wanted a divorce, should have never married me, etc.

    YESTERDAY was the worst of them all. We were driving along the highway, headed to the grocery store w/ our son in the backseat, and something was wrong w/ the car, so my husband pulled over to the side of the highway. I was kind of scared (and I do admit that I am a very anxious person, asking questions a lot, and sometimes they are unneccessary...I can be annoying at times, unknowingly at the time) and kept asking him "WHAT HAPPENED??? what's wrong???" and he BLEW UP! He said that i needed to "f'ing calm down!" and then he took the CD out of the CD player and threw it as hard as he could at my feet. THAT scared me, so i quieted down immediately. We continued our drive to the store, and my husband was still irritated and kept driving kind of erratically...not too bad, but kind of scary..he CAN be worse (he has bad road rage at times too!).. and i started crying (just upset that he was acting this way) and he looked at me and said "why are you crying??? i am NOT apoligizing this time...everytime i do, its to get you to shut up..and i don't really mean it.." and i said "you are being mean!!" and he mocked me and said "boo f'ing hoo"...at this point, i was really upset...and still crying, but trying to stop! we pulled up to the store and he stopped the car and he told me that i annoyed the #### out of him, always asked stupid questions, etc. I said "then why are you married to me?!?!" and he told me "I am going to FINALLY tell you the truth... i married you because i didn't want to come up here (to the military base across the country from anyone he knew) alone." he looked at me with the straightest face possible..and i was crushed. i was so upset..and he showed absolutely NO emotion. just looked at me dead on. he said that we are two different people, and i was NOT the kind of person he wanted to be with...that we have been together too long...shouldnt have gotten married or had a baby together...said i have NO common sense...am very smart otherwise, but lack common sense. he said that we are opposites..he is laid back and i am high strung..and said that he didn't want to do this, but, he wanted a divorce. he said that he will miss his baby boy (does really love him) but that we should move back home and that i could have the car. said he will move back home after he gets out of military so he could be near baby. he said i "stressed him out" and that if we divorced, the stress would "lift away" ...he basically just acted like i was NOTHING to him.
    this whole time, i was crying and he thought it was stupid..he said "why are you crying?? why do you care?? why do you love me?" cause i kept saying that i loved him and that i didnt want a divorce, and that i didnt think he meant it..he said he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it.
    let me remind you all, that he had done this 4 previous times before in our marriage...but this time was the worst..saying that for sure he wanted a divorce. i reacted the same way each time..crying, promising to change, etc. and each time after, he would apoligize eventually and say he didnt mean it, and things would go back to normal again. sure enough, this is what happened again!
    when we got home, he went straight into the other room and played on the computer for about 10 mins. THEN, he came into the living room where i was laying down on the couch, still crying a little bit, and he asked me what was wrong..then he held out his arms to me and pulled me in for a hug. i was flabbergasted at this point. he said that he was "just joking" and didnt mean any of it..was just upset and needed to cool down..and that he just said all that stuff to upset me/anger me because he was upset w/ me. he acted like everything should go back to normal. i was relieved that he didnt want a divorce, really, but was still very upset..and even more upset that he could just act like everything was back to normal again!! i kept pulling away from him and was still upset while he was trying to talk to me, and then he put his hands on my neck and pressed kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off my air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me..and he did this for maybe 5-10 secs, then released me. while he was doing this, he had a terrible mean look on his face....after he released me, he admitted to me that he thought he had a problem and needed help and that I should help him..he said he would rather not "see someone" about it, if possible, but i told him he should. he has been doing this "grabbing my neck" thing since the baby has been born..and does it sometimes "just in play" ..when we are just playing around w/ eachother..but other times he does it when hes angry, and it scares me.. he acts like he is very scared after he does it too.
    MY question is...WHAT should i do? i love this man and want to be w/ him forever!! we have a newborn son together!!
    WHY DO YOU THINK he is behaving this way?? saying these things to me?? do you think he REALLY wants a divorce, or what???
    i need help!!!! thank you in advance to anyone willing to respond!!

     
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    Old 10-13-2005, 11:34 AM   #2
    luv2dance
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help!

    Hello there...I am sorry you have to be going thru this... Men are difficult do you mind me asking how old you both are?

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 11:34 AM   #3
    millpark26
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help!

    It sounds like the both of you are in desperate need of marriage counseling. It sounds as if your husband would also benefit from some sort of anger management class.

    You need to toughen up a bit and stand up for yourself and let him know that the "putting his hands on your neck and pressing kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off your air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me.." cannot be done anymore. If he can get away with it on you then what prevents him from doing the same thing to your child?

