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well we spoke and things are better!

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Old 10-14-2005, 12:24 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,079
Piranna65 HB User
Smile well we spoke and things are better!

Hello all, stacy and goody!

Well I spoke to him today. It felt soooo good to get this all off of my chest about how I have been feeling lately! What a relief! Like a 1000lbs lifted off of my chest!

I told him I probably wont have any positive feeling towards his mom for some time (until this is fixed and beyond) he said he was okay with that and that it doesnt matter to him anymore if we fix it up or not he's more concerned about us.

So he came over before he had to work and I had to go back to class. He wanted to be intimate (we arent very intimate over all but it has declined with the added stress it's the last thing on my mind) so I told him I wasnt interested and he became a bit upset but had to leave anyway for work, but when he left he told me he couldnt handle it anymore that he was sick of how I was treating him. I explained to him if I was treating bad or different in anyway it wasnt intentional and i apologized. He still ended up leaving to work without hugging me goodbye or anything.

We talked a bit on our cells and decided to just talk later, he came over again and apologized for how he stormed off and said he was being a butthead and shouldnt have left the way he did.

So I explained to him that with the added stress lately I just havent been thinking of being intimate lately Im more concerned about getting things fixed with this debt and concentrating on our life...I told him we need to start concentrating on ourselves and he agrees.

I was also able to vent to a friend of mine earlier so that made things a bit easier. I just cant explain how much better im feeling (in the mean time). I just know they will strick again, it's expected I know.

anyway I just wanted to update...

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Old 10-14-2005, 09:12 AM   #2
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: well we spoke and things are better!

Piranna ~ Oh, boy....I know that you felt so much better letting it all out and telling your fiance how you feel. It was good that he was supportive and understanding of your feelings towards his parents and that he sees fixing things with you guys is more important than anything. That is a good sign!!

Now his wanting to be intimate is a good sign too.....guys seem to like to cement the problems in a relationship like that. Make up sex is the best thing in marriages/relationships when it is used properly. For us women, unless things have been resolved, being intimate will only make us feel worse whereas with men either way it makes them feel better The fact that you have disclosed that you haven't been initmate says slot about what is going on in your relationship and how all this stress & anger is weighing on you. You definitely have more to resolve....the debt issues will eventually go away but will your anger & resentment??? Will you ever have feel the happiness you should with your fiance without the stress & anger getting in the way??? And will you ever feel free of wondering when they will strike again?? Is this the way you want to feel each & everyday of your life....because unless you can forgive & forget what his parents have done, I have a feeling that you will always feel this way. Do you see what I mean??

The fact is that your fiance is always going to love his parents despite their faults....families have an unconditional love that surpasses all transgressions. If you are going to have a problem with your fiance still loving his family and wanting a relationship with them then you will always have problems in your marriage. We cannot change the past, Piranna, but we can change the future. the way we look at it. You need to look at the reality that your future husband has a dysfunctional family but that he loves them. Doesn't mean that your new family has to be the same but you do have to allow him the freedom to love them despite their faults. Each time you tell him something bad about his family you chisel away at him as well. You don't have to live with them, you wil be living with him. If he is going to put you first that is the ideal situation....if he puts them first then you will definitely have problems.

Are you getting married in the church??? Is there a priest or minister you can talk this all over with or perhaps even a counselor. I think that doing so would really help you find the answers as to whether you are able to marry your need to go into this with your eyes wide open not half shut. And the only way to know this is to talk this out with someone who can make sense of it all. You have way too many emotions going on and you need to be able to see clearly what it is that you want to do about your future. Please take the time you need to do this. And keep us updated.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Old 10-14-2005, 06:49 PM   #3
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: well we spoke and things are better!

Well I dont like the whole "make up sex" thing I find it kind of inapropriate and that it doesnt solve anything. I know for him he'd like that to happen but myself, no.

I know what you mean there is more to talk about. We are getting married in a church and we are going to be meeting with the priest this month to talk and sign papers. We also have to do some other things at some catholic services thing so I do agree I think that will help.

You are right I probably shouldnt take to many digs at his parents infront of him because it does chip away at him. But I can still have what feelings I have with them and feel okay with it. Honestly I feel good not having to deal with them already knowing that he isnt going to mind what feelings I have. I know they are his parents but I dont have to like them I have my own that I love just fine. Besides his mother is no role model in any way shape or form and i will not have my children too exposed to there grandma!

The only reason i am so upset with them buying things currently is because they owe money to the debt they caused. Once the debt is gone I wont give a darn what they buy because they are making there own bed and can sleep in it. Once my fiance's debt is covered It wont matter to me. So no I will not always become angry with them renting to own things or buying things.

Old 10-14-2005, 07:52 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 306
stacykgb20 HB User
Re: well we spoke and things are better!

