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  • Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

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    Old 10-24-2005, 05:15 AM   #1
    Goodinheart
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    Unhappy Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    Well this all started three years ago I have been with my husband since I was 16 married by eighteen, had first child at eighteen, am now 24 with second child. I am not going to justify myself and I would like everyone to be very honest in there replies. I should have know right from the start that it was never going to work for us but growing up with a split family I always longed for a husband and children. My husband and I dated for less than a year within that time he got transfered 12 hours away from all of my family with his job so I gladly moved with him in the hopes of this being the fresh start we needed. We lived here for about a year when I relized that he probably had a drinking problem, when things were good between us they were good but when they were bad they were very bad. I got pregnant 3 days after my eightenth birthday, during my pregnancy we had huge fights, to the point of him having me pregnant by the throat against the refrigirator. When my son was about 1 and 1/2 I met someone else for the first time, my husband never gave me compliments and was always cutting me down. So to find someone that was always there for me and telling me how awesome I was and so forth I just loved it!! That relationship went on for a while, but eventually I couldn't do it anymore. So I tried to spend all my time making things work with my husband. Another 6 months or so went by of him telling me how stupid I was and worthless and before I started looking out again, This time I thought I met someone great, you know the type blue eyes tall, cowboy type had all the right things to say and do (womanizer, though I didn't know that at the time) so I decided my son and I would move out and move in with this other man, we did but it only lasted about a month (I relized what a womanizer he was) my husband in the mean time had called everyone in our family everyone at my job trying to get me to come back. So I agreed to meet to talk to him, and I explained that I had moved in with someone else, and told him what I thought was wrong in our relationship, he said he agreed and promised if I came back he would change. (that ment no drinking except on weekends, and I told him I wanted another child) So I went back the drinking slowed down and we worked on the second child, but as soon as I got pregnant things went to h***, he brought up the affair all the time called me a wh***, and was very hateful and mean, he told me if I ever left again that he would never want me back. After the birth of my daughter things were still very bad I met someone threw work, he became my best friend, he was one of those chance incounters where he knew everything about me without it even being said, well in the next year my husband lost his only brother to a car accident, we had to turn off the machines and watch him die (the hardest thing i have ever been threw) that renewed my strength to make the marriage work, I told the guy that was now my best friend that I had to consentrate on my marriage, which I did. We bought a new home, I worked very hard to keep it clean and nice and make everyone happy, but I couldn't do that he is drinking like a horse (even driving drunk with our son) He is hateful all the time since I have no family here, no real close friends, I really am at a loss, He is so angry all the time, I think he hates me.. I have noone and two kids I feel so trapped, I have asked him to show me affection or tell me I am beautiful (which in the last little while i have started to relize I am) After years of being told I am not, this is a great thing. But I feel this need to have these affairs, it makes me feel loved and wanted. I don't know what to do to stop, and i don't know if there is any hope for our marrige, I want my husband to want me more then anything else, and to need me, but i really don't think he does. I don't know what to do, I met someone last week that use to live two blocks from me where I am from 12 hours away, I find that strange we meet here when we never met there. Anyway he is handsome and seems nice I am having a hard time not wanting to talk to him.. Please help let me know why I deserve this life that I am affraid I can't leave. Is there hope? I am pretty sure he won't stop drinking, I asked him last week why he does it (I know he is grieving for his brother) I asked did it make him happy or sad, or does it help him forget. He said no it doesn't so any of that and he doesn't know why he does it... Thank you

     
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    Old 10-24-2005, 08:06 AM   #2
    Mark5
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    Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    It sounds to my like a lot of your needs are not being served, obviously. You certainly seek that which you cannot get at home, which is normal. Unfortunately, your actions lead me to believe that you hope and believe that things can change for you quickly and you will find what you need is a short period of time.

    This is easier said than done, but I would recommend moving back to where your family is for support and establishing yourself again. It sounds like you have a lot to offer so you need to try and gather up everything and be strong and do this. Get away from this individual even if it means getting an apratment acorss town. Do it for your children, not just you. Think years ahead and what type of life your children will have in this relationship. Your son should not grow up thinking women should be treated this way and your daughter should not expect to be treated like such.

    Get away and focus on the kids. No doubt you will strike a cord with your hubby. There will be promises of change like before. If you don't want to cut the ties completely just start slowly again as if you are dating. If there is no real intent to change to make things better it will come out eventually and you will now you tried your best. If you can't do this financially then get back to your family. Make sure you look into the laws regarding movng your children. Get some support and break the ties. Once you have the family support you can take things slow and find the right person.

    There are many men who would marry a good women with kids from a previous marriage. Good luck.

     
    Old 10-24-2005, 08:27 AM   #3
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    I honestly think that the best thing you can do is make a decision as to whether you can be married to your husband or not. In my opinion having been in an abusive relationship, no one should stay in a marriage where there is abuse. You have tried your best to give this marriage a chance, your husband continues to have problems with drinking and abusing you, and it is time that you got out and learned how to stand on your own two feet without a man involved in your life for now.

    Do you have any friends or family that would be willing to help you out in finding a place of your own??? And you say that you work....can you afford to support yourself & your kids for a while until you figure things out???