    If you don't mind me asking, how old are the both of you? It sounds like the two of you are quite young and jumped into marriage before the both of you were mature enough to handle it. On top of that, you now have a newborn that's adding pressure on top of an already volitle situation.

    Last edited by millpark26; 10-13-2005 at 11:35 AM.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 11:59 AM   #4
    luv2dance
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help!

    I am just going to wing it here and give you my opinion on all of the instances.....

    1. I am almost positive that being in the military is VERY stressful even if one does not admit to things like that.

    2. you need to quit keeping track of arguments because that can lead you to dwell on them and bring them back up. Any fight that is resolved should be left in the past.

    3.You really need to calm down and stop wigging out about "What happend??? Whats wrong??? especially before he even knows himself. Be confident in your husband and have faith in him this proves to him you know he can handle it and will make sure everything is ok. That would be a huge issue with my husband. That would set him off as well....

    4. As far as him taking the CD out and throwing it on the floorboard tells me that the music was intensifying his attitude and he got rid of it. (In a not so mature way!!) There is such thing as a volume controll....

    5. The horrible things he said to you in the car are not acceptable and they need to be resolved. Especially if he only said them to upset you(You was already upset hince the crying). Strait face to me means no BS.

    6. The first 2 years of marriage are the hardest of all and with a new baby(CONGRATS) even more difficult. A baby adds MUCH STRESS!!! Your hormones are probably still all screwed up. But the word Divorce should NEVER be thrown around that is one of those you dont say it unless you mean it.

    7. He sound very insecure to me "Why do you care?" Why do you love me??" which makes me think you are both very young.

    8. If this has happend 4 other times (This one being the worst) you allowed things to go back to normal like nothing ever happend....Why shouldn't it this time (What he is thinking) He needs to know that YOU are not the one he can vent his anger on and that by god he better be ready to do what he says because you will not stick around and be his emotional punching bag.....And you certainly will not raise your Son around stuff like this. What kind of example is he setting for your son??He should be teaching your son to respect woman and above all Mom!

    9. I definately think he needs some anger management help. If he does not want to go to a professional then hell go get the Dr. Phil "Family First" book and make him read it...

    10. Most importantly you need to make it known that under no circumstances is he to EVER put his hands on you!! Do you think the military condones that type of behavior? I wouldnt threaten him or anything but make it very clear. I understand that I get on your nerves especially when something goes wrong, and I am going to work on that. and I would apreciate if you would work on controlling your temper around me and our son. If you feel like you are going to lose it then leave for a while get some air gather your thoughts and I promis I will not pry and try to drag out of you, "Whats wrong?" Are you ok? Are you mad at me? (You have asked these ? Havent you? NEVER PRY.

    Let me know what you think about all this....

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 12:31 PM   #5
    desertdweller
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help!

    I usually just lurk here, but I felt compelled to respond to your post. First, let me tell you how sorry I feel to read that this is going on in your life. I too have a husband in the military, and yes, he does the same things.After I read your post, it makes me wonder if it is a military thing. We have been together a little over two tears. I call it his "10%". 90% of the time he is the most loving, caring responsible person you can imagine, 10% of the time he is the most hurtful abusive ( not physically) man I have ever met. After his outburst, he acts so loving, it make me feel crazy. He also forces me to hug and love him as if he never said anything bad at all. I get so mad, the last thing I want to do is hug or kiss him, but he is a lot stronger than me. He goes from saying I'm stupid, whiney, crazy, to being the most wonderful, beautiful, smart person he's met. After he's done with his meltdown, he also goes and plays his computer games for awhile ( goes and kills things), then immerges from his computer room as if he feels great and can't figure out why I am still crying and feeling like a wounded animal.
    We do not have any children, but I can imagine how the additional stress of having a young child can make his stress level even higher. It's hard to decide if what can be done about this, since it tends to be ( at least for me) isolated incidents, when the majority of the time he's a good and loving husband.
    Has your husband been to Iraq? My husband is in a nondeployable unit, so I can't even use PTSS as an excuse.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 12:39 PM   #6
    ibeeshell
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help!

    I think luvtodance has brought up some very good points.

    You need do to calm down. I don't really buy into your statement that you have no idea your are being annoying though. You see, after living in a situation of mental abuse, and you are, you become accustomed to the stress. So by annoying him with your unneccassary questions, you are making more stress because that is what you are used to. Whether you want to admit it or not, you play the role of the victim. Unfortanetly, the REAL victim is your infant son, he can sense the stress. Also, he may grow up without a mother when his father decides to not let go of her neck one night.

