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  • I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

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    Old 10-17-2005, 10:17 PM   #1
    Jason3412
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    Question I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    Last August, I started "dating" my current girlfriend during her freshman year of college (I'm 1 year above her). We hooked up and had sex the first weekend in the fall semester, and became best friends. We then were "friends w/ benefits" until about February when we decided to be "dating exclusively". Then in June we were official boyfriend and girlfriend. She's a great girl...the kind of all-around-good-girl that you bring home to your parents. All my friends love her and tell me she's a keeper. She's the kind of girl I see myself marrying in the future. The sex is amazing, and she's just a sweetheart. Our relationship really has been getting better and better. We now say the I LOVE YOU, and we just get along so great.

    There's just 1 thing thats bothered me, then i stopped thinking about it, but another talk we had made it all resurface again. Basically, she's been with several more guys than me. At the time we started having sex last fall, we were tied...Then while we were dating (I found this out a few months ago when my curiousity got the best of me and couldn't take it anymore) she had sex with 4 other guys and I only had sex with 1 other girl once. I guess you could say this bothered me because its not fair...she's beautiful and it's so much easier for her to get sex than me simply because shes a girl. And she even had sex drunk and more than once with a few of them. Then, the other day I found out from her that she met a guy back home one night, and ended up having sex in his truck for a little while without a condom...THE SAME NIGHT! This kind of disturbed me, and makes me wonder, is she prone to do this even with me around??

    I've concluded that she just loves sex, and doesn't need to be dating the guy to have sex with him. After her and I having sex a few times recently without a condom, we both were nervous, so we got tested for everything including HIV....all negative! (she was very worried about having HIV after the guy in the truck last year) But the question is, will she do that behavior while she is my girlfriend? I want to pretend I didn't know all this, but it just makes me wonder if I can really trust her? She feels so bad about me knowing all this, and says she would NEVER do anything like that while we're together....but I just wonder if thats the truth. And knowing her history, and considering we're both free of any STD's, is it okay to NOT use a condom? She's on the pill. I want to trust her so bad, but her past history kinda makes me wonder....

    -Confused
    Thank you

    Last edited by Jason3412; 10-17-2005 at 10:22 PM. Reason: made more clear explanations

     
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    Old 10-18-2005, 12:09 AM   #2
    mada_3083
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    get her to have an STD check for starters.

    if you weren't exclusive, and she had sex, not a big deal, if she has cheated on you then trust might be the issue

    if the only issue is that she's had sex with more guys, then that's your insecurity that you have to deal with... either deal with it or end it now because it does ruin relationships... trust me

     
    Old 10-18-2005, 04:13 AM   #3
    realguy
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    Talk to her about your issues. Where does she see you and her headed down the road of life? Does she drink to much?

     
    Old 10-18-2005, 05:24 AM   #4
    stacykgb20
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    I agree with Mada...don't let your insecurity and bruised male ego get in the way of what sounds like a great relationship with a wonderful girl who adores you. I'm also a girl who men consider beautiful that absolutely loves sex and doesn't need to feel emotionally connected to a guy to enjoy hooking up with them, but when I am truly in love, I'd never think of going elsewhere for sex. It sounds like your GF is very similar to me and that her other encounters all happened before you two were committed to being an exclusive couple. It's perfectly natural and understandable for guys to get jealous and threatened when they think about their sexy girlfriends who are great lovers being with other guys, but it's your choice whether or not you let that get in the way of being happy with her. I'm not saying you're insecure overall, but it's clear here that you're feeling insecure about her being able to sleep with whoever she wants whenever she wants...my boyfriends have all felt the same way, because while my looks and my lack of sexual inhibitions were part of what made them love me, they also knew that I had been the same way with other guys and could do that again at any time. But part of why relationships are tricky is that it's tough not to let fear and insecurity get in the way of being happy, and trusting someone who has the power to break your heart is always a scary, but ultimately worthwhile, risk to take. In your case, I think you would really regret letting your uncertainty and jealousy erode your trust in a woman you have no reason to doubt and obviously love, so I'd urge you to do everything in your power not to let fear stand in the way of being happy together. So many great relationships have fallen apart because one partner or the other was threatened and scared of the other wanting someone else, and it would be a real shame if the same thing happened to you. Remember that whatever is going to happen regarding your girlfriend's sexual choices is going to happen whether you trust her, put your doubts out of your mind, and enjoy your love, or whether you let insecurity and jealousy consume you and poison your relationship. You have control over whether or not this issue is going to eat away at you and your love for your girlfriend, so don't let it!! Trust her when she says she loves you and only wants you, because I can tell that she means it, and when I've said the same thing to men I've truly loved, I've stood by my word, regardless of how many men hit on me or how tempted I might feel. Anyway, please make the choice to trust her and be happy, as I can promise you that you will regret it for a very long time if you allow your fear and negative thoughts to overshadow all the positive aspects of your relationship. Good luck!