    For now I would not leave your house until you meet and seek counsel with an attorney. If you leave with your children you may ve charged with abandonment....you need to have on record that he is abusive before you leave. In fact, the next time he becomes abusive I would call the police in so that it is well documented.

    In any case....it is apparent that whne the going gets tough you run to a man for help. Learn to find your own strength and support yourself & your kids on your own. You are so young and need to build up your own self exteem before getting involved with another man. Concentrate on yourself and your kids for now. I am sure that when you tell your husband that you want to leave things will get worse...make sure you have a safe place to go if they do but the first thing you should do is think ahead by seeing an attorney and a counselor so that you get some good advice & support through all of this.

    Please know that there are also many here who would like to help you. To be honest....many here will frown upon an affair as a resolution to your problems. If anything it is only going to add to them. You need to focus on rebuilding yourself into a strong person before entering into any relationship with another. And figure out where you are in your marriage before going into another relationship. It's not only the right thing to do but will cause less pain to all involved.

    ~ Goody

     
    Old 10-24-2005, 10:30 AM   #4
    Goodinheart
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    Arrow Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    Mark and goody, thank you so much.. Neither of you pointed fingers or cut me down.. wow, Well as far as leaving goes I just don't know how I would, yes I have a decent job at a hospital in the accounting department, but I do not make enought to support my kids. Not inculding the fact that my husband swears he would fight for custody of my children (his family has some money) Not that he is ever home to help with them, if he had them he would not know what to do being trapped with them. I know that the reason I am doing what I am doing is to look for something that I am missing, I just want so much to be appreciated wanted and loved. I don't think moving back to Texas is a option really either, considering he lives here, I don't really think that a judge would let me move that far away, and I have never been close to my family really so I don't know. I just wish that I could learn to love myself. I know that my children don't need to see this I just don't see how I could get out I really don't and having these affairs make me feel like trash, but then on the other had they make me feel like someone cares... I just don't know, but thank you so much for the advice I just wish I had someone here...

    Good in Heart

     
    Old 10-24-2005, 11:17 AM   #5
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Goodinheart
    I just wish that I could learn to love myself. I know that my children don't need to see this I just don't see how I could get out I really don't and having these affairs make me feel like trash, but then on the other had they make me feel like someone cares... I just don't know, but thank you so much for the advice I just wish I had someone here...

    Good in Heart
    You just said it in a nutshell, honey, you need to learn to love yourself. You are looking for love in all the wrong places and looking for love in all the wrong faces. Please seek out some sort of counselling....you are soo young and you deserve love and somebody that cares. But it has to begin with YOU. Please go talk to somebody and build up your self esteem a little bit. You are not as helpless as you may think. You need to strengthen your self so that you can fix up your life and make a good life for you & your kids. Go to a few counselling seesions and allow somebody to help you figure out what is best for you. And as far as your kids.....a husband will never get custody unless he can prove you to be an unfit mom which you are not.

    You need to focus on yourself and save a little money on the side as an emergency fund. Get enough in case you need to get your own place for a while. If you were to divorce he would still have to support you & your kids. The best scenario would be for him to leave but that is getting way ahead of ourselves. For now, do not find the love in the arms of another man. Instead work on your self love and go to counselling and an attorney so they can set up the best course of action and protect your rights so that you are not left weak. The thing is, you are allowing fear to stand in the way of yours and your children's happiness. Do not allow that....do what you have to do to get stronger so that you can show your children what is right and how you go about doing it. Get to a counselor and some legal advice before doing anything. Be smart and do not allow your husband to scare you into staying in a marriage that will only hurt you & your children. You are stronger than you may think.,.....you may have made some mistakes along the way but you can make things right again by being true to yourself and doing what's best for you & your children.

    (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-24-2005 at 11:19 AM.

     
    Old 10-24-2005, 11:38 AM   #6
    Goodinheart
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    Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    I work at a hospital, so i can meet with a counselor for free you will be so proud I set up a meeting for my lunch hour tommorrow.. I am chicken to go and see what I hear.. But I did it..

     
    Old 10-24-2005, 11:41 AM   #7
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Goodinheart
    I work at a hospital, so i can meet with a counselor for free you will be so proud I set up a meeting for my lunch hour tommorrow.. I am chicken to go and see what I hear.. But I did it..
    Good for you I am really proud of you, and Goodinheart, you will see that by taking your life in your own hands and doing what is good for you, you will be empowered in a way that you will be very proud of as well as your children!!! You keep us posted as to what the counselor says.

    (((HUGS))) of pride ~ Goody

     
    Old 10-24-2005, 12:42 PM   #8
    Mark5
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    Re: Why do I have the need for a Affair (long but please read!!)

    I know why you are seeking it elsewhere becuase I have the same feelings.

    Give up the idea of finding someone while you are married to take you and the kids in while you go through divorce and child custody and then live happily ever after. I'm sure it has happened before but the odds are slim. And everytime you do it your bring yourself down to his level.

    You need to prepare for a break or at least set the ground work for what a judge will want to see later on. Don't get involved with others while you are going through this. Seek counseling. Try to get him to go to counseling. Call the police or file a complaint if you are threatened or abused.

    A judge will do what is best for the children. Most of the time they side with the mother. Don't give him any ammo that can hurt you later.

    Good luck.

     
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