    Get help, and get it quickly! You should be able to get counceling thru your insurance provided by the military. Your hubby more then likely is in need of meds. His behavior is unnacepptable and far from normal!

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 01:30 PM   #7
    lyncy
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help!

    Hi, I really feel for you. It seems really that your hubby really don't love you at all. There are alot of things to say whenever a person upset, but he told you about his feelings towards you and that he regret being married with you and having a son with you. His something! Why he settle down and marry you? His reason,because he dont want to feel alone and that is why he marry you? Is really his selfishness! I am also married, hubby has temper too but don't talked like your hubby does. Chocking you not good reaction from him at all. What about if he willl lose his control? He is in military, he should not bring things what he learned from there and not bring it to you like the way he showed you. How long can you live longer with the man that almost want to kill you? grabing your neck often he does it when he is angry? But you know i think you also have to tell him, express yourself about things you don't like about him and his reaction. Don't cry and cry. Express yourself! If he will not changes that attitude perhaps you gotta look for other man that truely love you.Care you emotionally and physically....

    Ps, I really feel even mad thinking about my ex same things like yours, Any way i got rid of him. and am happily married now.... I wish you all the best....

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 10:52 PM   #8
    Cokiemonsta
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    ahh this is scary. I suggest you move back home and tell your husband to get a psychologist..This isnt normal..he is very very aggressive and manipulative. You cannot tell someone that you want a devorce and that they dont mean anything to you, just so that you can upset them..can you digest how messed up this is mentally?
    And he chokes you?

    please leave. Things wont improve, they will only get worse. This isnt a first time thing, you've gone through this before..
    you arent the one that needs to change, he is.

    Leave..and tell him not to contact you until he is better..he might need medication.

     
    Old 10-13-2005, 11:39 PM   #9
    shelley49001
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    Angry Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    Oh my, it sounds like you are living with a man who is Bipolar! Seriously, he needs some help and being in the Military isn't helping him, in fact its probably making him worst because of the strict ways he has to be while on duty. SINCE he has done this before, you have to remember you have a son now to take care of, being in an abusive relationship isn't healthy for you nor your son, if you stay with him, you are teaching your son to disrespect women, do you want that to happen? What happens if one day he squeezes your throat a little to hard and kills you? Loving someone who is abusive only makes you sick! Its unhealthy and NOT right!!! A woman deserves to be treated like a woman, any other way is uncalled for, and if you stay with him because you love him, then you have a problem too! If he gets upset at you for the simplest things in life, what happens when there is a major problem and he can't deal with it...?? So what if you are high strung, he knew all about that when he married you, he has a control issue also, by you crying and asking questions only aggrevates him, BUT why should you change anything when he is the one who has the problems, NOT YOU>???If he was just kidding, then he wouldn't have waited so long to tell you he was only joking with you, he actually got scared that you might listen this time and leave him alone, and men who are like him can't be alone, they are afraid, think really hard, what is it you love so much about him? If I were you, when he is at work, I would pack up my bags and my baby and run as fast as you can back to your family, and DO NOT give in to him, domestic violence is a big issue these days, and ALOT of women are as lucky to be able to run away...YOU better think hard and fast, because HE isn't going to change, in fact he will get worst.

     
    Old 10-14-2005, 12:30 AM   #10
    LUMINALOVE
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    Hey girl been there done that and I hate to say this but it isn't gonna get better I was married to my hubby for way too long and I finnally said enough I know you love him but trust me you and your baby deserve the right not to walk on eggshells around him you said you want to be with him forever can you see it in 10 yrs if he is this way now wow imagine 10 yrs or even 3 from now sometimes separation can hurt or help a relationship it might help yours tell him you want him to take his time to think about why he married you after all you want him to want to be your husband don't you ??
    have him seek some counseling and you too for some support on how to handle it if it don't work out but I hope it will for you and look I am living proof that you can survive and be ok however it turns out take care ...Anna