     
    Old 10-18-2005, 05:25 AM   #5
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    Why are you holding her past against her? Not fair. Unless she has given YOU a reason to not trust her, holding her past against her just isn't fair. You are going to have to let it go or it will kill the relationship.

     
    Old 10-18-2005, 05:45 AM   #6
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    I agree that you shouldn't assume she's not trustworthy. It sounds to me like she's a very honest and open person. Even though it was not her obligation to tell you about other guys she'd slept with when you two were not together, she still did. She even did all the STD testing. Sounds like a trustworthy person to me.
    The fact is, yes it's easier for women to "get sex" than men. But you have to understand another important detail: Most women don't think about sex nearly as much as men do. For men in college, sex is like breathing. Men probably would have sex every half hour if they could. Women are not like that (most women). Sure, we are sexual too and we enjoy it. But we don't require it the way men do. Think of it this way: For men, sex is always desired but not always readily available. For women, sex is always readily available, but not always desired! That's what makes it so much fun.. those little differences.
    It's unfair to label your girlfriend untrustworthy based on these circumstances. How would you feel if she made a judgement like that against you? What matters now is how she acts now that the two of you are exclusively dating. Try your hardest to put her past behind you, or it will cause problems in your relationship.

     
    Old 10-22-2005, 10:18 AM   #7
    Jason3412
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    thank you!! i talked to her about how I felt, and she was very understanding....looks like we're just going to need to work on building our trust in each other. thanks again!!

     
    Old 10-22-2005, 10:21 AM   #8
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    Great to hear, Jason! I'm so glad you talked to her about it. She was understanding, open, and honest- that's even more proof that she's trustworthy. Little by little, she will keep doing these things to prove this to you, and you will one day believe it effortlessly!

     
    Old 10-22-2005, 09:24 PM   #9
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    sorry to say this man but ppl dont change..as much as you would like them to and as they want to it just does not happen.I would get out of it if your looking for something serious...if your in it for sex go for it and enjoy while you can.

     
    Old 10-23-2005, 12:26 AM   #10
    Jason3412
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    i have no reason not to trust her...i just know how much she loves sex, and that she'd easily do it with someone without knowing them very well...so knowing that, it could be a trust issue.

     
    Old 10-23-2005, 12:52 AM   #11
    stacykgb20
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mada_3083
    no people don't change, and i would say if these two broke up that the girl would go out and enjoy herself. but girls like that, when in a relationship don't necissarily cheat.

    why do you have to build trust again in each other? what has she done to not make you trust her... i mean apart from the fact you can't deal with the way she chose to live her life before the two of you were in a monogomous relationship

    I agree with all of this except I do think that people can change in some situations, particularly from how they behaved when they were very young and immature. As I said, I have a LOT in common with your girlfriend, and while I did cheat on boyfriends in high school, as I grew older I realized that was foolish and hurtful and made sure to end one relationship before starting another. There are numerous examples of people changing their ways once they find the right person or reach a certain level of maturity, so it is misleading to think that everyone will always be the way they've always been. It is a rare guy with the confidence and self-assurance not to be made to feel really insecure and threatened by a girl who loves sex, because guys know so well how easy it is (particularly for an unusually attractive woman) for girls to get whatever they want sexually from pretty much any guy they want at any time. Guys can't really imagine this what it's like to have this option throughout your life, and figure that if a girl likes sex as much as they do, that she'd be unable to resist indulging this power all the time. But having had most guys I met interested in me since I was like 10 or 11, it's no longer such a novel and exciting thing to be able to hook up on demand. Not that it's not fun and that I don't have an awesome time enjoying being single, but it's not like the way people go crazy drinking when they turn 21 because they were denied something they wanted for so long. Your girlfriend and I are both so used to having men and sex available that it's no longer something that preoccupies us and tempts us to the point where we'd indulge that instinct at the risk of hurting and losing a man that we truly love. I think you need to decide if you are man enough to handle having a beautiful girlfriend who loves sex...but be careful, because if you let your insecurities get in the way of being with her, there will be tons of men lined up hoping to snatch her up as soon as you make what they consider the mistake of letting her go. Once you give her up, don't expect to get another chance, as she likely has the self esteem to realize she deserves a confident, trusting, non-judgmental man who loves and appreciates her for who she is and isn't so insecure as to be threatened by her sexuality. Almost every single one of my exes has later expressed regret over my leaving them, because as it turned out, they didn't appreciate at the time how rare and fortunate it was for them to have found a woman who loved having sex with them and had no inhibitions about indulging our mutual desires. So while personally I think you'd regret letting her go, if you can't put your doubts and swallow the threat to your ego you see her as posing, you owe it to both of you to let go and find someone more on your level sexually. I know it's hard to take a risk by trusting someone with your heart, but if you don't risk being hurt, you never give yourself the chance to attain any relationship worth cherishing and working hard to sustain. By the way Mada, you seem like an unusually wise, open-minded, and confident guy, just my type ...I think you'd be a great match for me and I bet we'd hit it off really well--too bad you live so far across the world!