Hi Piranna,

Once again, I really feel for you because of all the parallels to what I went through with my ex and his family. Although neither of us is remotely traditional or religious or at all interested in institutions like marriage, we moved in together right from the start and genuinely planned on spending our lives together. So I understand the horrible struggle a couple faces when one partner doesn't like the other's family and especially the often impossible, painful predicament it puts the person's whose family is the problem in. To many people, especially men, choosing between their true love and their family (moms particularly) is an impossible choice, but when it has to be made, most men, unless they are unusually mature, strong-willed, or independent, choose their family. This is what my ex ultimately chose after years of his family manipulating him and wearing him down, trying to regain unchallenged control over and access to him. I lost, and it broke my heart. I am very scared that the same thing might happen to you. While I am so happy that you got to express your feelings and vent your frustration, I still am seriously concerned about your future happiness. The reasons for that aren't really the debt or their spending so much as the personality of his mom (domineering, possessive, manipulative, shameless, unyielding, unwilling to share or concede anything) and your boyfriend (still living at home, not completely mature and established, still young, willing to bend over backwards to make his mom happy, won't hold even the worst betrayal against her, tends to put her feelings above all else, and from what you've said before, isn't he also quite insecure and jealous?) When you marry a man, you become part of his family for good--can you honestly see yourself happy being part of his family for the rest of your life? It's nice to think about keeping away and keeping your kids away from her, but realistically, she'll always be a huge, meddling, scheming, smoking, and screaming presence in your life as long as you are with your BF. Are there any circumstances under which you'd be okay with this, say if your BF agreed to relocate and limit contact with his mom (though I wouldn't count on him doing anything to displease her).

It seems like a terrible tragedy when family gets in the way of a happy couple living happily ever after, but I know firsthand that it can and does happen. When one partner's family (or even just one family member) makes it a mission to fight any significant other for control over him or her using any means of manipulation at their disposal, it doesn't seem that the significant other is able to hold out against such an onslaught permanently. I couldn't, and though I miss my ex terribly, I'm still overwhelmed with relief that some of his family is forever gone from my life...the idea of spending the rest of my life linked to them at holidays, family dinners, etc. made me literally sick. Ultimately, my ex's happiness was a secondary priority for some of his family which they eagerly sacrificed in their quest to eliminate any competition for his love, time, and attention...I truly hope that the same doesn't happen with your BF if indeed he is the man you are meant to be with. I guess time will tell, but I can't warn you strongly enough to be very careful before walking down the aisle with only your second serious boyfriend at such a young age. It's one thing to get married if he's more successfully financially and you don't see that changing, but when it's the other way around, you're running a grave financial risk by legally merging with someone with fewer assets, let alone significant debt that I can envision never quite going away unless he finally finds a way to stand up to his mom once and for all. But even then, I worry that she'll keep finding ways to wring money out of him for doctors, medicines, nursing homes, etc...I am just so worried about you Piranna, because I remember how angry and hurt I was when I was in a similar situation. All I can do is hope yours works out much better and less painfully than mine did...I really wish you all the best and will be rooting for everything to turn out wonderfully, no matter how it all unfolds .

Old 10-14-2005, 11:08 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: well we spoke and things are better!

Well stacy we are actually planning on moving once i graduate college in a couple of years. He wants to move to his dads home state! And that is 17 hours away from his mother!! Great right!! He wants out of here and away more then anything and if it wasnt for me being in school he says he'd like to be moved already (granted we couldnt get a loan now). His brother already moved down there and he's doing well he's looking forward to the time we move down and he is extremely close to his brother so I know he will move there to be with him.

Im not going to ask to him chose between his mother or myself. I wouldnt expect him too. I would be upset if he asked me to chose between my mom and him. I'd chose my mom no questions asked.

As I mentioned in the past, the only reason he moved home was to save money for the wedding ring and the wedding itself. He's only been living there since june he was living with a buddy before that. And when he lived with his roommate he rarely spoke or saw his mother. So once I have some money aside and more of our wedding paid and planned we are going to get our own place (apartment). So it's not like he's living at home because he couldnt hack it, he hated moving back there and didnt want to but knew he'd have to if we were going to pay for this. Unfortunately he received the bad news about the credit cards about a week before he moved back home...

If he were to "help her out" again I'd leave him no questions asked. I've already stressed that there is NO way I will EVER go through this again because it wasnt something I should have delt with in my life already or that I should have EVER had to deal with! He actually told her no the other day to something. We had stopped at the store and called to see if they needed anything she asked him to buy her a pack of smokes and he told her no if she wanted them she could get them herself! wow right. I know its something small but it was a start. If she asked for bread or milk he would have picked it up. But her bad habit heck no!

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