     
    Old 10-14-2005, 04:46 AM   #11
    Blastoff9600
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    If you want to try the help route before leaving then being in the military can be a plus. Call his supervisor and explain what has been going on. I know it maybe hard but by doing that they will know they have a huge problem on their hands and they will make him get help. You can also go to the family support office on base and explain what has been happening. Do like you did on here and give them the details of him putting his hands on your throat and what all he has said to you. Either way help can be gotten. Chances are they will have him go into mental health to be evaluated or put him in anger management classes. Be ready though because chances are things will get rougher before they get better.
    Dont put up with this because no one deserves this kind of treatment no matter how much you love him. If you do talk to his supervisor or family support please make sure that you are not left alone with him afterwards for a while. I know it sounds extreme but ask that he move out until he has a chance to be calm about what is going on. I can bet good money he will be ****** off and it wont be safe around him when he first is told that you either talked to his supervisor or family support. But stand your ground if not for yourself then for your son.
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    Old 10-14-2005, 07:23 AM   #12
    SophiaM
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    I'm sorry but it sounds to me like your husband is abusive. And I disagree with the comments of posters who say you should try to avoid "annoying" him. I'm actually appalled at that, as I don't think you were doing anything that could be considered particularly annoying or unusual. You've just had a baby and I'm sure your stress level is high as it is, what's so strange or annoying about being concerned that something's wrong with the car, especially if your baby was there too? ANY mother would react the same way! And when I read about your husband saying all these HORRIBLE, mean things to you and about the mean look in his face as he was trying to choke you, I got seriously scared for you. Your husband has a violent temper and has trouble controlling it. It's like a bomb waiting to go off. You said he's been doing the choking thing since your son was born. From what I know, there are a lot of abusive men who started abusing their wife/gf either during her pregnancy or after the birth of their baby. Maybe because pregnant women and women with young children are more vulnerable. I think you are in danger, not only emotionally, but also in real physical danger and it's extremely unlikely that your husband could change on his own. Even he realizes now that he has a problem, but it's naive of him to think he can solve it all on his own without the help of a professional. He choked you several times and leashes out on you in a mean-spirited way. It's NOT a joke. I'm also afraid about you taking the advice of someone who said to "stand up for yourself." This situation is way more serious than any kind of ammature advice like that. If this man gets into his rage and she "stands up to him," who's to say he might not seriously injure her or even kill her? No, this situation requires professional help from someone who specializes in abuse. The sooner, the better. We have to take these things very seriously; look at what happened to Laci Peterson.

     
    Old 10-17-2005, 02:13 PM   #13
    juliansmama
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for your responses. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond myself, but our internet was down for a few days.
    I know a great deal of you encouraged me to "leave him", but I do not have a job or money. I could go home to live with my parents, but I don't have a job to support the baby & I. My parents do not have enough money to help us out. I doubt if my husband would really give me the car anyway. And without a car, how would I find work back home? I have no skills or degrees either.
    As for an update otherwise, my husband has been great lately. I mean, no more abuse or angry outbursts or anything since then. He is not controlling or anything, just has a bad temper. I really love him & he is very good to our son. IF he does anything more abusive, I will try to leave him for sure...I take what you all said to heart...I do NOT want to expose my son to this kind of behavior AT ALL! I am just concerned with the lack of money and the life I would have if I did leave.
    I wonder if he really even meant it when he said all that...the stuff about the divorce, etc...or he was just trying to get a reaction out of me...What do you all think??
    And if I did decide to leave him, would anyone want to date/be with long-term a mother with a child?? I know some people who might, but most of the guys I know would RUN the other way when it came to a MOTHER....
    Thank you all for your help, advice and support. I KNOW how dangerous he was acting, and know it was a form of abuse....but he RARELY acts this way, and I don't know what to think. He agreed to go to counseling, by the way. I am making an appt for him today. He knows he has an anger problem, but IS hesitant/scared to get professional help for it. But agreed to it. Thank God.

     
    Old 10-19-2005, 04:31 PM   #14
    LUMINALOVE
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    Good luck to you I wish you the best of luck and like the previous poster said there is hope I am 35 I have a 12yr old and a 4yr old and I am with a wonderful man who takes care of me and my kids but just work on your relationship but always remember there is hope and there are abuse shelters that will help you get on your feet and keep you safe ...Hugs...Anna

     
    Old 10-19-2005, 06:16 PM   #15
    SophiaM
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    Re: Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help

    Well, I"m glad he's acting better and has agreed to getting professional help for his wild temper outbursts. I don't think what he's doing can be analysed on a logical level. He has abusive and violent tendences, for sure, and it's not something that he just "decides" to do. It's the "Jekyl & Hyde" in him--he really has two different personas that come out almost whenever they want to. Which makes it all the more volatile and dangerous. I hope your appointment is soon and that your husband will be able to learn how to control his temper. My ex-bf had a bad temper. I loved him very much and still do, but I don't know how our life together would be if I married him. From what I understand, it only gets worse after marriage. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and your little son.

     
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