     
    Old 10-23-2005, 02:30 AM   #12
    mada_3083
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stacykgb20
    I agree with all of this except I do think that people can change in some situations, particularly from how they behaved when they were very young and immature. As I said, I have a LOT in common with your girlfriend, and while I did cheat on boyfriends in high school, as I grew older I realized that was foolish and hurtful and made sure to end one relationship before starting another. There are numerous examples of people changing their ways once they find the right person or reach a certain level of maturity, so it is misleading to think that everyone will always be the way they've always been. It is a rare guy with the confidence and self-assurance not to be made to feel really insecure and threatened by a girl who loves sex, because guys know so well how easy it is (particularly for an unusually attractive woman) for girls to get whatever they want sexually from pretty much any guy they want at any time. Guys can't really imagine this what it's like to have this option throughout your life, and figure that if a girl likes sex as much as they do, that she'd be unable to resist indulging this power all the time. But having had most guys I met interested in me since I was like 10 or 11, it's no longer such a novel and exciting thing to be able to hook up on demand. Not that it's not fun and that I don't have an awesome time enjoying being single, but it's not like the way people go crazy drinking when they turn 21 because they were denied something they wanted for so long. Your girlfriend and I are both so used to having men and sex available that it's no longer something that preoccupies us and tempts us to the point where we'd indulge that instinct at the risk of hurting and losing a man that we truly love. I think you need to decide if you are man enough to handle having a beautiful girlfriend who loves sex...but be careful, because if you let your insecurities get in the way of being with her, there will be tons of men lined up hoping to snatch her up as soon as you make what they consider the mistake of letting her go. Once you give her up, don't expect to get another chance, as she likely has the self esteem to realize she deserves a confident, trusting, non-judgmental man who loves and appreciates her for who she is and isn't so insecure as to be threatened by her sexuality. Almost every single one of my exes has later expressed regret over my leaving them, because as it turned out, they didn't appreciate at the time how rare and fortunate it was for them to have found a woman who loved having sex with them and had no inhibitions about indulging our mutual desires. So while personally I think you'd regret letting her go, if you can't put your doubts and swallow the threat to your ego you see her as posing, you owe it to both of you to let go and find someone more on your level sexually. I know it's hard to take a risk by trusting someone with your heart, but if you don't risk being hurt, you never give yourself the chance to attain any relationship worth cherishing and working hard to sustain. By the way Mada, you seem like an unusually wise, open-minded, and confident guy, just my type ...I think you'd be a great match for me and I bet we'd hit it off really well--too bad you live so far across the world!
    yes i agree that people change with maturity and with finding the right person, i was making the point to who i quoted that this girls behaviour when single was not a reflection on how she'd behave in a relationship.

    you flatterer you. trust me, my "wisdom" is hard won over my 22 years on this planet. i've had the insecurity like the original poster of this thread, and it ruined my relationship with a girl i was going to marry. it almost killed me, but i survived by assessing the why's and ensuring i didn't make the same mistake twice. hence the confidence i've instilled in myself.

     
    Old 10-23-2005, 10:15 AM   #13
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    Re: I love my gf, but can I trust her??? what do you think

    OK yes I do agree that ppl do change from adolescence to adulthood...will most do. I guess I can understand what you are saying becuase I have actually changed myself. I hurt one girl really badly when just using her for sex and I just felt like that wasnt the person I wanted to be. SO I dont have sex with girls unless that is what they are looking for and that only. When it comes to relationships I am very picky about women. Also I do think it really is possible to change someone if you have the confidence and charisma or whatever to show someone how much your worth keeping around. When I wrote the last post I was being a bit bitter because of some receant girl issues.

     
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